Paragon Pro Wrestling 11/21/14 Review - THE FINAL EPISODE

The strains of Barry Manilow's "Looks Like We Made It" waft through the air. Yes, almost FOUR MONTHS have passed, and we have grown older, seen half a dozen Gangrel/Tyshaun Prince matches, watched the world change, watched autumn pass and winter begin, witnessed the birth and premature death of Paragon Pro Wrestling on Pop! TV, and seen an incredible number of commercials for fake logs that create rainbow colors while an adulterous couple fucks in front of a fireplace. It's been a real ride. When this crazy dream started I was merely 34 years old. Now, I'm a few months away from being 35. I've fully exhausted my supply of Wes Brisco rape jokes. And when that happens, the song is over, and it's time to say goodbye.

And of course for the final episode they have a debuting ring announcer. That's like a guy starting his new World Trade Center janitorial job on 9/10.

1. Gentleman Brawler Eric Right vs. Jessie Godderz

Godderz is a TNA guy, and he is juuuuuuuuiced. The announcers refers to Godderz as a "chiseled demi-god". Somebody has been listening to too much Kal Rudman commentary. And this was a weird match. Godderz works a gimmick where he doesn't want to get hit in the face, and so much of the match is spent with Right trying to hit him in the face, with Godderz trying to dodge. What's weird, is Godderz sells as if he's still being punched. So we have a strange sequence where Right is throwing jabs, and Godderz is throwing his head back as if he's being punched, except the jabs are literally over a foot away from his face....but he's selling like he's being hit in the face....Eric Right is a decent puncher, so this isn't on him. Godderz seems like a guy who is working a "not in the face!" gimmick....while also actually being scared about being hit in the face. Match eventually builds to Right decking him, but ends shortly after with a running falling clothesline from Godderz. He then does a gassed out of breath promo about his accomplishments, including being on Big Brother more than ANYbody, and winning an arm wrestling contest that one time.

2. The Hippies (Fruit Loops & Lemon Drop) vs. Hammerstone & Chamberlain

Oh, brother. The return of Fruit Loops, and now he has a partner. I am curious what Fruit Loops and the debuting Lemon Drop did to get a title shot in their first teaming. This was really a weird thing the promotion did: They would build certain wrestlers and teams to "big" title matches, while in the meantime giving title matches to literally every wrestler in the fed. Every week they would have 2-3 title matches. Why would anybody be invested in seeing Whirlwind Gentlemen get their 5th title shot, when we now established that two men teaming for the first time, one debuting, one having lost his only prior match, are also getting a title shot? Fruit Loops admittedly warms my heart by flashing a peace sign, and then doing an eyepoke with the peace sign. That's...actually an awesome spot. And this match - embarrassing "hippie" gimmick aside - is actually plenty of fun. H&C get to maul the Hippies, with Lemon Drop getting a fine surprise sunset flip for a good nearfall, Hammerstone dropping some decent elbows, and Lemon Drop getting obliterated with a match ending lariat.

3. Mike Santiago vs. Anthony Greene

Boy we certainly are debuting a bunch of guys on the last show. Greene is a guy who has popped up in Beyond, among several other east coast indies. And he has a fun debut here that won't go anywhere whatsoever. His quirky offense stands out here more than it does in Beyond, with neat little kip up dropkicks and strange (if questionable from a physics standpoint) Thesz press pins. He's tall and lanky and takes offense well, and he gets the surprise victory. Just building up them new stars on the final show.

4. Caleb Konley vs. Wes Brisco vs. Jessy Sorensen vs. Joey Ryan

I was hoping we'd go out with another Whirlwind Gentlemen/Hammerstone & Chamberlain title match, but it's okay because we got a world title multi man! It began as a 3 way without Ryan, which would have been a terrible match to go off the air with. I mean seriously, they were going to book a 3 way with two faces against a heel as their blowoff match. Terrible. But Joey Ryan came back from his two week mystery disappearance (for all the screen time devoted to "Where is new champ, Joey Ryan!?", I believe the explanation they used was that he was merely celebrating), they made it a 4 way, and that balanced things out pretty nicely. So at least you had two heels and two faces, and it totally worked! It was worked much more as a Texas Tornado match than as a traditional tag-in 4 way, and thank god for that. so you had two logical guys pairing off all throughout, two guys that should in theory dislike one another, and it was some of the strongest work in the fed from these guys. Sorensen in particular easily looked better here than in any other PPW match . He's shown bits and pieces in other matches, but here he was great at playing underdog babyface, and threw shockingly nice punches all throughout. This match could have been messy and chaotic, but instead was just chaotic and fun. I would have guessed the former every damn time. Ryan and Konley keep trying to cull the herd, and it was nice seeing some more smart working heels, and both were good at working together, while also shooting the other glances, with Ryan knowing Konley still would be a threat within the match, and Konley recognizing this. Sorensen was good leaning into the heels' stuff, and I especially liked a nice jumping knee by Konley to Sorensen's chin. Wes Brisco was okay here, although early in the match he threw maybe the worst punches I've seen in a month. He clearly wasn't talented enough to throw punches while keeping a fist, so all of his punch follow through just reveals a wide open fanned out hand. Just terrible looking. At least when Abyss missed his punches by over a foot, he kept his fist closed. Blucch. But, Brisco had moments and he certainly showed himself to be overall serviceable enough in this fed. I just cannot stand looking at him. There are few wrestlers in history who I have disliked looking at this much, and it's more than just the general ick factor. He just has a look of a guy who should NEVER be a babyface. And so of course, as he triumphantly wins the title here, by pinning Konley with a DVD (hate championship matches where the champ can lose the belt without being pinned) we then get our final moments of PPW, just closeup visuals of Brisco's meaty face and gray green murder eyes.

And with that chilling look of terror and sadism and the worst tattoo work you will thankfully never be faced with in real life, we're over.

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Paragon Pro Wrestling 11/14/15 Review

We only got two of these babies left! That's only 21 weeks total. It feels like I've done more. Maybe after this I go back to NXT reviews, going ALL the way back to the beginning of what's on WWE Network. Yeah that will put me far behind everybody with zero chance to catch up, but I want to see how shit develops. But that's for the future, for now I'll remain barely focused on PPW.

1. Amerikan Gunz vs. Wes Brisco & Jessy Sorensen

This was a match. Jessy got jumped backstage the previous week. Or so they say. I have zero actual recollection of this happening. Apparently it was a mystery assailant. Something tells me this mystery won't be wrapped up by next week's final episode. So Sorensen works a knee injury the whole match, and he does a good enough job, limping all around and fighting the odds, you know. That stuff. Gunz alternate weeks looking forgettable one week and like the surest hands in the fed the next. This was somewhere in the middle. Possible that it depends on the opponents, but I've seen them look good against bums before. So yeah. This happened.

2. Chamberlain vs. The Man They Call Exile

Exile is wearing a duster on the way to the ring. Of fucking course Exile is wearing a duster. Just a duster, wifebeater and pleather pants. Good name for Exile's nemesis: "Network elects to not extend contract to Paragon Pro Wrestling - Effective Immediately". I just can't wrap my head around why a man is named Exile. It would be halfway amusing during a battle royal, if every time he eliminated somebody he told them that they were exiled from his ring, the ring of Exile. But his name cannot be more straightfaced than they're using it. "The Man They Call Exile". Who are They, and Why are They calling this man Exile? Is there a definition of the word that I don't know? Vocabulary isn't my strongest suit but it doesn't seem like a word that can be simply misunderstood. Did he just think the name sounded cool? Mysterious? Dangerous? If a friend was to get a new dog, and name them Exile, you can bet that most people who heard the dog's name would first respond by saying, "Exile??", as if they possibly misheard the name, to which the dog owner would reply "Exile," and the friend would then reply, "Oh," and then likely follow it up with, "Why?" or "What does that name refer to," or ,"Oh that's what I thought you said before, but I assumed I had heard wrong due to what a stupid name for anything needing a proper noun." But no, the announcers just call him Exile. They've even talked about other places where he has worked! But never mention if he was exiled from those places or not.  Chamberlain's strikes looked lousy. Exile just kinda lied there. A real cold fish. He hits a nice powerslam, so that's not nothing.

