WWF 305 Live: Moondog Rex! Andre! Earthquake! Braun! Booger!

Andre the Giant vs. Moondog Rex WWF 8/1/81 - VERY GOOD

ER: The match opening graphic says "Rex Moondog" and it made me laugh so hard that it made an incredible on paper match up even better. They would have given me a heart attack if the graphic had then said  "Andre Giant", and now I only want to think of these two as Rex Moondog and Andre Giant. And THEN Dick Graham and Kal Rudman just keep on calling him Rex Moondog for the duration of the (far too short) match and it's perfect. Sadly, this is yet another big man WWF match that goes under 2 minutes, and at this point especially seems to be something that plagues Moondog and Samoan singles matches. When allowed to stretch out I think Rex P. Moondog has had some great singles matches, but WWF seemed more intently focused on letting him get run over by bigger singles stars. 

It makes no sense to me, as he's someone who actually looked credible fighting back against Hogan and Andre, but I guess they only wanted him looking credible for 90-120 seconds. I like how he takes Andre's offense but I like the way he hits Andre even more. It's futile of course, and it's a shame that Andre treats him like he would treat any of the jobbers in a 3 on 1 handicap match. Rex has these great comical bumps, like his back bump after being thrown into the buckles, or a great moment where Andre deadlifts Rex off the mat by his waistband (with Rex later getting some shots in on Andre while holding HIS trunks). Andre pays him back with a cool standing splash. 1980s WWF never seemed to grasp the value of an 8 minute match. They were either having Tony Garea go out there working a 20 minute draw or they were having a Moondog lose in under 2 minutes. As always, what we get is fun, but even ONE more minute would have made this so much more worthwhile. 

Earthquake vs. Bastion Booger WWF Superstars 3/12/94 - FUN

ER: Not a ton to this one, sadly, other than the probable combined weight of these two. And yet, just seeing the bulging bellies on them is more than enough for me. We need more bulging bellies held in by shaping singlets, and more bulging bellies tucked deeply into hiked up trunks. Earthquake hits his big dropkick, but a lot of this was Booger hitting so-so clubbing forearm shots until Earthquake stops messing around. That moment comes after Booger hits an avalanche and then does his little dance - while Johnny Polo plays the theme to the Odd Couple over it, perfectly in time, for reasons I couldn't possibly know. And yes, I mean that Polo actually played the theme, he had it cued up and ready. It was not him singing it. Earthquake hits a powerslam followed by an excellent big man elbowdrop, before dropping his big ass  on him. A good enough example of the high floor a fat guy match has. 

Braun Strowman vs. Keith Lee WWE Raw 10/19/20 - FUN

ER: This was three cool minutes of a match that should have been at least nine. Strowman punches Lee in the stomach and headbutts him, then runs into him with an avalanche, clotheslines him to the floor, and gets a head of steam before shoulderblocking him into the apron. They add a cool wrinkle when Braun pulls a muscle in his ribs while trying to powerslam the massive Lee, and Lee immediately goes after the ribs. He punches Braun in the ribs and kidneys, hits a big splash, and we have what's shaping up to be a great big man war. 

The problem is, is that it ends right after it establishes itself. This felt like 3 cool minutes of a full main event. But instead, Braun lifts the back of his head into Lee's balls when Lee goes for a powerbomb, then Braun just kicks him to the mat for the win. In a vacuum this was all great, hard hitting big man stuff. But there's no reason to be tossing this match out there in the main event slot and then cutting the legs off it. This would play better if these were two mid-carders having it out an hour into Smackdown, but in a main event slot from two guys who have been occupying main event roles, they should really be aspiring to something higher than a cool Albert/Rhyno match. What we got was great, but it easily could have and should have been much more.  

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WWF 305 LIVE: KAMALA! BOOGER! HEAVY MACHINERY! AUTHORS OF PAIN!

Kamala vs. Bastion Booger WWF Mania 6/27/93 - EPIC

ER: When you see on paper what match you're getting, and you're the kind of person who would be excited by this match on paper, I cannot imagine you leaving this one disappointed. I didn't even realize they were in WWF at the same time (there was about a month of overlap) and had no idea this match existed. Even in match lists it doesn't turn up on most searches (if you go to cagematch they only list a couple of house show matches and no TV match) but it doesn't appear to have aired on Europe-only TV so who knows why the Deep State has been hiding this match from people. On Superstars the day before, Vince referred to Booger as "a disgusting endomorph" which sounds like a hilarious bodybuilder bubble HHH insult (like when he called Punk "skinny fat"), and so we have a disgusting endomorph vs. a Ugandan Giant, obviously that is going to be epic. Booger bumps around in real fun "can he get up!?" ways for Kamala, with the best parts being these sick cross chops Kamala threw right to the Adam's apple and lead to fast back bumps from Booger (and I love Booger's back bumps because he is so round - one could call him an endomorph, in fact - that he bumps like someone threw a jello sculpture to the mat). I am filled with glee as Kamala chokes Booger over the middle rope, as I picture the white rope as a sentient rope who just has a big frown on his face as the two fattest dudes lean their weight on him. They brawl to a double count out and Booger takes a nice ring posting, and obviously there wasn't going to be a clean finish when you're dealing with specimens like these. It was either going time limit draw or double KO baby. 

