ECW Cyberslam 2/22/97

I've been casually watching 1997 ECW as a tonal break while writing and reviewing every 1997 WCW match for my book, so you may start seeing more reviews of 1997 ECW.  

1. The Eliminators vs. RVD/Sabu 

ER: This match happened a lot over 96/97 because, as two teams with too much offense but relatively fast pacing, they felt like a natural pairing. In reality, they had no chemistry, and the matches were a night more of odd selling and clunky set up times. Their matches were long, emotionless, clumsy, and athletically stupid, but fun in in the way that some walked through but slightly ambitious too long local indy matches can be. "Hey you remember that match we saw at the Vet's Building, where they thought they could do a grueling spotfest but just fell and hurt themselves?" The Eliminators have no actual idea how to put together a match, and I can't think of another team who looked anywhere near as facially stupid as Saturn and Kronus. They walk around with the cadence and expressions of mental patients. Mental patients who can do flips. They're fucking awful and every single last one of us had a dogshit 4 hours Eliminators comp that we thought was great. That was then and this is now and these matches are just bad. They're all 20 minutes, they have as many minutes as a Ric Blade match, and they never have good vibe that Ric Blade matches had. They don't capture that same He's Trying, Alright energy. 

This is billed as a Tables & Ladders match and it winds up using tables, ladders, and chairs less often than in their awful match three weeks earlier at Crossing the Line Again. This long match even starts with matwork, and I'm good on seeing more RVD/Saturn matwork. Everybody just walks around getting into place for everything, they kick ladders into each other and always half miss the ladder, and there is never any kind of flow. There is some of that yard tard Jeff Hardy charm when they run through overly complicated spots that always seem to come off somewhat wrong but hurt in the way that Jeff Hardy's falls would hurt. You'd expect better from two 16 year olds using a park picnic table as an offensive jumping off point, and if you're going to work an inspired backyard match then you need to make sure your work is ready for the backyard. RVD takes two Total Eliminations at the finish. John Kronus performs that move every time like it's the first time he's ever done it, and it always leads to three guys all trying to get on the same page in real time. 

2. Little Guido vs. Chris Chetti

Tommy Rich in a

Hard Rock Cafe jean jacket

Where did he get it

It's the same color

As his non-boot cut blue jeans

light wash all day long

ponytail pulled tight

face bloated red and purple

We need more Wildfire

Wait you're telling me

Hard Rock Cafe Tokyo shirt? 

Under a fringe vest? 

Who took this man out? 

Who gave him money for this? 

Not to be trusted

I don't remember Guido having such a nice kneedrop. Everything Guido did here looked tight. Chetti was really new, 20 matches in, and had this weird mix of early David Flair lurching stiffness with a rookie willingness to try offense he would cut later. Five-months-in Chetti has a much better standing rana than you would have guessed. You know what's better? Guido's gutbuster. Guido misses a top rope kneedrop, landing on his shins. They try to do a Mikey Whipwreck moment for Chetti, which feels like a waste this early. They shoulda had this boy out there teaming with Rich and Guido, eating pasta fazool, and his whole thing coulda been that he's the good boy from Long Island who always ate too much Sunday sauce with his family.  

3. Stevie Richards vs. Balls Mahoney 

I never think about these two ever wrestling. This wasn't a match ECW would run. This is the only time they wrestled in ECW, then one more match a decade later in WWEC, which is weird. Two Men in Cut-Up Jeans. You can't put your Jeans Guys in the same ring too often. Balls had at least two different good punches in 1997. Stevie does a lot of long really boring arm work that I don't think is going anywhere interesting. Yet? No, this match is at its best when Stevie lets go of the arm and Mahoney unloads fists. Every slightly different punch Balls throws is better than I expect. I always think of Balls as getting really good in 2000s Jersey All Pro but he's been a great Stupid Bluto in 1997. Stevie Richards has some real dogshit offense and has nothing anywhere near as great as Balls' short arm clothesline, which he lays out flat for. His elbowdrop off the middle turnbuckle is closer to Macho Man than CM Punk, his spinning heel kick that sends himself to the floor feels like a more agile Mick Foley spot, and all of his strikes are good.  When he commits all the way to a missed guillotine legdrop, he also sells his balls. I think Balls, selling his balls, and the potential danger of a legdrop - even properly executed - potentially landing you on your balls, is a Rick Rude-level dedication to both nuance and character that I don't think any of us were giving him credit for in 1997. On the other hand, Stevie Richards works like an uninspired Rhett Titus. Hail Balls.  

4. Axl Rotten vs. Spike Dudley 

Spike Dudley takes a full speed head and body first bump into a guardrail and leans into every boot and left hand that Axl Rotten throws at the center of his face. Axl Rotten's left hand is approaching 0.8 Terry Funk and he looks like he has fun throwing it, and those kind of emotions are an important part of great punches. Spike takes such admirable beatings which both makes sense because of his small size, but also must be sheer hell because of his small size. His large bumps have no body to absorb them. He is landing on hip bone points on all of his big, heavy landing crossbodies. Spike Dudley probably had the hardest landing offense of any 150 pounder in wrestling history. His flying forearm hits, his crossbodies land like a full bodybag, and his cannonball off the apron hits Rotten like a bowling ball whipped at a nihilist. His body is heavy because his skeleton is calcified. This had the stiffness and fast pace of a Wildside TV match with the energy of a 1997 ECW match. Bubba and D-Von mess up Spike after the match including a huge thrown into the air powerbomb and Joey Styles is too busy calling the long names of moves to place the beating within context. 

5. Dudley Boyz vs. The Gangstas 

Gangstas matches are known for their weapons shots but New Jack would have clearly been better if he had just dropped all the weapons and shoot punched people in the head and face like this. I'm not sure which New Jack punch is my favorite, but it might be his 1-to-7 punch, where he slowly raises his hand to one before bringing it roughly down across his opponent's head toward 7. Every punch he throws looks really good though. He throws a great elbowdrop too. Also, maybe let him keep the guitar as a weapon because doing his little dance while strumming the guitar before using it is essential. Bubba takes a really high backdrop, and it is possible that Mustafa does not know how to bump. The Dudleys in control isn't anywhere near as interesting as Gangstas in control. Dudleys aren't as lively with their punch and kick, although I do like D-Von's reared back punches. Luckily, New Jack is really great at selling punches and he will also let D-Von hit him in the forehead with a VCR. 

This match has one of the truly crazy New Jack spots - yes, I understand what I'm saying - when he lays D-Von on a table that is very far away from the eagle's nest. He has to take a running, arm swimming, Superman leap that lands him short of the table, meaning he does a running flying headbutt into D-Von's stomach from a 10' drop with 12-15' of distance. I have no idea how he didn't break his neck or wrists or knees or anything upon landing, I have no idea why he set D-Von up so far away, but I love that he got up in that eagle's nest and actually shoved a child in sweatpants aside and knew he couldn't back out of the spot. On the Hardcore TV version of this match they show a different camera angle, not showing any part of the landing but instead showing a shot from across the arena that captured how far out he jumped, like a Gangsta swimming through air. Bubba pins New Jack when New Jack climbs to the top rope, bashes Axl Rotten in the head and throws that chair edge-first down onto him, then leaps off the top into a cutter. It's weird that every single wrestling show in 2023 has a Guy Leaps Into A Cutter spot and I now can't picture anybody doing that spot earlier than fucking New Jack. Was New Jack the best wrestler in 1997 ECW? 

6. Taz vs. Tracy Smothers

This is Smothers' first ECW match, still under contract to WWF for another two months, and in the middle of a Northeast February winter, this legend worked a WWF house show in New Haven, CT and then drove at least three hours over to Philadelphia just to get fucked up by Taz. I know there are better examples of making towns in wrestling history, but what was Tracy even thinking about during that three hour commute? Just listening to area radio on his way to getting shoot slapped a couple times and German suplexed by a man he towers over. Smothers' timing looked a little off here, but that could be because it's not easy to work timing spots with a junior. His standing back elbows looked hard and Taz nicely sold his mouth while Tracy went up top for his flying back elbow, which also looked good. Smothers lost a match to the bad Head Banger and then drove 175 miles to work a match that could have accomplished the same goal had Taz just suplexed Chris Chetti. 

7. Terry Funk/Tommy Dreamer vs. Raven/Brian Lee

Straw Hat Guy keeps yelling "Bullshitter" at Bulldozer Brian Lee, but he is a man who has given more money to Paul Heyman that several actual ECW employees so I'm not sure I would trust his bullshitter radar. It's kind of shocking how low quality this tag match is. It's more of a 20 minute angle than an actual match, except it's supposed to be a match, and the match isn't good. It's extremely lethargic, a walk and brawl in slow motion. Dreamer throws punches with his entire hand open, things only get briefly interesting when Raven and Funk start fighting on the floor, but it's crazy how much worse this was than the Gangstas/Dudley Boyz match on the same card. This is the kind of brawl where people weren't really throwing punches, but more grabbing the back of someone's head and then walking and or throwing them forward into something. Dreamer and Lee spent several minutes on the floor walking each other back and forth at ringside and pushing each other by the head into objects. Raven grabbed Funk by the back of the head and threw him down into the mat a half dozen or more times. Everybody wrestles tired. Funk kicks at Raven's leg and locks in the spinning toehold and things probably peak with Lee stopping the spinning toehold with a trash can shot to Funk's head and knocking Dreamer off the apron with a swing to the side of his head. Then he hits about a dozen trash can swings on Funk that look like the softest weapon shots on this show until the match is stopped and Funk is forced to leave on a stretcher while swearing. This was supposed to be all about furthering the Raven/Dreamer/Funk storyline and distancing Funk from ever getting an ECW title shot but they managed to get there in the least interesting way possible. This was so low energy and I do not know why. 

8. Sabu vs. Chris Candido

Candido is sort of growing out his hair and he has it slicked back, but it's not long enough up top to stay slicked so it just sticks up like a toddler after a bath. Under the white hot lights of the Arena, his white blond hair looks like the hair of Mom's dunderhead sons on Futurama. This match never totally feels like it gels into an actual match, but it does have Sabu jumping off a chair at least a dozen times into a series of leg lariats, huracanranas, legdrops, moonsaults and both are game to bump painfully, but the primary thing that hurts it is the crowd never being that into it in any way. I don't know why, as these people like moves, and this match was mostly move after move after move. Even the punch exchanges all looked good. Shit I wish we had more of them punching each other as every punch exchange here looked good, but without counting I think Sabu jumped off a chair or sprang off the ropes more times than he threw a punch, and that's pretty cool too. A lot of this was just throwing shit at the wall so 25% of it wasn't going to work. Sometimes a piledriver off the middle buckle is just going to look like a guy pulling someone on top of himself. I guess the craziest thing about Sabu going so all out with Air Sabu attacks is that he works in even more spots in this 20 minute match than he did earlier in the night in his 20 minute tag match. How the fuck did this guy take this many ugly landings for 20 straight minutes, two times in one night? 

