THEE 23 Man Shotgun Saturday Night Battle Royal!

23 Man Battle Royal WWF Shotgun Saturday Night 9/19/98 

ER: This is the kind of TV battle royal I miss, and this just might be the closest this era of WWF ever came to the kind of brilliance we saw in WCW's infamous 1995 Nasty Ned battle royal. While doesn't have quite the same charm as that 1995 masterpiece, it still has the kind of charms found in Coliseum Video battle royals and I think that's a nice measuring stick. Its biggest strength is that it boasts a truly bizarre collection of participants, a real freak show of guys who weren't on the main programs of 1998 any longer and wouldn't be in any programs whatsoever in 1999. A great battle royal is one where there are several strong potential winners, or absolutely zero plausible winners. When you're looking over the 20+ guys involved and the only two who stand out as possible winners are Bradshaw and Dan Severn, then you know you have some incredible parity in your battle royal. 

Give me a battle royal with Tiger Ali Singh in his first match in a year, Bob Holly still in his Midnight Express gear two months after the Midnight Express existed, Kaientai wearing Michinoku Pro gear and not their street gang attire, Scott Taylor without Brian Christopher, Papi Chulo in his last appearance before becoming an exclusive part of the Super Astros roster for the next 6 months, Southern Justice getting the strongest crowd reaction of anyone else during their entrance, twin Nazis, Miguel Perez and Jesus Castillo still in their Boricuas gear before their shift to Super Astros, and the Oddities. Of course, my glee over who could possibly be considered the favorite among these names was deflated a bit when the final entrant was The Rock. Obviously the Rock is going to be winning this specific battle royal, but there is still plenty of 7th generation video quality joy to gleam from this. 

Where else will you see Golga having one on one interactions with Mens Teioh or Papi Chulo? Bob Holly and Marc Mero were fun unexpected standouts, with Holly always going right after physically larger guys, and then punching it out with The Rock and selling really well for him. Dan Severn does an amateur throw to eliminate Jesus, gets double teamed by Togo and Teioh in another odd pairing that couldn't have happened anywhere else, bullies Singh into the corner with hard shoulders to the stomach, then takes a cool cartwheeling elimination bump after being thrown over by Bradshaw. Mero was getting a great reaction from hotdogging the entire time, the way far more people should hotdog while in a battle royal. Mero would punch someone, then raise his arms, then punch someone, then raise his arms, and before long the crowd was erupting every time he raised his arms. It's more of a playful house show call and response game than anything you see on TV, and it's cool seeing someone random like Marc Mero be a noteworthy part of someone's WWF live event experience. 

The eliminations all come at once, like they were told to all go out there for 7 minutes and whomever is left who isn't the final 5, get the fuck out of there and quick. We get a lot of great elimination bumps: Togo gets backdropped over by Funaki for some reason, Papi Chulo gets the back of his head clotheslined and winds up tumbling all the way to the entrance ramp, Miguel Perez and Scott Taylor take the kind of bumps to the floor you would expect from two bump kings, and we wind up with a fantastic final 3: The Rock, Dennis Knight, and either 8-Ball or Skull. Dennis Knight comes off like a real badass in this battle royal, and when I saw how cool he came off during the finishing stretch it made me think back to Southern Justice getting such a big reaction during their entrance. I really liked the Southern Justice look and wish they got a long run with that gimmick. Wrestling SHOULD have tag teams that look like two of Ben Gazzara's toughest goons in Road House. And walking to the ring, they DID look cool. 

Knight really puts the boots to the Rock, with the kind of energy that makes me want to do a Godwinns/Southern Justice project, a Viscera/Mideon project, and - if those go well - a Naked Mideon project. It's crazy how much of an impression a guy can make in 30 seconds, but damn did I like Southern Justice here, and seeing Knight taking it to the Rock was great. Knight and [a Nazi] punch and stomp the Rock, Rock ends up eliminating the Nazi on a missed charge, then we get to see how perfectly Dennis Knight sells the People's Elbow before the finish. This was when the Elbow was really starting to catch on big, and the crowd went nuts for it, but it's not exactly a thing that finishes a battle royal. Well, when the elbow impacts Knight's chest, he gets up and runs around like he took a shot from a defibrillator, then gets leveled by Rock over the top. Dennis Knight sold the People's Elbow the way you'd picture Chris Candido selling the People's Elbow on a house show, and I know anyone reading this is picturing how that looks right now. This was a great battle royal, the kind you will never see on WWF C shows again.

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On Brand Segunda Caida: El Mosco in WWF

"El Mosco"/Abismo Negro/Histeria vs. Los Cadetes del Espacio (Discovery/Super Nova/Venum) WWF Raw 3/24/97

ER: This was plenty fun, with Abismo Negro looking like the guy of this group who could cross over. He got arguably the biggest reaction of the match when he powerbombed the hell out of Super Nova. Abismo also bumped upside down off the ropes and took a great bump around the ringpost. He did incredible little things that nobody else was doing in these matches, like actually acting like he was trying to stop the tecnicos from flying. He's the guy on the apron leaping futilely after Venum as Venum launches himself with a top rope quebrada to the floor. Venum also could have broken out with American fans. He was really fearless at this point, crazy with his body (like doing a springboard flip to the floor and landing on his feet), his a couple inventive headscissors, got some noise. Histeria was the bumper of the group, really flying hard backwards off moves, looking like a small Buzz Sawyer. He took this huge flying bump through the ropes to the floor, tumbling hard to the entrance ramp, and then ate a big tope con giro from Discovery.

There was only one problem with this match: It didn't actually have El Mosco. The onscreen graphic says El Mosco when the Galaxy Rudos make their way out, but it is Maniaco. Vince even calls him Maniaco, so this was merely a screen graphic error that has then been circulated incorrectly around match lists for 20 years. A fun match, but our search for WWF El Mosco is starting weird. 