Heavy Machinery vs. Authors of Pain NXT 7/12/17 - VERY GOOD

ER: We have a major dearth of fat guys in pro wrestling these days, so I imagine this will be one of our later 305 entries. These guys are four of the biggest guys that have ever appeared on NXT, so thankfully they gave us at least one TV match together. What's cruel is that they know exactly what they are giving us, because every time they show a graphic for this match throughout the episode they talk about how much damn beef is going to be in the ring at once. There are so many small people in NXT, they obviously knew what a treat a match like this was going to be. Confusingly, it was taped before 4th of July and easily could have aired around the holiday. That would have been a good reason to turn the match into a hot dog eating contest or something cool and patriotic like that, but instead they just had them wrestle a normal match with no competitive eating. 

Akam and Rezar don't do a ton for me, but I really like their knees to the face and it's cool that they go to that a lot. There was a long heat segment on Tucker and a lot of it was him trying to get to his feet while getting clubbed and taking short knees right to the face. I could probably be won over by a team that did nothing but big clubs, decent clotheslines, quick tags, cranking cravats, and knees to the face. The hot tag to Otis is the real highlight, with him coming in throwing hard shoulderblocks and lariats, with my favorite lariats being the ones he throws just to block AoP lariats. It's a cool visual when two huge guys are throwing arms as hard as they can while trying to block, and I wonder if either wound up with some big bruises on their inner biceps. Tucker really muscles one of AoP over the top to the floor with an even better lariat, and Otis chucks one of them with a big boy belly to belly (and you know his belly is REALLY up against that belly). Wish a little bit of an extended stretch this could have been a real standout tag, but just went things are really looking to get on fire they go home quick. I liked AoP's DDT and their lariat/legsweep finisher works well with their size, but it's disappointing when you know something was close to being awesome and only didn't get there due to not having an extra 75 seconds.

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WWF 305 Live: Crush! Booger! Viscera! Kane! Big Show! Undertaker!

Crush vs. Bastion Booger WWF Raw 6/28/93 - GREAT

ER: This is great for what it is supposed to be great at. They're a week out from the Stars and Stripes Challenge, and Crush is being lightly built up as someone who could potentially be the one to slam Yokozuna. On the way to the ring Heenan is the one to point out that if ANYone in the WWF had a chance of getting Yokozuna on his tiptoes, it would be Crush. Vince and Savage weren't talking about it, so Heenan bringing it up unprovoked about a good guy felt like something kids would have noticed. And the match story is simple but effective, with early hard shoulderblocks neutralizing each other, and Crush twice unable to lift Booger into a fireman's carry. Doubt was cast on Crush's lifting ability, and there's a great moment where Booger crushes him on the floor with a killer avalanche into the ringpost. Booger works a long gross bearhug that Crush fights out of by jamming his arms down into Booger's prominent titties, while Vince and Savage go on and on about how bad Booger smells and how disgusting his hump is. The man's hump is admittedly off putting, it's a really stupidly effective dumb gimmick. We get some great moments of Booger being a large heavy man, and I genuinely can't tell if he was sandbagging intentionally or not. He barely gets over on a backdrop, kind of rolling and flopping off Crush's back, and then Crush actually goes for a vertical suplex but doesn't get him quite vertical and ends up in sort of a half bodyslam. Intentional or not, it's effective at putting over the denseness of Booger, and Crush is strong enough at selling that he comes off strong for just shifting him. The finish is really great as Crush gets fired up and hits three straight bodyslams on Booger for the win, with Vince flipping out the whole time that Booger is 450 pounds, only 100 pounds less than Yokozuna. The fans recognized that too and it made Crush come off like a genuine babyface threat. 

Undertaker vs. The Big Show WWF Raw 5/3/99 - FUN

ER: Pretty stunning that the first ever meeting between Undertaker and Big Show happened on a random episode of Raw, and wasn't even announced ahead of the episode. That's crazy. They really had no idea what to do with Big Show, judging by his character arcs over his first few months. This is a short match with a quick finish, as Undertaker punches Show into the corner and climbs the turnbuckles, only for Show to drag him down with a nice bearhug. Undertaker rolls to the floor and Paul Bearer hands him ether to dump on his elbow pad. I always love when ether or chloroform gets involved, mainly because the commentary has to say things like "You smell that? It smells like ether!" and I suppose if you're around pro wrestlers long enough on the road you may eventually learn how to identify the smells of chloroform or ether. Taker locks on a sleeper and hooks the ethered pad around Show's face, which is a cool spot to bring down a giant. Oh but this is the middle of 1999 so Undertaker just gets a baseball bat and fucking breaks it over Big Show's face. Why not just jump him before the match and bash him with the bat, why wait the 2 minutes? The bat spot is totally preposterous, as the bat just explodes over Show's head, cutting Undertaker around the jaw and busting open Big Show's forehead, swelling his eye. There was a lot of ridiculous weapons stuff during this era, but Russo realllly loved the implausibility of full force baseball bat shots to the head.