I mean Candido takes a vertical suplex over the top to the floor that that must have been hell on the ankles and a sheer drop bump to the floor when Sabu tosses him on a charge, and also does an incredible crossbody plancha into the crowd that catches Sabu across the face and shoulders. He also grabs a very long chickenwing that makes the crowd Actually Upset, but more in an Impotently Frustrated way instead of a Drawing Heat way. And so, he spittily yells "It's called wrestling you fucking assholes"and then grabs a ringside mic to yell "Are you people bored? Should I put him in another wrestling hold?" It could have drawn real heat if he kept it up maybe, but instead it wound up looking like he got mad at his own joke. Sabu hit so much stuff and I guess at the end of the day I just love that Sabu had the energy to seemingly make up a bunch of shit on the fly. He does a full triple jump bombs away through a table on the floor when Candido sits up, lands chest first on the guardrail doing a tope, crashes on his butt several times...but also vaults off a chair and hits a flat out gorgeous huracanrana. I love this man and his messiness that can surprise with elegance. Sabu keeps falling off ropes and chairs onto Candido, and eventually one of those times pins him, and Candido cuts this weird promo after about how much of a draw Sabu is and how he doesn't care if Sabu or Taz wins at Barely Legal because "the Triple Threat gets paid either way". His crippling credit card debt and 2nd mortgage were not present in the arena for this promo. 

Best Matches: 

1. Spike Dudley vs. Axl Rotten

2. Sabu vs. Chris Candido

3. Gangstas vs. Dudley Boyz

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Dean Rasmussen, Our Greatest Wrestling Writer, is Gone

Dean Rasmussen, a man whose wrestling writing was so perfect that literally any wrestling writer presently worth reading liberally stole from him, has passed. Without DEAN's passionate, insightful, real, hilarious, and bracing writing, I doubt that I would be writing about pro wrestling today. I discovered the Death Valley Driver Video Review while in college, when they released either the 2nd or 3rd 500. The DVDVR was my exposure to a deeper wrestling fandom, and it took my fandom to heights that have left my family and loved ones reeling in shame ever since. I've made too many sweet, patient, beautiful women in my life sit through pro wrestling matches in languages none of us spoke, and DVDVR is largely responsible for that deviance. 

I loved watching wrestling with my friends at school, but I was looking for something different from pro wrestling than they were. When I discovered the writing of DEAN, Phil, and Tom, it opened my eyes to the ways I had been trying to view wrestling but had been unable to express. My school friends didn't talk about punches, didn't talk about cool fat guys, didn't talk about the joy of seeing someone try to unsuccessfully shove away from a side headlock. The DVDVR Playboys did, and the more I read them, the more I knew I was home. These strangers watched wrestling the way I watched wrestling, and knew wrestling beyond what I had ever seen. Their opinions didn't always stick to canon, but the way they backed up those opinions showed that these men - if bullshit artists - knew exactly what they wanted from wrestling and could explain why they wanted it. Over the next decade, I would become friends with them, host loud radio shows with them, continue to enjoy their work, and be endlessly proud that they enjoyed mine. 

I'm never going to be as funny as Tom, and I'm never going to have the gifts of metaphor and memory like Phil, and I - surely none of us - will not ever be DEAN. Dean Rasmussen is the person who made me think that I could be good at writing about pro wrestling. Before reading his work, it was something that I had never even considered. I loved to write. I had a column in my high school newspaper (it was literally called Eric's World, a name that was not chosen by me), but outside of creative writing courses I had no kind of forum to do any actual writing that anyone would ever see. In college, on the internet, I found the community that would change my wrestling fandom forever and guarantee that it was not going to be just an unfortunate yet passing phase in my life. The passion and accessibility in DEAN's writing was so strong that it made me not just think I could write about wrestling, it made me want to write about wrestling. There was an easiness and everyman charm that was always present in his work, and he made it all look like so much fun. Too much fun. I've written about pro wrestling ever since I discovered DVDVR, ever since DEAN made me realize it was a thing that could be done. I became real friends with these people, which lead to Phil eventually asking me to be a part of Segunda Caida, and I haven't left this bed since. 

I'm a busy man. I am not independently wealthy. I don't know anyone who is. Every person I know has to work to fund the things they actually enjoy doing, because most of the people I know are not working the dream jobs we'd be working if we did not need money. I have a responsible career and write about wrestling as much as I can in my free time. I write about pro wrestling literally every day of my life, and that's a future I never expected. I read Dean Rasmussen's work in a college computer lab, talking about Dick Murdoch punching somebody in the face, and realized that a Million Billion stars was possible. But I wouldn't be writing about pro wrestling every day of my life if I didn't love doing so. I chase what I love. I am unafraid to fall in love. Because of Dean Rasmussen, I fell in love with writing about wrestling. 

DEAN mastered a longform craft effortlessly, but one of my favorite reviews of his was a succinct statement, on Akira Taue vs. Tommy Dreamer. To paraphrase: "This was the best Tommy Dreamer match and the worst Taue match." Let's watch that match, and remember the greatest. 

 

Akira Taue vs. Tommy Dreamer AJPW 1/19/95

ER: This was the month Tommy Dreamer spent in All Japan, which I bet was one of the greatest months of his life. Show me what a 20 minute Dreamer/Johnny Smith vs. Fantastics match looks like; tell me a man went to Kasugai with a camcorder to capture Dreamer/Stan Hansen vs. Abby/Kimala II. I don't know what other Dreamer All Japan footage exists, but TV cameras did capture Taue/Dreamer, and it is a weird/bad/cool match. It's a bizarre singles match that feels like something you'd only see if you were the kind of loser who would make ECW characters into Virtual Pro Wrestling 2 CAWs, and, heh, who among us could be that much of a loser.

Tommy Dreamer wears the exact same trunks as Taue and just what the fuck is he doing. Tommy Dreamer over here just bringing his emerald and silver raincoat on his winter months tour of Japan. I hope he works nothing but Baba spots in this match. 

Instead, Tommy Dreamer throws two ugly dropkicks. Taue sells one of them generously, and the other one appropriately. Tommy Dreamer throws the worst strike of the match after. It's bad enough to be the worst strike of a lot of people's matches. 

Tommy Dreamer is a stupid man and he is stupid enough to think he could hold Akira Taue in an abdominal stretch. Because of this miscalculation, Taue quickly throws him over and across his body, tosses him neck first onto the top rope, and proceeds to show how a man applies an abdominal stretch. Taue presses Dreamer's ear into his own thigh and looks like he is shouting directly down into his ear, like an older brother who is too old to be picking on his kid brother.  

Any time Tommy Dreamer leaves his feet it feels like he is looking directly into the eyes of God and mocking Him for His creations. His top rope splash might be the evidence we need to prove the absence of God. 

Akira Taue has one of the coolest powerslams ever, taking Dreamer up high and controlling the landing in a way that made him look strong in a way Dreamer couldn't have expected. Taue's standing lariat after only shows how easily Taue can shove Dreamer to the mat with one arm, and his chokeslam is literally the best chokeslam a man can throw. 

Dreamer looked worse than expected. Taue looked better than expected, and I always expect Taue to look great. DEAN was correct. Taue was slumming it. Taue had better things he could have been doing, just like I had better things I could have been doing, instead of catching up on Death Valley Driver issues in a computer lab during class. We don't know how we got here, and we don't know when we'll leave. We got the passing ships of Akira Taue and Tommy Dreamer, and some guy in Virginia wrote one sentence about it, and 25+ years later some other guy wrote about that guy writing about those ships. That's how this works. 

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ECW Crossing the Line Again 2/1/97

I've spent the last year (and will continue to spend this coming year) watching all of the 1997 WCW for my book. I've been spending other time in 1997, listening to music and watching movies released in the year, as well as watching other pro wrestling from the same period. If it happened in the year I learned to drive, then I am spending some time every day consuming it. I thought this 1997 ECW show was really choice, with an absolute classic first time ever meeting between Terry Funk and Tommy Rich, a killer Dr. Death/Raven match, heel Ricky Morton, a terrible Eliminators match that goes 20, etc. 

1. Lance Storm vs. Balls Mahoney

ER: Balls Mahoney would have made a really great Bluto, and he throws two nice punches (an overhand right and a long uppercut right) and also wastes Storm with a short arm clothesline. His Foley-esque bump over the ropes (where his head almost got wrapped in them but instead he tumbled hard to the floor) looked really great, and he leans into every piece of soft offense that Lance Storm threw at him. Storm never hits hard, ever, but he makes up for it a bit by throwing his whole body into attacks. His spinning heel kick and tope and top rope clothesline at least ended with his whole body crashing into Balls. His leaping back elbow and flying shoulderblock actually hit really well, and it felt like he was making harder contact with those moves the longer it went on, like he was learning to throw harder to knock this guy down. Was Balls Mahoney actually this good in 1997? It feels like he might be. Am I going to go on a Balls Mahoney rewatch? I already am. I wish Storm had sold Mahoney's piledriver longer, but Storm's top rope spinning heel kick helicoptered right into Mahoney's head so whatever. I liked this. 

2. Ricky Morton vs. Big Stevie Cool

ER: Ricky is wearing his red tasseled confederate flag tights with glittered flares and folks he looks incredible. The red tights are the brightest, perfect color of red, the stars and stripes cross perfectly diagonally past his knees. It's so pro wrestling and so trash 

Morton hits a low knee and a snappy headlock punch, and throws a missed clothesline with the best form. I love when Ricky fights like an asshole. Morton punches more when he's an asshole and Morton always uses his punches in cool ways. Here he broke a wristlock with a straight right and then missed a fast follow-up fistdrop. Morton is so much of an asshole here that he soccer dives knee up into Stevie's nuts, and then drives his knee into them on a snug inverted atomic drop. Stevie looked good taking Ricky's offense, and the Stevie Kick is a good finish, but I wish this got a chance to keep going where it was going. Instead it was Ricky looking like a switchblade asshole for 5 minutes and then Stevie quickly going home with a Jackknife and kick. Great look at how good 1997 Ricky Morton was. Who has the Ricky Morton FMW footage? 

3. Dr. Death Steve Williams vs. Axl Rotten

ER: This is a 2 minute match, and when you hear that you probably assume it's going to be Dr. Death killing Rotten with a couple big slams and a neck breaking suplex or two. It got to that, but before that we got to see Dr. Death take a nice bump into the turnbuckles and sells Rotten's decent strikes, and then we get to see Doc punch Rotten right in the face and throw him with a backdrop driver. 