El Mosco/Abismo Negro/Histeria/Maniaco vs. Discovery/Super Nova/Venum/Ludxor WWF Shotgun   4/5/97

ER: Ah, there he is! And this has to be the frontrunner for best match of the AAA/WWF failed/aborted/misguided showcase of talent. Perhaps most notably, in an 8 man battle between The Space Cadets and the Rudos of the Galaxy, JR calls 6 of the 8 by the correct name (he mixes up Abismo Negro and El Mosco, which is a higher percentage of success than I was expecting). Brian Pillman also wonders if these men were perhaps smuggling strawberries in their butt across the border, but JR at least attempted to learn names and call the action seriously. This felt like the kind of spotfest that could have actually caught on and gotten great reactions in front of WWF audiences, if WWF cared about what kind of reaction it got. This was a breathless spotfest with good pairings, short (6 minutes or so) and to the point, that the crowd was already reacting to by the time it was done. Most of this crowd likely viewed this as Max Moon x4 vs. Max Moon x4, but the wrestlers went for it and I thought succeeded. 

The best pairing was El Mosco and Venum, with Mosco bumping all over for slick ranas and headscissors, then catching a huge Venum dive to the floor. Venum's flying looked really great and the two of them went insanely fast through all of it, and the fans didn't know what to expect from the moment Venum hit a dragon rana. I assume most in attendance had never seen anything like that before. Mosco even took the big belly flop slide on the floor, and slid so far that he flew PAST the padded mats and onto the entrance way. Venum also does nice extra hard bumping, running chest first into the buckles as if he was really trying to show WWF he had done his homework on their top stars. 

Abismo and Discovery were fun as hell, with Discovery hitting a big tope con giro and Abismo later getting clowned by Nova into missing a tope con giro, crashing but first onto the floor (Abismo can later be seen working out his cheeks while walking ringside). Maniaco almost lawndarts himself taking a Jerry bump (that he thankfully does last minute fully rotate on), and wraps himself around the ringpost in an awesome way, splatting on the ring steps on his way down, then eating a huge flying headbutt from Nova after propelling him up the buckles. The Rudos were basing like crazy during this whole thing, pushing the Cadets to a super fast pace, and the Cadets met that pace. Fans were quiet when Maniaco and Nova started, but 5 minutes in they were into it. This was nothing but slick ranas, cool armdrags, big dives, great bumps, big powerbombs, all of it cool. These guys easily could have been a special attraction on house shows, Raw openers, whenever; and it's a shame we never got to see WHO would have been the breakouts from the AAA group, just because none of them were ever given any time to breakout. 

El Mosco vs. Super Nova WWF Raw 3/31/97

ER: This was a pretty good representative for the whole AAA in WWF experiment as a whole: Two guys - who honestly may as well not have been given names - thrown into the ring with no kind of hype, killing themselves to little reaction, while Vince talks to Sunny, and Sunny grinds on Hugo Savinovich during the most dangerous highspot of the match, assuring that nobody calls it. There is also a running thread of powerbombs getting a bigger crowd reaction than any other highspot the AAA luchadors do. It's as if planchas and tornillos confuse them, but a guy getting splatted with a big powerbomb is a universally accepted thud. Vince calls two spots that were supposed to miss (including a big sky twister press from Super Nova) as if they were blown spots, and seemingly nobody in the arena notices when Super Nova hits a crazy tope con giro into El Mosco, while Mosco is *seated* on the entrance ramp. Nova covered a lot of distance, the visual looked incredible...but admittedly, Sunny's black dress *was* impossibly tight.

El Mosco/El Pantera vs. Taka Michinoku/Scott Taylor WWF Shotgun 11/8/97

ER: So the AAA showcase experience was long over, but they brought Mosco back for a one-off, a way to pad their burgeoning LightHeavyweight division before they also lost interest in that a few months later. I don't think I've ever seen this match, and it rules. It starts with Mosco leading Scott Taylor through some cruiser offense that felt very atypical for Taylor. Taylor broke out a headscissors and a big cannonball off the apron, then hit a missile dropkick and landed on his feet like he was Bruce Lee out here with early 90s Brian Pillman hair. Mosco would get to shine a bit later, but early on it was all about leading Taylor through fun and passable lucha sequences. 

The real money was in the Taka/Pantera exchanges, and they cruelly cut who knows how much out of our time with them for commercial purposes. The second Pantera tagged in he hit a gorgeous rolling armdrag on Taka, rolling smoothly right over his back and sending Taka to the floor. Pantera does his dope rolling headscissors to the apron, that sends Taka crashing hard to the floor (a move they'd get to do on PPV a couple months later, which is a crazy PPV singles match we got, in retrospect), and then Pantera just obliterates Taka with a tope, running from the apron and diving past the ringpost. The lunatic even did it through the ring corner where the steps were, the worst of the four corners to try that lunacy. Mosco and Pantera control segment was nice, from the simple things like a picture perfect tandem drop toehold on Taylor, to a cool as hell springboard flipping legdrop from Mosco. The ending is pretty simple, as obviously we know Taka is winning all of these matches, and at a certain point they kinda rush into go home mode and Take just starts dropping Mosco with kicks, a nice brainbuster, and the Michinoku driver. So a simple way to wrap things up, but the whole match was filled with gold, the types of things nobody else was doing on WWF TV at the time. Mosco looked great in all of his WWF appearances, but there was clearly nothing he could have actually done in the ring to get hired. The fact we got a dozen or two Pantera matches in WWF was an actual lucha miracle.

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On Brand Segunda Caida: Non-WCW Barry Houston

Barry Houston vs. Primetime Daryl D 1998?

ER: So this was great. It appears to take place in some kind of food court, goes about 6 minutes, and has some great bumps (one of them accidental!) from both guys. Daryl D is most famous for being the corrections officer who got MVP into wrestling during his incarceration. He also has "I Wanna Sex You Up" on his tights. That's a choice in 1998, and confusingly, Barry Houston has "I Adore Mi Amor" on his. But this match is all about the bumps, and it rules for that. Houston starts us off with a sky high backdrop bump and a big spill to the shopping mall floor, but Primetime ends up accidentally outdoing him. There's supposed to be a missed corner splash, and Primetime misses...but the top rope breaks and sends him tumbling ass to elbow hard to the floor. My god that could have been bad. Houston kills time by bringing him back in and hitting a great delayed vertical suplex, and with no ropes they decide to spill to the floor (Primetime looks to take another hard - intentional - bump to the floor, but the camera mostly misses it). We build to some really fun floor brawling, and you don't get to see a ton of food court bumps, so this is special. Houston sets up some kind of moveable condiments station or trash kiosk (like a presentable square island that can comfortably house two trash cans, so people don't have to see trash cans), goes to whip Primetime into it, but gets reversed and goes flying into it the way Raven would fly into guardrails. Houston rules. There's also a big bronze statue of a rhinoceros in this food court for some reason, and Primetime gets tossed right into the horn. Houston had a bunch of nice punches, both guys get counted out, great punches continue, I leave after getting exactly what I wanted and more.

