Segunda Caida

Phil Schneider, Eric Ritz, Matt D and occasional guests write about pro wrestling. Follow us @segundacaida

Friday, February 24, 2017

Berzerker Beat the Dead Man Using This One Weird Trick




"Undertaker, Paul Bearer, my Berzerker issue challenge to YOU, Undertaker. Upon BEATING you, Undertaker, I, Mr. Fuji, will have a personal Viking funeral for you two. Undertaker, Paul Bearer, you'll be cremated!!" ~Mr. Fuji

42. Berzerker vs. Mark Roberts - Superstars 4/8/92

Roberts is a big guy, billed at 270 and looking close to it, with a physique like Michael Elgin. He starts by going for a lock up, so Berzker just pump kicks him in the chest in nasty fashion. Then he hits a kneedrop, leg drop, and finishes with the slam. Roberts had the size, but was a real cold fish in bed, just lying there motionless after moves. Sell it a little, Mark. IMPORTANT: Berzerker wins with the falling slam, the first time he's actually pinned a jobber. Even MacMahon notes that it is something new from the Berzerker.

"Ohhhhhh Berzerker and Mr. Fuji, what a fatal mistake you've made, and now next week you'll pay the price!" ~Paul Bearer

"Throughout the annals of time, man has had to face his destiny. You face your destiny and your death on the same day." ~Undertaker

"Undertaker, you fell for trap, and next week you're gonna pay for it!" ~Mr. Fuji

"Undertaker, they say you're not human! Well Undertaker, I'm berserk, and whatever don't kill me makes me stronger! Undertaker, I'm gonna stomp you into the stinkin' dust where you came from!" ~Berzerker

43. Berzerker vs. Undertaker - Superstars 4/25/92

I loved this. Probably more than anybody should. But it was 2 minutes long and absolutely perfect. Before the bell Berzerker jumps Paul Bearer and bashes him with his shield, with Bearer taking a wild bump to the floor. Then Berzerker clunks Undertaker a couple times with the shield, real hard shots from an awkward pointy looking shield. Then, he gets out his Viking sword. He hits Taker with the broadside of the sword and then, in an amazing spot, lifts the sword above his head with both hands and plunges it towards Taker's chest, with Taker rolling out of the way and the sword sticking vertically out of the mat (where it will stay for the rest of the match). The two collide on a shoulderblock and then Nord clotheslines Taker over the top, then hits a great double axe handle off the apron. He tosses Taker around on the floor, tears up the ring mat, and blasts Undertaker with a piledriver on the concrete! Berzerker starts flipping out, takes off his loincloth, and Fuji walks him to the back, but then Taker sits up and starts walking after Berzerker, with Berzerker flipping out even more! Holy shit!! That just made me want to see their whole house show run, and then their PPV blowoff that doesn't exist!!

"Undertaker, I told you!" Mr. Fuji

"Undertaker, the Berzerker proved you ARE human. Undertaker, the Berzerker got his shield on you! Undertaker, the Berzerker got his hands on you! Undertaker, the Berzerker got his boots on you! Undertaker, I smashed your head into the stinkin' cement, and next time...I'm not gonna take it easy on you!" ~Berzerker

"Ohhhh Mr. Fuji and the Berzerker, ohhh you tried to steal our urn, you tried to drive your sword through the body of the Undertaker last week. It's going to be over for you!" ~Paul Bearer

"When you knocked at the Devil's door, did you expect the Reaper? Berzerker, Mr. Fuji, rest in peace." ~Undertaker

(one week later)

"Paul Bearer, when my Berzerker eliminates your Undertaker, I will put your remains in your urn!" ~Mr. Fuji

"Undertaker! How'd it feel to have someone like the Berzerker go berzerk on you!? You didn't get away from the shield, Undertaker! You got away from the sword, Undertaker. But I guarantee you next time, I'm gonna harpoon you, Undertaker! Cuz I tell you what, I closed a lot of men's eyes, too. Undertaker, I can't wait to get my hands and sword on you!" ~Berzerker