4. Dr. Death Steve Williams vs. Raven

ER: Man they go right at it and it is great. Doc continues throwing stiff jabs and then takes a sicko bump running full speed face first into the top turnbuckle on a missed charge. This man has a well paying All Japan gig and he's in Philadelphia taking unprotected chairshots and hitting a gusher. Dr. Death's sweat soaked shag is one of the great haircuts in wrestling history, and it swings over his face as he rolls off a table, just before Raven crashes through it off the top. Doc cashes in the receipt on those chairshots and Raven hits a far great gusher. Raven was an incredible bleeder and needs to be talked about more as such. He's one of our great bleeders. Dr. Death does get to throw Raven around, hitting a high powerslam and German suplex, and there's a great fight over a top rope suplex that ends in a sick snap Raven superplex. The bWo involvement is used well, as most of them are just crash pads for Doc to press slam Raven through. While Raven writhes around with Hollywood Nova, there's a perfectly done showdown between Dr. Death and Stevie. Dr. Death keeps taking Stevie Kicks and getting up for more, and you kept waiting for it to lead to Stevie getting snapped in two with a backdrop driver. When Doc caught a kick, you knew you were about to see a man die, so I dug that Stevie instead spun out of it and busted him in the chops with a great Stevie Kick. It was a really great sequence and both played up their characters perfectly, Stevie tuning up that band like a maniac and Doc knowing exactly what to sell and not sell. Williams was a really good bumper and good at taking offense, and Raven's DDT looked like it would finish a guy like Dr. Death after those three kicks. 

5. The Sandman vs. D-Von Dudley 

ER: There are too many great shots of Sandman's entrance here to count. His forehead his bleeding when he comes through the curtains, hair slicked back, dangerous eyes. You'd avoid this man in literally any public space you saw him in. And yet, carrying a beer with a cigarette hanging from his lip, he looks like undoubtedly one of the coolest dirtbags in history. D-Von Dudley had great punches in this match, because he just threw several potatoes at Sandman's pre-existing cut, giving every side of the ring a close up look at his knuckles hitting Sandman's crown. Sandman's offense has this artless Drunken Master flow to it. All of it looks like it would hurt, and a lot of it is among the ugliest version of that move you've ever seen. It's beautiful. The whole match jumps up a level when Sandman suplexes a table edge first into D-Von's leg and fucking ends him with the most drunk dead accurate Philadelphia Jam with a chair on D-Von's face. It's 5 minutes and goes out on a high pitch, segueing into a strong post-match. D-Von joins up with Bubba and they mess up Spike with what I assume is the first ever 3D, but New Jack comes out and wreaks havoc. Bubba smooshes him with a perfect blindside avalanche, Bubba takes a Flair Flop face first on an open chair, New Jack drops D-Von mouth first on an open chair and then makes the most charming little smile to the camera. Simple, hot segment that made a ton out of like 8 total minutes. 

6. The Eliminators vs. Rob Van Dam/Sabu 

I'm just going to assume that everybody had the exact same Eliminators experience that I did: we were all in our late teens when we traded for a 4 hour Eliminators comp, and then after watching about an hour of the Eliminators comp we all pretty much realized exactly what the Eliminators were and had no desire to watch any more. This match was 20 minutes long, and felt longer. The Eliminators can do cool things but they are cold in there, and the crowd reacts coldly to them. Nobody makes a real effort to connect with the crowd, but running through flipping moves used to be enough to get some clapping at the Arena. They just do not care, and it takes RVD's energy to finally snap people awake. This was icy cold and disjointed with that silent crowd, but Van Dam came in with the energy of a guy whose party tricks always connect with any room. There's a confidence they respond to when he comes in, a response he gets by getting obliterated by a double spinning heel kick or folded in half when Saturn suddenly knows how to throw a slicing clothesline. Sabu hurls his body at men more and more as we creep to 20, landing that triple jump plancha three rows deep, falling on the back of his head when Saturn sweeps his legs off the top rope, missile dropkicking Saturn off a damn ladder, and it all peaks with some horridly constructed mess with a ladder set up on a table and Sabu whipping his shins into everything/everyone in sight. 

My favorite part was when Kronus sold a big Sabu top rope splash/RVD top rope Jam, by just standing up to his feet at the same time they did and throwing a stomach kick. Kronus has the mental energy of someone wandering their way through a battle royal who doesn't actually know he's in a battle royal. It's like he had no clue that he had just taken any kind of offense, and it's kind of amazing? He'll take a wild backdrop bump to the floor and almost land on his head doing a corkscrew senton, but there's no chance this man every thought for one second about what a quality match layout would look like. I did love them doing Total Elimination to a ladder that was holding both RVD and Sabu, with them hanging in the air before dropping straight to the mat when the ladder is swept away. It's a perfect overly complicated dumb ECW spot. 

7. Terry Funk vs. Tommy Rich

ER:  Tommy Rich everyone. While Terry Funk is being clapped on the back, as Joey Styles was going on and on about Funk's singles run to the World title as if he was a kid with progeria who was graciously going to be allowed to score a soccer goal, here's Tommy Rich looking like such a fat asshole in the ring. The fans call him a fat fuck, he looks like a goon asshole, the perfect heat magnet. Rich starts the match by storming clumsily into the crowd to get RIGHT into some dude's face, letting Terry Funk sneak up on him and start the fight. Getting distracted by some guy in a hockey jersey and letting your opponent find and fight you is so much interesting than two guys meeting in the ring and then walking each other into the crowd, and Funk just started throwing left hands that made Rich bleed more with each shot. Rich is a full on menace in this, just a disgusting looking stuck pig of a man stumbling through the ugliest people you've ever seen. He hits such a perfect messy bladejob, sending streams of red everywhere down his face while the parts of his face that are untouched by blood have a sick purple hue. 

Rich wrecks his body in a few ways that would have looked cool from any man, but look incredible from a big fat slob. A sweaty guy spilling over his tights running knee first into a guardrail just looks better, and it lead to Funk taking apart his knee in ways that would cripple younger, fitter men. It's one thing for Funk to not work his left hands at this point, but there has to be a way to work hitting a guy's knee with a chair. If there is, Terry pretends to not know about it, and just bashes the shit out of Tommy's knee, then kicks his hamstring all around ringside. It's fucking great. The whole time - and the whole match really - Rich is reveling in the You Fat Fuck chants, spitting blood out through a cartoon grin. He shoves some dude off him in the crowd and almost accidentally hits his small girlfriend, presumably the only woman in the entire arena. Rich grins the entire time, except for those times when he would get suddenly unstoppably angry, the way a real asshole would behave. 

The man is thirsty for DDTs and hungry for hate. DDTs for Funk, DDTs for Jim Molyneux; he slowly hitches up the front of his tights while making full eye contact with some creeps. Tommy Rich looks like absolute shit while he spits blood up into the air and bashes at Funk's knee, still grinning and acting like an asshole. They're two of the only guys who have ever made kneeling and fighting ever look good. Nobody makes the sitting-in-chairs-throwing-punches look good, it's tough as hell to make kneeling and punching look good, but this is great. The spinning toehold finish would have worked in most settings, but it felt beneath the rest of the match because everything else was so legitimately violent. But this is one of the greatest ECW matches of all time, hands down.  

8. Shane Douglas/Chris Candido/Brian Lee vs. Tommy Dreamer/The Pitbulls

ER: This starts really great and then eventually goes on too long. Probably didn't need nearly 20 minutes from these guys, turns out. But when Candido starts things by baseball sliding THROUGH Brian Lee's legs just to kick Dreamer in the nuts, that is a fucking hilarious way to start things. The crowd brawl and bullshit in this was really good. The match settling into an actual match was fine, but the bullshit kept it high. Pitbull 2 took a lot of gnarly shots to the head while standing right next to the smelliest fans, then came roaring back into the ring throwing just as hard punches at Douglas. They bring a guardrail into the ring and do a bunch of great stuff with it. Candido gets thrown into it and springs off it straight a back elbow that bounces him over the top rope like a volleyball. Douglas gets tossed through the guardrail and then press slammed onto the busted railing. Holy shit. These guys taking some dumb bumps out here and it rules. 

As his contract states, Dreamer is dropped crotch first on a guardrail, just railing his balls the exact way he demands in every single match. Dreamer takes a lot of abuse in this. Douglas really drops him with vertical suplexes, with a big one through two chairs. Candido gets rocket launched onto Dreamer and does that thing where he bounces right up to his feet on the recoil. Pitbull 2 is bleeding real good and getting hanged with his own chain, and really this whole thing just gets derailed by the Rick Rude involvement. The one good thing - and it is an admittedly pretty big great thing - is that Rude comes out in a mask wearing a patchwork denim on denim pantsuit like something Richard Pryor would have owned. I'm stunned that he didn't also have a big floppy hat adorned with beer cap toppers. Rude looks walks out wearing a ensemble too garish for a Vince McMahon 1991 Prime Time Wrestling segment, and a man wearing this outfit in 1997 is far more shocking than any of the ways ECW tried to be shocking on any given show. I remember what people wore in 1997, and nobody was dressing like a pimp from a Fred Williamson movie. I don't know what Rude's involvement was supposed to be in ECW, but everyone in the ring hitting shitty Rude Awakenings seems like a lame way to peak this. 

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Heel Tommy Dreamer: It's a Gag!

Tommy Dreamer/Mike Awesome vs. X-Pac/Albert WWF Metal 10/27/01

ER: This was only a technical heel performance from Dreamer, because nobody was going to be booed opposite X-Pac at this point. Living through X-Pac Heat was a really weird time. I'm not sure what other situations are comparable to it. He'd been a very popular babyface for a long time, and was then a popular babyface who acted like a heel, and at a certain point people just got loudly tired of him. The Uncle Kracker theme didn't help matters. But X Factor are clearly supposed to be the faces in this match, and it's worked with them as the faces, only the crowd didn't react to it that way. In fact, Mike Awesome got the biggest cheers of the match, any time he would do damage to X-Pac. Dreamer doesn't work as an overt heel, but he has one quality in his heel work that isn't around his babyface work: he staggers and stooges amusingly into position for offense. There are a couple of instances of this here, with the best being he and Awesome missing a double clothesline on Albert. Watch how Dreamer misses versus how Awesome misses. They both whiff, and Awesome just turns around and waits for Albert to bounce back off the ropes to level them both. But Dreamer whiffs, then acts like the motion threw his whole balance off, staggering into place to fill the perfect amount of time before getting leveled by Albert. Dreamer is a real satisfying heel bumper, as he's a good bumper in general for a man his size, but it's better utilized bumping for a big babyface Albert comeback. Dreamer was good from the apron, too, loved him nailing X-Pac with a knee to slow him down for Awesome, and Awesome's top rope clothesline looks great leveling X-Pac. This was a short, tidy, but fun match, and Dreamer makes the Baldo Bomb look crushing.