3. Hammerstone vs. Gangrel

 According to the announce crew, Hammerstone "lived up to his name" in the last match. I...have no clue what that could possibly mean. Hammerstone made Gangrel look really good in this match, planting himself on the Impaler, dumping himself on a German suplex, splatting on a bulldog. Gangrel is fairly slow now but Hammerstone made him look like he had effortless strength. This was oddly one of Hammerstone's better showings, although maybe it was a bit too generous of a performance. Remy Marcel interferes leading to Gangrel's win, meaning they're building to the FIFTH showdown between Whirlwind Gentlemen and Hammerstone/Chamberlain. Will we get that as our final match of the show's run? Seems only fitting.

4. Caleb Konley vs. Wes Brisco

Brisco has the ribs taped up and is doing a halfway decent job of selling them. And this match is actually really good! Maybe the best singles match in PPW's long illustrious history. Konley goes after the ribs the whole time and Brisco is a curiously strong salesman. Kicks, punches, bearhugs, body vices, all targeting Brisco's ribs. Brisco has some nice moments of fighting back from his knees, desperately lashing out to try to stop the onslaught. The only explanation I can think of is that Brisco is a method actor, and he drew upon the expressions of all of his numerous victims, with their pained faces, bodies damaged in innumerable ways, making last gasp desperation attempts at escape from their knees, fighting back against a violent, creepy attacker.

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Paragon Pro Wrestling 11/7/15 Review

1. Huggy Cub vs. Cowboy Kid Quick

"Two of the hottest athletes in the world today". That might be a wee bit hyperbolic there, announce crew. Huggy Cub is a mini pimp, Quick is a mini cowboy. Cub calls Quick "Brokeback Mountain". I actually liked the first half of this, basically up until the point where both guys gas hard. First couple minutes they do some fun suplexes, nice armdrags, quick bumps, violent dropkicks, really good stuff! Then they kind of hit a wall and noticeably slowed down, Quick went for an awkward springboard asai...something, and slipped, then got hung up in the ropes, then hung there by his arms for awhile...then just fell backwards into the ring. The announcer at one point dropped that this was an "absolutely incredible" match. 1) He cannot say "incredible" without qualifying it with an "absolutely", and 2) He thinks that every single match is absolutely incredible. Everybody must know this by now. Huggy covered up the Cowboy blown spot...well, really as best as anybody could cover up a midget dangling by his arms in the ropes after slipping off the ropes, but both guys were pretty tired at this point. They recognized this and went home a short while later, but the bloom was off the rose.

2. Ethan HD vs. Crash Test Cody

This was a perfect little WorldWide match. HD is a good worker with a bunch of different tightly delivered strikes, and Cody has energy, bumps big (really it would be a massive disappointment if a man working a Crash Test Dummy gimmick didn't bump moderately big), normally really good in his role. HD ambushes him with nice short jabs, great left hands, throws in a knee to the stomach, a liver kick, all nice things to back CTC into the corner. Cody fires back with decent jabs of his own, and some nice elbows. HD throws in some nice short suplexes, one with a nice floatover, and CTC peppers in his comebacks nicely. He knows how to lock in a nice crossface, and at least the announcers didn't get all clammy about saying the word "crossface" this time. Last time they danced awkwardly around it, as if they were afraid that saying it would invoke Benoit, Candyman style, who would then murder their loved ones. Good match.

3. Gentleman Brawler Eric Right vs. Darin Corbin

Not bad, but kind of ruined by a silly finish featuring interference while two chubby girls texted right in front of the interference. They were the two closest people to the action and they hilariously could not be bothered to even glance up. They looked like two people being held captive, half-assing an obligation. Huggy Cub comes out and steals the miracle tonic, leading to Right losing. But the match was fairly short so it kinda made Right look like a wimp needing to go to the tonic so early. Both guys looked good enough, match just didn't add up to much.

4. Caleb Konley vs. Wes Brisco

This wasn't bad at all, even though it ended in a predictable double count out. Brisco usually has about 90 seconds of decent wrestling in him, and then a switch hits and everything he does after that 90 seconds looks comparably worse and worse. His mat stuff is actually fine enough, and he'd look a lot better if he just stuck with that. Konley had some pretty nice mat exchanges and I especially liked Konley bridging up on his neck, while Brisco then kind of swept his arm under Konley's body to knock him onto his shoulders. I also liked some of his arm work on Konley, like a legdrop to the arm and an armbar over the ropes (even though none of it goes anywhere, so it kind of comes off looking like "I saw somebody do this before and thought it looked kewl"). But then that 90 second marks and suddenly he's throwing wooden clotheslines and doing a real dumpy looking plancha to the floor. Konley takes a suplex on the floor in sick fashion, but once this went to the floor it was clear this match was not going to have a finish.

5. The Whirlwind Gentlemen vs. Hammerstone & Chamberlain

So by my count this is the Whirlwind Gentlemen's 4th shot at the tag titles. It actually feels like more. And this feels like a bad sign with a title match starting with just a couple minutes left in the show...and sure enough, less than two minutes into the match Hammerstone gets DQ'd for not breaking a 5 count. It wasn't like he was even choking him, just punching and kicking him in the corner. Maybe H&C paid off the refs!?!? Afterwards the whole roster empties out, making for a fun brawl that really just made me want to see more Sugar Brown punching dudes. Manley and Marcel do big running swan dives into the throng of Paragon, making for a great visual. But wait, didn't they do this exact same thing like...two weeks ago? Was I in some sort of sleepy/drunk haze where I imagined both members of WG doing a dive off the ramp onto the whole roster? I'm not crazy right?

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Paragon Pro Wrestling 10/31/15 Review

1. Espiritu vs. Crash Test Cody

"You talk about integrity, Crash Test Cody has a LOT of integrity. He's a guy who is very respected in the locker room." Why does everybody have to have a thing? He's a wild guy working a crash test dummy gimmick, why are we talking about locker room respect? It's like when Jim Ross would talk about how Rico Constantino used to be a cop. Who could possibly care, and how is it helping his character? Cody has had better showings before, he's usually one of the guys I look forward to seeing. But this was designed to showcase Espiritu for some reason. And that doesn't start as a terrible thing. Cody guides him through some decent mat stuff, Espiritu hits a real nice dive, and things are going great! But then Espiritu goes on a run of offense and it's just kinda sloppy, falling a little short on a senton, setting things up awkwardly. Cody got dragged down a bit too and both guys did those kind of moves where both men fall and you're not totally sure who was supposed to be taking the worse end of the bump.

2. The Bonus Boys (Sugar Brown & Clutch) vs. The Whirlwind Gentlemen

This is the first match here for Clutch, but I'm stoked to see Sugar Brown back on my TV! Both are billed from The U, wearing gold and black U letterman jackets. And this match is good. This may have actually been the best tag that PPW has shown. Bonus Boys are clearly the best team in the fed, but neither guy makes TV much and usually only as enhancement. But their control segments over WG were good, and each guy's offense complements the others. Clutch worked an old linebacker gimmick, so had some nice shoulderblocks and a big cool standing Thesz press, looked like Vader's old bear attack. Manley is a good FIP and pinballed around for the Boys, and WG's little comebacks were all good (they sent Brown flying with a really great tandem dropkick). Every time I see it I like Manley's top rope clothesline more, and I bought it as a nice way to get a flash pin here. Fun match.

