There's a Picture Opposite Me, of Andre's Primitive Ancestry

Andre the Giant/Haku vs. Demolition WWF 1/23/90  - GREAT 

ER: This was released on WWF's...um... Unreleased DVD, and just look at that body language Andre is giving off before the bell. I love how the man leans into the ropes, love how the cameras cut back to him during Demolition's entrance to clearly show him rolling his eyes with a "These fucking guys" expression. Haku and Demolition throw down, with body blows and bad punches and a great missed Haku headbutt right into the mat. Demolition starts frequently switching out of the match, not making tags, just being annoying. It leaves Andre in the amusing position of complaining to the referee to restore some order. I don't know why it's so entertaining seeing Andre having a very normal conversation with the referee, but the whole situation kills me. Demolition is running in and out of the ring battering Haku with axe handles, and the largest man anybody in the arena has ever seen is standing in the middle of the apron arguing with the ref like he's on the phone with Comcast asking a question about his bill. "Well I'm asking you what the charge is for. No, that's what I said, I'm asking you." 

If I go to the doctor's office and the largest human I have ever seen is having a plain boring disagreement with the receptionist, it might be the funniest thing I will ever witness. "Well they told me my appointment was at 11. It's 11:25 and I have somewhere I need to be at noon. Yes, I understand how you can't control how long each patient exam takes, but I was told to be here 15 minutes before my appointment...Yes, Yes I understand that, but...Okay well the interference and illegal tags are literally happening right behind you...No I am telling you that...you know what, fine. I'll just grab my little rope in the corner."

Demolition has a lot of phony tough guy offense, a lot of stomping to cover up that their strikes never look that good, but let me just say that ALL of Ax's stomping clubbing punches to Haku's neck looked great, and Haku finally creates some space by catching Smash deep under the chin with a superkick, finally leading to our actual Andre involvement. Andre's control is very brief, literally standing on Smash before falling to his butt on a missed sit down splash. Once Andre is prone on his back, that's when Demolition can run wild, beating on a gigantic man who can't seem to turn himself over, a 180 year old tortoise getting stomped and axe handled. Let me tell you, Ax choking Andre and bouncing him up and down on the bottom rope is one helluva visual, right hand wrapped around Andre's throat (choking Andre with just ONE HAND!), Andre's head and shoulders draped over the bottom rope. But it's dangerous just working offense on Andre without sticking and moving, and Ax finds that out when he hits an elbowdrop and Andre just rolls over and starts to smother him. Ax made the foolish decision to lie down directly next to the wounded bear, and was somehow surprised when that bear just rolled over and wouldn't let go. Old Andre on offense is great, as he drops down with that butt splash (holding onto the middle rope for easy plopping), and I love how his eyes go wide with excitement when Haku smashes Ax's head into Andre's gigantic head. 

The finish run has a couple of my favorite ever Andre moments. The first is when he's holding Ax in the corner, pressing in with his butt, and when Ax tries to worm away from the expected Haku charge Andre just grabs Ax by the straps and throws him back into the corner like he's tossing a backpack into his car. I don't know if I ever saw Demolition's Cruising straps used against them and here's Andre just throwing that man by them like it's nothing. Right after that we get an even more incredible Andre moment, one that showcases how much better his physical acting was than any other wrestler's: After throwing Ax by the straps, Andre immediately begins talking shit to Smash, rubbing it in that he and Haku were wasting the old man, without realizing that Haku missed the avalanche. When he notices this and sees Ax crawling away like an escaped lobster, he yells out Hey! the way a giant yells Hey! and then just kicks Ax in the ribs.

Demolition's hot tag is strong, starting with Haku running into a hard Ax back elbow and taking a high backdrop for Smash. Andre drops down into the ropes in a cool way off a Smash clothesline, and a Demolition tandem lariat staggers him and drops him to his butt. Sadly, the finish is a bad one, just Demolition taking the Colossal Connections' belts and using them as a weapon in full view of the ref, Andre getting the hell out of the arena without even considering retrieving that belt. The concierge service, you see, takes care of that. 

