Andre the Giant Enforces Carpool Rules

Andre the Giant vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan WWF 5/21/88 - GREAT

ER: Heel Andre is one of the most perfect Jim Duggan opponents we ever got. Nobody is better prepared for Duggan's strengths, weaknesses, and idiosyncrasies. He is impossible to gobble up so there's no danger of Duggan lazily walking through the hits. Duggan wasn't really doing that in '88 anyway, but he certainly wasn't going to do that against Andre. Andre forced Duggan's selling to be at its best, and he paid off Duggan's selling with some incredible work of his own. All of Andre's work here is incredible. He puts on such a show. There is something so damn funny about the largest man in the country steadfastly, calmly refusing to wrestle if the referee doesn't remove Duggan's 2x4 from the ring. Andre acting as a lawyer is some of his best work. He's not losing his temper, he's just acting like a kid who is perfectly fine waiting at the dinner table if he can wait out his parents making him eating his vegetables. Andre is resigning himself to sitting at that table until bedtime if it means he doesn't have to eat them. He hears the threats and does not care. He has drawn the line and made up his mind and everyone in the Spectrum hates him for it.

Andre holding out his hands, palms down, to quiet down some of the threats is so fucking funny. I had to keep skipping back to watch him do it. Look at his face man, look at his face, turning over his right shoulder when one of his young twin sons verbally crosses a line during carpool. Andre's son just said the S-word and Andre is trying to get control of the situation. "Hey, Jace? We don't say that okay? Hey...we don't say that." Andre is riling up the Spectrum, a man who has just paused the movie for the 4th time so he can use the bathroom again. Nobody else has even gone once! 

Dick Graham, as really only Dick Graham can do, starts imagining what he thinks a typical Andre the Giant breakfast might consist of, but he's clearly speaking of some mythical Andre who has a specifically Philadelphian palate. "Imagine what this Giant might eat for breakfast. Couple pounds of bacon, couple dozen eggs, scrapple, pancakes, cinnamon milk..." I have never heard of cinnamon milk as a Philadelphia thing. I always assumed cinnamon milk was what homeless people made at the Starbucks straw and lid station without having to buy anything. No doubt it was also a treat Dick Graham's mother made him in the 30s and Dick assumed a French countryside giant also grew up drinking it. Dick Graham presumably thinks broccoli rabe is Andre's favorite side and that his mother made milk pie for dessert. 

My Scrapple Breakfast with Andre. 

The match is great. Andre beats the damn bricks off Duggan. His closing speed when he "starts" the match is the most imposing and unavoidable attack. He closes distance so fast and goes from not being next to Duggan to choking the life out of him in short seconds. He comes off like a lumbering ogre but that distance disappears quick man. But how about the way Andre responds to punches? How Andre sells punches? The way Andre takes a big right hand, wipes at his nose with the back of his hand multiple times to check for what has to be blood, taking another punch, finally throwing judo chops because he is tired of taking punches to the nose. Andre going to his bearhug sure shuts people in the Spectrum the fuck up. House shows are great places to work bearhugs, especially ones this good. Duggan is so good fighting through his various stages of pain and grief while in a Giant's grasp. His only chance is to go for nose. 

Andre shoves Duggan off and starts holding his nose and yelling at him through the pain. When Duggan fights back he starts targeting Andre's End of Level blinking red nose and the way Andre unsteadily staggers in response is wrestling. Andre keeps taking three point stance charges - FIVE of them! - and is walking uneasily while using the ropes for guidance, a giant walking on mousetraps out of the corner, the ropes acting as his guide and support. Duggan finally bumps Andre him by kicking the ogre's support ropes to send him flying, a tortoise flipped to his back. It's everything I want.

The only thing I did not want was The 2x4 Finish (pronounced "TUBA-four" by Dick Graham). This is one of the weaker Andre finishes of the 80s, sadly. Andre swinging a board into Duggan's back looked nowhere near as dangerous as any of the times Andre swung his arm at him. 

COMPLETE AND ACCURATE ANDRE THE GIANT

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Found Footage Friday: KONG~! MEIKO~! CACTUS~! ATLANTIS~! MASAKRE~! DANDY~! JT SMITH~!

Cactus Jack vs. JT Smith TWA 8/20/91

MD: Guessing on this date from the finish. It's surreal to see Foley go from Manchester vs Vader back to this (just a couple of years earlier). He did stuff on top of stuff to keep it entertaining, smacking a chair into his head (two chairs; the first wooden which he sold more), going on the mic for a big rant (after which he ran right into Smith's offense), the Cactus clothesline over the top, a flip bump in the corner, so on and so forth.

