Andre is Hit on The Head With A Frying Pan, Lives in A Garbage Can

Rumble Match WWF Royal Rumble 1/15/89 - GREAT

ER: Andre is in the Rumble for 15 minutes, but it's easily one of the best performances in the whole match. It's not news that Andre is an incredible presence in any battle royal he's in. There's a reason Andre in a battle royal was such a durable pro wrestling draw, but this is an Andre battle royal performance completely different than any other. This is 15 minutes of Andre as an aged mastodon, with Demolition, Mr. Perfect, Ronnie Garvin, Greg Valentine, and Jake Roberts as the cavemen trying to bring him down without getting stepped on or gored. Demolition started the Rumble, and Andre was the 3rd entrant, and the second Andre stepped into the ring Demolition were beating the hell out of him. It's so cool seeing Andre immediately reeling, and his wounded mastodon performance was incredible. He's taking constant kicks and punches, lashing out almost blindly, and when he connects it always does serious damage. Every new guy that enters the Rumble goes right after Andre, with Perfect coming in and immediately punching Andre in the face only to nearly get headbutted over the top. Garvin comes in and he, Ax, and Perfect tie Andre up in the ropes, leading to a great spot as the agonized giant kicks all three of them off. Perfect is great bumping around for Andre, with he and Garvin each trying to attack him while Andre is sitting on Ax in the corner. There are all these tiny moments of Andre's mounting anger getting interrupted, the giant reacting with gritted teeth, one second away from nuking someone before getting blindsided by someone else. Andre never knows who to focus on, so he just keeps absorbing shots until he gets his hands around someone's throat. 

Once Jake comes in, Andre puts his blinders on to everyone else, and just goes off on Roberts. Andre lets Roberts punch him a few times and gets a big grin on his face before clobbering him, then uses his singlet strap to strangle him. Valentine is hilarious the whole time Andre is smashing Jake, as he keeps running across the ring with huge swinging clubbing shots, and Andre completely ignores them until finally turning around and headbutting Valentine. Andre tosses Jake (and several others throughout his 15 minutes), and I'm sad to see his run end so quickly. Roberts runs back to the ring with Damien, and Andre nopes the hell out of there, eliminating himself. Andre running the hell out of the ring was a great spot, and a fine way to defeat Godzilla when conventional weapons weren't working. But I wish it happened way later in the match, would have been much more satisfying to have Jake come out 10 entrants later, give Andre a 30 minute run. Still, for 15 minutes, it was impossible for me to watch anyone but Andre, a man who knew how to fill battle royal time better than maybe anyone. 

Andre the Giant/Mighty Inoue vs. Cactus Jack/Texas Terminator Hoss AJPW 4/5/91 - FUN

ER: I love that we have these kind of oddball match-ups preserved, how we get a 25 year old Cactus Jack going up against a top 5 all time legend, and putting in one of his greatest early career performances. We do not get an Andre vs. Hoss match up, which is honestly probably for the best. Hoss is great at hitting big slams on Inoue, and while it would have been fun seeing him bump for the still much larger Andre, it probably protected both by having them not cross paths. Besides, Cactus vs. Andre was so damn fun that I didn't miss Andre vs. Hoss. Inoue takes a pounding but the crowd is hot for an Andre tag, and Andre - still  looking like a total mountain mover - punches Cactus right in the head and throws chops like Col. Steve Austin swinging a tree branch into a heavy. Andre looked like a gigantic Punch Out boss dwarfing Little Mac, and Cactus made Andre look like the legend he still was. Cactus took two big backdrops, one on the floor and one in the ring, Inoue hit two terrific rolling sentons on him (there is presently nobody who does a Mighty Inoue style standing rolling senton, and that's idiotic because it would be a solid add to anybody's moveset). Cactus runs valiantly into the middle turnbuckle in a Grade A bump, and then makes Andre's big boot in the corner look like a pipe to the face. Andre looking at Hoss on the apron with "Go ahead, break up this pin, motherfucker" eyes while he just falls on Cactus for the pin is some classic final years Andre presence.

PAS: Fun stuff, turns out Cactus and Andre are pretty perfect opponents. Late era Andre is going to stand there, be huge and have people bounce off of him, and Cactus is willing and able to bounce off of people. We get a crazy Cactus shoulder bump into a post and a backdrop on the concrete, and he absolutely gets flattened by an Andre elbow. That's really all you need to make something like this work. 

COMPLETE AND ACCURATE ANDRE THE GIANT

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The Joy of WWF Saturday Night's Main Event 7/28/90

During this era, there was no program I looked forward to more than Saturday Night's Main Event. My dad would tape it for me and I'd watch the tapes over and over, and this episode was one of my favorites. It's a loaded episode with all the belts on the line, and several memorable performances. Let's see how much I like it 30 years later. 

Rick Rude vs. Ultimate Warrior

ER: A smokin' great Rude performance in front of an unhinged crowd that loved every single thing Warrior did. Warrior's entrance reactions were at their peak here (and it's kind of amazing how loud this crowd stayed for this show considering they had already sat through THREE long Superstars tapings) and Rude was almost certainly Warrior's best ever opponent. This isn't one of their greatest matches, and Rude doesn't get much offense, but Rude stooged his way through this and built to him almost winning the belt. Rude took big bumps on Irish whips into turnbuckles, got tossed by a press slam, ate axe handles like they were dangerous projectiles, and gave us two immaculate atomic drop sells. I can't imagine having more fun as a professional wrestler than getting atomic dropped in front of 8,000 loud fans, then sticking your tailbone out and duck walking across the ring on your tiptoes before getting laid out with a clothesline. Rude's atomic drop selling is probably the greatest stooge sell of all time, and it's amazing how uniquely he treated the bump and always found new gags to add in. I love the heel aspect of Rude coming back by wasting Warrior with a belt shot, nailing him with a convincing nearfall Rude Awakening, leaping onto his back to really sink in a sleeper (Warrior hilariously getting his leg lifted by the ref like he's doing Jan Fonda glute exercises), and of course all the distraction and interference Heenan ran from ringside. I loved Heenan stopping the count and then walking all the way down the entrance way like he was just minding his own business, not interfering in a pro wrestling match. The finish is a big mess with Warrior taking it all out on Heenan (Heenan gets his face bounced off all the turnbuckles and takes a wild bump to the floor after getting tossed) and the match gets called a DQ. But what a tremendous Rude performance, the kind that keeps moving him up my list of favorite wrestlers ever. 

