Segunda Caida

Phil Schneider, Eric Ritz, Matt D and occasional guests write about pro wrestling. Follow us @segundacaida

Saturday, July 09, 2016

Matt Hardy vs. Brother Nero: THE FINAL DELETION

ER: So TNA decided to give the Hardy Boyz free reign and book all their own programs, and really it's just about the best they could have hoped for. This whole episode long recurring segment was really the tale of a bad pro wrestling match, surrounded by one of a kind never done FMW jack off bullshit. The wrestling --- well I've seen multiple Hardy matches from the last few years that are much better than the wrestling on display. But the bullshit? This was some grass fed bullshit right here. The show opens with Matt Hardy and Reby Sky celebrating their son Maxel's 1st birthday, and their gardener Senor Benjamin brings young Maxel a present, which turns out to be an....EXTRAordinary xylophone. Hardy does no fewer than a dozen different accents when talking about his son's future, and this sets the ball rolling. Later Jeff is seen relaxing in his home, on HIS side of the Carolina Compound, just playing some bad acoustic guitar, surrounded by his own bad original art, and the score swells with extraordinary xylophone music. And it turns out Matt is spying on him with DRONES, and they are drones that allow Matt to speak to Jeff, and eventually, in the best possible part of this episode, Matt distracts Jeff with drones, leading to Matt fucking up Jeff's lawn with a lawn mower. The shot of Matt Hardy riding arms outstretched on a lawnmower, looking as if he was receiving a blowjob from the mower, was incredible. Senor Benjamin digs some sort of grave for Jeff, a LICENSED referee eventually shows up to a torch-lit backyard ring (which has been loaded with weapons by Senor Benjamin), and the Hardys.....

proceed to have a fart sound of a match. With about a zillion jump cuts. The whole thing was filmed like the worst episode of mid 2000s SmackDown, just cutting to a new camera angle every single damn second. Both Hardys worked slow and loose, the average shot length was about 1 per 1.2 seconds, and the match finally picked up once Jeff went for a swanton, onto a ladder, off of a tree branch. Ittttt......mostly missed, but it was a swanton out of a tree which is like......hundred backyard wrestling points. I've seen a 60' running bulldog in a public park, I've seen one teenager give another teenager a Burning Hammer on a picnic table, but I have not ever seen a swanton out of a tree. So that counts for something.

BUUUUUUT then Matt Hardy gets out some sort of firework gun and shoots them at Jeff, and Jeff blocks them with a garbage can lid and I'll level with you...I loved it. Then Jeff on his death bed is able to light another fireworks gun and Matt has to run and hide under a boat by the lake. We wind up in a large grave (dug earlier by Senor Benjamin) and Jeff locks on a pretty great side choke on Matt, then climbs up a large standing version of his goofy symbol to swanton Matt into the grave, but Matt uses Maxel's birthday cake candle to light it on fire, sending Jeff swantoning into the dirt.

So this certainly happened. The match was terrible, the fireworks fight was brilliant, the match was terrible, the interview segments were hilarious, and the match was terrible. Also, the whole thing literally just seemed like something the Hardys do on any given Saturday. Super enjoyable, almost always amusing, and we'll always have GIFs of Matt Hardy riding on a lawnmower. I assume it will replace "Fuck Your Couch" GIFs.

PAS: I enjoy goofus nonsense, and Matt Hardy was certainly enjoying himself, but filmed wrestling always looks terrible. I played Rugby in college and have had my fair share of fireworks fights. It really hurts when you get hit by a bottle rocket so I bought that as a near fall. Wrestling has something like an uncanny valley where nonsense goes from believable in the real world, to some phoney baloney horseshit. The difference between Arn Anderson tapping his head and Chuck Taylor throwing an imaginary grenade, Flair visiting Black Jack's Ranch and Joey Ryan undercover cop. It is a little like Potter Stewart's definition of pornography: I know it when I see it. Matt Hardy with a hologram drone is on the bad side of the pancake.

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