Found Footage Friday: QUEBECERS EXPLODE~! CESARO~! GUNTHER~! LOS COWBOYS IN GUATEMALA~!

Los Cowboys (El Texano/Silver King) vs. Astro de Oro/Skeletor Guatemala 9/15/91

MD: There's a certain genre of match that I find fascinating. There's no good name for it but it's best described by the rudos/heels being visibly, noticeably concerned about the amount of heat they might get in front of a specific crowd and adapting their wrestling accordingly. I don't know what preceded this but there was nothing to make Texano and Silver King come off as particularly rudo in the early going here. They came out, they were nice to fans, they posed well with the belts and the anthems. They wrestled clean early. Texano worked really hard to get a handshake. And the trash was still coming and they seemed kind of alarmed and put off by it. For the anthem, there were a ton of kids singing which was always a good sign. Skeletor came out with a robe with Guatemala on the back. Astro de Oro was obviously beloved. 

So there wasn't any mask ripping here. Their win in the segunda was real quick. While they controlled in the tercera there was never really that sense of danger for the tecnicos. You always got the sense that even amidst the double teams Skeletor could PROBABLY make the tag if he really really wanted to. It was, shall we say, a ginger rudo performance. 

Instead, they flew all over the place. They missed leaps off the top rope and dives. There was plenty of heel miscommunication. Silver King was happy to fly out of the ring on a kick out. Skeletor was charismatic and hammed it up a bit with Texano. Silver King and Astro de Oro were really moving at times and mostly everything looked very good. There was a point in the tercera where Texano and Silver King did Tiger Feints instead of diving and one guy right in the center of the crowd shot let out a popper/firework thinking the dive was coming and that's a little bit of really interesting cultural information. It made me sad for him that they didn't get dives because his timing was perfect. Anyway, of course the locals won and everyone survived to see tomorrow. 

Jacques Rougeau vs. Pierre Carl Ouellet WWF 10/21/94

MD: This is about 80% of a perfect match to me. 75%, 75%. I was thinking structurally, but the thing needed blood too. It has parallels to MS-1 vs. Sangre Chicana in some ways. And before you balk at that, think of the setting. This is Jacques in Montreal, in what was supposed to be a celebratory swansong. He's up against Pierre. He's got Raymond in his corner. Polo's out there with PCO.  

And Pierre cheapshots him before he can get his robe off. Raymond tries to break it up but the ref pulls him off which just lets Pierre stomp away. Jacques tries to fire back, but Pierre's younger, stronger, bigger. He lays in a beating, a nasty, brutal thing. Every time it seems like Jacques has an answer, he cuts him off. Jacques is able to outsmart him and back body drop him over the top. He lands on his feet. Jacques gets a flurry and he catches him in midair and puts him in the tree of woe. When the ref tries to stop things, Polo comes over to choke him. Pure heat. There's one moment where Pierre is whipping Jacques off the ropes and Jacques makes a sort of out of control bobbling motion, almost seizing, with his head as he's getting whipped and it's some of the best selling I've ever seen.

The thing is, Pierre can't put him away. So he starts to go with more and more high risk moves. He hits a flip dive. He goes off the turnbuckles, once, twice, and then Jacques catches him, crotching him on top. It's not quite the punch heard round the world but it's pretty damn satisfying, especially to this crowd. 

And it opens the floodgates for the ritual beating. And what a beating it is. When Jacques tosses him into the stairs on the outside, it's about as loud as I've heard stairs. After beating him around the ring, Jacques goes for a mounted punch (no puns). Pierre tosses him off and we get this great ref bump. Polo comes in to attack. Raymond hits him with a superkick.

And that's when they should have taken this thing home. Have it seem like Pierre was going to get the advantage, have Jacques mount one last comeback, go to the finish. They don't though. They just sort of meander with some nearfalls and momentum shifts and they don't lose the crowd, but once you see Polo back on his feet rooting for Pierre, you realize that the match went just a little long in the tooth. The finish is amazing, Pierre going for a tombstone and Jacques turning it around for this gnarly sitout variation and then slowly, fatefully draping a hand over for three. There's just no reason why that couldn't have happened almost immediately after Polo got taken out. And blood. Blood would have been good. Still, 75% perfect is pretty damn good.

Cesaro vs. Gunther WWE 11/8/21

MD: This is a house show match between Cesaro and Gunther. In Leeds. It is definitely. That's nothing to scoff at. It's just not transcendent like Cena vs Reigns or even the parts of Jacques vs Pierre that were transcendent. 