One Year Immunity Battle Royal WWF Survivor Series 11/18/01

ER: Rock solid battle royal regardless of how stupid the stipulation and the Invasion was. Bradshaw was a real beast, potatoing anyone close to him from WCW or ECW (as I typed that sentence it didn't really sound that surprising) and we got a lot of big spills on eliminations. All you really want from a battle royal is some surprisingly stiff shots, a couple of guys taking death wish elimination bumps, and no lying around. This ticked those boxes, was worked quick (only flaw might have been this needing a couple more minutes to space out eliminations), and had a nice extended run once they got to the final 4 (and I loved that the final 4 was Bradshaw, Billy Gunn, Test, and Lance Storm of all people). It started with a perfect moment: Shawn Stasiak being the first to charge into action, getting backdropped to elimination as the match started. The eliminations were strong, like Bradshaw hitting big lariats to send guys out, Tazz eliminating Crash and Tommy Dreamer while Dreamer was powerbombing Crash, Bradshaw throwing out Kidman with a fallaway slam, just a bunch of guys smacking the ground hard. We also get the great battle royal joy of noticing guys who were in between gear, like Stevie Richards wearing black slacks and a black t-shirt, post Right To Censor/pre-Anything Else. Test wins this thing, but what he sadly doesn't know is that the winner of this specific battle royal gets a) immunity from being fired for one year, but also b) a death sentence within the decade. They did not tell that to Test before the battle royal, he found out after. Also, Crash's death was not related to the battle royal, only Test's was.

COMPLETE AND ACCURATE HEEL TOMMY DREAMER

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Heel Tommy Dreamer: It's a Joke!

Tommy Dreamer vs. Hardcore Holly WWF Metal 9/15/01

ER: This was a bunch of stiff violence packed into about 3 minutes, and seeing a match like this makes it clear that Bob Holly is the guy that should have been sent to ECW instead of Aldo Montoya. If Holly came into ECW in 1997 with the same attitude he was carrying to 2001 late night syndicated WWF TV matches, he would have been huge. Bob Holly in 1997 ECW would have been like Jon Moxley on AEW TV now. Dreamer is the heel AND larger, but Holly somehow comes off meaner and stronger while also connecting with the crowd as a babyface. Dreamer goes for a cheapshot and gets his ass handed to him for it, with Holly swinging his full arms as hard as he could to smack Dreamer across the back and face. Dreamer even takes a vertical suplex on the floor after just trying to get away from Holly. Holly is this amusing combination of ugly strikes that clearly land hard, and he works a quick aggressive pace different than the quick paced matches now. Holly fills voids with kicks and punches and maximizes time. Dreamer gets a couple bits of nice offense (a heavy backbreaker and a Russian legsweep he really yanked Holly into), but this was mostly just beating Dreamer's ass. Dreamer misses that Naniwa elbow and Holly commences with hard bodyslams, clotheslines, and a gorgeous dropkick under the chin (gorgeous and pinpoint even in comparison to Holly's typical dropkick). The finish is a super smart way to work into the Alabama Slam, with Dreamer getting a small opening and trying to hit a piledriver, only for Holly to effortlessly stand up and plant him dead center. I wasn't expecting Holly to be such a tsunami in this, as it came off like the kind of match you see someone lose on their way to being out of the company. 

Tommy Dreamer/Chuck Palumbo vs. Taka Michinoku/Funaki WWF Metal 9/29/01

ER: This was the kind of match that made Metal my favorite weekly show around this era. It's incredibly fun, and worked with far more originality that I'd expect a similar tag to be worked in 2021. Taka and Funaki evade Palumbo with their speed, then start working over Dreamer's arm, even hitting a nice tandem vertical suplex on him. Dreamer and Palumbo are good at plausibly selling for their much smaller opponents, never making it seem ridiculous that Kaientai are keeping them on the ropes. Dreamer is nice and vindictive when they gain control, as he starts punishing Funaki for working over his arm by working over Funaki's arm! I haven't really seem something like that, where one guy takes arm wringers and axe handles to the shoulder, then when he gets his chance starts doing the same thing. "You remember this? How do YOU like it?" Dreamer hits a bodyslam with Funaki's arm pinned behind his back, throws him into the ringpost, not planning on working the arm over for the finish, just punishing Funaki for insolence. 

The Kaientai comeback was really good, and Dreamer's timing really made it click. Funaki hit a really awesome reverse DDT, swinging into the position after Dreamer got him in a fireman's carry. It was a super slick reversal, someone needs to steal that. Taka is a great house of fire, nailing Palumbo with uppercuts, and I loved his cool running knee into the corner on Palumbo, flipping over the apron and nailing Dreamer with a springboard spinning heel kick. Dreamer gets knocked to the floor while Funaki holds Palumbo in a camel clutch while Taka slaps him, hits a baseball slide on Dreamer (as he's trying to get back into the ring from the floor), then runs back and dropkicks Palumbo in the face. Funaki goes for a pescado on Dreamer, who dodges and sends Funaki crashing to the floor, only to get kicked off the apron by Taka when he again tries to get into the ring. Dreamer takes a great bump onto the apron to the floor, but Taka kicking Dreamer distracts him just enough for Palumbo to lay him out with his excellent superkick. Palumbo angrily sells his nose and face during the whole pin, still smarting from Taka's dropkick. This match was a super smooth, super smart way of getting from A to B to C, and a style totally absent from WWE TV today.

COMPLETE AND ACCURATE HEEL TOMMY DREAMER

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Heel Tommy Dreamer: Obviously, Somebody Took Offense To It

Tommy Dreamer vs. Scotty 2 Hotty WWF Metal 9/1/01

ER: Tommy Dreamer might have been trying to hit Kurt Angle with his car, or, he was merely pulling into a parking space. This is the technical beginning of Heel Tommy Dreamer, although no turn was yet official. He would have been the default heel here as the crowd was not going to be booing Scotty 2 Hotty, but he does a great turn at the end of the match anyway. Dreamer is good at missing offense to set up Scotty's, and he gets crotched TWICE. There is nothing Tommy Dreamer loves more than being dropped balls first onto a guardrail or rope or turnbuckle, and here he gets swollen balls from the ringside barricade AND top turnbuckle! Dreamer is aggressive and keeps missing until he hits, rolling to the floor off a superkick and then taking a hard bump to the floor after getting crotched on the barricade. But he's got great right hands that he throws from a far back wind up, elevating his punches by landing them from a reared back slot. I liked 2001 Dreamer's moveset a lot: nice neckbreaker, a great Sky High that gets set up like a spinebuster, great missed elbow bump off a Naniwa elbow. 

The best part of the match is the official Dreamer heel turn, because it's so logical and makes so much sense, and is just so easy. Dreamer gets crotched on the top buckle, staggers down to his feet, and as Scotty runs the ropes to set up the bulldog that sets up the Worm...Dreamer merely ducks. Dreamer ducks, then just spikes Scotty with a DDT. The fans absolutely hate it. The crowd noise that started with buzzed excitement as they saw Scotty setting up the Worm, that transitions to hate-filled boos as Dreamer dodges the Worm and then mocks them for loving the Worm, is sublime. Dreamer does a fantastic impression of how stupid Scotty looks when he's about to do the Worm, does the shittiest/perfect one legged hops, and while doing those hops Scotty gets up and plants him with the Bulldog. Even better, is that when Scotty does hit the Worm, he immediately finishes off Dreamer with a springboard DDT that I don't remember him regularly using. I appreciate when guys try to put unique twists on played out spots, and this was a great version of that. 

Tommy Dreamer vs. Tajiri WWF Heat 9/9/01

ER: A cool 4 minute match with a surprising, earned Tajiri win. This was an unexplored ECW TV bout, but we have a ton of fancam singles matches. This is their only WWF match, and it was a tight version of their ECW house show feud. Dreamer controls and bullies Tajiri around, and I have no real memory of any hierarchies during the short Invasion window so I have no clue where either of these guys ranked in comparison to each other. Tajiri was with Torrie Wilson, Dreamer had new pants with a barbed wire design down the leg. Who's to say. Dreamer works a cool bearhug where he lowers Tajiri's shoulders to the mat for a pinfall, Tajiri tries to pull a can opener, then get a guillotine, then just opts to bite Dreamer's nose to escape. As Dreamer is stumbling around holding his nose, screaming like a man who chose the worst possible time to tell a distasteful joke about Tongans, Tajiri flattens him with the most perfect crescent kick. Tajiri gets spiked nicely on a DDT, and the crowd got into Tajiri snapping and just hauling off on Dreamer with a flurry of punches and kicks. Dreamer jaws with leather pants Torrie Wilson and gets kicked in his hamstring for it, dropping his head enough to eat a buzzsaw right. They were 4-4 in their ECW singles matches, so Tajiri goes up in the corporate rubber match. 

COMPLETE AND ACCURATE HEEL TOMMY DREAMER

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Mini Complete and Accurate: Heel Tommy Dreamer

Until very recently, Tommy Dreamer had one of the longest babyface runs in pro wrestling. There aren't many mainstream wrestlers in history who have worked heel less than Tommy Dreamer. When I think of guys who had long careers in the spotlight as babyfaces, I think Tito Santana and Ricky Steamboat. But if you look through Dreamer's improbably long career on television, there was really only a 2-3 month stretch where he worked heel: It was after WWF gobbled up WCW and ECW, leading up to Invasion. That was when he still had a bald spot, before the two ponytails. Let's look at consummate everyman babyface Tommy Dreamer, as a heel, and maybe it will help us adjust to the next stage of his career. 


Tommy Dreamer vs. Scotty 2 Hotty WWF Metal 9/1/01

Tommy Dreamer vs. Tajiri WWF Sunday Night Heat 9/9/01

Tommy Dreamer vs. Hardcore Holly WWF Metal 9/15/01

Tommy Dreamer/Chuck Palumbo vs. Taka Michinoku/Funaki WWF Metal 9/29/01 

Tommy Dreamer/Mike Awesome vs. X-Pac/Albert WWF Metal 10/27/01

One Year Immunity Battle Royal WWF Survivor Series 11/18/01

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WWECW 10/30/07

Elijah Burke vs. Jimmy Wang Yang

ER: I don't remember the Yang ECW run, but he's a fun big bumping ECW archetype, and here he dies with a great spill from the apron to the post onto the stairs and into the barricade, and a later shoulder first bump into the ringpost that sets up Burke's great double knees finish. His offense was mostly defensive, like when he hit a hooking spin kick to knock Burke out of the air (replays show Burke jumping face first into boot). But I dig the way Burke moves, like a kind of proto Velveteen Dream, a lot of flair to even the simplest things. Burke works chinlocks and other grounded holds with nice energy, bends Yang's elbow, drops a knee on his triceps, does some nice glancing stomps to Yang's face, and bigger things like a cool shoulderbreaker and an even cooler diving elbow to Yang's back. This was fun, if inconsequential.

