1990 Andre Remains Undefeated, 1990 Hansen is Unmoved, 1990 Funk is Ponytail Terry

Andre the Giant/Terry Funk/Dory Funk Jr. vs. Stan Hansen/Joel Deaton/Dan Spivey AJPW 12/1/90 - EPIC

ER: I love this. It's 8 minutes long and every second is great. It has numerous peaks from all six men, efficiently mixing and maximizing several different pairings, playing perfectly into the natural hierarchy. You know this is going to end with Joel Deaton being pinned by somebody, you know the second Deaton is left in the ring that we are close to the end, but those facts do not diminish a single exchange because often what should happen happens for a reason. The match has everything, including my three favorite pro wrestlers all doing the things that make them my three favorite wrestlers. This is the only time my three favorite pro wrestlers ever were in a match together. Do not even try counting some West Texas battle royal from 50 years ago, this is the only match Andre, Funk, and Hansen ever had. Isn't that something?  

Terry Funk vs. Stan Hansen never had an exchange that wasn't worth watching, and here it's Ponytail Terry, taking a swing at Hansen on the apron, a swing to connect. I don't think Hansen sees it coming but his blurred vision instincts knew he had to duck quick and low with the speed Ponytail Terry was approaching him. Hansen chops Terry so hard, Terry punches Hansen like he does, and it's great...

but it's nothing like the smile on Andre's face as Hansen is backed into their corner and he tags in. I don't know if Andre entered a ring quicker over the rest of his life, and Hansen hops backward up onto the bottom buckle like a trapped animal. His instincts are correct. When he tries to lock up, Andre grabs pro wrestling's ultimate ass kicker by the fucking throat and backs him up all the way across the ring, dropping him with one punch to the chest while Mustache Joel Deaton runs for his life down the apron. Everyone got their own individual Andre Jump Scare spot. 

Andre uses his size and Sasquatch grabbing ability to herd all three big men into a corner and hold them there so the Funks can use him as a battering ram. Hansen is trapped below the pile and shows he's one of the best wounded animals in wrestling, only here it's his pride that's wounded and makes him advance on Andre with punches and chops. Hansen is an egotistical Great White Shark in a way that nobody else has ever captured. Hansen famously never stops advancing in his matches, and when Andre stops him dead in his tracks by grabbing his fucking throat, I wonder how many times it will take him to learn that this is the one man you cannot keep advancing on. Andre does not back Hansen up by the throat, this time, he punches him in the nose and tags out. 

Sometimes Dory looks at his opponent with those Sydney Sweeney eyes and upends them with two hard uppercuts, and it's the best 1990s Dory.

Andre looks like he's having the time of his life on the apron. Apron work is just one other thing that old Andre excelled at. When Dory reverses a whip and sends Deaton his way, Deaton hits the damn brakes while Andre nods and grins at him like crazed Willem Dafoe. This match sets up the idea of Joel Deaton getting whipped into Andre more than once and pays it off incredibly for the finish. Hansen and his goons all hit Dory hard on the floor far away from where Andre can reasonably get over to them, which is a great old Andre spot where heels take advantage of how there's no chance Andre will be able to even reach them. But they always eventually wind up too close. Spivey tries to get all cute back in the ring and rolls Dory up with an abdominal stretch cradle, but Andre reaches over the ropes and breaks up the pin by grabbing Spivey's entire mullet in his fist and not letting go! Spivey looks like a man actually considering whether he's fine with having his hair ripped out to escape. Andre is the best apron threat in wrestling history. 

You can see the moment Hansen knows he's not defeating Andre and you can see the moment one second later when it stops bothering him. Hansen had a pattern all match of using Joel Deaton as a projectile in his war against Andre. Deaton was used in two rocket launchers, and 1.5 of them connected. When Hansen got tired of getting throttled, he decided in one instant to whip Deaton as hard as he could in Andre's direction. Joel Deaton is a great pro wrestler and even though we all knew the entire match was building to his demise, he never once wrestles like he knows. When Hansen whips him toward Andre and starts heading for the showers before even seeing whether Deaton got caught or not, Deaton really thinks he is hitting a big time clothesline on Andre. He is not a man forced into running toward his own death, he isn't a guy running towards someone just to take a spot, he is a man doing his best to connect with that clothesline. 

It doesn't connect, Andre kills him. Hansen won't stick around to see the pin.  

You want to tell me old Andre's elbowdrop sucks? You're wrong. In this very match you can see an example of the most perfect elbow every dropped, that of Stan Hansen. There has never been a better elbowdrop than Hansen's. His form is perfect, his landings always directly on target, his impact incredible and something I wouldn't survive. You cannot throw a better elbowdrop. Andre's elbowdrop is ugly. Not just by comparison, it's just ugly. The form is terrible. He looks like an old dog who is taking five steps just to lie down. Legs down first, then the left arm to the elbow, then the right, slow roll to his side, off center on his favorite fur covered rug. But when the camera cuts in close and you see Andre lying across Deaton's chest, there is no way Deaton could get a shoulder up if his life depended on it. When old Andre pinned someone, it was a shoot. Andre lying on top of you cannot be kicked out of, so the delivery of Andre falling on top of you does not matter. Hansen's elbowdrop is about maximum targeted impact. Andre's is about finding the best way to get laterally onto his opponent. Impact is not created in form when you are Andre's size, it just Is.  

COMPLETE AND ACCURATE ANDRE THE GIANT