3. Darin Corbin & Huggy Cub vs. Gentleman Brawler Eric Right

Huggy Cub is a little person, whom they refer to as a "micro" which seems infinitely more insulting than calling someone a midget. This was supposed to be a mixed tag but the cowboy "micro" was medically unavailable. And this whole thing was pretty short. I did not intend that as a pun but recognized it as soon as I wrote it. Right goes for the tonic just a minute in, not much happens until Right locks on the sleeper. This was really thee definition of time filler.

4. Mikey O'Shea vs. Tyshaun Prince

Pre-match we get a long, awkward, uncomfortable sit down interview with O'Shea where he stumbles over all his words, talks about how his father ruined their family with his addictions and when he gets in the ring he takes out that aggression (but also said his father "wasn't a bad guy"). I'm not sure who this Pat Kelley interviewer is but he's a weird creep sometimes.

Also, I kept track throughout the show, and the announcers stated that this match was going to be "absolutely incredible" five different times. One of them also said it was going to be unbelievable. They also said the previous match, the two minute handicap match, was going to be "incredible". These guys are a restaurant owner's Yelp review dream team right here. There is nothing that does not impress them.

Tyshaun Prince has his standard slow, plodding brawl. O'Shea tries some new offense that doesn't look great (sliding clothesline to a seated Prince, low dropkick to the knee), but I'll give him credit for trying out something new. Prince's manager Christian Cole interferes at one point and jabs O'Shea in the head with his vape pen, which I have to say is a pretty great modern update of the spike to the head. O'Shea hits a pretty awesome crossbody off the top and something gets messed up and it looks like a 3 count, the fans chant that it was a three count, the announcers try to ignore it. Finish looks good though, as O'Shea goes up to hit the crossbody again, but Prince grabs him by the throat with both hands and turns it into a giant sitout powerbomb. So that looked cool.

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Paragon Pro Wrestling 10/24/15 Review

1. Espiritu vs. Remy Marcel

This worked as a fun 5 minute Marcel showcase, who normally just gets a scant amount of time as the Whirlwind Gentlemen hot tag. Espiritu doesn't really do tons here, locking on two separate chinlocks. For a guy who hasn't been on TV for 2 months you'd think he'd try to go out of his way to impress. I liked his missed senton? Anyway, the beginning was real cool with all their standing wristlock exchanges. I especially liked Espiritu rolling through the wristlock, but Marcel rolling with him at the same time so both ended up back on their feet where they started. Looked cool. Espiritu hits an okay vertical suplex, Marcel hits an okay crossbody, really liked Marcel's out of control frog splash. Marcel looked good in this, and that was the point.

2. Greg Romero vs. Jack Manley

Now Manley gets his 5 minute showcase, and it's also fine. Other WG showcase match was better, but this was good enough. The important thing is the fed is actually establishing hierarchy, showing two members of one of their top tag teams easily beating two guys who aren't on TV that much. That seems like a super obvious thing, but this fed is obsessed with presenting every worker as a very accomplished mat grappler who is one step away from the title! Romero works a Danny Zuko gimmick in 2015 which is...pretty annoying and very pointless. He's also not that good, throwing slo mo punches, attempting complicated roll-ups he saw on TV once, taking slow back bumps, just a pretty big bleh. Manley works better as a FIP and here he was more aggressor, but I like his back elbow so that's something. This was what it was.

3. Mike Santiago vs. Mikey O'Shea

It's weird that the fed pushes every single match as if it's going to be an incredible match. Seriously, before every match starts they'll say something like "this is going to be an incredible match", or one minute into a match they'll talk about what an amazing match we're experiencing. But they never ever put guys into position to actually have an "amazing match". Matches usually run 4-7 minutes, most of them are worked in a vacuum, and things usually just don't stand out. But they keep talking about how incredible the matches are, and they say it during almost every match. Here they talk about what an amazing match this 3 minute match was, and then talk about the main event which is "sure to be an incredible high stakes match". Everything is super important, everything is super incredible, it's just misguided and tiresome. O'Shea is morphing into a Bigelow rip-off, and Santiago tries bumping around for him but O'Shea just isn't that interesting. Incredible match though.

4. Tyshaun Prince & Caleb Konley vs. Gangrel & Exile

Hey, I liked this! It was probably the best I've seen Prince look. Gangrel matched up nicely with Konley, Prince was a good bully and did a good job trapping and punching Gangrel in the corner, the announcers kept referring to Exile as "mysterious" but really how mysterious can a guy wearing pleather pants be? Konley adds speed to the match that would have otherwise been completely absent. I kinda like Gangrel's short straight right hands, and Exile/Gangrel make a good team. This whole thing didn't really have the "high stakes" the announcers promised, and I am beyond tired of Prince matching up with Gangrel, but this worked.

And after the match we get a huge pull apart brawl with the boys from the back all separating Hammerston, Chamberlain and the Whirlwind Gentlemen. WG each do big running dives off the entranceway ramp into the big schmoz of people, and the far away shot of it looked really cool.

Also, Joey Ryan - new champion - is missing.

And I found out this show is getting bumped off Pop! in favor of TNA (blecch) so we'll just ride the rest of these shows out (4 more?) and then sit in satisfaction that I wrote up every PPW broadcast. Maybe we'll do some kind of rundown of the best matches or something? I don't know.

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Paragon Pro Wrestling 10/17/15 Review

Show starts off with the commissioner announcing one of the most dangerous matches IN PRO WRESTLING HISTORY, to punish Joey Ryan for using the brass knux last week. And what is the most dangerous match? A Coal Miner's Glove match!!! He takes this white glove sloooooowly out of his suit jacket and explains how there's a metal bar IN THE GLOVE and this glove will be hung OVER THE RING and whomever gets to it first can USE IT. I mean, Joey Ryan used brass knuckles just last week. I'm failing to see how this glove will be more dangerous than that.

1. The Whirlwind Gentlemen vs. Hammerstone & Chamberlain

They did it again!! I love it! I keep thinking the fed is going to put the belts on the Whirlwind Gentlemen, and they never ever do! They've gotten so many chances!! As in, from the first episode of television they've been built up as the rightful holders of the belts, and they keep failing! Because Hammerstone & Chamberlain just love cheating too much and it is glorious. Match itself was decent enough. Hammerstone and Manley work well together and Manley is a guy I'm finally digging as a FIP. Hammerstone was nice tossing around Manley, and had a cool moment where he faked right and then back elbowed Marcel off the apron. Marcel's hot tag offense leaves a lot to be desired as he just does roll up type stuff instead of fiery ass kicking. The WG are building to the inevitable title win, when suddenly the bell rings! Everything stops in confusion, and then the camera cuts to Chamberlain ringing the bell, which then allows Hammerstone to get the win! Hammerstone and Chamberlain love cheating to win SO MUCH! It's become my favorite thing on the program now that Joe Graves stopped showing up occasionally. A combo of H&C cheating to win every single week, while The WG keep failing over and over just tickles me.

2. Mike Santiago vs. Wes Brisco

"We're hoping for a good clean match here" well, sadly you're going to have to wipe all of that Brisco film off the mat after this one. Although I gotta say, Brisco was not the problem in this one. There were times he didn't look great (man does he take a wimpy header into the turnbuckles) but Santiago was disappointing here. He's been one of the more consistently solid guys in the fed, but he just didn't have it here. He kept winding up out of place, trying to toss Brisco into the corners but being lined up wrong, so there were a few awkward physics defying rope running moments that always look obnoxious. For his part, Brisco's mat stuff looked really good, and I liked him going for quick armbars a couple times. He had a quick, strong fireman's carry, grapevined the arm in a cool way during one of the armbar attempts, and I'd actually prefer he stayed on the mat in his matches. It all kinda goes to pot once he's up running around.