Nunzio vs. Tommy Dreamer

ER: This is billed as a Trick or Treat match, with Nunzio dressed as Count Dracula and Dreamer doing a spot on Paul E. Dangerously impression. At least there wasn't a situation where Dreamer has no said in interview that he was going to bumrush a WWE event to murder Paul Heyman and then blow his own brains out live at a PPV. I'm sure Dreamer's accurate and public Paul Heyman costume has nothing whatsoever to do with Dreamer wanting to share Paul Heyman's skin. A Trick or Treat match is apparently two men dressed in good Halloween costumes, hitting each other with items that you would find at a Peanuts Halloween party. There is a table with pies (nothing but pumpkin, it would seem) and an apple bobbing station. There isn't a ton to it once you get past the costumes, but Nunzio bumps around way more than he should have in a stips match designed to be immediately forgotten. He takes a great running banana peel slip bump on the floor, slipping in reddi-wip that Dreamer had already sprayed, then getting the apple bobbing bucket kicked into his face before spiking himself for Dreamer's DDT.

The Miz vs. John Morrison

ER: This is like the last match up I'm interested in seeing from this old WWECW, so the fact this is a #1 contender's match means they're both lingering around the title picture. This is not the kind of wrestling I am nostalgic for. This is the worst elements of 2007 Edge offense combined with the worst elements of 2020 Athleticism Wrestling. They nearly win me over at least two times: Once, when Miz throws three hooking left hands - the first an excellent worked punch - in a better way than he throws that similar punch now. Here he was making it look like a punch; now, he makes sure to make it look like he's throwing a fake punch. That weird bloated theatricality is a thing that keeps me from buying into any Miz hype today. These punches were a good thing, that he should still be doing. The second way they almost got me was a cool sequence with the two fighting in and around the ropes and the apron, stuff they gave a little struggle to, ending with Miz kicking Morrison into the barricade with both legs. But their tendencies always butt their way in and take me back out of things. Mix bunny hops into a hotshot like a goober, there's silly Edge offense where one guy grabs an arm and the other guy falls onto his face, and a general "we learned wrestling from Matt Sydal trainees" vibe.

CM Punk vs. James Curtis

ER: James Curtis is the last name used by KC James, one of those 2000s Smackdown workers I liked, the kind that would show up for 6 months and then never be heard from again. There were a lot of those guys during the 2000s who either worked like or were Cornette fed trainees, and they always stood out as "not quite WWE style" just enough to make me like them and also make sure none of them went anywhere. He's the kind of guy who can throw a nice corner clothesline and a good shoulderblock, who wrestles like a cross between Tim Horner and Kendall Windham. This was a quick Punk showcase, just 90 seconds, and Curtis is a good guy to have a showcase opposite. Punk during his WWECW run was such a pastiche of the worst parts of indy wrestling: Virtual Pro Wrestling 2 puro move aping with sloppy movement. It's weird seeing a guy do Kawada forehead kicks somewhat well on WWE TV, but it's a thing that I sure hated as it continued spreading over the indies. Punk at least keeps his floor high by keeping things like the running headlock bulldog as a presence on TV, when most had switched to the awful hand on back of head method. The match is good for 90 seconds, and Morrison (winner of the earlier #1 contender match) lays Punk right on out with a diving forearm to the back of the head while Punk was still pinning Curtis. It was the coolest offense Morrison threw on this episode, and if there was going to be just one well he picked a good time for it.

Monster Mash Battle Royal: Great Khali vs. Mark Henry vs. Big Daddy V vs. Kane - FUN

ER: What a concept! Throw your 4 biggest goons into the ring at the same time on your Halloween episode, one giant Monster Squad all turning on each other. It's great. It's a great visual to get 4 mammoth guys in there all at the same time, total no brainer booking move. V and Henry crash into each other, Kane throws a potato shot to V's cheek, V misses a big charge into the corner and then takes a big bump to the floor. Khali takes his own impressive bump over the top, and we get a quick violent Mark Henry/Kane interaction: Henry lifts Kane up and flings him over the top! Kane getting manhandled usually isn't a thing that happens in a match, so Henry definitively chucking him to the floor was a great finish. There was a little messiness, V drops Kane on his big spinning slam, and the whole match barely goes 4 minutes. These 4 together is such an impossibly rare treat that I needed twice as much time with them crashing into each other, but what we get is giants gold.


COMPLETE AND ACCURATE WWECW


COMPLETE AND ACCURATE WWF 305 LIVE

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C.W. Anderson: Man Who Doesn't Always Quit

C.W. Anderson has been a favorite of mine since ECW, and recently I thought his promo work with Ric Converse was his career best, and all used to build up a Career vs. Title I Quit match. The match totally delivered the goods (here's our review and a link to that match), and I loved how CW treated the I Quit stipulation as something he had never gotten over, as something that has haunted him for 15+ years. I haven't watched the Anderson/Dreamer I Quit match since it originally aired on the final ECW PPV, so I thought it would be fun to revisit. In doing so, I found that Anderson had worked a couple other I Quit matches since that first one (including a couple against Dreamer, which I sadly could not find), so of course I will be checking those out as well.


C.W. Anderson vs. Tommy Dreamer  ECW Guilty As Charged 1/7/01

ER: Boy, going back and watching this with 2018 eyes and I'm really happy that I willingly and proudly associated myself with ECW fans. I can't think of too many places that have gathered 2500 more undesirable people into one building. It's truly the trump rally of wrestling crowds. As they panned the crowd I get expecting to see a black man dressed like he was ready for a soft shoe routine to come out and yell "GET OUT!" to any women in attendance. But the match is good! CW is great in brawls and really put over everything Dreamer tried, got big height on a Sky High, though weirdly was able to use a rope break when Dreamer had him in a Boston Crab. Wait you can use weapons and gouge someone's eyes out to get them to say I Quit, but a rope break is still the rule of the land? You could use the ropes to choke someone and get them to say I Quit. This makes no sense. 

But the stuff on the floor is good, Dreamer kicking CW's arm in a chair, setting the ring bell against CW's head and hitting it with a wrench, and CW comes up bleeding. But I will say that I must not be a true ECW fan, because I don't remember Towel Boy. Was Towel Boy some skinny indy worker that found a gig as a guy taking bumps? I remember Dick Hertz but don't have any memory of Towel Boy. But Towel Boy attacks Anderson with Christmas wrapped cookie sheets so CW hits a huge delay superplex on Towel Boy. You know, Towel Boy. Towel Boy also brought Dreamer a roll of razor wire, and I get my wish when CW gives Dreamer a spinebuster on the razor wire. Dreamer also takes a suplex through two set up chairs which is hell on the kidneys. But Dreamer hits a big Death Valley Driver off the middle rope through a table, and the table explodes in a pretty spectacular way. Dreamer gets him to quit by wrapping the table banding around his eyes and tightening it. I had pretty much only remembered the finish, so the rest of the match was a treat. It wasn't as good as I remembered it, but it had blood and some good violence, a ton of scuzzy meathead fans, and built nicely. Good match.


C.W. Anderson vs. Dewey Cheatum  SCW 5/30/02

ER: I'm not sure what events happened that made it necessary to have an I Quit match, but I'm glad those events happened. Dewey Cheatum was a fun early 2000s Carolina guy with some of the absolutely worst indy wrestling fashion. He looks like Ken Rosenthal filming a parody of a 1999 Mountain Dew commercial. He's wearing baggy red parachute pants, a red mesh tank top, and one of those printed button ups that seem to be exclusively worn by fat gamers or guys who play Warhammer at comic book shops. It was the only button up a mother could get her teen son to wear to family dinner night at Outback after she peeled him away from a 13 hour marathon World of Warcraft sesh. And CW punishes him for that outfit. Cheatum is a guy with decent punches and some nice bumps, and shows here that he will bleed in a match. Anderson was never in a ton of danger, as whenever Cheatum would get any headway he would be cut off shortly after by Anderson. Anderson is a great bully, and he punches and elbows and slaps Cheatum around the ring and ringside, runs him balls first into the ringpost, grates his face over the turnbuckle bolt, and finds a hunk of sharp metal on the floor (that the guy filming adeptly zooms in on, making up for him earlier filming a nice strike exchange while being blocked by the referee's track pants) that surely won't come into play later. Cheatum fights back and throws nice punches to the mid section, but gets folded by a super quick snap German suplex. Even him setting up a superkick out of the corner gets cut off by a surely more brutal Anderson superkick. Cheatum eats chairshots and jabs a piece of bleeding metal into Cheatum's head to get the I Quit. Anderson crushes the ref with a spinebuster after the match, probably for wearing track pants.


C.W. Anderson/Jack Victory/Bar Room Brawler/David Young/Guillotine LeGrande/Ronnie Stevens vs. Dusty Rhodes/Homicide/Iceberg/Becky Bayless/J-Train/Louie Ramos  ROH Epic Encounter 4/12/03

ER: Well this was flat out great. Total chaos, tons of blood, someone who may have never wrestled before or after, giant fat dudes, small slender ladies, random one off ROH appearances by some, just a whirlwind of violence. We get some MVP performances from CW, Jack Victory, and Iceberg but really everyone adds to this as best they can. Jack Victory looks completely unathletic (and usually wrestles like that) but is a monster here pairing off and warring with Homicide, smashing through a table like the Incredible Hulk to use pieces of it as a weapon, getting launched through that table by Homicide (who then jumps on the table with Victory underneath), later he acts like a real thug and holds Becky Bayless by the hair so Ronnie Stevens/Simply Luscious can smack her, and quits for his team after getting his face and mouth forked and spiked by Homicide. This was my favorite Jack Victory performance. 

CW is expectedly great, always awesome in a brawl, has probably the best punch exchange of the match (with Homicide), smashes him with the spinebuster, and is the biggest stooge for Dusty (even taking a kick right between the uprights). Iceberg was mountainous and was not only the largest man in the match (by far) but took the craziest bumps (big drop toehold into steps on the floor, taking a nutty German suplex from David Young) and flattens Young with a BIG splash. Dusty is fun, tricks everybody by sending a fake Dusty out as the Midnight Rider (who the heck was this guy, he was taller and larger than anyone in the match other than Iceberg) and then sneaks in while the rider is miming Dusty elbows on the apron. Guillotine LeGrande is stiffing people, some juiced doof named Bar Room Brawler comes in throwing accidental stiff shots like someone who took a one day Power Plant seminar, J-Train (the future Julius Smokes) does a crazy dropkick off the apron and splats on the floor, the whole thing is just great. It was preceded by a 40 minute London/Danielson match that I'm sure is awesome, but at this point in my life I can't imagine enjoying it more than the slab of bloody sleaze that followed it.

