Unicorn Gimmick Matches - Symphony of Destruction

Elias vs. Jaxson Ryker WWE Raw 7/19/21

ER: A 1999 style hardcore match that doesn't quite live up to WCW junkyard reckless stupidity, but due to the specific weapon stipulation managed to capture at least a degree of that unpredictability that comes with using non-conventional weapons. This match was the final Elias match in WWE, and to his credit he went out with his best performance of 2021. If WWE actually knew what they were doing week to week they could have easily billed this as a Loser Leaves Town match (instead they just aired vignettes a month later for his return that never happened), but it's still a perfectly fun violent weapons match to go out on. The entire ringside area is filled with musical instruments. It's incredibly stupid but it works because they went so over the top with the instrument selection, and they didn't cheat by fleshing out the match with non-instrument weapons. 

Instruments are great weapons because they are either very heavy or very lumpy, so they are either awkward as hell to land on or heavy as hell to be hit with, and we get plenty of both. Elias takes a nasty bump into a drum kit and there is probably no instrument more painful than a set of drums to bump into (there is one specific way that bumping onto a flute would be much worse, but it's a one in a million shot), and Elias's selling in this match is good enough that I assume his body was completely messed up by this band room brawl. Ryker hits some heavy shots with a huge keyboard, which Elias later pays back by hitting Ryker a few times with a fucking cello. Do you know how heavy cellos are? Not nearly as much as you think, actually. And, since you've never seen circles farther apart than the Venn diagram of WWE Raw viewers and Julian Lloyd Webber fans, Elias takes advantage of that. John Cena used to be really great at putting over the weight of foreign objects, and I have no doubt that there are thousands of kids who believed that the ring steps weighed 200 pounds just from watching how Cena would always labor to lift them over his head. Elias uses that same energy when lifting that cello over his head to smash Ryker, making a 7 lb. instrument look like 70. 

There are some big spots around a grand piano, and the WWE prop department deserves credit for finding a big ass piano just for this blowoff match. I suppose it's possible that Diana Krall had played the arena and the American Airlines Center staff had been looking for a way to get rid of this thing, but regardless, we got to see two guys take bumps on a big piano and that rocks. Also important, is that they fill the time in between weapons shots with hard strikes, with Elias throwing hard elbows after getting busted open, and Ryker throwing shots to Elias's temple to set up the big finish. The finish is the only cheat of the match, as Ryker does an awesome superplex from the top rope to the floor through a pair of tables. A superplex through a grand piano would have been one of the most memorable spots of the year, but I'm not going to hold that against them. Ryker was really good at making sure Elias was punched out on the apron to set up his superplex, making a big spot feel less cooperative than it should have looked, and the superplex itself was definitely something that should end a match. Elias's selling after the pinfall was so good that it would be easy to believe he was hurt, giving his final match the actual gravity that WWE didn't provide. 

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WWE Fastlane I Didn't Know If I Had Peacock or Not Blog 3/21/21

ER: I didn't know if I had Peacock or not, and it was kind of annoying to figure out, so I wasn't going to bother watching Fastlane. But then I realized it was still on the Network, and I know how to work that!! 

Matt Riddle vs. Mustafa Ali

ER: This was active enough, but I didn't like where they took most of their activity. I like how they worked both of the Riddle lands on Ali's boots/Ali lands on Riddle's knees spots, but there were some contrived set ups for a lot of the big stuff. I thought the Koji clutch after the fisherman's buster was dumb, and the set up for the middle rope piledriver was ridiculous. But the post match Retribution angle was hilarious. It's so funny hearing Ali address them by all their silly names, and how they all acted the walk out with gravitas but it comes off next level because Ali is doing serious acting with them. "No, Slapjack come on. Don't you walk through those ropes Slapjack. You're nothing without me Slapjack!" Ali running down Mace and T-Bar was funny, because Slapjack and Reckoning just had this standing up to my boss moment, but these two are making growling sounds and acting like Ninja Turtle villains. Like who the fuck is Retribution? What do they stand for? What's in the Retribution Mission Statement? What's their ethos? Are they a union? A cult? It's really funny. 