3. Tyshaun Prince vs. Exile

Exile: The worst single word name in wrestling (tied: Neville)! He's even announced as being from the Pacific Northwest. Is that where he's exiled from? There are several other Paragon workers from the PNW, why is Exile the only one feeling exiled? I challenge you to find a dumber single word wrestler name. UPDATE: Turns out he is from Richmond, VA. So has he been exiled from VA, and then Oregon? I am normally a fan of big hoss battles, but Prince really isn't a very interesting hoss. They do some fun hoss shoulderblocks and clotheslines where neither man goes down, Exile does a nice front kick, we kinda brawl around a bit with neither guy's strikes looking very good. Tyshaun goes into slo-mo mode so much. Eventually Konley runs in for the DQ, and then of course Gangrel runs in as well because THE GANGREL PRINCE FEUD OF 2015 CAN NEVER END!!! The worst thing that happened to this fed was decades ago when that Gangrel boy played a prank on that Prince girl, and both families brothers got involved and things escalated into a kidnapping and now decades later the families are still feuding, all over a simple misunderstanding about some land rights borders, with the Princes feeling they owned the rights to all the huckleberries right down to the edge of Burke's Glenn, and the Gangrel's thinking THEY owned the rights to all the bramble thickets right up to the pass of Willow's Craw. A simple misunderstanding being played out mercilessly on cable television and in front of Nevada tourists. Shame.

4. THE MOST DANGEROUS MATCH IN PRO WRESTLING HISTORY

Okay, it wasn't dangerous at any point, other than that general danger we as humans all experience every moment of our lives. Each man could have been struck down by an aneurysm at any moment, after all. It also, at times, wasn't that good at all. Since it was a pole match you got a lot of focus on guys yanking on legs to pull someone away from the pole. Matches advertised as violent should have a focus on violence, not a focus on literal leg yanking. We get leg yanking away from the pole, and then when the coal miner's glove is pulled down we get yanking away from the grounded glove. In between yanks, the match had its moments. Sorensen tightened up some of his strikes for the violent match. At least one out of every three punches he threw looked actively good. This is an improvement. Joey threw some lousy clubbing forearms, but threw nice punches. Joey at least attempted some pole match strategy, leading Sorensen away from the ring and slamming him on the entrance, trying to create some distance so he could climb for the GLOVE. Joey eventually does get that deadly glove, and then Sorensen steals it and the announcers squeal (even though the Commissioner clearly stated that whomever takes the glove down from the pole gets to use it), but it doesn't matter as Sorensen elbows the ref wresting the glove away from Ryan, because he is a boob, which allows Joey Ryan to POP Sorensen with his brass knux! Joey wins the title, the announcers weep, no lame 2nd ref runs out, I'm sure there will be shenanigans.

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Paragon Pro Wrestling 10/10/15 Review

1. The Amerikan Gunz (Ethan HD & Mike Santiago), Hammerstone & Chamberlain vs. The Whirlwind Gentlemen, Gangrel & Mikey O'Shea

Well this is strange and/or pointless. This was set up as Amerikan Gunz (ugh. spelling.) vs. Whirlwind Gentlemen for the #1 sontendership to the tag titles, and then Hammerstone & Chamberlain run in, and then Gangrel and O'Shea, and the commissioner makes it an 8 man, still for the #1 contender spot on the line....but....the tag champs are now IN the match. Gangrel and O'Shea have teamed up one time, so I'm not really sure what place they have in a #1 contender match. Ethan HD has teamed with O'Shea as many times as Gangrel has. So right out of the gate this is a pretty terribly conceived idea for a match. You would think Ethan HD or Santiago would never tag out, as it wouldn't benefit them if H&C get the pin for their team. The only way to get the #1 contender is to get the pinfall so why would you tag someone who wasn't your partner? Match itself is basically good until it wasn't. It's hard for a match to be good when the general psychology of the whole thing makes no sense. Manley was a fine FIP, liked his comeback top rope clothesline and he hit a whip fast fivearm. Of course the announcers put over every Manley comeback as a "desperation move". I'd love an explanation on how a guy going to the top rope to do a clothesline is desperate in any way. Anyway, I was enjoying this with the heels cutting off the ring, but then they did that lame telegraphed ending where 6 guys all fall to the floor at the same time, guaranteeing the match will end moments later. So now we're going Whirlwind Gentlemen vs. H&C round 4. I really hope H&C continue to retain by cheating against stupid, stupid babyfaces.

2. Caleb Konley vs. Gentleman Brawler Eric Right

I like how these two match up, and here we get an actual match where both guys aren't equally talented, we have Right fighting admirably until just plain getting beat. It's important to actually establish a hierarchy in this kind of weekly episodic TV. This was one of the more satisfying PPW matches they've aired, with some nice engaging mat stuff to start before Konley starts dishing some nice short elbows, and Right is a guy who's now shown he has no problems leaning into a beating. Right's comebacks are always good and I like his strikes too, and then lo and behold, Konley wins because he's better (and yeah there might have been a weapon involved, but thems the breaks). It's weird that such a result is shocking, but I'm so used to everybody in this fed treading water around each other that this felt like an important step (so I fully expect Right to just get a random unannounced title shot in like two weeks).

3. Kevin Kross vs. Mercurio Jr.

I really liked this too. Kross looked like a beast throughout, tossing Mercurio with a couple deadlift suplexes, doing nasty things like stomping Mercurio's calf and ankle, kicking him in the back of the neck while lying prone on the apron. Mercurio goes for an ill-advised Asai moonsault and Kross posts him for his troubles. Mercurio hits a tornado DDT on the floor that Kross doesn't really do justice to, taking it really gingerly. But he does threaten an old man by staring him down for way too long. The old man played along, but also deserved to be smacked. Back in and Kross catches a rana attempt and dishes more beating. I like Kross not caring about getting the pin over some scrub like Mercurio and instead locking a nasty can opener on him in the ropes until he gets DQ'd. This show hasn't been too shabby.

4. Joey Ryan vs. Jessy Sorensen

You'd be shocked to know, that both men are "excellent mat grapplers". Jessy holds a loose north-south choke and does some gator rolls, and that looks pretty silly. Joey takes it to the mat and that looks better. And this really doesn't go long, but that's for the best . Sorensen is just the blandest, while also not being good. A real double threat! Brisco is bad but at least he has the whole rapist without remorse vibe to set him apart. Ryan hits a great close fist hidden weapon punch on Sorensen and gets the pin as the announcers moan "Noooooo not like thisssssss". And we get an excited unexpected title change.....until the we get a second ref down to explain what happened so Jessy could retain his title. Maaaaan I hate second referees. It's such a lazy crutch.

But I still can't complain much as I liked Kross in his match, and liked Konley/Right. That's a decent episode of TV.

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Paragon Pro Wrestling 10/3/15 Review

Okay so I fell a bit behind on this once I lost my man Dean's support, and also because of all the Wes Brisco eyeball assault that was happening weekly.

1. Mikey O'Shea vs. Kevin Kross

"O'Shea could be the Harvestor of Sorrows for Kross" and "It's all about for Whom the Bell Tolls for Kross".....okay? Apparently the two announcers just got their first taste of speed metal and gotta shoehorn it into conversations? Neither man has any sort of connection to Metallica that I can see. I mean shit I love Ride the Lightning as much as the next guy but this just came off like Awful Announcing and two guys pulling each other's puds. O'Shea is finally starting to work MORE FAT with senton attempts and corner avalanches and belly to belly slams. Also dug O'Shea's corner body blows and big chops. Kross usually comes off better and he seemed to be holding back a bit on O'Shea. Wasn't expecting O'Shea to come away with the clean pin here, but this fed has also backed themselves into an annoying little win trade/parity corner.