COMPLETE AND ACCURATE ANDRE THE GIANT

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WWF 305 Live: Colossal Connection vs. Demolition

Demolition (Ax/Smash) vs. Andre the Giant/Haku WWF WrestleMania VI 4/1/90 - GREAT

ER: This was it right here, a 10 minute clash of the titans, four meaty hosses swinging at each other in front of an unreal 68,000 screaming Skydome fans. Andre's excellent acting was always even more incredible in front of a genuine all time audience, and even though this is one of the least active in-ring Andre matches (even his end of days All Japan matches saw him step in the ring more than this), I couldn't take my eyes off him any time he was in frame. He literally did not tag into this match one time, relying on Haku dragging Ax or Smash over to their corner where he could headbutt them, punch them, throw an overhand choke, anything he could do to put on a show while keeping his feet in almost the exact same spot. Haku takes on both of Demolition and it is the best, with Haku punching them in the throat and Demolition throwing hard lariats and axe handles. There are a bunch of great camera angles of Andre looking so large against the crowd, and his facial reactions from the apron are the greatest in wrestling history. Watch him rooting on Haku and counting along with the referee when he thinks the match is over. 

My favorite moment of the match was Andre catching Ax in the corner and wrapping a tag rope around his neck. Watch Andre's body language as he's tightening his arm on the choke, watch his jaw, watch his eyes watching Ax. Andre's wrestling acting is second to none, and it's why he's able to be this important to a match without leaving the apron. The Demolition comeback gets a huge reaction from the huge crowd, making Demolition tandem clotheslines seem like the most exciting action in the world. Andre eats a Haku superkick when Smash wriggles out of his grasp, and that sends Andre flying back into the ropes and leaves Demolition free to take out Haku. Andre's struggle to free himself is always so convincing, as it's not only a spot that looks spectacular but Andre is able to convey the vulnerability of a large trapped animal. Heenan slaps Andre after the match and gets wailed on, and Andre throwing Heenan and headbutting Haku out of the Ring Rope Entrance Cart is a favorite WrestleMania memory of mine. 

COMPLETE AND ACCURATE ANDRE THE GIANT

COMPLETE AND ACCURATE WWF 305 LIVE

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SEGUNDA CAIDA DECLARES WAR!! SWS 9/17/91

I'm an SWS novice, but 30 seconds in I already love the "Straight and Strong" tagline with a Godzilla T-Rex logo. Just some straight and strong wrestling right here. And also here's a dinosaur.

1. Samson Fuyuki & Shinichi Nakano vs. Kendo Nagasaki & Great Kabuki

ER: Joined in progress which is a shame, as we open on Kabuki and Nagasaki beating the snot out of Fuyuki. Kabuki throws one of the best running knees I've ever seen, and they roll to the floor to dump Fuyuki on a table and throw chairs at him while he flails in his awesome floral tights. Back in the ring and the Kendo/Kabuki double thrust kick is awesome and since both guys know how to hit a thrust kick it really should be a finisher. Fuyuki hits a falling clothesline on Kabuki, but Kabuki laughs it off, smacks him with a superkick and then shows Fuyuki how to REALLY throw a boss running clothesline. Nakano was a furious house of fire here but was really only in for 30 seconds (at least of what was shown of the 7 minutes), and Fuyuki still wrestles like a junior, and is still mostly junior size, winning with a cradle. I like the Kendo/Kabuki team, as well as the Fuyuki/Nakano team, but Fuyuki's comeback came out of nowhere and wasn't really believable at all.

2. Akira Katayama vs. Kenichi Oya

ER: I really liked Hisakatsu Oya during his FMW days, always thought he was a real underrated guy. I am 94% positive that I have never seen an Akira Katayama match in my life. I'm used to seeing Oya wearing his black karate pants and weird balding-down-the-middle 'do so it's weird to see him still balding down the middle, but wearing lime green and apricot shorts. Katayama is wearing tiger striped tights with "Rocket" written down the sides. It's like a couple NJPW trainees got sick of being forced to wear black trunks and do a bunch of boston crabs and dropkicks, so once they joined SWS they rebelled by wearing the shittiest trunks possible. First 7 minutes of the match are a whole bunch of nothing, but then suddenly a switch flips and Katayama starts working over the arm and it gets good. All the arm holds are put over by Oya's yelling and struggling, and Katayama does some cool knee drops to the bum wing. But Oya immediately ignores it all once he transitions back to offense (even using the bad arm for the first two post-armwork moves he does, an inside cradle and a clothesline). Last 5 minutes are fun as both guys just stop pretending to sell and start busting out all the big moves. We get plenty of nasty suplexes and a couple big dives from Katayama. Katayama also breaks out the stiff headbutts and uppercuts. So it was a total mess of a match, with 7 boring minutes leading into 3 ultimately pointless-yet-engaging minutes of decent armwork, leading to a really fun 5 minute sprint. I really wish this was the match joined in progress.