Sasha Banks/Bianca Belair vs. Shayna Baszler/Nia Jax

ER: This tag was well managed and competently worked, but it never built to the level of interest it should have, and the Banks ego stuff at the end came off flat. Sasha's 2021 has been a major drop from her 2020, the character is just not right and the match work is suffering for it. Shayna and Nia controlling Belair made for the compelling parts. Shayna really dropped her with a knee that she would pay for later, Nia gets dropkicked into a nice Belair rana, Belair takes a big spill to the floor, it's good stuff. But Sasha looks messy on her hot tag, reaching to catch Baszler kicks before Baszler has thrown them. But she absolutely tags Shayna with a knee, and I loved her pouncing with the Banks Statement because of it. The ego drama at the end was bad, filled with dumb WrestleMania sign pointing and a stupid reaction from Banks. Nobody came off looking good because of this. For some reason I did like Belair still leaping to almost break up the losing pin on Banks, but this segment didn't help anybody. 

Big E vs. Apollo Crews

ER: They won me over a bit with the deliberate pace and stiff work, but that finish was a real loser. The match proper was filled with good looking stuff, but a disputed 3 count finish will never help any wrestler in any angle. Nobody gets excited by whether someone's shoulder wasn't actually pinned, and it leads to two awkward 2.5-3 counts where nobody is quite clear on what happened. But Big E hits Crews with the spear through the ropes and then hits two of those disgusting apron splashes he does. I don't know how much he actually pulls that apron splash or how much he just wrecks dudes' ribcages, but it feels like the WWE roster move I would least want to tank. He really gets a ton of impact on those standing splashes, they're really remarkable. His belly to belly suplexes looked good, and Crews' comeback looked decent. The finish was a real fizzle, but Crews looked a ton better during his post match beatdown of E than he looked during the match. Crews would be better off doing cool as Olympic slams and less jumping spinkick combos. 

Braun Strowman vs. Elias

ER: Elias was a decent Rick Rude-as-Johnny Polo here, and all of Braun's heaviest stuff looked heavy. Elias took bumps in fun ways that were a slight twist on standard back bumps, loved how he landed on Braun's big scoop chokeslam. Braun laid Elias out with a great clothesline that looked like Elias blindly running into a tree branch, and I dug how much Elias relished his brief time in control. This filled its role on a card. 

Seth Rollins vs. Shinsuke Nakamura

ER: Rollins PPV matches are such a drag. He's always a villain taking way too long to explain his evil plan. It is so hard to stay interested in Seth Rollins and the ways he chooses to pace his matches. Nakamura looked good when he fought back, and took a great bump to the floor after getting knocked off the buckles, really fell to the floor like a Chris Hamrick in leather rather than vinyl. Rollins does hit a very nice bullet tope, throwing his whole shoulder and side into Nakamura's torso and hurtling himself into the barricade because of it. That is a Cool Seth Rollins Moment. But Rollins also worked to Rollins up the rest of this, and by the time we got into a bunch of memorized sequences it's just impossible to stay engaged. Nothing can ever come off organic with this guy, always has to be the most focus grouped version of a wrestler every time. 

Drew McIntyre vs. Sheamus

ER: These two have really good chemistry, and I do not mind that we're getting the same match up run several times. I like the way these two beat each other up, and it's been a highlight of 2021 wrestling a quarter of the way through the year. The only thing I don't like about their matches is when McIntyre inevitably does his nice headbutt and Byron Saxton says in a leprechaun voice "Give us a kiss, Sheamus!" Byron Allen is more like it. This match was hard hitting as expected, but was more interesting when they kept things in the ring. Drew throwing Sheamus with several belly to belly suplexes (and Sheamus knowing how to land heavy on the suplexes) was engaging stuff, because no spot was moved to without one of the guys throwing a stiff body shot, or a chest welting chop, or a punch to the cheek. The brawl through the video screens had a lot of hard landings on non-mat surfaces, but it was a little meandering no matter how stiff it was. Still, a rolling senton on the floor will always look cool, and Sheamus getting thrown crashing through a video screen was a neat stunt spot and good looking fall. But Sheamus hitting a sick knee to Drew's chin in the ring is something I'd rather see more. And behold, things get immediately better the second they get back into the ring, and the slap exchange looked like two guys trying to KO each other with slaps. Crazy how much speed Drew can get behind a slap from his knees. Let these two keep kicking the hell out of each other. It's made for some great TV. 

Randy Orton vs. Alexa Bliss

ER: Maaaan who even wants this? Who out there wants this? Show yourselves! I liked Burn Victim Thing but I do not care about any of this! 