His shots in the corner all looked great and he was there for every little thing Smith did. Smith was in the right place at the right time hitting the right stuff for a lot of this, keeping the crowd engaged as a babyface, but it was hard not to be overshadowed by Cactus. I'd call this more entertaining than coherent or great, but you still didn't want to look away which was the hallmark of early 90s Foley. Great finish too as Foley got his throat caught in the ropes leading to a count out, a very clever way to get Cactus Jack out of a tournament if need be.

ER: A cool match, and I love the timing of this coming just a week after we covered a new Cactus/Vader match. That was 1993, this is 1991, and Cactus seems like such a different wrestler in this one. Just two years later he was slower, beefier, and his execution on almost everything was completely different. Here he threw punches with his arm and threw them more overhand, completely different arm slot than he would use for most of his career. His punches looked great here. Every time he hit JT Smith it looked like a real shot. JT Smith was in there to take shots, and the crowd responded to it. They really got behind him, even though every single time we got a glimpse of the crowd there didn't seem to be a single person in attendance who looked like him. How about that. 

JT Smith isn't really a guy with offense, so of course you were going to have Cactus make up for that. That's when you get him wandering around the building hitting himself with chairs, cutting a promo mid-match, keeping people riled and wary against him and hot behind JT. He knew JT was going to bump big for him - JT Smith got thrown, hit, or clotheslined to the floor three times in under a minute and every fall he took to the floor looked great - and he is Cactus Jack so of course he's going to take some bumps. That said, I don't know if I've seen Cactus take that Ray Stevens bump in the corner before. It's not the Shawn Michaels roll up bump, it's the Stevens bump that John Nord and Mike Modest took neck/shoulder first into the buckles. Nord and Modest took it more horizontally and landed flat, but Cactus takes it messier and ends with an uglier bump down into the mat. 

There were two really great moments, as judged by some guy sitting near the cameraman who exclaimed "Oh SHIT!" two different times: The first was when a charging Cactus clothesline knocked Smith sideways on landed him on his stomach; the second was when Cactus got himself hanged in the ropes very near to where he was sitting. His verbal exclamations were absolutely correct both times. 

Atlantis/Rayo de Jalisco Jr/El Dandy vs. Pierroth Jr/Masakre/MS-1 CMLL 9/92

MD: Really a blast in the about ten minutes we get here. The primera and segunda function almost as a fully formed sprint and then we get at least part of the finish of the tercera. Atlantis looks like a huge star here. He bounds into the ring and gets ambushed starting the rudo control. Masakre is a menace here, sneaking in and punching anyone he can at any point, even when they're in holds.

Atlantis comes back basically on his own, including eating a punch and kipping up immediately to fire back. While this is happening Rayo is fondly holding the hand of a prone Dandy. Atlantis just outslicks all three rudos until his partners can come back (and when they do, it's with a huge Dandy punch and Rayo doing his shtick; it all felt balanced here). For the tercera we come in on them switching matches around which is a little weird, but the tecnicos pretty quickly overcome. I would have liked to see how we got to the mask switching but overall what we did get here was great.

Aja Kong vs. Meiko Satomura GAEA 6/14/03

MD: We're going to try to tackle some of these GAEA uploads that people think are rare/new as we've done a bad job at that. I have no idea about the context here, but I do know that Aja Kong might be the most immediately watchable wrestler ever. You can drop into almost any of her matches from almost any period and while the match might be enhanced by content, you're going to be able to figure out exactly what's going on. 

I call it the "Problem of Aja" which has to be overcome by any opponent she faces. She's too big, too strong, too fierce, too much, and even against someone like Satomura, you see it right from the get go where Aja just stuffs her and starts to pull her apart, wrenching her arms in all sorts of ways they don't belong. With a little bit of distance Satomura can get a quick shot in, but by giving Aja a little bit of distance, she'll get run over in turn. She can smash her head with the metal bucket (or throw it at her) but Aja will just take it and headbutt her back, or even worse: she'll get the bucket and smash Satomura and then drop her head first on it. 

The great equalizer here was Satomura's death valley drivers. Any move that took so much effort could justifiably have such an effect, and they were enough to turn the tide and even to almost put Aja away, but almost isn't enough and while she was able to duck the uraken a few times and get ten strikes in for every one Aja hit, all it took was one landing to end this.

ER: I thought this was incredible. This wasn't out there before? This is new? We're just seeing this match, that feels like one of the classic matches of a classic feud? That can't be. If this match happened on this week's Dynamite it would be a 5.5 star match that people actually remember two months later. Aja Kong is an unstoppable danger that must be endured, and I've never responded to a woman wrestler the way I respond to Aja. The same way I can show any of my non-wrestling bubble friends any Stan Hansen match from any era and they recognize on sight that this man is beating the shit out of everyone and moving and falling and reacting in ways they have never seen yet instantly understand, Aja Kong has that exact same level of accessibility. If this is your first Aja Kong/Meiko match, you will understand everything. The fight Aja forces Meiko into bringing, Aja's unbeatable and at times literally unmovable condescending honesty, and Meiko's urge and determination. Aja feels like someone who cannot be moved and it requires Meiko to do it for real, and when Aja takes something for real she's finally a monster wounded. 

