I'm Far Away From Nowhere, On My Own Like Tarzan Goto

Tarzan Goto vs. Chainsaw Charlie Indy World 5/21/98 - EPIC

SR:What a matchup, and it ends up delivering exactly as it promises. Incredibly gory, violent and chaotic brawl. I am not super well versed in Terry Funks 90s output but from what I’ve seen this is easily among his greatest matches of the decade. The Chainsaw Charlie character is so fun, and Goto holds nothing back just tearing him up. I want nothing more from a brawl than two crazy characters throwing punches and sometimes guardrails at each other and taking crazy out of nowhere bumps, and this delivered that in spades. Terry throwing chairs across the arena and then getting a barbedwire board in his face was pretty damn crazy, same for the further barbedwire spots. Goto mockingly putting a spinning toe hold on Terry only to end up eating the barbedwire himself was also a really fun character spot. Then, after getting buried underneath a bunch of plunder, Goto suddenly emerged with a broken battle to carve up Terry further. I mean, the broken bottle is pretty much a regular spot in Goto matches, but it really felt like an escalating barfight move in this. 

Just as Tarzan decided to reprise the 1977 Funks/Arabs match and stab the shit out of Terrys arm and I was thinking the match was moving into MOTY territory, all hell broke loose with a bunch of Kai En Tai dudes running in to attack Goto on behalf of WWF. Still we gut more props thrown around, Victor Quinones getting walloped and Wally Yamaguchi taking a nasty powerbomb from Goto. Even with the non finish, this was everything you hope for and more. I’m kinda shocked this match is not legendary as it’s just incredibly bloody and also a well worked match. If it happened on a WCW PPV people would be talking about it to this day.

PAS: I wrote this up for the Ringer. Matches that Look Like Horror Movies. 

Horror movie comparison: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), The Hills Have Eyes (1977)

Chainsaw Charlie was a gimmick that the iconic Terry Funk used for a bit in the WWF, for some reason. It was always obviously just Terry Funk with a chain saw in his hand and pantyhose on his head, and they never bothered to pretend otherwise. He went ahead and brought that gimmick to Japan to face off with puroresu ghoulie Tarzan Goto in a huge Korakuen Hall brawl.

The match started with Goto meeting Charlie in the aisle and them sword-fighting with a chair and a chain saw. They brawled into the crowd and soon Charlie had blood staining his ridiculous-looking pantyhose mask—real gross-looking stuff. Funk looked like a guy who would jump out at you on a haunted hayride. Terry got thrown into barbed-wire boards and jabbed with broken pieces of wood, screaming and squirming the way only Terry Funk can. He was finally able to take over when he countered a Goto spinning toe hold (a signature Funk move Goto was applying just to be a dick) by kicking him face-first into a barbed-wire board. We then got broken bottles, more chair shots, and more shots with barbed-wire boards until, finally, Kai En Tai DX ran to support their WWF compatriot Charlie and started brawling with random Goto trainees. The whole thing ended in chaos, which is pretty much where it began and stayed throughout.

ER: Sebastian expressed shock at how this match isn't legendary. I love 1998 Terry Funk. I think Funk is one of the guys you can make an argument for as best WWF in ring guy of that year. I am a huge fan of Terry Funk, I have watched hundreds of Terry Funk matches, I am a huge fan of 1998 Terry Funk, and I did not know about this match. Somehow, not only is it not legendary, weird guys like me have not even necessarily even heard of it before today. That is outing myself as someone who either did not read Phil's Ringer piece, or that my brain is such now that I instantly forgot about it. Terry Funk, in his mid 50s, worked a Korakuen Hall Death Match in between a couple of Raw tapings. Terry Funk worked a Death Match in Japan, for some reason, as Chainsaw Charlie. He hadn't been Chainsaw Charlie in WWF for two months, and had only been Chainsaw Charlie for two months before that. Why did he work this match as Chainsaw Charlie? Why did he ever work any match as Chainsaw Charlie? 

But one man is holding up a sign that says Korakuen Chainsaw Massacre so wrestling as Chainsaw Charlie is 100% the correct choice. 

Was Terry Funk lying about where he was going and what he was doing? How many people were made aware that Terry Funk was taking his odd fitting grandpa jeans to Tokyo so he could roll around in barbed wire before wrestling Mark Henry in a King of the Ring Qualifying Match at the Rosemont Horizon. Whatever. Terry is bleeding through his pantyhose like a fucking Home Alone burglar two minutes in because he is a legend in ways none of us could have understood even then. Did WWF knew even 30% of what he was doing over there? Did they have any idea that a broken glass bottle came a couple inches from his eyeball? Did they know how violent Terry Funk was wrestling in between Raw tapings? 