Daniel Bryan vs. Roman Reigns

ER: I thought this was a pretty tremendous Bryan performance contained within a match that didn't hit what it was going for. This was way too long in the tooth and didn't work on as grand a scale as they were hoping it would. Roman's extremely slow and methodical newer style may work for some, but for me it usually feels like gratuitous time padding, and saps a lot of a match's drama. Bryan looked great throughout though and kept this buoyant. He was good at filling time by purposely annoying Reigns, getting under his skin, and all of his stick and move strikes looked like they were actually slowing Roman. Bryan's knees all looked great, and the Yes locks kept looking more and more like they could get an actual tap. The Edge involvement was as bad acted as expected, but Uso made the most of the situation with his interference. I think Roman's slow as hell pacing was driving me nuts here because it was always very clear that things were ending with Edge and Uso involvement, so every long minute we weren't getting to that point was just one more minute until the inevitable. Bryan was put into the position of having to make a decent trade for a player who just very publicly demanded to be traded, and it's a testament to his abilities that he kept this one as interesting as it was. 

ER: A pretty underwhelming show, with McIntyre/Sheamus really the only full match worth seeking out, although Bryan purists would love his performance in the title match. I guess it was pretty obvious this show would only be filler due to not actually needing a PPV in between Elimination Chamber and Mania. 

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WWE No Mercy 2017 "Live" Blog

1. Elias vs. Apollo Crews

ER: I really like the early headlock work in this, like Elias walking up the buckles and floating over in a headlock, Crews holding a tight headlock on the mat. Crews pops up with a handspring and hits a huge dropkick and grounds again with the headlock. Cole relays a story about Elias walking 45 miles just to see Neil Young in Austin, which if true is a better Neil Young story than me telling him I loved "On the Beach" while standing in line next to him at Great American Music Hall's bathroom. Elias sweeps the leg and Crews takes a big bump on the apron. I also liked Elias's mule kick, thought Crews went to comeback too quick but I liked his comeback. Elias has no problem leaning into a yakuza kick, Crews has maybe the nicest kip up in wrestling, and this was another in a long line of perfectly fine pre-show matches. I need to start watching Main Event to see what gems might be on there.

2. The Miz vs. Jason Jordan

ER: I really loved Jordan's recent TV matches with Cena and Reigns, hoping he can continue being a nice 10 minute match superstar. And this starts off good, especially liked Jordan getting dropkicked off the apron and then slammed into the barricade. Rachel is always excellent at spotting Mamrie Hart/Grace Helbig at ringside and also points out Hannah Hart. Women are funny, get over it. Miz has a nice cravate and Jordan bounces on his dome off a DDT. Jordan throws a real nice top rope clothesline, which is not an easy clothesline to do. Most people have a terrible top rope clothesline. Miz gets launched by a belly to belly, the rolling northern lights are still cool, and on the floor he tosses Dallas into the rest of the Miztourage with a belly to belly. Crowd is super hot for Miz and clearly want him to retain, and sure enough when Axel interferes on his behalf the crowd literally leaps to their feet knowing he was winning. These Hollywood Elites just looooooove the A-Lister. Jordan complains ineffectively after the match. He's clearly going heel, soon.

3. Bray Wyatt vs. Finn Balor

ER: Bray jumps Finn and we get minutes of anguished faced Finn selling his tummy down the ramp whle referees who all look bigger than him offer their support. It's cruel that they're making me watch this match, but also delaying the start of the match. Rip that bandaid off, jerks! But, Finn has a decent baseball slide dropkick, Bray does a tough superplex and Bray headbutting him off the ropes looked cool. Bray weenies out of the follow through on the apron DDT, but Finn gets credit for still winging himself head and shoulder first into the apron. Balor traps Wyatt in the apron and kicks him, and really there aren't many guys less cool than Balor to be allowed to do the Finlay apron skirt spot. But really this whole thing didn't do much for me. Their whole "feud" has been completely missable and pointless.

4. Seth Rollins/Dean Ambrose vs. Sheamus/Cesaro

ER: This feud also hasn't been doing it for me, but I like Cesaro going after Ambrose, swinging him into the ring steps and booting him in the face. But I lose interest when Rollins tags in, throwing top rope clothesline over Cesaro's head and hitting a light plancha. Cesaro has a bloody nose or mouth (maybe from hitting the ring post?), and he's really been a nut this match. He even takes a huge backdrop to the floor and yeah he's making this match. Cesaro is also awesome while trying to tap Ambrose, working to keep him away from the ropes, rolling into a crossface. Jeez it looks like Cesaro got his front teeth knocked out. Cesaro powerbombs Rollins off the middle rope ONTO Ambrose which looked killer and really could/should be a finisher. I dug the spot where Sheamus set up the brogue kick but Ambrose fell over before he could hit it. But I didn't really buy the finish of Sheamus being put down by a knee and an okay DDT. Cole/Booker/Graves seem to think this was the tag match of the decade, it felt more like an inspired Cesaro performance and a typical solid Sheamus performance. I still thought Ambrose and Rollins had weak offense and in Ambrose's case it's always set up the exact same way. I thought Cesaro/Sheamus really admirably carried this.