Viscera vs. Kane WWE Backlash 5/1/05 - VERY GOOD

ER: Outside of the weird racist/misogynist Trish/Viscera angle (Viscera slaps her ass and is promised sex upon Kane's demise, Trish calls him - among other things - a "chicken eater" when he fails), this match was a blast. Kane is outweighed by almost 200 pounds so works more as the fast undersized guy. They run into each other nice and heavy, Kane drops fast cruiser elbows like he's Waltman or something, and even hits a nice legdrop with good height. The standing exchanges look good, and even though Kane usually hits light on flying offense, he dialed up the crazy and hit a flying shoulder tackle off the top to the floor. Viscera bumped big, ring shaking back bumps, nice job running into the ringpost, all of it felt very King of the Monsters. We even got a fun spot where Trish ran after Kane with a chair but got blindsided by a Lita cane shot, sending Trish and the chair flying. These two have matched up several times, and this match made it clear that there could be a really good match in there somewhere. I could also see this being their peak, but this was real good.

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WWF 305 Live: Earthquake! Buddy Rose! Yokozuna! Mabel! MORE!

Big Bossman vs. Buddy Rose WWF Wrestling Challenge 7/22/90 - FUN

ER: Buddy wasn't someone who was going to get much of a match during his 90s WWF run, but he knew all he had to be was a big fat guy who flew around the ring. And my did he fly. Most of this match is Bossman making Buddy run all around the ring, and it's great. He leaves his feet to bump a Bossman uppercut, bumps upside down into the turnbuckles in a crazy moment, bumps to the floor, eats a backdrop, does the silly teeter-totter spot with him sitting on the middle rope, and is thrown into the ropes multiple times. He was a big fat guy who could run, and it was cool seeing Bossman pivot and toss him into the corner, and plant him with that Bossman Slam. Even looking blobby as hell, Buddy deserved more in '90 WWF.

Earthquake vs. Bastion Booger WWF Wrestling Challenge 2/20/94 - FUN

ER: This was Earthquake's short-lived return to WWF, presumably because those big WCW checks came a'callin', but they know what they're doing and so really early in his run they throw him in against a big fat guy. Booger wasn't that good, as far as big fat guys go, but it's cool seeing Quake against a biggun. Booger wasn't super fleet so him running into corners looked awkward, but it's hard not to smile while watching these two. Booger had a couple decent legdrops and a not as good kneedrop/splash (it looked like he was going for kneedrop but then just kind of fell forward on Quake's face/chest), but this was all about what Quake could do in his comeback. He was smaller than his WWF peak 4 years earlier, so his quickness wasn't surprising, but still impressive to see. He picked Booger up for an awesome powerslam, dropped a big leg, great elbowdrop, fans flipping out for the Earthquake splash...and I think back to a simpler time, when my friends and I were playing King of the Colloseum and I got a critical doing John Tenta's butt drop. We all lost it, and I still think about it.

Mabel/Typhoon vs. Yokozuna/Crush WWF Wrestling Challenge 7/31/94 - GREAT

ER: God would you look at the absolute BEEF on display in this match?? Crush was a damn cruiserweight compared to the rest of these hunks, and this whole match was as good as you hoped. This whole match is filled with the constant sound of waterbeds being dropped onto each other. Honestly it was so much fun that I went back and watched it again, immediately after watching it the first time. Typhoon was a really fun rope runner, a guy who really trusted the ropes and always leaned way into them, and we got a great spot where he leaned deep in the ropes and then hit a double lariat on Yoko and Crush. Yokozuna was really fun, taking three of his big back bumps, hitting the corner hard on a missed running butt splash, hitting a nice headbutt, and even swiping Mabel's ankle from the floor (there's something endlessly amusing about a 550 pound dude cheating against a 550 pound dude). Crush really brought something different as the wee lil guy in the match, throwing a couple nice kick combos, working a big ass triangle on Mabel, for some reason trying an atomic drop on Mabel (he kind of went up, barely, awkwardly, but I dug that because it *shouldn't* be easy to hit an atomic drop on Mabel), and Crush missed a crazy kneedrop off the top. The finish was a cool idea, with Crush hitting a tall superkick to the back of Tugboat's head, sending him into a Yoko belly to belly. Tugboat didn't get up great on the suplex, but again, none of these guys should get up for anything.


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