"Ohhh Mr. Fuji, what you had your Berzerker do was unforgiveable. You tried to steal our urn! You tried to put the sword into the body of my Undertaker! You'll pay!!" ~Paul Bearer

"The crimes...committed against this body...are unimportant. The body is only a tool in which the soul will use. Now, Berzerker, I'll destroy your body, and I'll possess your soul...for alllll of eternity." ~Undertaker

44. Berzerker vs. Scott Taylor - Superstars 4/29/92


The rematch we've been waiting almost 8 months for!! Taylor has gotten a little wiser, his mullet has grown a little longer, maybe added a little size, obviously he's watched some tape of the Berzerker. And in watching those tapes he's picked up on secrets, he's picked up on weaknesses, things he's noticed that can beat the Berzerker. Knowing this, he gets booted right in the forehead to start, then bieled across the ring. And then bieled again. And then also again. Huh. Taylor eats a Bruiser Brody type bodyslam, kneedrop, legdrop, standing splash...his time spent in the tape room is failing him. And, Berzerker throws him to the floor, Taylor accepting his fate and not even grabbing the top rope on his way down. As he gains his footing on the floor, Berzerker does back bumps in celebration. For Taylor, additional research will have to be conducted.

"Undertaker, my Berzerker stopped you in your own tracks" ~Mr. Fuji

"Undertaker, I told you we were the most dangerous men in the WWF! Undertaker, I told you I was the toughest man in the WWF! How did it feel to get your head caved in on the cement! Undertaker, I can't WAIT for the witching hour!" ~Berzerker

(next week)

"Ohhhhhh Mr. Fuji and the Berzerker. You tried to put an end to my Undertaker; the piledriver on the concrete floor, the sword, now you'll PAY!" ~Paul Bearer

"Berzerker...froms simple minds come simple acts. You attacked the body, but the soul is eternal..." ~Undertaker

45. Berzerker vs. Glen Ruth - Superstars 4/29/92

Berzerker is truly making mince meat out of the individual members of Attitude era tag teams. I don't remember Ruth as such a big spring-y bumper when he was Headbanger Thrasher. His bumps are kind of same-y but they have some snap to them, like when he bumps a lariat up around his shoulders. He also lands super hard on the floor, getting tossed over the top. Crazy to think Ruth had a few appearance on WWE TV LAST YEAR. When watching Berzerker crush him I'm sure we were all anticipating a 25 year career for him. 

"Undertaker and Paul Bearer, my Berzerker stopped you Undertaker, right in your tracks. And let me tell you Undertaker, how do you feel to be punished and insulted?" ~Mr. Fuji

"Undertaker, how did it feel to have your head concaved against the stinkin' cement!? I told the people all along I was the toughest man in the WWF, I told 'em, and now there's not doubt in their minds that WE are the most dangerous men in the World Wrestling Federation. Undertaker, next time when I go to stab you, I ain't missing!" ~Berzerker

46. Berzerker/King Haku/Guerrero Del Futuro vs. Genichiro Tenryu/Ashura Hara/Ultimo Dragon - SWS 5/20/92

This is not actually that strange of a trios lineup, compared to what WAR/SWS can famously spit out; These teams are pretty common sense, two big bosses on each team, and one flier. I didn't remember Hara getting so large before he retired, here he's a couple more months of snacking away from being John Tenta...but fat Hara is still awesome Hara, duh. Gaijin team is really fun, with Phil's old commentary partner/Black Terry partner Guerrero del Futuro, and a noticeably less bulky Berzerker and Haku. Late '92 saw a lot of WWF guys with suddenly deflated physiques. It's kind of jarring to see the shift. Berzerker was probably the second largest guy in WWF around this time, second only to Warlord, and here he looks closer to Donovan Dijak (who is muscular but not jacked like 1991 Warlord/Berzerker) and Haku is clearly way softer around the middle. That must have been a weird time to be a backstage fly on the wall in WWF. But the match is predictably a blast, with plenty of neat dynamics and satisfyingly stiff work. It's funny how time changes things, as my early WAR show purchases 18+ years ago were to see Ultimo Dragon, and now he is always one of the guys I least look forward to seeing on WAR shows. He's fine here, but I can't help but notice how much I get excited for any combo of the other 5 guys. But Futuro and Ultimo work together nicely, which makes sense. Futuro mostly acts as base for him, with both spilling admirably into the crowd off an Asai moonsault. Futuro does get one cool piece of offense on him, a kind of running cannonball: instead of hitting a crossbody while both were rope running, he kind of half somersaults into him, landing back first and sideways while on the run. It looked trippy and cool, someone should steal it.