Barry Houston vs. Scott Taylor WWA 8/20/98

ER: Man these WWF Dojo shows looked cool. How often did these run? I remember reading about the WWF Dojo guys in WWF Magazine, but some shows in Salem were not going to be seen by mine teenage eyes. Only the fans in Massachusetts were getting to see those Glen Kulka and Shawn Stasiak matches. I would have to wait. And I'm not sure I ever would have made the connection had I not actually seen them working a match, but Scott Taylor and Barry Houston were very similar wrestlers. Both were great at making opponents look good, had an excellent command of basics, and had cool offense when allowed to show it. Those things are all pretty vague descriptors, but they really did wrestle similarly, with the difference being that one of them was a year away from being a huge star and the other was a year away from not wrestling anymore. Both throw nice punches, both throw nice lariats, both take hard suplex bumps, they are the pointing Spider-mans. Taylor really was great. I'm not much of a Scotty II Hotty fan (though obviously all hats off to him for making millions) but 97/98 Taylor had really matured into a great wrestler. Here he eats a big lariat and bumps to the floor, and shows off a couple of really great suplexes. Early on he hits a nice pumphandle, throwing Houston right over his head, but the gem of the match is him catching a hard Houston lariat and turning it into a trap arm belly to belly. Honestly it looked far more like something you'd see from Tamon Honda than Scott Taylor, but nobody thought Tamon Honda was cool during this era either so obviously we were all just idiots. Now we are idiots with better opinions.

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On Brand Segunda Caida: 90s Terry Funk

Branding Iron Match: Terry Funk vs. Virgil NWC 2/11/95

ER: Funk had a really fun formula for these 90s indy matches, and it's a formula that really gives the crowd their money's worth. He really makes sure he does a ton of stuff on all sides of the ring and even into the crowd, really giving so many of the fans an up close shot of a legend acting like a lunatic. Funk comes out with his large open flame branding iron and is literally waving it inches from peoples' faces, jamming it at the ring announcer, chasing ref Jesse Hernandez around ringside with it, almost lighting his own hair on fire rolling into the ring with it, constantly looking like a man going through with a completely terrible idea. And then he stooges around the whole damn building for Virgil. 

The match opens with Funk taking a punch from Virgil and falling off the apron through the timekeeper's table. The match literally starts with a table spot, and we brawl through the crowd from there. Chairs get thrown (and they're those solid as hell hotel conference event chairs), Funk takes spills over the ropes, gets hung up in the ropes, elbows the promoter in the head, literally hits a fan that gets too close (and if it was a plant it was extremely well done as Funk got him and then security from all over the building swarmed in and they never went back to it), throws garbage cans all over the place after emptying them, gets busted open (with the announcer regularly noting that Funk was covered in blood and ketchup and mustard), hits a big piledriver on the floor, staggers straight off the apron, eats two nasty DDTs from Virgil, just total chaos. 

The finish is overdone, but played well by Funk. He gets locked in the million dollar dream and headbutts the ref to get out of it, then wallops Virgil with the branding iron. Promising the loser getting BRANDED is an absolutely ridiculous stipulation, as who is going to actually get branded!? But Funk brands Jesse Hernandez who sells it as well as you can sell getting your flesh pretend burnt. This was not a great Virgil performance (and nowhere near as good as his genuinely great WCW heel run) but obviously Funk was going to show up. We even get a fun JYD appearance at the end (NWC was the home of the very last JYD matches) and he blasts Funk right in the chest with a hard lariat.

Terry Funk vs. Mark Henry WWF Raw 6/1/98

ER: This match is so cool, and one of the first genuinely good matches of Mark Henry's career. Sometime around March '98 things clearly began to click for Henry. His Raw match against Owen was legitimately his best performance to that point in his career, but he was also a standout in his six man tag at Unforgiven, and looked like a monster in a Shotgun squash against Jeff Hardy.  

This is Terry Funk crafting a tight 5 minute match around a still limited opponent, with Henry shining right at the moments he needed to. Lawler was obviously the expert at these matches (there's a reason so many people were sharing his King Kong Bundy matches after Bundy passed) but he's 53 year old Funk taking it to a massive Olympian. There are moments where you can see Funk guiding Henry through things, but they happen early and by the time this match gets going Henry looks like a natural. Funk dishes out chops and a neckbreaker, then more chops and another neckbreaker...except he instead heel kicks Henry in the balls while standing with the neckbreaker. Ridiculous. 

This gets really crazy when they go to the floor, as Funk tries a Vader bomb from the middle rope to the floor (!), but gets caught by Henry and slammed into the ringpost. Very unexpected. Henry takes an awesome bump tumbling into the ring steps head first, and Funk does arguably the craziest thing he did during this WWF run when he hits an Asai moonsault on Henry, crashing with almost ALL of his weight directly into the guardrail. I mean holy shit. His hip and leg just smashed into the railing, and Henry actually sold the impact perfectly, knowing to sell it as a graze and not as a KO. Lawler's, "He's 53! How many 106 year olds do you know?!" response to JR's "middle aged and crazy" quip is genuinely funny, but seriously this spot was pure insanity. Henry had to have zero experience catching a moonsault, so this was the natural result of that, but I also think the spot worked better because Funk crashed and burned so hard.. Truly nuts. Back in the ring we get a hard shoulderblock with both slamming into each other, Funk going flying, but Henry merely staggering. The smack on that collision was LOUD, and I dug Henry's elbowdrop, his legdrop that showed no light and perfect form, and his two standing splashes. It was super impressive seeing how fast Henry could scramble to his feet, serious quickness, and I really loved how these two matched up. At this point Funk wasn't really being put in a position to carry young talent in a match, and it was awesome to see that he could still craft a cool match around a talented but green opponent who had major unique abilities.