They play *that* Hulk Hogan tribute video, and watching it again with adult eyes I kind of forgive myself for thinking that Hulk Hogan had actually died because of Earthquake. If you showed this to someone who was unfamiliar with the angle, I can only assume that they would think Hulk Hogan died, or at minimum was seriously injured. The entire video really plays like Hogan got crushed to death by Earthquake. I liked the in ring Hogan promo and the intensity of Earthquake/Dino Bravo surrounding the ring, with a big tumbling save from Tugboat. I'm really surprised they didn't run the Hogan/Tugboat vs. Earthquake/Bravo tag match sooner (they ran it a few times on house shows, but not for several months after this aired, and this tag didn't air on TV until 6 months later), but this angle played out really well on TV. 

The Rockers vs. Demolition (Smash/Crush)

ER: Crush is kinda clumsy and doesn't have great timing, and this probably would have been better with Ax and Smash. But Ax gives a strong ringside performance and Smash puts in a great performance. Barry Darsow was a real goofball but was good at creating openings for the small Rockers and good at directing tags with Crush. Rockers looked good, had a couple nice headscissors and dropkicked both Smash and Crush to the floor. Eadie hits a great lariat on the floor to allow Demolition to take control, and the simple control segment is good. Crush hits big backbreakers on Marty Jannetty and even hits a cool press slam to throw him from the floor over the top rope. Michaels and Crush probably mix up less than anyone in the match, but Crush was fun as a big lug taking cruiser offense. The finish run is really fun with the Rockers hitting a great tandem superkick on Smash, then hitting the spot of the match with a gorgeous tandem fistdrop. Michaels hits an O'Connor roll on Smash but Ax comes in and nukes him with a clothesline, fun use of the masked heel finish. 

Mr. Perfect vs. Tito Santana

ER: This was great, a rematch of the finals of the IC Title tourney (after Warrior vacated the title), and even better than that match. Tito gets such a wonderful, loud babyface reaction throughout the match, with especially loud cheers coming from women. The cheers were higher pitch and loud, and Perfect bumped all over the ring and floor in a way that really made it look like Tito had a chance. Sure, it's not surprising to hear that Perfect bumped his way through a match, but these bumps came off like Tito was a serious threat, almost all of them felt like an actual extension of the move he was taking and not like athletic showing off. He flew to the floor two different times, really flying out past the top rope no his way to the floor; he took a couple of his signature flip bumps that land him on his head, getting his leg swept on the floor and in the ring. The in ring leg sweep bump is Perfect's signature, but I don't remember seeing him use it on the floor like this, not often. 

We get a long stretch of Earl Hebner selling a leg injury, and it takes a lot for Tito and Perfect to not let him overshadow everything. Hebner got run up on and he drags himself all around the edges of the ring as if he took sniper fire from the rafters. He's a wounded soldier in there and hilariously, Perfect has to overact just to try to combat Hebner's extreme overacting. So Hennig is selling Tito's figure 4 as if acid were being slowly poured up his legs, and we build to a nice dramatic moment where Tito hits the flying forearm and Hebner laboriously crawls over, bleeding out, leg likely already lost, and only makes a 2 count. Fans really want Tito to take this, and it's a great moment when Tito finally gets his new referee, running triumphantly down to the ring to gently nudge Hebner out to the floor. Once we get the new ref, the home stretch is brilliant. Perfect takes TWO atomic drops, meaning this show had TWO Minnesotans (the biological best bumpers on the planet) each taking TWO atomic drops and creating FOUR unique atomic drop bumps in the process (Perfect's silliest involved him getting bounced face first into the turnbuckle). The finish itself is so well executed and felt like one of those cool Arn finishes: Tito ducks down for a backdrop that Perfect scouts, Perfect stops short and grabs him for a Perfect Plex, Tito expects that and blocks it with a small package, and Perfect reversed the small package and narrowly escapes with a 3. I could easily see someone lifting this finish today, except Perfect and Tito made it look like actual logical reversals and not two dance partners over anticipating movements that haven't yet come. This is one of the more fondly remembered matches in SNME history, and it earns that acclaim. 

Buddy Rose vs. Kerry von Erich

ER: This is von Erich's TV debut, and really there aren't many cooler things in wrestling history than Kerry von Erich's long shag underneath a headband. Buddy Rose is a really fun but opponent for a debuting von Erich. Rose is gigantic and has two of the more memorable bumps on a show that had Rick Rude, Shawn Michaels, and Mr. Perfect in full title matches. He slaps Kerry to start and spends the rest of the match getting his ass kicked in and out of the ring. It's great. Kerry slams him, Buddy stumbles around and gets caught in the ropes, does that crazy huge fat guy Harley Race bump where he hangs off the bottom rope by his feet and falls on his head, and he leans right into a spins into the mat after taking the discus punch. This match and a two minute Superstars match are the only two times these absolute wrestling legends crossed paths, two stars from different worlds orbiting each other for merely 5 total minutes. 

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