2. Ethan HD vs. Mercurio Jr.

The announcers have a real annoying habit of pushing every single wrestler in the fed as a "real student of the game" and saying things like "Mercurio has a proclivity to start fast". They use just so many unnecessary words, really filling every single bit of empty space with just WORDS. Every single guy is a "student of the game" or a "ring general" or a "technician" with no regard to what those words mean. Mercurio can just be the resident luchador, he doesn't need to also be a student of the game who is a technician who is in the middle of having a phenomenal see-saw match up. Every goddamn match is a "incredible match up" or a "phenomenal match up". This got called both of those things within the first three minutes. They are just so terrible. HD is a guy I like, always leans into offense, and Mercurio doesn't have great offense so he really works hard to make Mercurio look somewhat competitive. YES that's problematic because not every worker deserves to look competitive, but again this fed is obsessed with every worker splitting every match 50-50, every win getting paid back, every guy looking like he has a shot in every match, so HD fits the fed's needs. He also takes a real nice delayed bump over the top to the floor. Mercurio has lousy faux lucha (faucha?) offense, dropkicks that don't land flush, slow arm drags. They do a silly rolling cradle section with a bunch of nearfalls counted despite nobody's shoulders ever being down, and then the match terribly ends in a double KO, despite neither taking anything that should keep either down for a dual ten count. This was just all around poorly conceived. But sometimes that's what happens with real students of the game.

3. Gangrel vs. Darin Corbin

We get an amusing pre-match vignette of Darin Corbin celebrating out on the town with his American Title, eating dinner with it and dancing down the streets with it. Tim Sylvia would wear his UFC belt to the grocery store, so this seems more believable by comparison. This match furthered Corbin as a guy who keeps his title by either fluke or nefarious means, as Gangrel controlled the whole match until Corbin bailed, looked at his shiny belt with adoration, and clocked Gangrel with it for the DQ. Corbin looked good bumping around for Gangrel, and Gangrel threw some nice punches and was able to do non-stop offense for a few minutes without gassing out or taking a chinlock break. That sounds backhanded, but it's important. Gangrel has been a guy with decent offense but no perfect way to tie it together, so really this was a fine use of his structure. And I am starting to dig Corbin as goofus who knows how to keep a belt.

4. Jessy Sorensen & Wes Brisco vs. Hammerstone & Chamberlain

I keep getting scared they're gonna load Sorensen and Brisco up with title belts, and yet H&C keep awesomely retaining the belts by cheating! I love it. It provides actual drama for me, since I don't want Brisco walking around as a champ, and they regularly have authority call out H&C for cheating (actually had a funny pre-match promo where the Paragon president or CEO or GM or booker or whomever calls them out on how they win matches, and they sheepishly say they do it through hard work, watching tape, etc.). A key to why their cheating works so well for me, is that they aren't really portrayed as guys who cheat because it's their only way to win, they clearly cheat because they just like to cheat. The other week there was a No DQ match where they tried to cheat, and then it threw them when cheating wasn't called out by the refs. It seemed stupid at the time, but seeing how much they love to win by cheating, it kind of works within their characters. Nobody in the match is necessarily GOOD, though Hammerstone has potential. I liked his low clothesline on Brisco and an even cooler deadlift pumphandle fallaway slam. Brisco has a lousy crossbody block. But I just kinda love H&C controlling a lot of the match, and the first moment things start going wrong they just hit a guy with a belt or - in this case - hold down Brisco's legs so he can't kick out of a pin. What will the federation do to stop it?? It's weird and good that I actually care about the answer to that.

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Paragon Pro Wrestling 9/26/15 Review

Tonight, we apparently have "Championship Action"...well, of course we do. This fed has multiple title matches on every single show.

1. Joey Ryan vs. Wes Brisco

Tons of Wes Brisco fans near the entrance ramp, all in the same handwriting. One of them is held by a sweet little girl who then has to be touched by Brisco due to her losing the "who gets to hold the Brisco sign" lottery. That girl will look back on this day as the day she was forced to prematurely grow up. I think Brisco somehow has more tattoos. Maybe he thinks that if he keeps getting more that he'll look like less of a nightmare? Maybe it's the same logic people use when they have a baby to save their marriage? Ewwww. Brisco does a flapjack and one of the announcers yells "put some syrup on him!" Wes Brisco: No stranger to putting syrup or some sort of jelly on men. Match wasn't much. Ryan controlled a lot with headlocks and a decent cravate. The problem with that is you're building babyface sympathy for a man who I believe is actually sponsored by Megan's Law. Brisco threw a decent spinebuster, so that's something. He wins with a schoolboy and then celebrates after like 123 Kid beating Razor Ramon. That's...weird.

2. Gentleman Brawler Eric Right vs. Darin Corbin

This is for Corbin's AMERICAN title, which Right won but then had the decision reversed as apparently a sleeperhold is an illegal choke. And here Corbin gets a clean win over Right. It's kind of strange to establish Corbin as a guy barely holding onto his title, only winning matches by cheating or fluke reverse decisions, and then have him dominate a rematch with the guy who previously beat him. Right got very little here, as it was mostly Corbin working over the leg, Right eventually fighting back and going to the miracle tonic, but then Corbin just slips out of the airplane spin and hits the Ginger Snap. No shenanigans, just put Right down.

3. Mike Santiago vs. Crash Test Cody

So many promotion-made signs in the crowd. Must have been a new set of tapings or something. And this was disappointing. I like these two more than most people in the fed, but they have a real short match, CTC does a spit take a full two seconds after taking an elbow, match is kind of oddly constructed with Santiago playing underdog face until Ethan HD interference, and it was just all disappointing. Nobody looked bad, just a weird structure and no time to do anything.

4. Caleb Konley vs. "The Man They Call" Exile

Eesh. Exile is a big tall shaved head guy ("completely stacked" according to the announcers), with one of the worst pro wrestling names I've heard. I don't understand it. Edge isn't a good name, but at least you can justify it with some sort of "he's on the..." or "he lives life on the...". Exile is just...I don't get it. Where is he exiled from? Was he a political criminal on the run? It would be like a member of a Border Patrol stable being just called "Deport". They say he is playing "judge, jury and executioner", but don't try and make any statements like "He just exiled Konley from the ring" when he tossed Konley to the floor, or "Konley has been exiled from his equilibrium". Nope, just talking about Exile as if his name was Scott or something. And Exile goes over Konley real clean here, with Konley only getting a tiny bit of offense. Exile didn't look bad, I liked his northern lights, his kick combos could use some work. But it's weird seeing Konley go down clean without much fight, as he's been previously established as a title contender. This was clearly a new set of tapings as a lot of guys have new gear, but it's weird that they've also seemed to treat them like a bit of a restart for the fed.

5. Tyshaun Prince vs. Gangrel

Kiiiiinda ready for this feud to just end. Prince is not good and somehow keeps getting long matches, the longest on the show. The longer his matches go the more things go wrong. Here he showed he has no clue how to take a bulldog, uncomfortably taking a back bump, so you get the hilarious visual of both men running and taking back bumps at the same time. Earlier there was a moment where Gangrel took a bump after running the ropes. Nothing happened to him. Not sure what was supposed to happen. But he ran into the ropes, took a couple steps and then just fell over. There...seemed to be some miscommunication throughout. Gangrel threw several nice right hands, cool straight shots to Prince's jaw. So that's something. Prince wins after Gangrel gets distracted by interference, meaning this feud probably will not end.

This fed is really, really bad about building feuds and setting up long term rivalries. Matches happen because matches happen. Gangrel and Prince feuded, they had a "pine box" match because...well apparently Tyshaun is deathly afraid of having a wooden lid shut on him. But here they are, two weeks later, back to fighting in regular singles matches. The way this fed builds matches is just...lazy.

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Paragon Pro Wrestling 9/19/15 Review

1. Leather Strap Match: Whirlwind Gentlemen vs. American Gunz (Ethan HD & Mike Santiago)

Hey this is probably the best match in the fed so far! That's not meant to be a backhanded type of deal, I genuinely liked this and thought they had some cool violent strap spots. It was tornado style obviously so you had guys beating each other around the ring, choking each other out and most of it worked. Santiago was really good at little things, like wrapping his fist in the strap before throwing punches, or getting choked violently with the strap wrapped painfully over his nose or fishhooking his mouth. All of the guys eat rough strap shots, everybody somehow avoids getting in the way of the others. Ending kinda stinks as it's that same 4 corners strap ending where the heel is dragging one of the faces around while he touches the corners, unaware the face is also touching the corners. But aside from that this was really fun.