 

Terry Funk/Bradshaw vs. Too Much WWF Shotgun 7/14/98

ER: You knew this was going to be a mauling, and it was a fun one. Bradshaw honestly may have been at his best in '98/'99, as his work may have gotten somewhat smarter a few years later, but he lost a lot of that intensity and energy. He was super imposing and moved really quick, so he could have fast exchanges with smaller guys like Scott Taylor, all while it was obvious that the quick exchange was going to end with Taylor getting flattened. This was a lot of Too Much stooging, which, of course that's what it was going to be dummy, and it was great seeing those two stooge while getting occasionally punched. I think the most offense they got was a couple of tandem dropkicks on Bradshaw, and an eyerake to set those up, but there was so much movement that it never felt like an outright squash, even though 95% of this was dominated by Funk & Bradshaw. Brian Christopher takes three big bumps to the floor, Scott gets to throw a couple nice punches at Funk's jaw, Funk locks Taylor in a rolling abdominal stretch that sees Christopher running after them in circles not knowing how to stop it, all great stuff. I really liked Funk hitting a southpaw lariat to send Christopher over the top, and Bradshaw during this era really carried himself like a guy who I desperately would have sought out in All Japan and later NOAH. I like Bobby Duncum Jr., but damn Bradshaw would have been so much cooler in late 90s All Japan than Duncum. The clothesline from hell was a clothesline that should finish a match, and both of these teams ruled.

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Berzerker Beat the Dead Man Using This One Weird Trick

"Undertaker, Paul Bearer, my Berzerker issue challenge to YOU, Undertaker. Upon BEATING you, Undertaker, I, Mr. Fuji, will have a personal Viking funeral for you two. Undertaker, Paul Bearer, you'll be cremated!!" ~Mr. Fuji

42. Berzerker vs. Mark Roberts - Superstars 4/8/92

Roberts is a big guy, billed at 270 and looking close to it, with a physique like Michael Elgin. He starts by going for a lock up, so Berzker just pump kicks him in the chest in nasty fashion. Then he hits a kneedrop, leg drop, and finishes with the slam. Roberts had the size, but was a real cold fish in bed, just lying there motionless after moves. Sell it a little, Mark. IMPORTANT: Berzerker wins with the falling slam, the first time he's actually pinned a jobber. Even MacMahon notes that it is something new from the Berzerker.

"Ohhhhhh Berzerker and Mr. Fuji, what a fatal mistake you've made, and now next week you'll pay the price!" ~Paul Bearer

"Throughout the annals of time, man has had to face his destiny. You face your destiny and your death on the same day." ~Undertaker

"Undertaker, you fell for trap, and next week you're gonna pay for it!" ~Mr. Fuji

"Undertaker, they say you're not human! Well Undertaker, I'm berserk, and whatever don't kill me makes me stronger! Undertaker, I'm gonna stomp you into the stinkin' dust where you came from!" ~Berzerker

43. Berzerker vs. Undertaker - Superstars 4/25/92

I loved this. Probably more than anybody should. But it was 2 minutes long and absolutely perfect. Before the bell Berzerker jumps Paul Bearer and bashes him with his shield, with Bearer taking a wild bump to the floor. Then Berzerker clunks Undertaker a couple times with the shield, real hard shots from an awkward pointy looking shield. Then, he gets out his Viking sword. He hits Taker with the broadside of the sword and then, in an amazing spot, lifts the sword above his head with both hands and plunges it towards Taker's chest, with Taker rolling out of the way and the sword sticking vertically out of the mat (where it will stay for the rest of the match). The two collide on a shoulderblock and then Nord clotheslines Taker over the top, then hits a great double axe handle off the apron. He tosses Taker around on the floor, tears up the ring mat, and blasts Undertaker with a piledriver on the concrete! Berzerker starts flipping out, takes off his loincloth, and Fuji walks him to the back, but then Taker sits up and starts walking after Berzerker, with Berzerker flipping out even more! Holy shit!! That just made me want to see their whole house show run, and then their PPV blowoff that doesn't exist!!

"Undertaker, I told you!" Mr. Fuji

"Undertaker, the Berzerker proved you ARE human. Undertaker, the Berzerker got his shield on you! Undertaker, the Berzerker got his hands on you! Undertaker, the Berzerker got his boots on you! Undertaker, I smashed your head into the stinkin' cement, and next time...I'm not gonna take it easy on you!" ~Berzerker

"Ohhhh Mr. Fuji and the Berzerker, ohhh you tried to steal our urn, you tried to drive your sword through the body of the Undertaker last week. It's going to be over for you!" ~Paul Bearer

"When you knocked at the Devil's door, did you expect the Reaper? Berzerker, Mr. Fuji, rest in peace." ~Undertaker

(one week later)

"Paul Bearer, when my Berzerker eliminates your Undertaker, I will put your remains in your urn!" ~Mr. Fuji

"Undertaker! How'd it feel to have someone like the Berzerker go berzerk on you!? You didn't get away from the shield, Undertaker! You got away from the sword, Undertaker. But I guarantee you next time, I'm gonna harpoon you, Undertaker! Cuz I tell you what, I closed a lot of men's eyes, too. Undertaker, I can't wait to get my hands and sword on you!" ~Berzerker

"Ohhh Mr. Fuji, what you had your Berzerker do was unforgiveable. You tried to steal our urn! You tried to put the sword into the body of my Undertaker! You'll pay!!" ~Paul Bearer

"The crimes...committed against this body...are unimportant. The body is only a tool in which the soul will use. Now, Berzerker, I'll destroy your body, and I'll possess your soul...for alllll of eternity." ~Undertaker

44. Berzerker vs. Scott Taylor - Superstars 4/29/92

The rematch we've been waiting almost 8 months for!! Taylor has gotten a little wiser, his mullet has grown a little longer, maybe added a little size, obviously he's watched some tape of the Berzerker. And in watching those tapes he's picked up on secrets, he's picked up on weaknesses, things he's noticed that can beat the Berzerker. Knowing this, he gets booted right in the forehead to start, then bieled across the ring. And then bieled again. And then also again. Huh. Taylor eats a Bruiser Brody type bodyslam, kneedrop, legdrop, standing splash...his time spent in the tape room is failing him. And, Berzerker throws him to the floor, Taylor accepting his fate and not even grabbing the top rope on his way down. As he gains his footing on the floor, Berzerker does back bumps in celebration. For Taylor, additional research will have to be conducted.