5. Bayley vs. Emma vs. Nia Jax vs. Sasha Banks vs. Alexa Bliss

ER: The rule of matches with odd numbered participants still applies here for sure, but I like the people involved so we'll see if they can have a good match. I love Bliss/Nia interactions, Bliss always cops the best faces during them. Nia being the awesome boss with huge running avalanches corner to corner. The double samoan drop spot is never really believably set up, but the results are satisfying. I love Nia blocking Alexa's DDT and not going down for Bayley's guillotine. Nia takes a bonkers powerbomb bump off the apron and she is officially the boss. How can people still hate Nia? Finishing stretch starts getting hot when Bliss goes for the double knee moonsault and Bayley catches her with a suplex, and we get some good saves. I wish we had gotten a bigger Nia comeback as I was hoping she'd factor into the finish, but I like Bayley being the one making a ton of the saves and then ultimately being the one not saved.

6. John Cena vs. Roman Reigns

ER: The fans are really cool and I believe they start off with a "You Both Suck" chant. It sets up a nice start to the match as Cena plays along and threatens to leave, which allows Roman to jump him on the rampway. Cena is always great at taking bumps around and into the ring steps, so we get some of those to start which allows Roman to start with the advantage. But by the time they go to strike exchanging I realize that I have really gotten into this. It's been fine, but it's been under expectations. It felt like we got to the big kickouts a little early, although the AA off the middle rope looked pretty spectacular. JEEZ Roman reverses the AA on the announce table and spears Cena, but Roman looks like he took the WORST DDT possible. I mean he folded in a totally gross way on that landing. I admit some of the AA finisher spamming has sucked me in, mainly because of how the crowd is reacting to it. I love Cena rolling through the 3rd AA to deliver the 4th, and the crowd reactions are really good. Camera finds a great shot of a kid cheering Cena's inevitable win and then being stunned when Roman kicks out. I thought this was fine, but delivered under my expectations. The finisher spamming was really only satisfying because of the hot crowd.

7. Enzo Amore vs. Neville

ER: I still don't understand why Enzo is on TV as much as he is, but here we go. I have really liked wrestlers with no offense before (like Stevie Richards, or Virgil) but Enzo does very little for me. I enjoyed him a few times as a FIP during tags, but he doesn't bring enough to singles matches for me. I mean, the Beetlejuice suit is cool and all, and he doesn't shy out of taking a beating, but I can't buy him as a threat to anybody. Still, he brings the bumps, leaning into a shotgun kick, flying into the timekeeper's area and upside down into the barricade. His DDT of the top rope was great as Neville returned the bump favor and planted himself. The finish took a long time to set up, but was pulled off effectively. The punt to the balls looked like something that would keep a man down, I just have zero interest in seeing Enzo in more singles matches.

8. Braun Strowman vs. Brock Lesnar

ER: Braun is an incredibly credible challenger to Brock, and him tossing around Brock is great. That powerslam always seems to completely rattle the ring. Lesnar uses that kimura on Braun so effectively, really feels like a great way to attack him. Braun gets suplexed a bunch and I think both men are great at selling both power and fading stamina. Lesnar is good at selling fatigue from the suplexes, Braun is good at selling the suplexes. Graves is good at keeping attention on Braun's arm during Braun's powerslam, and (this sounds like a cop out) but the crowd genuinely seems to be in awe. And then an F5 finishes it WAY earlier than I expected. I was still getting into the match, excited for where it was going...and then it stopped, just like that, and it felt really flat. I assumed there would be shenanigans of some kind, and instead Braun just kind of lost.

ER: The show moved quick, and it managed to be a breezy viewing without me really loving the show. I was banking pretty heavily on the two big matches delivering, and they did not. So the show seems far more disappointing to me than it might have actually been. I had just watched the Braun/Brock/Joe/Reigns match again a couple days ago and was too stoked for that main. And it felt like we got just half a match. It's crazy to me that they've ended SO MANY PPVs this past year on crap non-finishes to main events...but this one ends clean as a sheet. And RIP Cesaro's beautiful smile.

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