2. Kevin Kross vs. Gentleman Brawler Eric Right

I like both of these guys and this was as good as expected, but it all lead to a pretty lame DQ finish. Kross has some of the best strikes in the fed, and knows how to do some cool throws, and Right knows how to work within his abilities and get a lot out of a smaller moveset. The match doesn't really have much time to flesh out, as Kross dominates him, Right gets a nice hope spot leaping onto Kross' back with his sleeper, and also almost gets to his tonic. I really appreciate how Right doesn't go for his miracle tonic every single match. He's really only gone for it a couple times during their TV run. It actually makes it work way better as a final desperation spot, establishes that he's confident in his abilities but understands when the situation is getting dire. Right gets the tonic and Kross barely gets it away from him, considers taking some himself, but opts to put it down in the corner. I like that. I like the sci fi element of him curious to try it, but nervous what would happen to him if he went down that path. Then Kross just gets DQ'd by hanging Right in the corner and kicking him a bunch. Lame.

Amusing Caleb Konley promo where he says he's gonna knock Crash Test Cody's good eye out of his head.

3. Crash Test Cody vs. Caleb Konley

It is humorous that they're now pushing Cody as a guy "with one good eye" as they've never mentioned that before, but I noticed weeks ago he had one weird eye. I dig it. And damn, maybe THIS is the best Paragon match they've done. Both guys kick the hell out of each other and it's awesome and relentless. No dull moments, just both guys going after each other with super stiff shots. CTC brought it and Konley responded in kind, hitting some real sick elbow shots. And that's the story of the match. Every move each guy did had some real stiffness and immediacy to it. Cody hits a mean cannonball in the corner, take a nasty throat first bump in the ropes, comes back with some cool wrenched in submissions (which one of the announcers refers to as the "Crippled Crossface". Eeeeeeeeesssh) and more nice strikes. Both guys looked really good here, and the whole thing was no bullshit. This fed loves doing bullshit finishes, so it's awesome that here we just get asskicking, with one guy winning decisively with his finisher. How about that? What a concept. So right now we have the fed's best and second best match, all on one show. Am I just having really great coffee this morning or am I crazy? (Shout out to Philz Coffee Jacobs Wonderbar dark roast. It's goooooood.)

I use the power of fast forward to skip allllll the way past Wes Brisco's heartfelt sit down talking about....well, whatever he was talking about. Whatever it was, I had zero interest in watching him say it. Even if he was confessing to all of his probable assault charges I would rather just read about that confession later.

4. No DQ: Hammerstone & Chamberlain vs. Wes Brisco & Jessy Sorensen

The announcers inform us that "this match will get physical". I mean...I hope so. It would be weird if a pro wrestling match somehow avoided getting physical. It's probably the one actual guarantee when watching pro wrestling. And boy this match stunk. Talk about killing all my lovely positive lovey dovey feelings for this episode. This is a No DQ match, that is worked the entire time like a totally normal, boring tag match featuring four boring-to-bad wrestlers. Even the announcers are confused as one guy regularly comments on how he was expecting this to break down at any moment, or wondering why guys were still tagging in and out and why the teams weren't just going at it. All of his thoughts were all legit questions. It's like nobody involved with the match knew that it was No DQ. So as a No DQ match it couldn't have failed more. But as a normal tag match it also totally failed, just because it wasn't good. The ending was maybe the dumbest possible ending the promotion has done, and there have been some monumentally dumb endings in this fed. Let me lay this out for you: Hammerstone and Chamberlain control almost the entire match. Brisco gets dominated (not bad as then we don't have to see Brisco offense, but at the same time that means we have to see his FIP face which is just horrifying) and then as Sorensen tags in, Chamberlain lays out Brisco with a belt shot. This is a thing that has been established for the team of H&C. When things go poorly in their matches, they bail with a belt shot. So this makes sense, and since it's a No DQ, it's obviously expected. Why weren't they beating these chumps with their belts from the bell? But then, instead of pinning Brisco, Chamberlain demands to be DQ'd. The ref shrugs, Chamberlain gets rolled up by Sorensen. Yuck. None of this made sense, and not only did it not make sense, but they went far out of their way to actually try hard to make it nonsensical. This was bad, awful, visibly stupid pro wrestling right here.

Two really fun TV matches, followed by maybe the dumbest match in the fed's history. What an emotionally confusing episode of television.

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Paragon Pro Wrestling 9/12/15 Review

1. Whirlwind Gentlemen vs. American Guns (Ethan HD & Mike Santiago)

Probably the best WG match, though I'm not sure what that says. A lot of Ethan HD in this, and he's a hard guy to nail down. One moment he throws this awesome lunging back elbow, followed immediately by kicks to the back so weak than Jack Manley didn't even notice them to sell them. Did he connect too hard with the elbow, making him tentative on the other stuff? No clue. Santiago looks much better. I dug him against Gangrel a couple weeks ago, and he clearly has the basics down. He knew how to cut off Manley and did a nasty catapult to him, snapping his chin under the turnbuckle. WG work a really boring version of the RnR formula, with Manley always getting beaten down until it's time for Marcel to tag in, and the matches almost always end less than a minute later, with Manley immediately shrugging off any of the beating he took while all four men go at it. Marcel hits a nice enough crossbody, but WG are just a really stale team. They've worked the same match every week, and they are featured a LOT. Also, the commentary crew pushed this weird angle for most of the match, where HD and Santiago used to team, hadn't teamed up in "years", but apparently talked on the phone last week and decided to team up again. A 3 second search shows that these guys are a regular Portland team. I have no idea how it hurts anybody to just tell the truth. Say they team up in Portland, came down to Vegas to make it on their own, it didn't work out, so they decided to team again. That makes tons of sense, and it's much better than "They haven't teamed for years, but talked on the phone last week and decided to team again." I...don't see the point.

2. Wes Brisco vs. Darin Corbin

Could Brisco be from any place other than Florida? I mean this guy just IS Florida. Somebody who never considers it a bad idea to have so many awful, distinguishing tattoos. I'm stunned he doesn't have his name across his forehead. I think the theme of these "American Title" matches is "horrendous finishes". We had the one finish where a sleeperhold was deemed an illegal choke. This week Corbin lightly tossed Brisco into the ref, and the ref called for an immediate DQ. I mean this ref barely got grazed. Some casual viewers may have even though the ref just accidentally got in the way. But wow this was one horrible finish. Match itself was okay. Better Brisco match than normal, but he's still bad. His gator roll was decent. Corbin sold it by screaming. Probably got too much time for what was actually accomplished.

3. Joey Ryan & Caleb Konley vs. Crash Test Cody & Gentleman Brawler Eric Right

The commentators call Cody and Right the "Crash & 'Stache Connection" which is...pretty excellent right there. And this was a good tag. Even the match ending interference by Lisa Marie was done well. Cody and Right make for a nice thrown together team, with Right breaking out underused offense that should be used more (like atomic drops) and even goofier old stuff like airplane spins (and Joey Ryan is at least a guy who knows how to sell an airplane spin to a casino crowd). Cody always has an intensity to his bumps and strikes, moves quickly; he and Konley had a nice forearm exchange with CTC landing a nice shot, and Konley dropping him with an even harder shot. It was so much more interesting than two guys jerking off and dishing out 7 or 8 back and forth elbows. There was another nice moment where Konley went for a Thesz press and Right countered with an atomic drop. Made sense, looked good. Lisa Marie grabs Right's leg as he runs into the ropes, and it looked so much more natural than the spot usually looks. So many times you see a guy noticeably look and switch the direction he's running, telegraphing the interference. Here Lisa was a non factor until Right got near her, perfect positioning from her, and it led directly to Ryan hitting the finishing superkick. Good tag. Crash & 'Stache should stick around. That's actually a marketably catchy gimmick.