"Undertaker, my Berzerker stopped you in your own tracks" ~Mr. Fuji

"Undertaker, I told you we were the most dangerous men in the WWF! Undertaker, I told you I was the toughest man in the WWF! How did it feel to get your head caved in on the cement! Undertaker, I can't WAIT for the witching hour!" ~Berzerker

(next week)

"Ohhhhhh Mr. Fuji and the Berzerker. You tried to put an end to my Undertaker; the piledriver on the concrete floor, the sword, now you'll PAY!" ~Paul Bearer

"Berzerker...froms simple minds come simple acts. You attacked the body, but the soul is eternal..." ~Undertaker

45. Berzerker vs. Glen Ruth - Superstars 4/29/92

Berzerker is truly making mince meat out of the individual members of Attitude era tag teams. I don't remember Ruth as such a big spring-y bumper when he was Headbanger Thrasher. His bumps are kind of same-y but they have some snap to them, like when he bumps a lariat up around his shoulders. He also lands super hard on the floor, getting tossed over the top. Crazy to think Ruth had a few appearance on WWE TV LAST YEAR. When watching Berzerker crush him I'm sure we were all anticipating a 25 year career for him. 

"Undertaker and Paul Bearer, my Berzerker stopped you Undertaker, right in your tracks. And let me tell you Undertaker, how do you feel to be punished and insulted?" ~Mr. Fuji

"Undertaker, how did it feel to have your head concaved against the stinkin' cement!? I told the people all along I was the toughest man in the WWF, I told 'em, and now there's not doubt in their minds that WE are the most dangerous men in the World Wrestling Federation. Undertaker, next time when I go to stab you, I ain't missing!" ~Berzerker

46. Berzerker/King Haku/Guerrero Del Futuro vs. Genichiro Tenryu/Ashura Hara/Ultimo Dragon - SWS 5/20/92

This is not actually that strange of a trios lineup, compared to what WAR/SWS can famously spit out; These teams are pretty common sense, two big bosses on each team, and one flier. I didn't remember Hara getting so large before he retired, here he's a couple more months of snacking away from being John Tenta...but fat Hara is still awesome Hara, duh. Gaijin team is really fun, with Phil's old commentary partner/Black Terry partner Guerrero del Futuro, and a noticeably less bulky Berzerker and Haku. Late '92 saw a lot of WWF guys with suddenly deflated physiques. It's kind of jarring to see the shift. Berzerker was probably the second largest guy in WWF around this time, second only to Warlord, and here he looks closer to Donovan Dijak (who is muscular but not jacked like 1991 Warlord/Berzerker) and Haku is clearly way softer around the middle. That must have been a weird time to be a backstage fly on the wall in WWF. But the match is predictably a blast, with plenty of neat dynamics and satisfyingly stiff work. It's funny how time changes things, as my early WAR show purchases 18+ years ago were to see Ultimo Dragon, and now he is always one of the guys I least look forward to seeing on WAR shows. He's fine here, but I can't help but notice how much I get excited for any combo of the other 5 guys. But Futuro and Ultimo work together nicely, which makes sense. Futuro mostly acts as base for him, with both spilling admirably into the crowd off an Asai moonsault. Futuro does get one cool piece of offense on him, a kind of running cannonball: instead of hitting a crossbody while both were rope running, he kind of half somersaults into him, landing back first and sideways while on the run. It looked trippy and cool, someone should steal it.

There was a strange thing happening between Berzerker/Tenryu, as it really felt like Tenryu didn't take him seriously, and instead wanted to work with Haku. Tenryu would always kind of brush him off, quickly dispose of him and demand Haku. I didn't mind as he and Haku beat the shit out of each other. Haku was a monster here, and pretty much always looks like a monster in his WAR/SWS stuff. I don't think any version of Haku comes close to the badass he unleashes in WAR. Still, even with Tenryu not really giving him tons, Berzerker bumps big for him, including taking his wildly fast bump to the floor off a mean Tenryu lariat, then flipping out and dangerously throwing a table around ringside. Hara and Haku bring the headbutts, and this match has a little bit of everything: Flying, stiff strikes, big bumps, unique match-ups. You know, pretty much what you want out of WAR/SWS. It didn't really build or go anywhere, but you don't always watch WAR/SWS for build, you typically watch for old lumpy sump and rugby guys smashing each other in the face, and that happened plenty. Always awesome.

"Undertaker, Ultimate Warrior, you're look at the two biggest men in the World Wrestling Federation, controlled by the sickest man in the World Wrestling Federation! Now what kind of chance do you think you two got, when US two get our hands on your cold, stinkin' flesh. And Warrior, the muscles and the screamin' ain't gonna get it done!" ~Berzerker

"Ultimate Warrior, the curse has been put on you. YOU have stepped into my black circle, and that circle is closing...on you." ~Papa Shango

"Let the heavens FALL below, and let hell RISE with the Undertaker. And as they meet, let the entire universe set itself afire! For the curse you have Papa Shango, and the freak of nature you have brought in the Berzerker, is of no challenge, no purpose to what I live for, and what this man will die for." ~Ultimate Warrior

"Gentleman what you must understand, is that we fought through the lights of the sky, and we purged below to the depths of hell. We battled 'til no man could comprehend the final end. Now you Shango, Berzerker, will falllll." ~Undertaker

47. Berzerker vs. Bruce Mitchell - Superstars 6/1/92

Remember when UWF used a jobber they named Davey Meltzer? Is this just ACTUALLY Bruce Mitchell? I'm going to pretend it is. It may be. I know nothing about his pre-wrestling journalist career. Bruce Mitchell is a pretty cold fish in the ring though. He eats two big falling slams, a big legdrop, boot to the chest, weenies out on the bump to the floor, quits his dreams of being a pro wrestler, and focuses on writing about wrestling for a living. Perhaps this was some sort of stab at George Plimpton style participatory journalism? Also, perhaps it was a different person.