It had room to breathe. It managed the crowd well (and a crowd like that needed managing). It didn't get ahead of its sails. It didn't go off any rails. It was measured and focused and did what it had to. Instead of having the crowd go for dueling chants or ironically entertaining themselves (or shouting 2! a lot or whatever), it got them to clap up three times, early on in a test of strength, then during a surfboard (the one with the head in; Cesaro got out of it with some headbutts of his own after he turned it) and finally once in the heat as he was building to the comeback. 

It got them to chant for the swing right before Cesaro got it down the stretch. They hit hard, both early on and right before the finish. And yes, they built to that swing and they paid it off. They worked things fairly even up front. Gunther would go for cheapshots and deviate from the wrestling first but Cesaro generally had an answer. I liked the big comeback spot as Cesaro was able to catch Gunther in midair and turn him, strength outdoing strength, and the finish was good, with a near-miss with the ref before a cheapshot and a thudding top rope splash. This hit marks, and that's admirable. A good match. A good house show match. And good for the crowd for letting it guide them.

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WWE Royal Rumble 1/28/23 Live Blog

ER: Who's ready to read the opinions of a man who hasn't watched a current WWE match since last year's WrestleMania?? Who's ready to read the scratchings of a man who is only barely acquainted with the hierarchy of the current roster?? Who's ready to read the fumblings of a man who knows nothing of current storylines?? Well then you are in for a treat, because I have found such a man. I don't know who HARDY is but I'm going to assume it's a Kurt Sutter persona. 

Doesn't Pat McAfee work there? 

1. Men's Rumble Match

ER: So Gunther is a cool #1 right? Excited to see Keto Walter. Starting him with Sheamus is even better, but I don't think they did very much with their 90. Forearm exchanges and running into a chop, I expect more. Sheamus works more stiff with Miz than with Gunther. Nice of Kofi to come in to interrupt Gunther and Sheamus killing Miz only to hit a bunch of shitty looking offense. Too much rope running in modern Rumbles, and it's practically every damn entrance. The second the match deviates from guys walking around punching each other, it just looks like a series of 20 badly done hot tags. Luckily Xavier Woods comes in to play Bad Eliminators Offense with Kofi. The backsplash and elbowdrop at the end looked good. KARRION KROSS IS STILL HERE? Wild that the Dudley Dudley of Basham Bros. is still here. What's his thing now? Did they take Gable's first name away and then give it back, or did I just assume they were calling him Gable? Karrion Kross is Renegade. I want to root for Escobar but those were some real timing and placing issues during his entrance, does that thing I hate where he comes into a Rumble and just starts working stupid regular match offense. 

Has there not been any kind of roster churn whatsoever in the past year? This is the 2021 roster so far. Okay, Brock is the exact kind of energy this Rumble needed. Rumbles need more desperation and one Really Dangerous Guy in there. RIP Santos, sorry about your hip Chad, touch break on the neck Sheamus. A series of singles matches with not a single swarming dogpile. Are they going with Banger Bros? Rollins and Gargano do the dumbest series of reversals wrestling while Dominik makes his entrance. Dominik has great taste in tights. Did I hear right? Is Balor a Dominik underling? Man what has happened in the past year. A Sheamus/Drew vs. Dominik/Balor straight tag would be really good. 

Damn Booker looks in the exact same shape as he did a decade ago. Is there any old man Booker I need to see from Reality of Wrestling? What has been done to Gunther's back this match? We all love our boys who welt up good. Montez Ford looks huge compared to a year or two ago. He is larger than Dawkins. It doesn't matter how long it's been since I've seen any part of the product, Edge Returns somehow always find me. Maybe I'm an Edge guy now, I don't know. Beth Phoenix will never make the Bull Nakano Pillager haircut look good, it always just makes her look like a Psychlo from Battlefield Earth. Psychlo. I had to look that up. Stupid. I hate the pattern of close placements of current feuds in the Rumble Entrants. Everyone comes out in subsequent entrances, they do their angle, and then everything moves on in two minutes. It's all moments, none of them settle, none of them build. Introduction, Payoff. Sheamus and Drew are at least hitting guys for 45 minutes, everything else gets paid off in minutes. Hardly any elimination teases, which is missed. Braun almost going over actually felt like it had some suspense, just because hardly anyone had come close to being eliminated prior. Everything, or nothing. I love the idea of Logan Paul coming back for revenge on Roman. There are a shocking number of guys on this roster are not as good in the ring as Logan Paul. 

Looks like Cody took about the same amount of time away from WWE as I did. The Logan Paul/Ricochet springboard collision...now THAT'S a moment. That's a spot. Paul went full speed on that. They was a splat! How is Austin Theory even here? What an odd project. It's insane how much better Logan Paul understands what all of this is about. Just shows up ever few months and looks like an old pro. A real performer. Gunther/Cody worked up to a great final, with Gunther hammering on Cody's pec, welting him up good. Perhaps went on too long, but they peaked some moments nicely. The third act of this match was better than the first couple acts. End a 70 minute match strong is better than starting it strong. 