3. Masao Orihara vs. Tatsumi (Koki) Kitahara

ER: Orihara does not look like a disgraced yakuza button man yet and Kitahara is young and mulleted. Orihara does a bunch of poorly planned and reckless flips to the floor to start, seemingly with no regard to where he lands. Kitahara is gracious enough to catch him. Back in and Kitahara does a stiff legsweep and then points to his head to show how smart he is. Awesome. Then he starts kicking Orihara a bunch, and sassily gets the crowd to cheer for Orihara to make a comeback. One big vertical suplex later and Orihara is dumped to the floor, with Kitahara following to deliver one of the nastiest snap suplexes I've ever seen, right on the rampway. Good lord that was fast and painful. Orihara gets some little flying comebacks, until Koki decides to level him with a short arm clothesline to the neck. This sets up one of the coolest spots I've seen in months: So Orihara just got leveled with a clothesline, and he's taken a pretty man-sized beating and struggling to get up, and Kitahara is smugly leaning against the ropes, waiting for Orihara to get up so he can level him with another clothesline. Orihara gets up, Kitahara sprints forward and swings for the fences, only for Orihara to reverse it with a crucifix roll up for a GREAT near fall. What made it work so damn well was the commitment. Kitahara looked like he didn't expect Orihara to reverse it, so he threw the clothesline with full strength, making him off balance for the resulting takedown and roll up. Great spot. It doesn't matter in the end as Kitahara ends up hitting a mean northern lights suplex to win, but a great moment is a great moment. I don't know if I can call the match really good, as my end impression was that this was more Kitahara flexing nuts on a young boy, and the pacing wasn't great, and nobody really sold anything. These things are hard as shit for me to rank or judge or critique. Basically, all the moves looked good, some looked brutal, but I never felt invested in any of it.

4. Greg Valentine vs. Fumihiro Niikura

ER: Valentine comes out to some big brassy burlesque number, like he's working some underground strip club during Prohibition. Niikura was in the Viet Cong Express with Hiroshi Hase in the 80s. Match wasn't special as it was basically an extended Valentine squash, but if you wanted to see The Hammer stiff up a Japanese guy you don't really know, then this would be right up your alley. Valentine looked really good here, throwing some of the best elbow strikes I've seen (the stiffest Dusty elbow you've ever seen, really great back elbows, and ends the match after three straight beautiful elbow drops). Is there anybody with better elbow drops than Valentine? Hansen maybe? Probably definitely Hansen.

5. Davey Boy Smith vs. Takashi Ishikawa

ER: On paper I was pretty excited for this one but Davey gasses WAY early and gets super chinlocky the whole match. Ishikawa tries his damndest to make it interesting but any time the match starts to approach any action, Davey Boy locks on a chinlock and loudly breathes, literally wheezing and gasping all over Ishikawa. Match ends with Davey Boy hitting a body slam and winning with a bad flying clothesline off the top. Those two moves were two of the only moves Davey Boy hit all match. Horrible. Ishikawa threw an awesome dropkick and was not responsible for any of the shittiness here.

6. Naoki Sano & George Takano vs. Yoshiaki Yatsu & Haku

ER: Weird match up as it's two large heavyweights against two juniors and you also had the dynamic of the giant guys cheating throughout the match. So the cheating would get booed, but Yatsu is also clearly one of the biggest stars in SWS so many fans still wanted to cheer his team. Sano looked really good here and his comebacks against Haku were really good, and I really liked Haku's powerbomb variations. Match was building to something and then Haku and Yatsu rough up the ref and the match gets thrown out after like 7 minutes. Booooooo. I think we had some clipping as well at some point.

7. Genichiro Tenryu & Ashura Hara vs. Demolition (Smash and Crush)

ER: In retrospect Demolition had a horrible look and must have been one of the reasons my parents were filled with shame by my young/current/future wrestling fandom. I know they were supposed to look like Mad Max rogues, but they come off looking more like undercover cops trying too hard to blend in at The Mine Shaft. Barry Darsow is such a weirdo in this. He's still doing his "constant chatter" schtick, but it's so jarring to see and hear a giant leather daddy yelling "Shut your mouth, goofball!" or "I'm gonna beat this stinkin' bum!" Demolition are pretty boring here as their long control segment on Tenryu is just clubbing and chin locks (save for a really awesome and dangerous Smash backdropping Tenryu into a Crush piledriver). Control segment takes a long time, but the fans want Hara. Hara gets the hot tag, and unfortunately the match ends immediately after he comes in and does two clotheslines, and Darsow didn't exactly lean into them so they didn't look like normal match ending WAR type clotheslines.


Soooooo......this card was pretty damn disappointing. The theme of SWS seems to be that any move can end a match, at any time. Which just meant that every match ended out of nowhere on a move that looked like it shouldn't have ended the match. Wish we got the full cut of the Kabuki match.

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