"Undertaker, they said you were unstoppable. Well I stopped you COLD, just like your rotten flesh! Undertaker, you get close to me, and I'm gonna take your stinkin' head off! Undertaker, you go get the Ultimate Warrior now huh!? Undertaker, you two ain't gonna look real big at the feet of me and Papa! You ain't gonna look real big when the devious one sics us on you, are you? Huss!" ~Berzerker

"Ultimate Warrior, the spell has been put on you. You have SEEN the powers of Papa Shango. Undertaker, you are not above reproach. You DABBLE in the SPIRITS. You know nothing about death." ~Papa Shango

"Deep six. Unnatural black magic. Undertaker, I have had cause to walk in your world and try and understand. I shall let the past be the past for you Papa Shango, and the Berzerker from years past. You know by now, that the combination of the Ultimate Warrior, and the grave walker Undertaker is something more deadly than you could ever deal with."  ~Ultimate Warrior

"Since making the WWF my personal burial ground, I've chosen my souls very carefully. Now you've conjured up all that is evil and all that is good. The end is near." ~Undertaker


COMPLETE & ACCURATE BERZERKER

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73 Shockingly Great Berzerker Matches. #16 is Unnerving!

12. Berzerker vs. Larry Williams - Superstars 5/28/91

Larry Williams looks like sad John Oates. This was when he was still Larry Williams: Wrestler and Carpet Salesman, before he just became Larry Williams: Carpet Salesman (I assume). He has a full head of hair and a bushy mustache, but other than that he is uninteresting. Berzerker drops a big knee to the chest, and Larry weenies out by grabbing the top rope on his ride down to the floor. IMPORTANT: This was the first squash match that Berzerker did not do a plancha to the floor after victory.

13. Berzerker vs. Jerry Stevens - Wrestling Challenge 5/29/91

Jerry Stevens looks like a guy who needs a beating. Big ol' round head and Kenny G perm. And Berzerker just walks right up to him and thrust kicks him right to the chin. Stevens flips admirably. And then gets the falling slam as a reward for leaning into that boot. And then a second falling slam. Berzerker wanders around the ring throwing kicks, then launches Stevens over the top to the floor for the win. Stevens is the first guy to weenie out of the fall as he grabs the top rope on his way down. Celebrating the win, he rope runs a bunch and takes some back bumps.

Prime Time Wrestling 6/10/91:

Bobby Heenan: "I'm you're friend! He don't like you (pointing to Vince), but I do."
Mr. Fuji: "This...is my Berzerker. Whatever master wants, he do for master. Right?"
Berzerker: That's right! Whatever Master Fuji wants, Master Fuji gets! If Master Fuji wants an eye out, he gets an eye out! If Master Fuji wants me to kick them upside the head, he gets it upside the head! Only Master Fuji controls me. He's my commai...commai...communication. And I'll tell you something else, you know I see all these pretty, tanned weight lifters around here, walking around [note: The WBF PPV was coming up and was being hyped all throughout this episode]. LISTEN! You can lay on those tanning beds, but I lay on icebergs. You know what I'm saying? You can do all that stuff. You can lift 600 pounds? Well I lift up MASTODONS! Huss! Huss! That's right, I lift up mastodons! I don't need weights! I'll fight 'em to the end, and me and Master Fuji won't be stopped. Because whatever Master Fuji wants, he gets. Huss! Huss!"
Vince: "Mr. Fuji you ummmm, you seem to know...oriental. You seem to know oriental culture. Why don't you uhhh tell us everything you know about vikings."
Mr. Fuji: "Let me tell you. This Berzerker has a lot of big horns, a lot of metal..."
Berzerker: Hey there's two types of people in this world! You're either a Berzerker, or you're one of the nameless rabble of victims!!" [note: a VIKING literally just cut a promo, correctly using the word "rabble"]

(break)

Vince: "We're back with more Prime Time, Bobby Brain, Mr. Fuji and uhhh the Berzerker!"
Fuji: "Nooooow it time, for traditional Viking ceremony."
Berzerker: "I LOVE IT! YES!"
Vince: "It looks like you brought some props with you I see over here..."
Fuji: "All we need now, is one intelligent person, from audience."
Heenan: "You need somebody from the audience? Hey, Jamison!
(Berzerker yanks Jamison out of the crowd by his suit lapels and drags him to the floor)
Heenan: "Well, this is going to be fun."
Vince: "Hey what are you guys doing here?"
(Berzerker begins tying Jamison to a wood stake)
Vince: "What is a traditional Viking ceremony?"
Heenan: Well uh, he ties him to a stake it looks like, and uh..."
Vince: Mr. Fuji explain this traditional Viking ceremony."
Fuji: "Now you all see what Berzerker is all about!"
Vince: "This Viking ritual will continue, but for now let's watch some IRS!"

(break)

(we return to the studio with Jamison completely tied, tightly, to the stake and Berzerker spreading out hay all around the stake, while rubbing two sticks together)
Vince: "Hey this is no joke here, what are you trying to do light a fire?"
Heenan: "Here, you need this (hands Fuji a lighter)
(Berzerker can't figure out how to use the lighter, gets upset and starts kicking the hay around everywhere, then lifts Jamison over his shoulder and walks out of the studio with him still tied to the stake)

(break)

(much later in the show, we return to the studio)
Vince: (looking off camera) "Speaking of...you...we uh, have the Berzerker? We have found the Berzerker and I think uhhhh I think Jamison is with the Berzerker. Earlier on he was uhhh...they're up on the roof!"

(We then cut to a clip of Berzerker running across a roof, with Jamison still tied to a stake and over his shoulder, and Berzerker throws Jamison off the roof! They cut back to the studio immediately and Vince is doing his wide eyed gulp face. Heenan is making the same face.)
Vince: "Folks I don't know about that one. Uhhhhhh, we'll take a break. I don't know about that one at all. I think he got a little carried away."

(Jamison is shown being pushed through a hallway on a stretcher, with Sean Mooney chasing after him with a mic)
Mooney: "Well by a twisted turn of fate, after the Berzerker tossed Jamison off the roof, he landed in a dumpster, and that seems to be exactly what saved his life. Jamison, are you hurt?"
Jamison: (screams, boxes tip over and fall onto him while he's on the stretcher)
Mooney: "It looks like he may get more hurt on the way to the hospital! That's all I know right now, Vince, let's get back to you."

14. Berzerker vs. Jimmy Snuka - MSG 7/1/91

A viking versus an actual murderer! Two murderers from two completely different parts of history. Wow. And the match is fun! Snuka has pretty lousy offense at this point, but he sees Berzerker bumping around for him and decides to have a bump off. It starts with Berzerker taking his big backwards bump to the floor off a clothesline, and back in the ring Snuka eats a big boot, then literally runs across the ring holding his face, and leaps over the top to the floor, catching his neck on the bottom rope on his way down. What? Snuka doesn't make for a very interesting "name" opponent, as his offense isn't very plausible against Berzerker, and he doesn't seem down to take some of Berzerker's nastier moves. The finish is Snuka hitting a crossbody, but Berzerker rolls through and gets the pin. So his finisher against jobbers is tossing them to the floor for a count out, but we've now seen him with with a reversed crossbody and knee drop off the middle against names. VIKING advances in the bracket of historical murderers.