Terry Funk throws chairs at Tarzan Goto's face and falls multiple times into barbed wire. I thought he was working as Chainsaw Charlie so he could hide layer after layer of insulation to protect from the barbed wire, but within minutes he is stripped to old man jeans and suspenders and the bloodiest fucking face and it's among the best he's ever looked visually in his entire faultless career. Goto clotheslines him at full strength without hesitation and made him rip his own hair out to remove barbed wire. Goto sliced an old man up with a bottle he broke on the ringpost after trying to break it over Terry's head. Goto grinned like an asshole playing his greatest hits after throwing a barbed wire board as hard as possible at the referee, a man who I believe Funk hit as hard as he could in the back before throwing him into the crowd earlier. Chaos is right. And Terry Funk took a week off from his gig as the oldest active wrestler in the biggest wrestling company in the world to go fight and bleed buckets and create new scars. Who's better? 

Tarzan Goto/Ichiro Yaguchi/Sheinryu vs. Arashi/Osamu Tachihikari/Ni Hao SPWF 3/11/99 - FUN

PAS:This has an awesome on-paper stimulation, it's an elimination match with the eliminated wrestlers being crucified on a barbed wire cross. Unfortunately it doesn't really live up to that cool idea,  folks don't seem that upset when put on the cross, and it is pretty meandering. These matches are the best when they are frantic, and this lacked that urgency. If we had a better set of ex-WAR Sumos I imagine it would have been great. Goto does carve up Tachihikari with a bottle, and Yaguchi looks cool, so it keeps it from being Skippable, but it is on the border. Barbed Wire cross elimination match is a killer gimmick and my guys in the Coven of the Goat should steal it for sure, just make it 12 minutes instead of 25. 

COMPLETE AND ACCURATE TARZAN GOTO

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W*ING v. Fujiwara Group 3/02

Tomokai Honma v. W*ING Kanemaru, Shoji Nakamaki, Hidoh

PAS: This was a death match graduation gauntlet as I assume Honma was on his way to his undercard All Japan stint. This really felt like an exhibition with a three opponents kind of running through their specialties. Honma bleeds a bunch and gets awkwardly powerbombed on his head, but this never really felt like a match

TKG: I guess there was some sort of build. Honma has to last five minutes with each guy and its not like each five minute segment had Honma going through lighttube boards and barbed wire. Instead first five minutes was Kanemaru doing floor brawling, next five has Nakamaki intro a barb wire board, next five has Hidoh introduce the lighttube board. Does that count as build?

PAS: There was a point in the early part of this decade where I really liked Japanese indy juniors wrestling, and these two along with Onryu were big reasons why. This was a total train wreck though, Cougar had a nice legdrop, but this was a bunch of blown and awkward spots. I am concerned that if I revisit all of this stuff I will have to reevaluate these guys, because this sucked a dick.

TKG: I kind of expected these two guys to have a touring match worked out by this point. I mean this is 2002. These guys have wrestled each other for years. But this wasn’t as worked out as the worst Fleish/Storm, Shelley/Jacobs or Sydal/Delirious match. It didn’t feel like these two had an idea of what to do with each other.

TKG: The W*NG guys and Fujiwara guys meet in a wine cellar to determine tourney brackets. Pogo looks like ary Busey talking nonsense while everyone else looks away in embarasment. After dinner Pogo gets a blows fire on a caricature of Fujiwara to get his team psyched up.

Masaru Toi v. Takeshi Ono

PAS: This was the second most intriguing match on paper, and while I would have liked it to be longer, it delivered for a short match. Toi is a guy famous for potatoing people, but he took the worst of it, getting kicked square in the face a bunch of times, as well as eating some nasty body shots. Toi fired back with some chairshots and a nasty top rope double knee. Feels like these two have a great main event on a Goro Tsurumi fed in them, but this was kind of short undercard match.

TKG: I don’t know if I think of Toi as being a guy who delivers potatoes so much as veteran in multiperson match who hold stuff together and has cool old man highflying. They start with basic wrestling feel with Ono eventually doing the dickish “I won’t participate in BS rope running wrestling thing” move. Toi responds to the shooter going “pro-wrestling is BS” by grabbing for the weapons and dropping Ono on stack of chairs.