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CWF Mid-Atlantic Worldwide Episode 112

Episode 112

1. Zane & Dave Dawson vs. Tommy Dreamer/Nick Richards

ER: Man this stunk. Everybody looked completely sluggish and every strike landed short or light. Add to that a bunk finish and poorly done interference by a new manager, and this added up to a real poop sandwich. Dawsons get put over on commentary as huge guys with crushing offense, but then you see them throw weak clotheslines and pillow soft avalanches and light stomps and it's all a mirage. Dreamer looked flat out bad, fully going through the motions and not caring what any of his offense looked like. His punches looked atrocious and everything he did was just so damn slow. I normally like Richards' odd strikes but here he must have drank the same water as everyone else. At one point he throws some chops that, well, if they hurt, maybe they just didn't read well on camera. Dawsons had a manager I'd never seen named Clayton, and it seems like he was always out of position. Finish was a real stinker, with Dreamer/Richards getting the win and Clayton getting Dave's foot on the ropes late. Ref awards new champs the belts, then long after the pin he notices the boot on the rope, so restarts the match. I hate things that make refs look like total buffoons. For all he knew that boot could have been put on the ropes 30 seconds after the bell. So the match gets restarted and a weak as hell lariat to Dreamer immediately ends it. This threatened to get compelling in the middle when Dave Dawson was working over Richards, but there was just too much bad almost the whole way through. Post match the fans chant Thank You Dreamer like it was his last match...And of course we end with a Dreamer "boys in the back" promo. Yuck, all of it.

PAS: I thought this was fine. Dreamer has learned to work a match around shtick and two bumps. I am a guy who saw plenty of no knee pads Buddy Landell indy matches in the 90s and have no problem with Dreamer winding down his career as no knee pads Nature Boy. I am amused at Dreamer doing Dusty spots as Dusty was one of those guys ECW was rebelling against, kind of like all of those ex-Hippies voting for Reagan. I also thought Dreamer did a really nice job at selling surprise when it looked like he won the belts, he had this facial expression like "I didn't think I had it in me anymore" Sure not much of the actually wrestling looked particularly good, but it very much served it's purpose.

ER: I oppose DACA: Dreamer As Cody's Antecedent

2. Trevor Lee vs. Michael Elgin

ER: Feel like I'm going to end up being the low vote on this one. It really did not work for me. Elgin works his boss monster style where he can't be killed by conventional wrestling moves, except for those convenient moments where he suddenly needs to sell for an extended period. Lee also works these long matches with him getting a second wind, and then a third wind, and then his tank is on empty and he gets a fourth wind. It's not usually going to be my favorite kind of match, as it's really tough to build something with multiple peaks. The first match peak is almost always the best, and the more you try to fit in the more tiring it gets to keep peaking the viewer. I think they relied on the apron for drama far too often, and after awhile I just got numb. Both guys are impressive as hell and always break out stellar athletic feats, but these feats, in this order, did nothing for me. I didn't end up buying Elgin going down the way he did, and the moves that did put him down weren't effective for me (the overuse of punts to put him down seem like it came way early, as he still had to power through a lot of things later). Again, some things were impressive as hell, Elgin's falcon arrow pulling Lee up and into the ring, Lee's sell towards the end where he takes a shot, goes to return it and collapses forward in a heap; stuff like that worked for me in isolation. I just didn't like the match they were attached to. And the guys got to the end at different times, as I think Elgin came off way too fresh for the finish to work, and Lee came off way too dead for the finish to work.

PAS: I actually liked the finish here, as it was Elgin pummeling Lee with huge shots, talking shit to him about losing in his home arena, and Lee pulling off a tricky inside cradle to steal the win against an over confident monster. I do agree with Eric that it took too long and Lee took too much for it to work totally for me. I am just so numb to matches where the story is "how much can each man take", and lots of spots like the opening forearm exchange felt totally trite. I would have rather this been a quickish sprint with the same ending, but the fact that Elgin did 10 killer finishers for two counts in the middle of the match, really hurt his killer finishers at the end of the match.

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Reigns vs. Braun: A Match History, Part II

5. Braun Strowman/Bray Wyatt/Erick Rowan vs. Roman Reigns/Dean Ambrose/Seth Rollins (Raw 10/19/15)

ER: If I had to choose one word to describe this match, I would choose "sluggish". It was 10 minutes, but really draggggged. This continues the trend of Braun hardly getting involved in matches, as he did nothing in the match for the first 8 minutes, and by the end did no actual moves. He pulled Roman down off the apron, threw Ambrose to the floor, then got Roman into a choke. I really liked how he looked before this, so I'm unsure why they suddenly had him stop working. This was mostly Ambrose working Bray, playing FIP, leading to Rollins leaving with a fake knee injury. Dean was on fire the first minute of this, but just a few minutes in was already airmailing punches a foot past Rowan's head. When Bray locking on a grounded side headlock is the most interesting part of the match, you just move on with your life, admitting to yourself and your family that you chose the dumbest fucking hobby.

6. Braun Strowman/Bray Wyatt vs. Roman Reigns/Dean Ambrose (WWE House Show 10/31/15)

ER: Really fun No DQ house show match. There's tons of loud kids in attendance which makes house shows the best (really the only life situation that loud excitable kids add to my enjoyment of something), just tons of kids screaming for Reigns and yelling at Wyatt. At one point Ambrose gets put through a table and then gets caught with sister Abigail off the rebound lariat. Reigns leaps in from the floor to save him at the last second, and one kid - not trying to start any kind of chant - just screams out "THIS IS AWESOME!!!" And it was pretty awesome. Braun worked slow methodical monster in this one, with some nice moments like standing on Ambrose's knee and ankle while soaking in the boos, then stomping on it. Bray introduced chairs and a kendo stick, all of which got used by everyone. Roman had a bunch of fun superman punches including a great one saving Dean from another sister Abigail. The whole match built to Braun getting speared through a table, which feels like a big spot on a house show. But this whole thing was fun, definitely sent people home happy.

7. 16 Man Elimination Tag: Braun/Wyatt/Harper/Rowan vs. Reigns/Ambrose/Usos vs. Rhyno/Dudleys/Dreamer vs. Sheamus/Rusev/Barrett/Del Rio (Raw 12/7/15)

ER: What kind of a weird mess of a match is this!? Tommy Dreamer was in WWE a year ago? They were actually collectively called Team ECW?! This is such a weird match. It was the opening segment on Raw, and starting Raw with a match is weird enough, but starting it with some sort of 1997 Gang Warz elimination match is even weirder. And then The Wyatts are the first team eliminated when Dreamer pins Rowan with a DDT. But this thing is a total cluster, a kind of fun cluster, but a total cluster. A member for each team is in the ring at all times, so there's bodies just constantly getting in the way of each other. Del Rio is oddly spirited in this, stiffing up Team ECW with these cool low yakuza kicks (like a yakuza kick, but thrown to a seated opponent) and taking a couple big bumps. Rusev sells way too much for everybody, the Dudleys do a bunch of old bad spots (I like when Bubba is unprofessionally stiffing people, not so much his "working a minor league baseball stadium" style), Usos work stiff as well with some nasty uppercuts, Reigns has a fun/silly segment where he does a superman punch to three different guys on the apron. Not all at once, but Wade Barrett would get on the apron, and get punched, then ADR would climb up on a different side of the ring, and get punched, and so on and so on. This match had over half a Royal Rumble worth of dudes, and it happened, because.

8. Braun/Wyatt/Harper/Rowan/Sheamus/Rusev/Barrett/Del Rio vs. Reigns/Ambrose/Ryback/Usos/Dudleys/Kane (Tribute to the Troops 12/8/15)

ER: A much, much, much better version of the 16 man match from the day before. We drop the elimination stip, make it 8 on 8, Kane and Ryback replace Dreamer and Rhyno, and everybody works pointlessly stiff for the least watched WWE TV special of the year. This isn't really a Roman/Braun show, as they only have one moment together (Roman superman punching him while he gets Kane in his standing side triangle) but it's a hot 10 minutes. Harper was a standout here, throwing beastly palm strikes and ambushing Ambrose with a great superkick, Kane throws his nice uppercuts and gets out of the way, Ryback is dressed like the most gassed Bushwhacker, I don't remember any moment where any League of Nation member is in the ring, and out of everybody that could have taken the pin, Luke Harper takes it. Also, the Dudleys are still around, and take up time in 2015 doing the Wazzup drop, and it occurs to me that at this point there are thousands of fans who have never see any of the Wazzup commercials, and only know this as a thing that the Dudleys do. The reference is so old, it has now become their own. It would be like a team in 2000 doing a Where's the Beef double team flapjack, with a crowd of children screaming Whhhheeerrrrreee's (as the guy went up for the flapjack) THE BEEF (when he hit the mat). It would be like someone considering retiring their Austin Powers catchphrase-based offense in 2012, but then taking it out for another spin. Though I do look forward to someone doing a Borat "My wiiiiiife" bronco buster in 2022.

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ECW One Night Stand 2005

Wow. This was 9 years ago. I guess without counting some of those weird 1997 Raws (also from Hammerstein) or that weird business where Tazz as ECW champion lost to HHH on Smackdown (which prompted some guy from back east to call into my college radio show at the time and rant about it for what felt like a very long 15 minutes), I think that most would agree that this is the first WWECW show. It's weird to think that this started a long, sad parade of ECW reunion nostalgia that is impossibly still being milked today on actual real television by a somewhat real wrestling company. I remember watching this show years ago when it came out on DVD, using the JBL commentary track which featured a drunk JBL throwing every ECW worker under the bus in hilarious fashion (and if you didn't think it was hilarious, maybe you would by the 8th time you heard one of his repeated jokes).

1. Lance Storm vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho is nerdily announced as "Lionheart" Chris Jericho, and is wearing his old tights and vest. Crowd is crazy hot for this, flipping out after an opening arm drag sequence. They also are so desperate to shit all over women that they immediately chant "She's a Crack Whore" at Dawn Marie, who decidedly looks nothing like a crack whore. Jericho levels Storm with a face high dropkick and this is starting really good actually. They're pretty good at working Storm ECW nostalgia spots (high dropkick, springboard back elbow from the turnbuckles) into the match with a more modern indy style worked in. Old ECW had a lot of exhibition style work, with guys doing their familiar spots without so much regard to segueing smoothly into those spots. One moment a guy would be taking offense, the next he'd be on his run of signature offense. Here Storm hits his long vertical suplex, but Jericho kicks his legs a bunch to try to reverse it, and when Storm runs up for his back elbow, Jericho dropkicks him on the way down. We do eventually merge back into classic exhibition style, and Storm's comebacks leave a lot to be desired here. His comebacks mainly just involve him standing up after taking moves, and then doing moves. Jericho plants him with a mean Tiger suplex and some nasty knees in the clinch, Storm just shrugs it off with a spinning heel kick. Jericho reverses a piledriver with a backdrop, Storm just pops up and hits a superkick. Jericho tries to glue this together, but Storm just wanted to hit all of his moves. He hit them all nicely, but his insistence on hitting all of his moves made the match mean less. Storm wins when Jason and Justin Credible interfere and Joey Styles hilariously starts using JR's Owen voice, talking about what a horrible shame it was that Storm had to win things that way, in what could possibly be his last match ever. Styles goes on for well over a minute. "Shame. Just a shame. Why did it have to be this way, Lance? You're better than this."