2. The Mountain Dew Pitch Black Match

ER: Boy, for Bray Wyatt is back in the ring for the first time in two years, and I'm hear to witness it? I can really choose 'em. It would be so undignified to take a choke bomb and land on your head surrounded by Spencer's gifts black light posters. Has that popcorn been out there the whole time just because it looks cool getting scattered under black light? Probably a good call. I heard Mountain Dew Pitch Black is citrus flavored which feels feels really incorrect. The market for a good grape soda is wide open. We have sugary citrus sodas. Perfect the grape. Bray looks like the worst worker in a Gringo Loco stable. This was a waste of everyone's time. Uncle Howdy lands 3' wide on the elbow to put a cherry on this shit sundae. 51,338 people all sitting in a dome watching that. 

3. Bianca Belair vs. Alexa Bliss

ER: I cannot believe Bray Wyatt has his hands in this many angles in 2023. How did anybody let this happen?? I like Alexa's kicks to the ribs, but the poorly timed combos offense doesn't play into that, and it makes the control come off cold and out of place. I couldn't believe how quiet the crowd was when Bianca was muscling Bliss around her body to suplex her. Too much of this feels like they're just getting into position for things, and the routine isn't smooth. These combos have no punch at all, no rhythm. This was bad. I don't think there was a single exchange that looked natural or didn't require one of them to hold still in a dumb position. 

4. Women's Rumble Match

ER: Is this match going to be filled with 2021 women in the same way the Men's Rumble was the exact damn same roster? They're still billing Dana Brooke as a strongwoman? She's smaller than Liv Morgan now. Man this is a sloppy mess. It's all half speed move exchanges and half of them look botched. I don't know Roxanne Perez, but she has better energy than anyone else in there right now. Although Rhea did wipe blood on her face. Dakota Kai runs and elbows Liv Morgan in the mouth in her first second in the ring. Man I get Natalya's return too? I am killing it. Natalya's new thinner nose makes her look like a Hemingway sister. I'm glad she didn't go back to the extensions. Are they getting away from extensions now? There's a lot of neon now too. Everything is really bright in that ring. 

Asuka looks incredible. The One mask, the face paint, dance fighting the camera with her body. Iyo Sky is doing a great job staying busy in the background during everyone's entrances. She's just standing over people wailing on them, which is what I want to see. I think I like Chelsea Green more than most but that's fucked. Is this one of those Good Soldier things? I don't know when Raquel went from Gonzalez to Rodriguez but I love her throwing clotheslines. 30 wrestlers who run into the ring and dodge strikes from four other wrestlers in succession. "She's wearing Uggs right now! And she's dealing European uppercuts!" Asuka working ankle locks in the corner on Niven. The Lacey Evans cobra clutch elimination was awesome, Vega just sank to elimination like a rock in a lake. Everyone is doing a lot of weird mute pantomime. Lacey Evans is the only one making sound. I thought the Nia stuff was great, can't believe she was gone for 16 months, but her attitude getting into the ring was perfect. Some of the choreographed stuff at the end, and a bunch of them were good at hanging by the ropes with swinging legs. Ripley was the best throughout, involved in a ton of sequences and showing how much they love winners coming out in the #1 spot. Match picked up down the stretch and I think would have come off stronger if it wasn't as messy in spots. 

5. Roman Reigns vs. Kevin Owens

ER: The time in between matches is too much, but I have appreciated my snack and drink and stretch breaks. Fat elderly cats don't play with themselves. I'm really happy how excited everyone seems for the Sami Zayn angle. I was never an El Generico guy, but around 2020 he started turning into one of my absolute favorite in-ring guys in WWE. All it took was him working more Buck Robley into his style and he became the best. It's tough working a big main event after two 70 minute matches, but these two feel up to it. Owens has nice punches for this kind of match and both are taking the bumps for it. Owens' frog splashes off the apron and off the top landed flush, the cannonball had big impact, and he sold the first Superman punch like a PEZ dispenser. Owens falling off the top rope and landing on Roman's ribs is a happy accident. This was not that, but I miss guys working blown spots into their matches. Chris Hamrick and Juvy were great at it. They should have just played up that it was another attack on Roman's ribs. I never liked Reigns as a trash talker, but I think he's great as the stoic asskicker. The gray in his beard silent looks are a great vibe, and when he's flashing the dead eyes at his own boys it can be real cold. The beatdown went long but I liked it. The pop Sami got sounded great in a big stadium, and then the real hate Roman drew after. Long, but strong ending. 

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