Segunda Caida

Phil Schneider, Eric Ritz, Matt D and occasional guests write about pro wrestling. Follow us @segundacaida

Friday, March 17, 2017

Thinking of Installing Solar Panels? Read This Berzerker Review First


"Berzerker! Mr. Fuji! It's Summerslam, and Mr. Fuji if you try to interfere, the great spirits will let me know, and I will get you! And Berzerker, I am going to scalp you with a tomahawk chop!" ~Tatanka


53. Berzerker vs. Tatanka - WWF Summerslam 8/29/92

The war between two different historical savages, both fighting to prove whose God is more powerful. Berzerker, representing Odin, versus Tatanka, representing....well, I have no idea what specific God Tatanka's tribe worships so we'll just assume Tatanka is a godless savage. Odin versus NOTHINGNESS! Noted lovable Romanian scamp Emil Cioran once said "The deepest and most organic death is death in solitude, when even light becomes a principle of death. In such moments you will be severed from life, from love, smiles, friends and even from death. And you will ask yourself if there is anything besides the nothingness of the world and your own nothingness." Holy shit! That's what Berzerker is up against!?!? AND I didn't even realize this match existed until today! And this makes me feel real bad for Berzerker, as it means his Bulldog match got scrapped from Mania, and THEN his Tatanka match got scrapped from Summerslam! That's cold shit right there. There are four PPVs a year and he's the only guy to get scrapped from TWO of them! But the match was taped and it's a hoot! It's only 5 minutes, but they use the time well and craft a super fun match. Tatanka was insanely protected during his WWF run, so Berzerker spends much of the match putting over Tatanka. Berzerker was very generous when he was against a top babyface. They open with a knucklelock test of strength, and it ends awesomely with Tatanka muscling Berzerker back, leading to his fast backwards bump to the floor. Later he gets his leg kicked out and does his splits bump that fills me with such joy. His control segments are a blast as it's in Wembley so there's tons of people and the ring is up on a platform, so Berzerker drags him to ringside and down the platform into the aisle and slams him (and then later on gets slammed himself), and in the ring plants him with his great falling slam. When Tatanka starts being filled with the strength and spirits of all his vanquished ancestors, Berzerker is great about flopping around for tomahawk chops, but once Tatanka goes into his Indian trance in 1992, brother there is zero chance he's being beaten.

54. Berzerker vs. Bret Hart - WWF Wrestling Challenge 10/13/92

This match could have been so much better! I mean, they had a great match a year before this, and this was a matter of not just time constraints (it was 4 minutes, the other match was 11), but also Bret being fairly lazy with the match structure. He didn't give Berzerker a lot of offense, but had to get all of his trademark shit in: the atomic drop, the back breaker, flying forearm, russian legsweep, elbow off the middle, Sharpshooter; he got all of it. Berzerker got hardly any of his shit in (though he did get in a wicked delayed piledriver, which was admittedly the best), but he bumped like Bret was a king. His best bump was early on when Bret grabs him by his mane and throws him out backwards over the top to the floor; but it's easy to appreciate how he bumps for moves, like the way he arches his back in pain after taking the back breaker, flopping for a forearm, held his balls after the atomic drop, etc. He could have been much more selfish with his size, but he's just too much of a nice guy. No. No, Bret's the selfish jerk here.

55. Berzerker vs. Buck Zumhofe - WWF 10/26/92

Classic AWA rivalry resumed! After six dormant years! They retired it, buried it, but the fan demand was TOO HIGH and they practically OWED it to the fans to revive it. It would have been rude to NOT give them this match, this match what they wanted so devastatingly. Also, this officially makes Berzerker the Conqueror of the Child Molesters. We saw him beat down ginger kid diddler Dave Millison in July '91, and now he puts the boots to an arguable Top 3 shitbag in pro wrestling history (#2 tops)!! Buck Zumhofe can die a miserable death, and it made me wish Berzerker had stiffed him more. Berzerker goes fairly gentle on him, as it's probable that they are friends from AWA, so Berzerker throws him a bone by not doing his meanest moves to him. It must be tough to go from being treated like a top guy, to a few years later losing 2 minute matches. Berzerker was too nice. He did slam him back first into the ringpost, but that's a meager concession.

56. Berzerker vs. John Paul - WWF Wrestling Challenge 11/22/92

If you showed up to these reviews for as much HUSSing as you could possibly handle, then this is the match for you. I'm confident that this is Berzerker's highest HPMS (Huss Per Match Second) I've seen. John Paul is merely handsome window dressing, there to eat a couple of big boots to the side of his face. No, this match was much more about Berzerker fully engaging the crowd with HUSSes, almost getting to a WHAT level of call and response, just working that free jazz call and response aesthetic with his HUSSing. John Paul would get pinned by a long delayed falling slam (I wonder if certain jobbers informed the office or Nord that they couldn't take a bump to the floor, and that's what lead to them being pinned? Who knows!? I need to figure out a way to interview Nord for this project), but the fans wanted the HUSS action, and the fans got HUSSed. Tonight, HUSS was for the people.

"My Berzerker is ready for YOU Crush! He's made to crush you apart" ~Mr. Fuji

"YEAAAHH CRUSH! You really like to crush things! Well I'll tell you what I'm gonna do to you, is I'm gonna slam you on that cement, and I'm gonna crush your back, and we're gonna see if you can get up! And if you do get up Crush, I got a sword, and I'm gonna use it!" ~Berzerker

57. Berzerker vs. Crush - WWF Smack 'Em Whack 'Em 11/23/92

Oh my god this was GOOD! Kona Crush was one of my least liked guys in WWF. I hated his look, hated his fluffy frosted mullet, hated his chubby baby fat face. Crush was not a wrestler I looked forward to seeing. But this was arguably the most I have enjoyed him, and we can point directly to Berzerker as the reason. Berzerker put over Crush's strength HUGE, and it was great. They do a couple tests of strength, one ending with Berzerker getting thrown backwards and taking his fast backwards bump over the top to the floor, and then a shoulderblock exchange sees him also quickly whip himself over to the floor. I love that bump. Berzerker comes back in with a big boot and the Crush admirably takes his own bump to the floor, opting to go out through the middle ropes but taking it more like a luchador, which looked weird but cool. Berzerker controls things with these great annoying boots to the head, not letting Crush get to his feet, just stalking around him and needling him with these push kicks. He hits a big delayed piledriver, and it's a shame (and also logical) that he didn't break out the piledriver more as he has a nice one. He misses the big kneedrop which gives Crush an opening, and Crush hits a really nice atomic drop and a side slam, before squeezing Berzerker's head until he passed out. I was realllllly hoping for one minor Berzerker comeback during the head squeeze, such as him looking as if he might fight out of it, before eventually succumbing. It did take Crush awhile to finish him with the vice, so perhaps we were supposed to be interpreting that as Berzerker fighting through it, but I would have liked that visually represented better. Still, this match was so good, which is a strong upgrade over every single online review I found. Those reviews collectively described this match as essentially the saddest fart sound in the world. And they were wrong. If anything, this was a joyous, confident, trumpeting fart sound, delivered in front of your friends and family, who would go on to share in your joy.


COMPLETE & ACCURATE BERZERKER



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