Pitbull Gary Wolfe gets a weird payday for showing up in full Pitbulls garb to introduce a tribute to the fallen stars of ECW, and shockingly there aren't too many at the time this show happened. I wish I knew what song originally played behind this package (since I assume most music has been changed for the Network airings) as I really want to hear some Sarah McLachlan playing while they show slow motion clips of Big Dick Dudley flexing through clenched teeth.

2. Tajiri vs. Little Guido vs. Super Crazy

FBI comes out to an instrumental loop of No Sleep Til Brooklyn, and Smothers is awesome waving the flag and doing all his weird Smothers mannerisms. This show needs more Smothers in the ring, but I'll settle for Smothers at ringside. Full props to Tommy Dreamer for managing to get JT Smith a WWE payday in 2005. Mick Foley is absolutely horrible on commentary here, playing up a folksy late career James Stewart persona. "Aw shucks Joey, they're going to be doing a lot of moves I've never seen here, but I-I-I I'll just try to keep up, best I can." Actually, now that I think about it, he may be just mimicking Terry Funk. Re-read that sentence in Funk voice. That adds up. That awful commentary is a running theme throughout the match (and the show) "you know I've known Tajiri for 11 years and he's just the nicest guy you could imagine". Kewl insight. This match is really fun for the first few minutes, as every single person at ringside (Sinister Minister, Mikey Whipwreck, Smothers, Smith, Tony Mamaluke, Big Guido) all interfere at some point in the match, but it's actually done in a way that's integrated perfectly into the match. Big Guido goes to powerbomb Tajiri, gets low blowed by Minister, Tajiri sprays mist at Little Guido, Smothers runs in with karate and gets leveled with a superkick, Mikey hits the big top rope Whipper Snapper on the misted Guido, all the while Mamaluke and Smith keep Crazy busy by sweeping his legs on a rope run and crotching him around the ring post. Interference doesn't usually add to the match but I can't think of a way to better integrate 9 people in one match within 1 minute. Match as a whole is fairly short, at barely 6 minutes, which had to disappoint most. Tajiri looked somewhat lost at points and was kinda awkward getting into position for his offense, but Crazy and Guido were on point. Guido did some of his big silly bumps, and Crazy's stuff looked good, hitting some big moonsaults with heft (including a wild one off the balcony) and nasty seated dropkicks. Still, too short to mean much. Also, I couldn't tell if it was two unfortunate tongue slips, or if Styles was throwing out hack racial humor, but two different times in the match he distinctly said "soo-prex" after Tajiri threw a suplex. The first one could have been an accident…but twice in the same match?

3. Rey Mysterio vs. Psicosis

I remember a lot of people being disappointed in this match at the time, but the match was perfectly fine. If this was on WorldWide it would definitely make a WCW B-Sides comp. Psicosis takes some nutty bumps as you hoped he would, doing an insane guillotine legdrop off the top to Mysterio (who was draped over the guardrail), doing his trademark missed corner attack that ends with him dumped on his head, and taking a nice Cassandro bump, wrapping himself around the post and flying into some ladies in the front row, which Mysterio follows up with an awesome Thesz press from the top into the crowd. Psicosis also draws boos by locking on a headlock. I didn't put on my good hockey jersey to go out and see Mexicans do rest holds!

Then we get JBL and Angle coming out to plenty of boos and chants, JBL stiffing Gertner with a mean shove and kick to the ass, and RVD coming out and cutting the best promo of his life. He had a knee injury and couldn't compete which was tearing him up inside since this show was something he worked years to make happen. I mean, I fast forwarded through some of his promo, but it was about the most life-affirming promo you can get if you were ever an ECW fan. RVD showed actual real passion and it was nice to see. Joey Styles threatens to ruin everything with his awfulness: "Gotta love a shoot promo on live TV!!" Ugh. And then Rhyno came in and absolutely folds RVD in half with a Gore. The lights go out and while everybody hopes for a return of Midnight, Joey dorkily starts going "we blew a generator! We lost power!" Which naturally leads us into...

4. Sabu vs. Rhyno

…which starts out awesomely, with Rhyno hitting a big belly to belly and going to the top rope (for reasons?) so that Sabu can just brain him with a chair. Rhyno takes a massive bump off the top and Sabu hits a sweet chair assisted springboard dive. The whole match was pretty crazy, and both guys complemented each other nicely. Sabu threw a bunch of great right hands, tossed chairs at Rhyno's face and hit all the spots you'd want to see Sabu hit. Rhyno was a monster, not only taking all of Sabu's stupidity, but dishing out a bunch of cool stuff you don't remember Rhyno doing. I remember he had a nice piledriver and he really spikes Sabu with it here, but he also does a cool running yakuza kick on Sabu, and leans way into all of Sabu's stuff (including a bunch of neat Sabu legdrops and springboard stuff). Sabu throws Pee Wee into the way of a Gore and he takes it like a man, almost bouncing his neck off the bottom rope. At this point RVD gets in the ring in real awkward length jorts (not baggy, but not ironically short, just that horrible relaxed fit/above the knee jort style), white socks and cross trainers, limping horribly on his bad knee. I have to assume his knee is absolutely wrecked, or else it's the only time he's ever consistently sold a body part in his career. He comes in and actually works spots with Rhyno, including nuttily skateboarding a chair right into Rhyno's face and setting up a table spot for Sabu. Sabu drops a chair through Rhyno and the table just explodes, and this whole thing was a great spectacle. Awesome stuff that I have to believe is the best possible match that could have happened .

Eric Bischoff and the Raw crew arrive, including future ECW superstar Gene Snitsky. Joey does uncomfortable and sad and just plain poorly delivered play by play as they walk to their seats. "There's Raw superstar Edge. I'm glad I didn't bring my wife tonight [long pause]. Because Edge is a wife stealer."

5. Chris Benoit vs. Eddie Guerrero

Well speaking of uncomfortable. Mick Foley immediately completely misreads the room "This is the match that never got to happen in ECW. The dream match that never happened because Bischoff lured both of them away. And now finally the fans get it and want to see nothing more" as the fans proceed to direct all of their attention to Edge in the balcony while chanting things about Lita being a whore for over half of the match. Seriously at any given screen shot about 2/3 of the crowd is turned totally away from the ring. Eddie is pro enough to get at least some of the fans to actually watch the match, and damn does he look great here. His mat exchanges are quick and powerful and he really snaps the fans into it by outstiffing Benoit on chops and grinding his boot over Benoit's face. Benoit bumps maniacally through the ropes to the floor on a missed charge and Eddie really seems pissed at the crowd. Mick and Joey really put over just how suicidal Benoit is after he does the diving headbutt, talking about his neck surgery and really putting over how he has a real death wish. Good grief. Thankfully they didn't point out the hanging vertical suplex he did earlier. Match ends fairly abruptly with Eddie tapping to the Crossface. Match was really weird. Eddie seemed genuinely pissed the whole match (and understandably so, if it was directed at the crowd), and purposely ground the match to a halt on a few occasions with chinlocks until the fans stopped chanting at Edge in the balcony. Things were short and didn't really flow, although Eddie looked really good and to a lesser extent so did Benoit. This is probably the most recent Eddie stuff I've seen since it originally aired (by recent I mean within 6 months of his passing) and his body is just shockingly freakish. He was freaking huge here and just looked like he had no flexibility whatsoever. Watching him take suplexes and bump was painful as it looked like he physically couldn't bend his spine or bend at the waist. I remember at the timing reading how riddled with injuries he was and how he needed time off, but damn 9 years of not rewatching him during that period really opened my eyes to just how bad off he looked.

6. Mike Awesome vs. Masato Tanaka

So this is a pretty famous match - I think - within the WWECW canon. People were pretty split down the middle on this one when it happened. Some thought it was incredible and that both men would be hired immediately by WWE, others thought it was a laughable collection of dangerous spots thrown together with no build-up that ensured neither man would *ever* be hired by WWE since they wouldn't want reckless workers like that on the roster. Both sides make sense. I certainly sided much closer to the latter at the time. The match has major flaws, and neither guy would have made sense in WWE as anything crazy they did in this match they would not be allowed to do in a WWE ring. JBL infamously mocked the match the whole time on commentary, repeatedly stating that Tanaka looked like his doorman, and after Tanaka had kicked out of several finishers started shouting at other people about what a badass doorman he had. But watching the match within the context of the show, within the context of the crowd, and keeping in mind who both men are in regards to their feud (which I'm sure many ECW fans would rank as a favorite from the fed) then I think the match totally and completely works. It's probably very hypocritical of me, as I've seen plenty of matches like this on the indies where guys kill themselves with no rhyme or reason, no selling, no build to anything, and then at some point the match ends because of a move that for whatever reason made a guy keep his shoulders down for one extra second. And I've hated all of them. Even while watching this match and enjoying two men try to cripple each other in the name of fond memories, I pictured some clown like Davey Richards doing a match like this, and I would certainly hate that match. But in the moment it came off more like a violent and entirely stupid (but awesome) IWA-MS match. If this match happened in front of 60 people in the back patio area of a rural bar, between two guys named Dick Nasty and Tony Sack, I'd be yelling at Phil to go out of his way to watch the Tony Sack match.