4. Chamberlain vs. Jessy Sorensen

The number of title matches in this promotion is absurd. Every show has at minimum two titles being defended. The only time they've ever actually built somebody up to a title match was when they built Whirlwind Gentlemen's EPIC two week journey to a title shot. Everybody else just gets a match with no reason, no build, no prior week announcement. Chamberlain is here wrestling for the top singles title, despite never even been featured in a singles match. It makes no sense. This match was pretty lame. Lots o' headlocks, many of them not good. As they do, at the first sign of trouble, Hammerstone ran in to interfere and end the match in a DQ. What made no sense, is that he attacked Sorensen, meaning Sorensen won the match. Wouldn't it make more sense to come in, do a couple stomps to your partner, get him at least a DQ win? That way he could still claim that Sorensen didn't defeat him, he was the victim of unexpected interference, still deserved his title shot, etc. It makes no sense. It's all to set up what's sure to be a lousy tag match as Wes Brisco came out to save Sorensen, and also proceeded to throw some downright embarrassing right hands. They were slow, they were a foot shy of the mark, and he didn't even close his fists. These were bad. These were Chris Chetti working House of Hardcore reunion shows level bad. Yuck.




***And of course for the foreseeable future I'll still be running a fundraiser for a very good cause. I've already gotten a couple of donations and their requests will be fulfilled as soon as I get some time in front of a TV!***

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Paragon Pro Wrestling 8/29/15 Review

1. Tyshaun Prince vs. "The Gentleman Brawler" Eric Right

So Tyshaun Prince got a pretty long TV match, and it wasn't actually that bad! This felt like the best possible singles match to have against Prince. Right outruns him for a bit, and it actually gets good when Prince gets ahold of him. Prince threw some cool body shots in the corner, loved him holding up Right's arm before dealing a shot to the ribs. Then Prince does some elbow drops and while he doesn't drop the best elbow, he lands close to the body and that's at least half the look. He loses the point of the elbow as maybe he's scared of the landing or something, but it's a big body smashing into another body so it looks fine. Right fought out of a backbreaker with some knees to the side of the heard, and this was fine! It was fine. It was a long Tyshaun Prince match and it was fine.

2. Fruit Loops vs. Hammerstone

Ohhhhhhh boy we got Fruit Loops. Fruit Loops is a chubby masked guy in pajama pants and tie dye shirt, billed from the Haight Ashbury district. Ugh. But we can't just have a character named after a cereal, because REAL sports has to be integrated. Marvel as the announcers put over Fruit Loops' STRONG amateur wrestling background, and really Fruit Loops does not come off as somebody who has done anything athletic in his life. It's like when Jim Ross would talk about Rico Constantino being a cop. Who could possibly care? Are we trying to get a guy named Fruit Loops over as a game competitor? I'm not the one who decided to throw a chubster in tie dye. Your company is the ones who chose to use this character. It's like they did this and went "You know I'm getting worried people aren't going to take the guy with a handmade necklace made out of the cereal he's named after seriously enough...adding in some amateur credentials will surely make people realize that Hammerstone has his hands full." Hammerstone proceeded to have plenty of room on his hands. Match is notable for seeing Fruit Loops take a clothesline bump for the first time in his career (presumably. I hope that wasn't something he had actually practiced).

3. Mike Santiago vs. Gangrel

Surprisingly competitive match for (Portland area worker) Santiago's debut. The announcers talk about how Gangrel is "fangin' and bangin'" and how fangin' and bangin' is apparently a 24/7 lifestyle. Yeesh. Santiago doesn't bring anything noteworthy to the proceedings, but he has polish and knows where he needs to be in the ring and that goes a long way in this fed. Gangrel does his cool corkscrew elbow (including an even nicer bump for a missed one), and there's some satisfying little things in this like a nice back elbow from Santiago, and Santiago going up a bit early on the Impaler but Gangrel recognizing that and delaying a bit, making it looked like Santiago was really fighting it. The whole match they keep building to a casket match between Gangrel and Tyshaun, but WWE must own the rights to "casket match" as they have to call it a "Pine Box" match here. They said the words "Pine Box" so many damn times during this match.

4. Caleb Konley vs. Mikey O'Shea

O'Shea needs some fat guy offense. He's tall and fat (or "stacked" as the announcers refer to him. Yuck.) but always ends up working FIP during his matches, no matter the size of his opponent. I liked all of Konley's knees to work over O'Shea's back, liked O'Shea's missed somersault senton, but I just need more fat guy. I mean O'Shea won with a fucking schoolboy. A guy billed as 350 lb winning with a roll up? This is a problem. O'Shea needs to start working fat and stop working like babyface Torie Wilson.

5. Jessy Sorensen vs. Joey Ryan

I literally remember nothing about this. Watched it, remembered nothing writer afterwards. It was short. Jessy Sorensen was most likely one of the guys in it...that's the most information I can comfortably recollect.

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Paragon Pro Wrestling 9/5/15 Review

We start with a...not good...Hammerstone LIVE interview, who suggests Wes Brisco is only getting his opportunities because of that last name of his. That Gerald Brisco name carries some mean heft at Sam's Town Casino, I suppose. Was Hammerstone making a vague dig at Native Americans and casinos? I'll keep you posted.

1. Hammerstone vs. Wes Brisco

Good ol' clean cut babyface Wes Brisco. This man seems like somebody who - after sexually assaulting somebody - starts red face screaming about how his victim just main evented Weslemania. He also throws the worst body blows you've seen, and that's before you get a chance to see his awful stomach kicks! The announcers inform me that "Wes Brisco is working on a whole 'nother level" and I assume that means he has already conquered Sexual Assault Level 1 and is looking to graduate to Level 2 or maybe even Level 3 (Level 4 is presumably maiming your victim while also having full leg tattoos). This stunk.

2. Ethan HD vs. Darin Corbin

This probably should have been a bit better. It went on longer than it needed. Corbin knows how to jaw with Vegas tourist crowds. But he also has lousy clubbing forearms. But he also knows how to bump for Ethan HD's offense. HD comes out to arguably the greatest Prince song, Controversy. That shows some good taste. Working in Vegas he should know that the only Prince song that every girl digs is Raspberry Beret, but he cuts a little deeper and delves into the early funk side of Prince, the panties and high heels Prince, and it guarantees that nothing else in his matches will be as good as his entrance music.

3. Mikey O'Shea vs. Kevin Kross

Easily the best O'Shea match, even though he still showed he has no idea how to work fat, trying to end the match with a freaking sunset flip. What 300+ pounder is going to use a sunset flip?? You can just FALL on your opponent. USE YOUR FAT. But the rest of this was good, sometimes really good. O'Shea starts with nice body shots and chops in the corner, and then Kross shows off his own nice body shots (including shaking out his fist after, which is a quick way to my heart) and does neat little things like hold on to neckbreakers until impact. The back and forth in this was good, O'Shea hits an awesome fat guy spinebuster (that I don't remember him using before) with a nice sloppy roll through that kinda steamrolls Kross. Kross works over the body mostly with nice knees and slams. Kross is good, probably the best regular in the fed. But man that finish was stupid. O'Shea, large fat guy, tries a sunset flip from the apron, Kross blocks by holding the ropes and gets the pin. Last week O'Shea won with a roll up, now he's building to sunset flips? This is a misguided fat wrestler right here.

