Segunda Caida

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Tuesday, February 21, 2017

73 Shockingly Great Berzerker Matches. #16 is Unnerving!

12. Berzerker vs. Larry Williams - Superstars 5/28/91

Larry Williams looks like sad John Oates. This was when he was still Larry Williams: Wrestler and Carpet Salesman, before he just became Larry Williams: Carpet Salesman (I assume). He has a full head of hair and a bushy mustache, but other than that he is uninteresting. Berzerker drops a big knee to the chest, and Larry weenies out by grabbing the top rope on his ride down to the floor. IMPORTANT: This was the first squash match that Berzerker did not do a plancha to the floor after victory.

13. Berzerker vs. Jerry Stevens - Wrestling Challenge 5/29/91

Jerry Stevens looks like a guy who needs a beating. Big ol' round head and Kenny G perm. And Berzerker just walks right up to him and thrust kicks him right to the chin. Stevens flips admirably. And then gets the falling slam as a reward for leaning into that boot. And then a second falling slam. Berzerker wanders around the ring throwing kicks, then launches Stevens over the top to the floor for the win. Stevens is the first guy to weenie out of the fall as he grabs the top rope on his way down. Celebrating the win, he rope runs a bunch and takes some back bumps.

Prime Time Wrestling 6/10/91:

Bobby Heenan: "I'm you're friend! He don't like you (pointing to Vince), but I do."
Mr. Fuji: "This...is my Berzerker. Whatever master wants, he do for master. Right?"
Berzerker: That's right! Whatever Master Fuji wants, Master Fuji gets! If Master Fuji wants an eye out, he gets an eye out! If Master Fuji wants me to kick them upside the head, he gets it upside the head! Only Master Fuji controls me. He's my commai...commai...communication. And I'll tell you something else, you know I see all these pretty, tanned weight lifters around here, walking around [note: The WBF PPV was coming up was being hyped all through this episode]. LISTEN! You can lay on those tanning beds, but I lay on icebergs. You know what I'm saying? You can do all that stuff. You can lift 600 pounds? Well I lift up MASTODONS! Huss! Huss! That's right, I lift up mastodons! I don't need weights! I'll fight 'em to the end, and me and Master Fuji won't be stopped. Because whatever Master Fuji wants, he gets. Huss! Huss!"
Vince: "Mr. Fuji you ummmm, you seem to know...oriental. You seem to know oriental culture. Why don't you uhhh tell us everything you know about vikings."
Mr. Fuji: "Let me tell you. This Berzerker has a lot of big horns, a lot of metal..."
Berzerker: Hey there's two types of people in this world! You're either a Berzerker, or you're one of the nameless rabble of victims!!" [note: a VIKING literally just cut a promo, correctly using the word "rabble"]

(break)

Vince: "We're back with more Prime Time, Bobby Brain, Mr. Fuji and uhhh the Berzerker!"
Fuji: "Nooooow it time, for traditional Viking ceremony."
Berzerker: "I LOVE IT! YES!"
Vince: "It looks like you brought some props with you I see over here..."
Fuji: "All we need now, is one intelligent person, from audience."
Heenan: "You need somebody from the audience? Hey, Jamison!
(Berzerker yanks Jamison out of the crowd by his suit lapels and drags him to the floor)
Heenan: "Well, this is going to be fun."
Vince: "Hey what are you guys doing here?"
(Berzerker begins tying Jamison to a wood stake)
Vince: "What is a traditional Viking ceremony?"
Heenan: Well uh, he ties him to a stake it looks like, and uh..."
Vince: Mr. Fuji explain this traditional Viking ceremony."
Fuji: "Now you all see what Berzerker is all about!"
Vince: "This Viking ritual will continue, but for now let's watch some IRS!"

(break)

(we return to the studio with Jamison completely tied, tightly, to the stake and Berzerker spreading out hay all around the stake, while rubbing two sticks together)
Vince: "Hey this is no joke here, what are you trying to do light a fire?"
Heenan: "Here, you need this (hands Fuji a lighter)
(Berzerker can't figure out how to use the lighter, gets upset and starts kicking the hay around everywhere, then lifts Jamison over his shoulder and walks out of the studio with him still tied to the stake)

(break)

(much later in the show, we return to the studio)
Vince: (looking off camera) "Speaking of...you...we uh, have the Berzerker? We have found the Berzerker and I think uhhhh I think Jamison is with the Berzerker. Earlier on he was uhhh...they're up on the roof!"