I've criticized plenty of matches that I thought were garbage, but worked for the crowd they were presenting to. This match could easily fit into that category. "Bad match, awful structure, crowd loved it." But I'm with the crowd on this one. Despite being unreasonable and selfish, I remember the complaints at the time about Rey, Benoit, Eddie, etc. not working "like they were in ECW". Rey was booed for doing his 619, Eddie didn't...I don't know, do any Malenko/Guerrero roll-up sequences? Whatever it was, fans were agitated that some guys looked like they were working the show like any old TV taping and not the GREATEST EVENT OF THEIR LIVES. Again, it's wildly unreasonable, and illogical. They had real wrestling jobs and would go on to those jobs after this show. So within context of this show, Tanaka and Awesome going out there and just completely destroying themselves for the crowd, for ECW, to try and get a job, to stick it to JBL in the balcony, whatever they had to prove I don't know, but they clearly pulled out everything within their abilities and threw it out there. And I thought it worked for that reason. Again, stuff that's context-dependent doesn't always hold up, but I can say I enjoyed this match more now than I did at the time. Granted, there were still moments I laughed out loud during the match, and I fully get why JBL was laughing about it in the balcony (his fake cheerleading and shock when they keep kicking out of stuff is still funny to me), but on this show, at that moment, with these guys, this was the best they could have possibly done, and they did more than they probably should have, more than anybody else on the card, and more than anybody probably needed. Within a minute or two of the bell Tanaka gets powerbombed from the apron through a table, head and shoulders first. Things get more ridiculous from there. Both guys get brained with chairshots, more tables explode in insane fashion, Awesome hits one of the nastiest gores I've seen, and then more tables explode. Awesome's knees had to be pencil shavings at this point, and he's still doing his big splash off the top and dives into the crowd. Tanaka's brains had to be mashed potatoes at this point (still unclear how he's managed to work more than most Japanese workers for the last decade) and he willingly takes every stupid powerbomb and finisher Awesome pulls out of the hat. Match ends spectacularly with another powerbomb from the ring through a table on the floor, and then Awesome ridiculously following up with a straight up nosedive of a plancha, just dive bombing Tanaka and coming in vertical. Ridiculous structure, none of the moves meant anything, both guys needlessly killed themselvs, but it was the perfect match for this show.

We get a long, fairly lame Heyman promo (with SHOOTS!) filled with a bunch of flat disses (yelling "Matt Freaking Hardy" at Edge, which Joey Styles points out is a SHOOT because Matt isn't even employed by WWE!!!!!!!!).

7. Dudley Boyz vs. Tommy Dreamer & Sandman

This was a chance to get more guys a payday, and it was fine for that reason. Sandman takes years to come out, which is certainly an accurate ECW throwback. The bWo comes out and Styles over laughs the whole time, worse than the absolute worst possible Jimmy Fallon bit. While the bWo are just walking to the ring, just normally walking to the ring, Styles literally says "This is the funniest thing I've seen in my life". This guy is terrible. We get Balls & Axl, The Impact Players (with Francine looking better than at any point during the original ECW), Spike Dudley comes out, Kid Kash hits a wild and awesome flip dive on about 10 people, Beulah makes her wrestling return, and people got hit with trash cans. At one point Bubba raked Dreamer's forehead with a cheese grater which is just the grossest. I don't know if it was worked or not, but Dreamer had tons of color and Bubba made it look great. God thinking about a cheese grater on flesh is just disgusting. Beulah and Dreamer have the most revolting hug I've seen, with Dreamer covered in blood and Beulah pulling away when it's over with blood caked in her hair. Yuck. Match ends with a flaming table spot, and then all the Raw and Smackdown crews get called out and there's a big schmozz. This is where JBL infamously roughed up Blue Meanie (even though it wasn't really caught on camera). Tracy Smothers stood out to me during the brawl as really looking like he was having a ball out there, jumping in and punching people at will. The crews get run off and Bischoff ends up alone in the ring with the ECW guys, but it's pretty anticlimactic as he takes a couple finishers but still gets to yell "Fuck ECW!" Really should have had him take more finishers, or not allowed him to look so fearless and never say die.


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WWECW Workrate Report 5/22/07

1. Snitsky vs. Tommy Dreamer

The dream match everybody was waiting for! Snitsky posts Dreamer and works over his shoulder to start, until Snitsky misses a big boot and crotches himself over the top rope. He did the exact same missed spot last week against RVD, so it appears this is going to be his "Andre stuck in the ropes" spot. He doesn't make it look very good, though. Dreamer's comeback was really cool but then he went up top for no reason other than getting caught by Snitsky. Man that's dumb. Tazz also overdoes the "Snitsky had BAD intentions behind that shot!" as he also drove it into the ground last week. I fucking hate that phrase when MMA announcers use it, and it's no less stupid here. What other intentions would ANYbody have when he is fighting someone? You have two guys trying to win a fight. OF COURSE a punch will have bad intentions. I guess that are rare instances like "Man, I had to hit you with that chair to save you from yourself! I was trying to help you! My intentions were good."

Elsewhere in 2007, Timbaland did a music video with the Hives, and it featured Layla and Torrie Wilson. That's weird.

2. Kevin Thorn vs. Wyatt Laro?

90 second squash, but a good one. Wyatt...something (Styles and Tazz kept pronouncing his last name slightly different. Laird, Lara, Lahro, Layro. I have no idea what it was supposed to be as he didn't get an onscreen graphic) bumped nicely for Thorn and Thorn didn't dawdle and busted out a nice clothesline and a fine yakuza kick. Fans actually get amped for Wyatt's comeback but it's shortlived and Thorn hits his finisher, which Styles now calls Original Sin. Also, no Ariel with him this week, so I assume she got canned out of nowhere and never mentioned again (because they sure weren't talking about why she wasn't there this week).

3. Matt Striker vs. Brett Major

So, this wasn't very good at all. Ryder is so-so now, so imagine how polished he was 6 years ago. He had some big bumps, and then some of the worst punches you've ever seen which I suppose means he's   supposed to be the new ECW Chris Chetti. It was weird seeing him break out offense that I don't associate with him, like a rolling senton (once he started getting somewhat over his offense became more locked in). I still like Striker and he looked good here. They spent so much time putting over how he's the weak link of the New Breed that I was positive he'd lose here, which really made me buy into Major reversing a vertical suplex into a small package. So that was a good pinfall fakeout, but Major just wasn't that good overall.

4. RVD & CM Punk vs. Elijah Burke & Marcus Cor Von

Wow, what a dud. This was one of the more boring matches I've seen in some time. They get plenty of time to do something, and this couldn't even hold my attention for 14 minutes. I had to break it up into two parts. A couple minutes in we get Burke and Marcus isolating RVD and working over his legs for what seems like an eternity. The leg work looks good (especially liked Burke knee dropping RVD's legs and slamming his knees into the canvas over and over) but my god they work his legs over for 8 minutes. There are never any teases to tag in Punk during this whole time, just the two guys working over RVD. No missed hot tags, not even any attempts. Just RVD having to sell leg work for a long time. RVD as a salesman always brings plenty of unintentionally funny facials. Eventually after the longest 8 minutes of my month, Punk tags in and the crowd is going crazy. And then Cor Von hits another awesome Pounce (I don't think I'll ever tire of this move) and Punk goes flying into the ropes and...the ref calls for the bell. You see, Cor Von was not the legal man. Oh, my god. Was this during that period when the refs were supposed to call things "as if they were a shoot"? Because a couple weeks back when Vince pinned RVD Scott Armstrong waited way long to count because one of RVD's shoulders were up, and now this match ends out of nowhere in the flattest way possible, over something that rarely ends a match in WWE. This was a horrible waste of 15 minutes right here.


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WWECW Workrate Report 8/11/09

1. Zack Ryder vs. Shelton Benjamin

This feud was set up last week when Ryder jumped Shelton while Shelton was singing a Hootie & the Blowfish song. Although Matt Stryker explains that it's all about the traditionalist throwback wrestler in Shelton Benjamin taking on the modern style of Ryder. Yep, the first thing I think about when I watch Shelton Benjamin matches is how much of a throwback he is, just he and Ole Anderson bitching about when guys REALLY knew how to cut off a ring. I do think Ryder works better as a heel, but we have problems as Benjamin doesn't really know how to work as a face. Ryder hits a nice dropkick off the 2nd rope and we hit a weird moment in the match where both guys start selling like they've been in a war 90 seconds in, even though only 3 moves have been done. Then a neckbreaker happens and I genuinely can't tell who was giving the neckbreaker and who was taking it, and I don't know if they know either as they sell it exactly the same. This seems to be something that happens in Shelton Benjamin matches, where I rewind moves and I can't tell who is supposed to be taking what, and who is doing what to whom. Ryder did a vertical suplex, Shelton flipped over and landed on his feet...and then they both fell to their backs and sold. I have zero fucking idea who did what to whom. Match only goes like 3 minutes so it's not like that was the one thing holding this back from being good.

2. Vladimir Kozlov vs. Kevin Brooks

Fans chant "You Can't Wrestle" at Kozlov and boy is that still really annoying. Kozlov and Zeke continue to try and shatter jobber vertebrae and slam the poor little guy around a bunch, whipping the back of his head off the mat in the process. These really need some Chris Nowinski "The More You Know" type stats comparing back bumps to car accidents.

3. Paul Burchill vs. Yoshi Tatsu

This was really fun but then ended 2 minutes in when Katie Lea interfered. It was a really fun 2 minutes and they squeezed a whole lot of damn moves into 2 minutes, but a 2 minute match ending in interference is what it is. Burchill had an awesome double knee drop, Tatsu threw some nice kicks and a cool elbow drop, and then it all stopped. Hurricane returned and attacked Burchill post-match. I totally forgot he came back and was still in WWE this late.

4. Tyler Reks vs. Tom James

This match gets 75 seconds, so we've had 4 matches that have been given a total of 7 minutes on this episode. Fuck that noise.

5. William Regal vs. Tommy Dreamer

Once I saw the match announced I immediately assumed it was the infamous elbow match, but this was actually a different yet also completely awesome match. I'll level with you, this may have been the single greatest individual Tommy Dreamer performance I've ever seen. The whole match I was waiting for and expecting the moment where his elbow starts to swell to alarming levels, cringing every time Regal would slam Dreamer's arm into the post or stomp on it or whip it into the mat, knowing that Dreamer's selling wasn't *really* as good as it looked since his arm was going to blow up at any moment. But when it never did I was faced with the realization that Tommy Dreamer just sold his arm better than most human beings have ever sold an arm. The match really is incredible. Dreamer comes in with a taped up arm and Regal just goes off on that fucking thing. He yanks it and twists it in all sorts of gross ways, stomps on it, works a bunch of cool holds on it (some of Regal's best matwork in his WWE career). Things roll to the floor and Regal kicks it against the ring post and good lord did that look painful. Dreamer fights back in really nice, convincing ways, as Regal is fixated on putting him away with the Knee Trembler but Dreamer keeps ducking out of the way of it. Every time Regal misses it allows Dreamer to control for a bit, until Regal invariably grabs him by that arm and tries to dislocate it from Dreamer's body. There was a great punch exchange towards the end that was real quick with really nice shots from both guys, with Dreamer even mixing it up with right hands and body shots!! This match was just incredible. Really a career performance from Dreamer, and one of Regal's absolute best career performances. Something you could show anybody with a passing interest in either guy, and they'd then be convinced each was an awesome worker.


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