There was a strange thing happening between Berzerker/Tenryu, as it really felt like Tenryu didn't take him seriously, and instead wanted to work with Haku. Tenryu would always kind of brush him off, quickly dispose of him and demand Haku. I didn't mind as he and Haku beat the shit out of each other. Haku was a monster here, and pretty much always looks like a monster in his WAR/SWS stuff. I don't think any version of Haku comes close to the badass he unleashes in WAR. Still, even with Tenryu not really giving him tons, Berzerker bumps big for him, including taking his wildly fast bump to the floor off a mean Tenryu lariat, then flipping out and dangerously throwing a table around ringside. Hara and Haku bring the headbutts, and this match has a little bit of everything: Flying, stiff strikes, big bumps, unique match-ups. You know, pretty much what you want out of WAR/SWS. It didn't really build or go anywhere, but you don't always watch WAR/SWS for build, you typically watch for old lumpy sump and rugby guys smashing each other in the face, and that happened plenty. Always awesome.

"Undertaker, Ultimate Warrior, you're look at the two biggest men in the World Wrestling Federation, controlled by the sickest man in the World Wrestling Federation! Now what kind of chance do you think you two got, when US two get our hands on your cold, stinkin' flesh. And Warrior, the muscles and the screamin' ain't gonna get it done!" ~Berzerker

"Ultimate Warrior, the curse has been put on you. YOU have stepped into my black circle, and that circle is closing...on you." ~Papa Shango

"Let the heavens FALL below, and let hell RISE with the Undertaker. And as they meet, let the entire universe set itself afire! For the curse you have Papa Shango, and the freak of nature you have brought in the Berzerker, is of no challenge, no purpose to what I live for, and what this man will die for." ~Ultimate Warrior

"Gentleman what you must understand, is that we fought through the lights of the sky, and we purged below to the depths of hell. We battled 'til no man could comprehend the final end. Now you Shango, Berzerker, will falllll." ~Undertaker

47. Berzerker vs. Bruce Mitchell - Superstars 6/1/92

Remember when UWF used a jobber they named Davey Meltzer? Is this just ACTUALLY Bruce Mitchell? I'm going to pretend it is. It may be. I know nothing about his pre-wrestling journalist career. Bruce Mitchell is a pretty cold fish in the ring though. He eats two big falling slams, a big legdrop, boot to the chest, weenies out on the bump to the floor, quits his dreams of being a pro wrestler, and focuses on writing about wrestling for a living. Perhaps this was some sort of stab at George Plimpton style participatory journalism? Also, perhaps it was a different person.

"Undertaker, they said you were unstoppable. Well I stopped you COLD, just like your rotten flesh! Undertaker, you get close to me, and I'm gonna take your stinkin' head off! Undertaker, you go get the Ultimate Warrior now huh!? Undertaker, you two ain't gonna look real big at the feet of me and Papa! You ain't gonna look real big when the devious one sics us on you, are you? Huss!" ~Berzerker

"Ultimate Warrior, the spell has been put on you. You have SEEN the powers of Papa Shango. Undertaker, you are not above reproach. You DABBLE in the SPIRITS. You know nothing about death." ~Papa Shango

"Deep six. Unnatural black magic. Undertaker, I have had cause to walk in your world and try and understand. I shall let the past be the past for you Papa Shango, and the Berzerker from years past. You know by now, that the combination of the Ultimate Warrior, and the grave walker Undertaker is something more deadly than you could ever deal with."  ~Ultimate Warrior

"Since making the WWF my personal burial ground, I've chosen my souls very carefully. Now you've conjured up all that is evil and all that is good. The end is near." ~Undertaker


COMPLETE & ACCURATE BERZERKER



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