All Time MOTY List Head to Head 2012: Lesnar v. Cena V. Akebono/Hama v. Okabayashi/Sekimoto

Akebono/Ryoto Hama v. Yuji Okabayashi/Daisuke Sekimoto BJW 1/3/12

PAS: It is really amazing how fat Hama and Akebono are, we aren't talking regular wrestler fat, but reality television fat. Hama looks like Jerry Blackwell had an emotional crisis and tried to eat his feelings, Akebono is the size of WWF champion era Yokozuna, probably the fattest tag team ever. Match told a pretty simple story, Hama and Bono would squish the Strong BJ guys under their massive bodies, while Okabayashi and Sekimoto would throw improbable looking suplexes. It is a great way to build a match. I don't understand how either guy was able to suplex Hama,  the only way it seemed plausible is if Okabayashi's baby was trapped under Hama and he needed to summon unknown reserves to get him off. 15 minutes is a perfect amount of time for this type of match, and it was really enjoyable

ER: Man, I don't even know how Akebono or Hama are even physically possible. Both seem simultaneously bullet proof and faberge-egg-fragile every time they move an inch. Akebono seems like there is equal chance he will throw Okabayashi into the 16th row, or that both of his ankles will shatter upon taking a step. Strong BJ throw full body weight into him and he doesn't move an inch, then he throws one of them onto the other and crushes Okabayashi with the greatest elbow drop, like an Acme anvil punching Wile E Coyote through a desert cliff. I think I used a Wile E Coyote reference in the review for Cena/Lesnar, so that immediately makes this match comparison wholly valid. Hama is just absurd. He looks like a man who should wash himself with a rag on a stick. He keeps a photo of Gilbert Grape's mom on his fridge for inspiration. And here he is laying out on splashes and throwing Vader bear attack punches and eating nasty frog splashes and throwing full weight elbows. I have zero clue how Okabayashi is able to suplex him. It does not make physical sense. Akebono is an amazing pro wrestler. I am probably his biggest fan. He feels like prime Andre to me. He carries so much presence, so much stoic facial anger, drops these amazing elbows, is able to be unbeatable and vulnerable; he's so damn good. The way he just gets annoyed when Okabayashi is trying to knock him off the apron, the way he finally takes a huge bump over the top to the apron, the way he gets vertical on a school boy and makes it entirely plausible that his own upper torso could pin him. Akebono is a guy I need to do a Complete & Accurate on. You heard it here. This guy is pro wrestling. I love this match, I love freakshow fatties, and this was just pure pro wrestling.

Lesnar v. Cena review

PAS: I dug SMOP v. Strong BJ, but it was more a fun snack, then some sort of epic meal. Cena v. Lesnar was a French Laundry dinner

ER: This match felt like more of a celebration of scientific advancement than an epic wrestling match. "Our human technology and evolution has created two pumped up undersized powerhouses and two freakishly massive round squishing machines. LOOK WHAT WE CAN ACCOMPLISH. These matches were both spectacles that are unduplicatable. But Lesnar/Cena is perfectly crafted pro wrestling drama. This was a step below, as a nonstop "No WAY they'll be able to..." match, which is special in its own way. Still, champ retains.