15. Berzerker vs. Chi Chi Cruz - Superstars 7/9/91

Oh wow Chi Chi Cruz is all hair metal'd out, zebra tights and flowing teased mane, glittery kimono. He looks like a touring keyboardist for Enuff Z'Nuff. Chi Chi could take this one. He, however, did not take this one. He eats a chokeslam and a falling powerslam, and takes one of the more impressive throws to the floor. This is three squashes in a row that he did not do his awesome plancha to the floor after the win, so I'm afraid it's been eliminated from his repertoire at this point. IMPORTANT: This was the debut of Berzerker's brown tunic, which has a better cut (looks less like a dress with the belt off) and is a more appropriate color scheme than his sapphire tunic.

16. Berzerker vs. Greg Valentine - Prime Time Wrestling 7/15/91

The match that started this whole project and made me want to seek out ALL of the Berzerker. And this is all weird and awesome and just makes me happy that it happened. We get babyface Greg Valentine, which is a thing that hardly happened in his career, and something I didn't realize ever happened in WWF. Even in the pre-match graphic he's just presented as "The Hammer" like he's some Fred Williamson cult icon who the fans have always cheered. And they really do cheer for Valentine in this, a lot! Berzerker starts things great by launching himself at Valentine with his nice horizontal flying shoulderblock, but Valentine moves and Berzerker flies perfectly horizontal straight into the turnbuckles. Just a perfect straight line. And from there we get some no nonsense stiff chops from Valentine, Berzerker throwing some big ones back, Valentine taking his trademark face first bumps (that doesn't work whatsoever as a babyface, but oh well) and then more Berzerker bump freak glory as Valentine starts kicking his legs out, and Berzerker starts hopping in amusing ways as Valentine throws leg kicks, and then unexpectedly Berzerker lands in the splits after one of the hops, like a giant Viking James Brown (white James Brown would be called Jim White, perhaps?). We get more of Berzerker's awesome trademark bumps that I didn't use to realize were trademark bumps, like his super fast bump to the floor when getting clotheslines over the top. It's a real impressive bump as he's so large, and so hirsute, that you just see hair and beard and fur boots flying violently to the floor. And that's how this goes. Most Berzerker matches end in a count out because he throws his opponent to the floor, here Valentine goes after Fuji and Berzerker gives chase, eventually smacking Valentine with Fuji's cane. Before that it looked like Valentine was actually going over clean, which would have been Berzerker's first televised loss. Berzerker had missed a big boot and crotched himself on the top rope, Valentine dropped a couple of beautiful elbows and set up the figure 4, before Fuji distracted him. This was just the super fun pinnacle of wild bumps, stiff strikes and overall ridiculousness. And it showed that while I love Berzerker's offense (shame he doesn't often use the cravate he used a bunch in this match), he seems to be at his best working underneath for a fired up babyface. The more unhinged side comes out when his opponent is actually good at fighting back. What a cool little discovery.

17. Berzerker vs. Dave Millison - Superstars 7/29/91

Dave Millison bums me out. He's a pudgy ginger in a navy singlet, with voluminous tight curls, like Weird Al in UHF. Just a pasty, chubby ginger Weird Al. A quick google search pulls up a registered child molester named Dave Millison, who HONESTLY could be the same guy. Flash forward 20 years, give him more of a Chuck Liddell haircut....man this is close. This taping was in Massachusetts and this guy is registered in Texas...but man this looks like it could be the guy. STYLE BATTLE: Viking vs. Child Molester!! And the registered sex offender doesn't put up much of a fight. He does a nice faceplant bump after a big boot, falling forward with his arms at his sides. I assume he gets distracted by a young boy in the front row wearing an amazing Kerry Von Erich ringer tee, as Berzerker lifts and tosses Millison to the floor. Millison holds onto that top rope more than anybody so far, and the jokes on him because it completely throws off what would have been a clean landing, and instead lands him right on his knee, which he then immediately clutches.

18. Berzerker vs. Ken Johnson - Wrestling Challenge 8/4/91

Killer tracking problem on this link. Super glad this guy decided to fight the good fight and take the time to upload it anyway. The world needed this ONLY documentation of THEE Ken Johnson taking on the Berzerker. And it's kind of worth it. Johnson gets absurd height on the chokeslam, the powerslams are both crazy, and he takes a nasty bump on his knee/hip to the floor. You couldn't really see what he looked like in the face due to the video quality, but Berzerker does not study their faces either. He understands they are just faceless victims, obstacles that get in the way of his pillaging. Video quality matters not, to the Berzerker.

19. Berzerker vs. Kerry Davis - Superstars 8/19/91

Davis has DayGlo green tights with purple snaking around the knees and pristine white boots. He looks like Jamie Dundee with a gorgeous mullet. His long silky dirty blonde locks cascade past his shoulders, as he tells his barber to do the rest of his hair on the "4" setting. He instructs the barber to do this while admiring his slender handlebar mustache in the mirror, noticing that the mustache does not connect somewhere around the corners of his mouth, for he cannot grow a proper mustache. Berzerker honors his successes and failings by doing a front kick right to his chin, dropping him with a powerslam, hitting a knee off the middle rope, and tossing him to the floor, landing him right on his hip. Kerry Davis, it would seem, never had any sort of chance. Not in this match, not in this life.

20. Berzerker vs. Ron Cumberledge - Wrestling Challenge 8/20/91

Cumberledge, much like Russ Greenberg later on, is a man with a great build, bubblegum pink tights, who seemed to get no shot whatsoever. Cumberledge has some good size, and has the "look" Vince adores, so no idea why he went nowhere. He didn't stand out much against Berzerker, but he didn't sandbag him at all. Berzerker tries a couple new things we haven't seen him do, a big splash off the middle rope and a grounded choke, and Cumberledge takes a mean spill after getting chucked to the floor. Anybody have info on this guy?

