Andre is Hit on The Head With A Frying Pan, Lives in A Garbage Can

Rumble Match WWF Royal Rumble 1/15/89 - GREAT

ER: Andre is in the Rumble for 15 minutes, but it's easily one of the best performances in the whole match. It's not news that Andre is an incredible presence in any battle royal he's in. There's a reason Andre in a battle royal was such a durable pro wrestling draw, but this is an Andre battle royal performance completely different than any other. This is 15 minutes of Andre as an aged mastodon, with Demolition, Mr. Perfect, Ronnie Garvin, Greg Valentine, and Jake Roberts as the cavemen trying to bring him down without getting stepped on or gored. Demolition started the Rumble, and Andre was the 3rd entrant, and the second Andre stepped into the ring Demolition were beating the hell out of him. It's so cool seeing Andre immediately reeling, and his wounded mastodon performance was incredible. He's taking constant kicks and punches, lashing out almost blindly, and when he connects it always does serious damage. Every new guy that enters the Rumble goes right after Andre, with Perfect coming in and immediately punching Andre in the face only to nearly get headbutted over the top. Garvin comes in and he, Ax, and Perfect tie Andre up in the ropes, leading to a great spot as the agonized giant kicks all three of them off. Perfect is great bumping around for Andre, with he and Garvin each trying to attack him while Andre is sitting on Ax in the corner. There are all these tiny moments of Andre's mounting anger getting interrupted, the giant reacting with gritted teeth, one second away from nuking someone before getting blindsided by someone else. Andre never knows who to focus on, so he just keeps absorbing shots until he gets his hands around someone's throat. 

Once Jake comes in, Andre puts his blinders on to everyone else, and just goes off on Roberts. Andre lets Roberts punch him a few times and gets a big grin on his face before clobbering him, then uses his singlet strap to strangle him. Valentine is hilarious the whole time Andre is smashing Jake, as he keeps running across the ring with huge swinging clubbing shots, and Andre completely ignores them until finally turning around and headbutting Valentine. Andre tosses Jake (and several others throughout his 15 minutes), and I'm sad to see his run end so quickly. Roberts runs back to the ring with Damien, and Andre nopes the hell out of there, eliminating himself. Andre running the hell out of the ring was a great spot, and a fine way to defeat Godzilla when conventional weapons weren't working. But I wish it happened way later in the match, would have been much more satisfying to have Jake come out 10 entrants later, give Andre a 30 minute run. Still, for 15 minutes, it was impossible for me to watch anyone but Andre, a man who knew how to fill battle royal time better than maybe anyone. 

Andre the Giant/Mighty Inoue vs. Cactus Jack/Texas Terminator Hoss AJPW 4/5/91 - FUN

ER: I love that we have these kind of oddball match-ups preserved, how we get a 25 year old Cactus Jack going up against a top 5 all time legend, and putting in one of his greatest early career performances. We do not get an Andre vs. Hoss match up, which is honestly probably for the best. Hoss is great at hitting big slams on Inoue, and while it would have been fun seeing him bump for the still much larger Andre, it probably protected both by having them not cross paths. Besides, Cactus vs. Andre was so damn fun that I didn't miss Andre vs. Hoss. Inoue takes a pounding but the crowd is hot for an Andre tag, and Andre - still  looking like a total mountain mover - punches Cactus right in the head and throws chops like Col. Steve Austin swinging a tree branch into a heavy. Andre looked like a gigantic Punch Out boss dwarfing Little Mac, and Cactus made Andre look like the legend he still was. Cactus took two big backdrops, one on the floor and one in the ring, Inoue hit two terrific rolling sentons on him (there is presently nobody who does a Mighty Inoue style standing rolling senton, and that's idiotic because it would be a solid add to anybody's moveset). Cactus runs valiantly into the middle turnbuckle in a Grade A bump, and then makes Andre's big boot in the corner look like a pipe to the face. Andre looking at Hoss on the apron with "Go ahead, break up this pin, motherfucker" eyes while he just falls on Cactus for the pin is some classic final years Andre presence.

PAS: Fun stuff, turns out Cactus and Andre are pretty perfect opponents. Late era Andre is going to stand there, be huge and have people bounce off of him, and Cactus is willing and able to bounce off of people. We get a crazy Cactus shoulder bump into a post and a backdrop on the concrete, and he absolutely gets flattened by an Andre elbow. That's really all you need to make something like this work. 

COMPLETE AND ACCURATE ANDRE THE GIANT