(We then cut to a clip of Berzerker running across a roof, with Jamison still tied to a stake and over his shoulder, and Berzerker throws Jamison off the roof! They cut back to the studio immediately and Vince is doing his wide eyed gulp face. Heenan is making the same face.)
Vince: "Folks I don't know about that one. Uhhhhhh, we'll take a break. I don't know about that one at all. I think he got a little carried away."

(Jamison is shown being pushed through a hallway on a stretcher, with Sean Mooney chasing after him with a mic)
Mooney: "Well by a twisted turn of fate, after the Berzerker tossed Jamison off the roof, he landed in a dumpster, and that seems to be exactly what saved his life. Jamison, are you hurt?"
Jamison: (screams, boxes tip over and fall onto him while he's on the stretcher)
Mooney: "It looks like he may get more hurt on the way to the hospital! That's all I know right now, Vince, let's get back to you."

14. Berzerker vs. Jimmy Snuka - MSG 7/1/91

A viking versus an actual murderer! Two murderers from two completely different parts of history. Wow. And the match is fun! Snuka has pretty lousy offense at this point, but he sees Berzerker bumping around for him and decides to have a bump off. It starts with Berzerker taking his big backwards bump to the floor off a clothesline, and back in the ring Snuka eats a big boot, then literally runs across the ring holding his face, and leaps over the top to the floor, catching his neck on the bottom rope on his way down. What? Snuka doesn't make for a very interesting "name" opponent, as his offense isn't very plausible against Berzerker, and he doesn't seem down to take some of Berzerker's nastier moves. The finish is Snuka hitting a crossbody, but Berzerker rolls through and gets the pin. So his finisher against jobbers is tossing them to the floor for a count out, but we've now seen him with with a reversed crossbody and knee drop off the middle against names. VIKING advances in the bracket of historical murderers.

15. Berzerker vs. Chi Chi Cruz - Superstars 7/9/91

Oh wow Chi Chi Cruz is all hair metal'd out, zebra tights and flowing teased mane, glittery kimono. He looks like a touring keyboardist for Enuff Z'Nuff. Chi Chi could take this one. He, however, did not take this one. He eats a chokeslam and a falling powerslam, and takes one of the more impressive throws to the floor. This is three squashes in a row that he did not do his awesome plancha to the floor after the win, so I'm afraid it's been eliminated from his repertoire at this point. IMPORTANT: This was the debut of Berzerker's brown tunic, which has a better cut (looks less like a dress with the belt off) and is a more appropriate color scheme than his sapphire tunic.

16. Berzerker vs. Greg Valentine - Prime Time Wrestling 7/15/91

The match that started this whole project and made me want to seek out ALL of the Berzerker. And this is all weird and awesome and just makes me happy that it happened. We get babyface Greg Valentine, which is a thing that hardly happened in his career, and something I didn't realize ever happened in WWF. Even in the pre-match graphic he's just presented as "The Hammer" like he's some Fred Williamson cult icon who the fans have always cheered. And they really do cheer for Valentine in this, a lot! Berzerker starts things great by launching himself at Valentine with his nice horizontal flying shoulderblock, but Valentine moves and Berzerker flies perfectly horizontal straight into the turnbuckles. Just a perfect straight line. And from there we get some no nonsense stiff chops from Valentine, Berzerker throwing some big ones back, Valentine taking his trademark face first bumps (that doesn't work whatsoever as a babyface, but oh well) and then more Berzerker bump freak glory as Valentine starts kicking his legs out, and Berzerker starts hopping in amusing ways as Valentine throws leg kicks, and then unexpectedly Berzerker lands in the splits after one of the hops, like a giant Viking James Brown (white James Brown would be called Jim White, perhaps?). We get more of Berzerker's awesome trademark bumps that I didn't use to realize were trademark bumps, like his super fast bump to the floor when getting clotheslines over the top. It's a real impressive bump as he's so large, and so hirsute, that you just see hair and beard and fur boots flying violently to the floor. And that's how this goes. Most Berzerker matches end in a count out because he throws his opponent to the floor, here Valentine goes after Fuji and Berzerker gives chase, eventually smacking Valentine with Fuji's cane. Before that it looked like Valentine was actually going over clean, which would have been Berzerker's first televised loss. Berzerker had missed a big boot and crotched himself on the top rope, Valentine dropped a couple of beautiful elbows and set up the figure 4, before Fuji distracted him. This was just the super fun pinnacle of wild bumps, stiff strikes and overall ridiculousness. And it showed that while I love Berzerker's offense (shame he doesn't often use the cravate he used a bunch in this match), he seems to be at his best working underneath for a fired up babyface. The more unhinged side comes out when his opponent is actually good at fighting back. What a cool little discovery.

