Accentuate the Negative!

Phil Schneider is soooooo fucking positive, always praising his CMLL tournaments (that fucker has a soft spot for tourament lucha like Japanese men love average looking American women...or is that the other way...) and TNA cage matches and hairless boy rope running and 2.9999999 he got him no he didn't whattamanoooover high angle rydeeen super mega Konami Mega Man 2 code Dr. Wily contra Symphony of the Night Metroid Prime Bomb!!!!11!!eleven!

The point is that Phil Schneider loves everything. There isn't a New Japan 3rd match house show duddd that he doesn't toast a load all over, and it sickens me to fucking death. This man watches TNA Knockout matches and hails them as the second coming of heel Tori Wilson (who as we all know had the 29th best punches in 2003 WWE syndicated matchez). Phil loves him some Ryan Reynolds-style indie wrestling, all *winkwinknudgenudge* smile into the hard camera-ima-heel-doncha-know-Sarah-Palin-3-invisible-dicks RDRR wraaaaasssslin!!!! Superkick/rolll da dice/lung blower.

Phil Schneider is an intolerable asshole who loves everything. It makes me sick. Phil loved the David Bowie/Mick Jagger "Dancin in the Streets" video. He loved Bowie soiling himself wearing pastel sports coats with big shoulder pads and dancing like Carlton from Fresh Prince. Bowie made Station to Station!!!! He made Low!!!! Always crashing the same car!!!! And Phil loved that fucking awful cover song!!! Phil Schneider loved Lou Reed from 1986-1992 when he had that fucking horrible mullet and still pretends Metal Machine Music is "a masterpiece...right up there with Bob Dylan's early 80s religious period or that time he played with the Grateful Dead. Dylan & the Dead is an all-time legendary piece of ART".

Phil Schneider is completely unbearable. He is incorrigable. This man trickz us!!! He pretends wrestling is AMAZING and LIFE AFFIRMING, when it isn't even 1 STAR!! He thought Scorpio vs. CW Anderson wuz good because CW was selling incredibly and Scorpio was pacing his offense, but realistically CW's knees were so shot that he couldn't get up for spotspotspotspot and Scorpio was lucky just to get his old man ass up to the top rope and the crowd was just being polite to these old fuckers that tried to use SY CALL OH GEE and U KANT RESSLE clapclapclapclapclap.

I hate Phil Schneider.

I hate him championing every flash-in-the-pan in dee werkur to grace my TV set or Mac Book monituuur. "This guy throws a great spine buster, he's better the Owen Hart evur wuz. Chris Masters never fell 80 feet to his death during a live event! What a choke artist! Chris Masters is good at playing his role! Owen Hart was washed up in 1986 after his 3rd match with Makhan Singh. I woulda killed John Cassavetes after he made "Faces" because who gives a flying fuck about the gloriousness that is "Love Streams"!?!?!?!

Well GUESS WHAT SCHNEIDER!?!?! Love Streams is fucking amazing! And The Killing of a Chinese Bookie? Fucking Amaaaazing!!! a Woman Under the Influence!? You KNOW that is awesome!!!

We don't need to listen to the Phil Schneiders of the world, always being positive and loving every single minute of the PRO grappz that is put in front of him! That dude loves EVRYthing!!! That guy was just gushing about that new Julia Roberts flick the other day "Oh mah gawd you guys, she is just a real woman who was so fed up with life and she just needed to go find herself! She had needz that weren't being met and she was going on a spiritual journey until she found wut she was looking for."

Man. Fuck that guy! amirite!

Fit Finlay is the greatest fucking wrestler that this planet has ever seen, and you know it! This man did not wrestle from his 42nd birthday until his 48th birthday, and somehow he returned better than he had ever been in HIS WHOLE CAREER!!! And for that, he has been kept off TV almost all of 2010. JTG has had PPV matches in 2010, and Finlay has to beg for table scraps, just to get occasional house show gigs opening cards in Scotland.

Dustin Rhodes is the skinniest he's been since Sophomore year in high school, hitting the greatest atomic drops the business has ever seen, taking wild missed crossbody bumps psychotically into the ropes, and somehow the best he can do is jobbing to one of the OOOSSSOOHHHs with their "shittiest-Samoan-evar" offense.

Chris Masters has abs and knows how to work better than all but one or two of the active WWE roster, and the best he can do is get billed 2nd from the top on the lowest rated WWE show of the week, all because he lost 30 lb. when he went off da joooos and his hair was thinning at one point in 2007. This dude will take a flat back bump from the apron to concrete like he was Nicho El Milonario working a Tijuana house show and a chick with a .8 Kardashian ass was sitting front row and he had a wide open passenger seat for his long overnight car trip to Ensenada.

I'm sick on Jon Fitch, I'm sick of Gray Maynard, I'm sick of GSP, all I want is to be able to show my girlfriend punches in wrestling that look like a dude is actually punching another dude, and all I get is Kofi Kingston giving me facial expressions that tell me "Fuck. Everybody knows. Everybody knows that I have no clue what the fuck I'm doing. I'm a complete phony and I don't even know what a punch is. I have never seen a human being punch another human being before. The closest I have seen is Matt Bentley punching RVD in a Create-A-Wretsler match on Smackdown vs. Raw 2008, and I GUESS those were suppozed ta be punchez but I justdontknow! Goddamit I justdontnoooooo!"

Phil Schneider. How perfectly goddamn delightful it all is, to be sure. I hope you enjoy your 2.9999999 counts.