I'm Far Away From Nowhere, On My Own Like Tarzan Goto

Tarzan Goto vs. Chainsaw Charlie Indy World 5/21/98 - EPIC

SR:What a matchup, and it ends up delivering exactly as it promises. Incredibly gory, violent and chaotic brawl. I am not super well versed in Terry Funks 90s output but from what I’ve seen this is easily among his greatest matches of the decade. The Chainsaw Charlie character is so fun, and Goto holds nothing back just tearing him up. I want nothing more from a brawl than two crazy characters throwing punches and sometimes guardrails at each other and taking crazy out of nowhere bumps, and this delivered that in spades. Terry throwing chairs across the arena and then getting a barbedwire board in his face was pretty damn crazy, same for the further barbedwire spots. Goto mockingly putting a spinning toe hold on Terry only to end up eating the barbedwire himself was also a really fun character spot. Then, after getting buried underneath a bunch of plunder, Goto suddenly emerged with a broken battle to carve up Terry further. I mean, the broken bottle is pretty much a regular spot in Goto matches, but it really felt like an escalating barfight move in this. 

Just as Tarzan decided to reprise the 1977 Funks/Arabs match and stab the shit out of Terrys arm and I was thinking the match was moving into MOTY territory, all hell broke loose with a bunch of Kai En Tai dudes running in to attack Goto on behalf of WWF. Still we gut more props thrown around, Victor Quinones getting walloped and Wally Yamaguchi taking a nasty powerbomb from Goto. Even with the non finish, this was everything you hope for and more. I’m kinda shocked this match is not legendary as it’s just incredibly bloody and also a well worked match. If it happened on a WCW PPV people would be talking about it to this day.

PAS: I wrote this up for the Ringer. Matches that Look Like Horror Movies. 

Horror movie comparison: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), The Hills Have Eyes (1977)

Chainsaw Charlie was a gimmick that the iconic Terry Funk used for a bit in the WWF, for some reason. It was always obviously just Terry Funk with a chain saw in his hand and pantyhose on his head, and they never bothered to pretend otherwise. He went ahead and brought that gimmick to Japan to face off with puroresu ghoulie Tarzan Goto in a huge Korakuen Hall brawl.

The match started with Goto meeting Charlie in the aisle and them sword-fighting with a chair and a chain saw. They brawled into the crowd and soon Charlie had blood staining his ridiculous-looking pantyhose mask—real gross-looking stuff. Funk looked like a guy who would jump out at you on a haunted hayride. Terry got thrown into barbed-wire boards and jabbed with broken pieces of wood, screaming and squirming the way only Terry Funk can. He was finally able to take over when he countered a Goto spinning toe hold (a signature Funk move Goto was applying just to be a dick) by kicking him face-first into a barbed-wire board. We then got broken bottles, more chair shots, and more shots with barbed-wire boards until, finally, Kai En Tai DX ran to support their WWF compatriot Charlie and started brawling with random Goto trainees. The whole thing ended in chaos, which is pretty much where it began and stayed throughout.

ER: Sebastian expressed shock at how this match isn't legendary. I love 1998 Terry Funk. I think Funk is one of the guys you can make an argument for as best WWF in ring guy of that year. I am a huge fan of Terry Funk, I have watched hundreds of Terry Funk matches, I am a huge fan of 1998 Terry Funk, and I did not know about this match. Somehow, not only is it not legendary, weird guys like me have not even necessarily even heard of it before today. That is outing myself as someone who either did not read Phil's Ringer piece, or that my brain is such now that I instantly forgot about it. Terry Funk, in his mid 50s, worked a Korakuen Hall Death Match in between a couple of Raw tapings. Terry Funk worked a Death Match in Japan, for some reason, as Chainsaw Charlie. He hadn't been Chainsaw Charlie in WWF for two months, and had only been Chainsaw Charlie for two months before that. Why did he work this match as Chainsaw Charlie? Why did he ever work any match as Chainsaw Charlie? 

But one man is holding up a sign that says Korakuen Chainsaw Massacre so wrestling as Chainsaw Charlie is 100% the correct choice. 

Was Terry Funk lying about where he was going and what he was doing? How many people were made aware that Terry Funk was taking his odd fitting grandpa jeans to Tokyo so he could roll around in barbed wire before wrestling Mark Henry in a King of the Ring Qualifying Match at the Rosemont Horizon. Whatever. Terry is bleeding through his pantyhose like a fucking Home Alone burglar two minutes in because he is a legend in ways none of us could have understood even then. Did WWF knew even 30% of what he was doing over there? Did they have any idea that a broken glass bottle came a couple inches from his eyeball? Did they know how violent Terry Funk was wrestling in between Raw tapings? 

Terry Funk throws chairs at Tarzan Goto's face and falls multiple times into barbed wire. I thought he was working as Chainsaw Charlie so he could hide layer after layer of insulation to protect from the barbed wire, but within minutes he is stripped to old man jeans and suspenders and the bloodiest fucking face and it's among the best he's ever looked visually in his entire faultless career. Goto clotheslines him at full strength without hesitation and made him rip his own hair out to remove barbed wire. Goto sliced an old man up with a bottle he broke on the ringpost after trying to break it over Terry's head. Goto grinned like an asshole playing his greatest hits after throwing a barbed wire board as hard as possible at the referee, a man who I believe Funk hit as hard as he could in the back before throwing him into the crowd earlier. Chaos is right. And Terry Funk took a week off from his gig as the oldest active wrestler in the biggest wrestling company in the world to go fight and bleed buckets and create new scars. Who's better? 

Tarzan Goto/Ichiro Yaguchi/Sheinryu vs. Arashi/Osamu Tachihikari/Ni Hao SPWF 3/11/99 - FUN

PAS:This has an awesome on-paper stimulation, it's an elimination match with the eliminated wrestlers being crucified on a barbed wire cross. Unfortunately it doesn't really live up to that cool idea,  folks don't seem that upset when put on the cross, and it is pretty meandering. These matches are the best when they are frantic, and this lacked that urgency. If we had a better set of ex-WAR Sumos I imagine it would have been great. Goto does carve up Tachihikari with a bottle, and Yaguchi looks cool, so it keeps it from being Skippable, but it is on the border. Barbed Wire cross elimination match is a killer gimmick and my guys in the Coven of the Goat should steal it for sure, just make it 12 minutes instead of 25. 

COMPLETE AND ACCURATE TARZAN GOTO