"I'm the guy that only Master Fuji controls! I'm the guy who breaks bones! I'm the guy who's gonna get his hands on ya! I'm the Berzerker! Huss! Huss!" ~The Berzerker

21. Berzerker vs. Scott Taylor - Superstars 9/9/91

It's weird watching this and thinking "who was a bigger star 7 years later?" And you have one guy almost completely out of wrestling, and the other beginning a gimmick that would keep him in indie bookings through present day. Yep, Scott Taylor has now officially had a career longer than John Nord's. By a decade. Taylor looks like a young Shawn Michaels here, and bumps admirably for Berzerker. He goes down hard from a huge chop, leans face first into a thrust kick, gets big air on a chokeslam, nice spill getting thrown to the floor; Berzerker held him up for the falling powerslam far longer than he holds most guys, then gives him another.

"My favorite time of year is Fall. It's a greeeaaaat season, especially for Berzerker. His opponents will fall, one by one IN DEFEAT!" ~Mr. Fuji

22. Berzerker vs. Bill Pierce - Wrestling Challenge 9/10/91

Pierce is Chris Michaels, quality pro wrestler who never really went anywhere. Here he takes a bunch of rapid back bumps for Berzerker, and takes a nice spill into the guardrail after getting tossed to the floor. Berzerker does a great thrust kick, and brings back his nice high legdrop (two of them!) that he hasn't used in several months. However, I've noticed these last few matches that he no longer ties his opponent up in the ropes and boots them in the face. He now ties them in the ropes and kicks them in the chest. It's not a major difference, but I wonder what happened. It's possible somebody that he booted right under the chin complained. I wonder why he stopped doing the planchas. Safety? Because they were hard on his frame? So many questions.

More Tomorrow!

COMPLETE & ACCURATE BERZERKER

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Phil is a DAD!

Congratulations are in order as my great friend and writing partner, Phil Schneider, is now a father. His son, Daisuke Ikeda Schneider*, is a huge 9 lb. 5 oz. and is beautiful. Maybe some day we can do an Indy Fat Guy Investigation on young Daisuke. In honor of Phil now being a dad, here are reviews of a couple matches where fathers teamed with sons (and obviously, be sure to search around the blog for all the Rush/Pierroth matches I've written up). Congrats Phil!

Jerry Lawler & Too Much vs. Dustin Runnels, Bradshaw & Terry Funk WWF Shotgun 6/16/98 - GREAT

ER: Matt championed this one 5 years ago but I have zero memory of seeing this when it aired, and it really really stands out as unique when compared to other 1998 WWF TV matches. This show was taped in Austin, TX and I imagine that awesome face trios was put together specifically to take advantage of the Texas crowd. I'm so used to seeing WWE beat guys in their home town that it's so weird seeing three hosses  wrestling in the state they identify with, and it all goes exactly as it should go. Seeing Lawler as a heel this "late" in his career is really great, and really everybody in this match looks great. Taylor gets the misfortune of drawing Dustin and Bradshaw for the first part of the match, with Dustin throwing some nice armdrags and a sweet fist drop, then Bradshaw unleashing hell all over the ring with the nastiest clubbing blows you've seen and arguably the best corner clotheslines. Taylor just gets mauled here. Lawler is great on the apron always acting super amused by Too Much's antics, always smiling to the crowd while pointing to them (like he was saying "Right?! Aren't these guys great!?"). When he finally tags in (after Funk begs for him) we get Funk rushing Lawler with punches, Lawler playing the smart game and throwing some great shots, immediately piledriving Funk and then adding another one for good measure. Kevin Kelly puts over Lawler big here and Funk sells the piledrivers in a great Tenryu type way. Funk eventually roars back leading to a big Lawler bump to the floor and Funk banking Lawler's head off the announce table. Fans were flipping out for Funk and it was glorious. Funk being in 1998 WWF was just weird. Everybody gets time to shine in the match with Christopher playing the perfect stooge and bumping all over and the face hosses running through everyone in front of a super hot crowd. What a fun little gem of a TV match.

Dusty & Dustin Rhodes vs. Ted Dibiase & Virgil (WWE Royal Rumble 1/18/91)

ER: This match is definitely regarded as more of a famous angle - with Virgil finally turning on Dibiase - than a good match, but I really really liked the match. Dustin Rhodes was 19 and Virgil was kind of a stiff, but damn if it's not a fun and satisfying 10 minute tag. Ted Dibiase had my absolute favorite theme song when I was a kid, and only now do I realize that they just completely jacked the hook from Brother Louie. But it's still the best, and nobody knew how to walk to a ring like Million Dollar Man era Dibiase. That sequined suit, and that cocksure walk he had, with Virgil walking out in front of him, it always amazed me. Plus how cool does Dibiase look with the jacket off? Just sequined pants and dickey-with-bowtie. That Virgil himself takes off Dibiase's tearaway pants for him is the cherry on the sweetest sundae.  Dustin and Virgil actually work pretty great together here, with a couple fast exchanges, some fast rope running, a great Dustin leapfrog and a neat little roll through by Virgil that ended with Dustin throwing a great stomp to his face. Dustin really isn't far from being fully formed here, and I can't believe he's only 19, as that means he was only 23 as Goldust which is....okay I just always thought he was older and never did the math on it. His Dusty aping spots are understandable in this setting, and he doesn't have his great powerslam yet, but he's not too far from being Dustin Rhodes: Great Wrestler. But he does some neat things that he later abandoned, as the match hinged around him missing a big running knee in the corner. He leaps into it, plows knee first into the top buckle, and does some nice spots around trying to use that knee but it being too hurt. Dibiase as aggressive vet lion going in for the kill on wounded Dustin was awesome. He worked quick, like he had an appointment to get to but had to beat an ass first, yanked on Dustin's leg, dropped THEE greatest fistdrop, taunted Dusty, just some really great Dibiase moments. Virgil works a fun stiff, reckless style, Dusty is mostly out of this except for elbows and to eat the roll up pin, but there's a little bit of magic in this one. Plus it made me realize how much I miss the lens flare on these old PPVs, all of the colorful refracted beams from the hot ring lights shooting off pinks and blues and yellows, I just love it.


*Daisuke Ikeda Schneider mayyyy not be his son's real name. His real name is obviously one of the following:

1. David Richard Schneider
2. Shawn Michael Schneider
3. Charles Taylor Schneider

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