The GAEA girls at ringside keep taking this to higher levels, their volume and cries and anger growing over a brisk 12 minutes, and the crowd actually sounds upset when Aja kicks out of Meiko's final surge of fire. The anguish of her girls at ringside was felt as much or more than the emotion all over Meiko's face.  Every hit in this match is honest as can be. The death valley drivers compress Kong, the slaps seem like they should all swell Meiko's jaw and wreck her hearing. Kong gives this woman a brainbuster on a metal bucket and it's not as violent as a half dozen of Kong's strikes. The emotion is huge for a "short" match, and Kong pulling a fucking small package - and a small package so well executed that it would have brought a tear to Bret Hart's eye - is one of the greatest bullshit asshole heel spots I've ever seen. Can you picture Stan Hansen needle dicking his way into pulling a small package on Misawa? Riots. I've never seen something so brazen. She eventually buckles Meiko's entire body with a uraken but I wanted to see the looks on everyone's faces and the boos from every mouth had Aja Kong won with that perfect small package. 

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70s Joshi on Wednesday: Jackie! Barkley!

57. 1979.09.2X1 - Jackie Sato vs. Winnie Barkley (After 9/21, possibly October)

K: This is similar to the Jackie vs. Vicki Williams match we covered last we so it makes sense to more of a direct comparison. I don't like how these Japan vs. American matches are laid out, the evil foreigner is way too dominant and the constant cheating is overkill.

I'm going to go on a bit of a tangent here. People often associate this kind of match with Dump Matsumoto but there's actually a substantial business. Dump's matches (especially the famous ones) don't have this kind of flat constant cheating where the heel is just doing essentially the same thing over and over again. Rather, there's an ebb and flow to it where she'll do some cheating, then roll it back a bit, before coming up with some new devilry, and you never know what she's going to do next or how deep into her bag of tricks she's gonna go this time. It's why her matches sometimes have an element of horror in them.

But back to the match I'm actually reviewing. This does feel like a slightly improved version of what we saw last week in that firstly, Jackie does get a bit of shine at the start. I'm not saying there's some absolute rule that that needs to happen, but I think in this kind of match it really worked and neither of her opponents have ferocious enough heel offense to take over right from the start and have it feel meaningful. The dodgy referee  business starts early but is a little more restrained in that he breaks up a hold that he claims is a choke, and there's a little plausible deniability there that he's just strictly enforcing the rules before it becomes blatantly obvious that he's just crooked against Jackie.

But after hinting a more efficient direction at the start this settles into the pattern of the referee slow/fast counting and the Americans on the outside constantly interfering under his nose so Jackie can never get any momentum going (she does hit a beautiful proto-slingblade in one of her brief hope spots though). It just feels a lot more right when Jackie gets to go on offense, she's meant to be the heroic Ace around here, plus she's just such a physical specimen.

But then in the last few minutes this match turns into something different entirely when AJW referee Jimmy Kayama runs into to confront the American ref and his crooked ways but the ref attacks him. The crowd are so furious at the ref they start throwing things at him and it really feels like things are getting out of hand when suddenly a random fan actually runs into the ring to  remonstrate with him, and all the wrestlers on the outside have to jump into the ring to get rid of him. Jimmy Kayama is in there again fighting, throws the crooked ref out of the ring just in time to fairly count a Jackie cover to give her the win. Well. That would have been an awesome final 90 seconds of a great match if I hadn't been mostly bored for 10 minutes beforehand.

**

MD: Yeah, this was more of the same from the last match but Williams had looked way smoother than Barkley. She was, of course, Winona Littleheart, just out of gimmick.That’s almost a shame because I’d be curious what the gimmick would have looked like in this setting. As it was, we were looking at choking, eye rakes, draping the face over the ropes, etc. Jackie emoted well in agony. The heel US ref made sure that she didn’t get any comebacks but honestly, there weren’t even enough hope spots in here. The US team (the Moolah Army) interfered when they did. The commentators told us some useful things, like that the winner of the tournament would get $30,000 (I think dollars at least), and that Winnie liked disco dancing. At least things did come to a head in a crazy angle at the end as referee Kunimatsu Matsunaga had enough and got involved, getting into a big brawl with the US ref and finally just making the count himself. It was a wild scene for such a pedestrian angle and probably made this work overall as long as they just don’t go right back to it later. You could watch the last two minutes of this and get the full effect save for some of Jackie’s great selling.

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