17. Berzerker vs. Dave Millison - Superstars 7/29/91

Dave Millison bums me out. He's a pudgy ginger in a navy singlet, with voluminous tight curls, like Weird Al in UHF. Just a pasty, chubby ginger Weird Al. A quick google search pulls up a registered child molester named Dave Millison, who HONESTLY could be the same guy. Flash forward 20 years, give him more of a Chuck Liddell haircut....man this is close. This taping was in Massachusetts and this guy is registered in Texas...but man this looks like it could be the guy. STYLE BATTLE: Viking vs. Child Molester!! And the registered sex offender doesn't put up much of a fight. He does a nice faceplant bump after a big boot, falling forward with his arms at his sides. I assume he gets distracted by a young boy in the front row wearing an amazing Kerry Von Erich ringer tee, as Berzerker lifts and tosses Millison to the floor. Millison holds onto that top rope more than anybody so far, and the jokes on him because it completely throws off what would have been a clean landing, and instead lands him right on his knee, which he then immediately clutches.

18. Berzerker vs. Ken Johnson - Wrestling Challenge 8/4/91

Killer tracking problem on this link. Super glad this guy decided to fight the good fight and take the time to upload it anyway. The world needed this ONLY documentation of THEE Ken Johnson taking on the Berzerker. And it's kind of worth it. Johnson gets absurd height on the chokeslam, the powerslams are both crazy, and he takes a nasty bump on his knee/hip to the floor. You couldn't really see what he looked like in the face due to the video quality, but Berzerker does not study their faces either. He understands they are just faceless victims, obstacles that get in the way of his pillaging. Video quality matters not, to the Berzerker.

19. Berzerker vs. Kerry Davis - Superstars 8/19/91

Davis has DayGlo green tights with purple snaking around the knees and pristine white boots. He looks like Jamie Dundee with a gorgeous mullet. His long silky dirty blonde locks cascade past his shoulders, as he tells his barber to do the rest of his hair on the "4" setting. He instructs the barber to do this while admiring his slender handlebar mustache in the mirror, noticing that the mustache does not connect somewhere around the corners of his mouth, for he cannot grow a proper mustache. Berzerker honors his successes and failings by doing a front kick right to his chin, dropping him with a powerslam, hitting a knee off the middle rope, and tossing him to the floor, landing him right on his hip. Kerry Davis, it would seem, never had any sort of chance. Not in this match, not in this life.

20. Berzerker vs. Ron Cumberledge - Wrestling Challenge 8/20/91

Cumberledge, much like Russ Greenberg later on, is a man with a great build, bubblegum pink tights, who seemed to get no shot whatsoever. Cumberledge has some good size, and has the "look" Vince adores, so no idea why he went nowhere. He didn't stand out much against Berzerker, but he didn't sandbag him at all. Berzerker tries a couple new things we haven't seen him do, a big splash off the middle rope and a grounded choke, and Cumberledge takes a mean spill after getting chucked to the floor. Anybody have info on this guy?

"I'm the guy that only Master Fuji controls! I'm the guy who breaks bones! I'm the guy who's gonna get his hands on ya! I'm the Berzerker! Huss! Huss!" ~The Berzerker

21. Berzerker vs. Scott Taylor - Superstars 9/9/91

It's weird watching this and thinking "who was a bigger star 7 years later?" And you have one guy almost completely out of wrestling, and the other beginning a gimmick that would keep him in indie bookings through present day. Yep, Scott Taylor has now officially had a career longer than John Nord's. By a decade. Taylor looks like a young Shawn Michaels here, and bumps admirably for Berzerker. He goes down hard from a huge chop, leans face first into a thrust kick, gets big air on a chokeslam, nice spill getting thrown to the floor; Berzerker held him up for the falling powerslam far longer than he holds most guys, then gives him another.

"My favorite time of year is Fall. It's a greeeaaaat season, especially for Berzerker. His opponents will fall, one by one IN DEFEAT!" ~Mr. Fuji

22. Berzerker vs. Bill Pierce - Wrestling Challenge 9/10/91

Pierce is Chris Michaels, quality pro wrestler who never really went anywhere. Here he takes a bunch of rapid back bumps for Berzerker, and takes a nice spill into the guardrail after getting tossed to the floor. Berzerker does a great thrust kick, and brings back his nice high legdrop (two of them!) that he hasn't used in several months. However, I've noticed these last few matches that he no longer ties his opponent up in the ropes and boots them in the face. He now ties them in the ropes and kicks them in the chest. It's not a major difference, but I wonder what happened. It's possible somebody that he booted right under the chin complained. I wonder why he stopped doing the planchas. Safety? Because they were hard on his frame? So many questions.

More Tomorrow!

COMPLETE & ACCURATE BERZERKER


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