Sato v. Hiroshi Shimoda

PAS: This was worked BattlArts style with Shimoda using his fatness, Roy Nelson style to stymie the skinner Sato. Shimoda was kind of awesome in this, doing all kinds of little cool spots, stepping on Sato’s foot to get control, really laying on him in the amateur rides. I loved the finish with Sato squirming out of a powebomb into a choke sleeper. Shockingly good for two guys I have never heard of.

TKG: The Japanese Pride open weight thing can be silly but played out fine here. I haven’t watched any 21st Century W*NG, but wouldn’t mind seeing what became of Shimoda. Shimoda does a really neat fat guy feint where he claps his hands above his head, distracting Sato so he can go in for a takedown. Made me nostalgic for playing rugby in my younger days. Skinny guys can feint by quick feet movements. Fat guys on the other hand if they plant their feet in one direction..that’s where there feet are going to stay planted. Fat guys need to do really ridiculous broad theatrical movements and yell “Hey look over there!” if they want to create misdirection. The clapping above the head was just a really fun fat guy fake out spot.

Mr. Sakai v. Tomokai Honma

TKG: I have no idea who Mr Sakai is or why he represents Fujiwara. He’s in a really cheap wrestling outfit with the Japanese sun on his belt and a cardboard tiara that says Mr Sakai on top of his head. He has a nice asai and I kind of liked part of the set up for the finish as they fight off the ropes on the ramp. But this was the least of your Fujiwara v W*NG matches thus far.

PAS: Pretty short, but outside of the nice dive, pretty bad. Man Honma may have been a Ryuji Yamakawa creation. The finish of this match was especially shitty as Honma hits a Thunder driver on the ramp where Sakai’s head doesn’t even come close to hitting the ramp. It’s W*ING if you aren’t going to recklessly injure your opponent, what are you doing there?

Osamu Tachihikari v. Gran Sheik

TKG: Ok. So I was wrong. This is the least of your Fujiwara v W*NG match ups. Gran Sheik is an L.A. lucha heavyweight who works like a really poor man’s Rey Sr or Kiss. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen him work the mat this much. He is about as impressive on the mat as he is doing stand up brawling.

PAS: There was a couple of nice open hand chop exchanges, but this was some dull fat man wrestling. Osamu Tachihikari was a guy who got Internet cult status based on his fat face, hair and pockmarked skin, but he was the least of your man breasted WAR dudes

Yoshiaki Fujiwara/Yuki Ishikawa/Katsumi Usuda v. Mr. Pogo/Hidoh/Shoji Nakamki

PAS: I was hoping for more of a clash of styles with the Fujiwara team using shootstyle to counter the garbage wrestling. Instead we get a basic W*ING match with a short arena tour and Pogo winning by choking Fujiwara with a chain. This ties the series at 3 and there is some mike work to set up a big Captain’s Fall elimination with everyone from each team. This was basically a big brawl with some fun Usuda asskicking, and a suprsingly good Gran Sheik v. Ishikawa punch exchange, but it ends pretty quickly with Fujiwara tapping Pogo with the armbar. Pretty disappointing for something that looked awesome on paper.

TKG: The opening six man match was really nothing. I don’t even remember the arena tour. Just Pogo taking off his boot hitting Fujiwara and then hanging him. I was kind of stoked to see captain’s fall just for the chance to see more Shimoda. But that never really broke down into individual match ups. Instead you have this all over the place brawl that has almost a Battle royal feel where there is lots of stuff happening but never any focus. Lots of cool Ishikawa exchanges as the section of him vs Hido looked like something I want to see as an actual match, surprisingly the same is true of the section of him vs Gran Sheik. Fujiwara’s exchanges also were also a blast as he traded with Nakamaki, Hido, Shimoda and Pogo.

W*ING Kanemaru v. Mitsuhiro Matsunaga

PAS: This felt kind of desultory. It was a W*ING show, so this had to be the main event, but it didn’t feel like there was any purpose beyond that. For some reason they kept turning out the lights, so large parts of this were in the dark. The finish was sort of a crazy balcony dive by Matsunaga which is pretty crazy to try in the dark.

TKG: They’re wrestling in the dark. It’s 2002, so this is pre Rick Saloman popularizing night vision technology. Or is that something that Paris picked up from the Harajuku girls? I’ve heard people mock death match workers for killing themselves in front of small crowds. But at least keep the lights on so that small crowd can see you killing yourself. Doing it with the lights out so no one can see it is bizarre.

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