4. PINE BOX MATCH: Tyshaun Prince vs. Gangrel

Fidel Sierra comes out and says this won't be a pine box match, but then Interim Commissioner Matt Striker comes out in his wide leg jeans and says it WILL be. Well. That was easy. The rules are weird, as you have to pin or submit your opponent, and that gives you the right to place your opponent into the pine box. Tyshaun acts very scared of that box, regularly running away from it when he happens to wander close. And I mean...it's a box. I wasn't aware that being afraid of boxes was a black person stereotype. We can't just go inventing new stereotypes for black people. This is not a very intimidating box. It would make just as much sense for Tyshaun to be afraid of desks or clawfoot bathtubs. The whole match the announcers talk about Prince needing to face his fears. I'm just having a hard time getting too scared about a generously sized wooden box inside of a very well lit and well attended room. Outside of the silliness I actually enjoyed the match. Prince worked over Gangrel's body (lot of decent body work in this match) including bending him around the ringpost in a nasty way and dishing out a rough uranage on the metal entrance ramp while a guy in a wheelchair right next to the ramp tried to stay out of the way. For his part Gangrel took a nice bump on the wood floor.  Fidel Sierra gets tossed in the box, Prince cannot save him due to his fear of wood.

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Paragon Pro Wrestling 8/22/15 Review

1. Hammerstone & Chamberlain vs. Mercurio Jr. & Ethan HD

H&C are now being called Murder By Muscle which I don't think they've been called before. The announcers are smartly and casually acting like that's always been their name. Man is this fed generous with title shots. Not really sure what Mercurio/HD did to earn a title shot, other than be a part of a fed who needs to have three title matches every episode. HD hits the cool old Erin O'Grady apron flip rana into the ring, and Chamberlain does a nice little SUWA bump off a Mercurio rana. Buuuuut this overall wasn't very good. It doesn't help the ending has some time standing still moments thanks to Mercurio. Hammerstone tries to save it the moment by just kneeing Mercurio in the balls. And I can't unsee H&C's weird matching/not matching trunks ever since Dean pointed them out.

2. Espiritu vs. Suede Thompson

This is Suede's debut and I dug him. He had a couple nice go behinds, some weird southpaw jabs, high cradles. He keeps things moving too and doesn't seem to get lost like some of these guys. Espiritu kinda stinks and is officially the worst and least subtle guy in the fed when it comes to getting into position for moves, but Suede drug this one out and made it work. I wouldn't mind seeing more of him.

3. Crash Test Cody vs. The Challenger

So, I'm not sure how good Cody is, but he's a guy I want to like. He's got a weird milky eye, looks like an old young guy, and his name is Cody. You'd think with the Crash Test moniker he would be a reckless bumper or something but you'd be a disappointed human if you thought that. Watch as he grabs a chinlock on the tubby masked Challenger. But CTC has nice running forearms and you just can't underestimate the character depth that one, weird, pigment-free milky eye brings to things. Challenger wins and will certainly challenge other challengers in the coming weeks. It's a shame his backdrop finisher is not called The Challenger Disaster*.

4. Tyshaun Prince, Caleb Konley, Kevin Kross vs. Gangrel, Gentleman Brawler Eric Right & Mikey O'Shea

This coulda been so much more, but I guess it didn't overstay its welcome. Kross is the guy I wanted to see most in the match, so naturally he didn't get any time in the ring. We're building more Tyshaun/Gangrel long term PLANS which does not excite me. Konley is a perfectly fine chest out/butt out modern indie worker and I like Right more every match I see him. He leans into things and bumps big and throws a couple nice punches. That'll get you far with me. O'Shea finally does one cool thing with his fat by doing a pensive-but-still-fat cannonball off the apron into everybody. Fat being fat is always a win.


*Feels like a joke I've used before. If so, apologies, and feel free to tinker around with some joke-in-progress where Challenger ducks a clothesline, and how together we can call it a Dodge Challenger.

Warmest Regards, Eric.

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Paragon Pro Wrestling 8/15/15 Review

Magical Flames Rainbow Logs sure are a weird product. There are several commercials for them throughout an episode of Paragon, and I love the marketing. The first shot of the commercial is a couple about to fuck in front of a fireplace. They both start out of screen and then almost sit up into each other, man sitting up on the left, woman on the right, sitting up into view, sitting up into a kiss that gets cut off far too soon. You can only imagine what's happening underneath the camera, their legs entangled in some sort of epic kama sutra scissor, bodies entwined, pleasure soaring, the woman thinking "Not only am I 43 and having the best sex of my life, but the rainbow colors coming out of this guy's fireplace wood are fucking hypnotic."

I think a dad in the front row is wearing a shirt that says "Bear Jew".

1. "The Gentleman Brawler" Eric Right vs. Darin Corbin

You know we were gonna get some title matches on this show, and you KNOW you gotta get behind an AMERICAN CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH. Sorry, Mexicans! Man Corbin doesn't even get to hold this for one defense. After Corbin's loving promo to his American Championship last week I feel bad it's already in the hands of another man. That, slutty, slutty American Championship. Match wasn't much. I was kinda plagued by Right already doing death selling just a couple minutes into the match. Right throws decent punches and I like his sleeper. Corbin's cartoonish bumping kinda works for this fed. And somehow the sleeper hold is an illegal move in Paragon so the decision gets reversed and Corbin is still AMERICAN CHAMPION. Illegal sleeper? That's...weird. And also dumb.

2. Greg Romero vs. Azul Angel

Nothing timelier than a Grease gimmick in 2015. This is the TV debut of each guy. I was digging it until it ended with interference 2 minutes in. Azul had a couple cool things like catching a Romero punch in a t-shirt and armdragging him by it. It had a cool Finlay feel to it. Azul did throw some wimpy Mil Mascaras chop blocks and a silly backcracker, though. Romero has not been told that no human beings have sideburns anymore. When was the last time you remember seeing sideburns on anybody?

3. Joey Ryan vs. Gangrel

Gangrel comes out to a hip hop remix of his old WWE theme. It...kind of works. And this match also kind of works. It was worked faster than I anticipated, although Gangrel appears to work sloppier the faster he works. I get it. The math on that adds up. Gangrel still took an okay bump to the floor, threw out his nice corkscrew elbow drop, and matched Ryan's pace. Ryan tossed out a nice short arm clothesline and solid headbutt counter. We end in a DQ. Nothing is solved. We are all nothing.

4. The Shadow vs. Sugar Brown

Sugar Brown comes out in a baller letterman jacket with gold sleeves and "Mr. Kayo" on the back. The Shadow is some goober in all black under a black mask and comes out to the theme from Halloween. The announcers talk about his eerieness and how uneasy he makes them, but how eerie can a man in cargo pants really be? That is like calling a man in ankle socks "mysterious". And Sugar gets the motherfucking SQUASH WIN and I love it. Brown breaks out his completely awesome 360 corner clothesline and Shadow does a nice knee wobble after Brown's Kayo Blow. Fuck yeah. 'Bout time Brown picks up a win. Straight to the top baybay!

The announcer loves to add "Uhs" to proper names. He always says Paragon Pro Wres-uh-ling. Or Caleb Kon-uh-ley. I heard it once and now notice it constantly.

5. Caleb Konley vs. Wes Brisco vs. Jessy Sorensen

I will give the fed some credit, they always keep me guessing as to who's going to come away with a title. I would not have guessed Konley winning the title here and Konley is clearly the best of these three, so I support this. The match was pretty pointless as it barely goes 5 minutes, 3 way spots always look goofy (they did one of those superplex/powerbomb spots and this one was extra gross as Brisco was the one doing the powerbomb portion so you had him and his gross legs just burying that face in CROTCH) and nobody could possibly like triple threat matches anymore. Without thinking too hard about it, if I could eliminate one thing from modern wrestling it would be triple threat matches. I've seen more indy matches get fucked up because of triple threat matches. Bring in a big name? Let's have him give the rub to TWO of your guys by setting up a three way! They just can't help themselves. PLEASE just ban the triple threat.

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Paragon Pro Wrestling 8/8/15 Review

1. Joey Ryan vs. Jessy Sorensen

Leading off the show with a title match! This fed is kind of weird with title matches as guys defend the belts CONSTANTLY but they never really announce them the week before and sometimes there really isn't a reason for a guy to be getting a title shot. We just get title matches. I swear the might make up a new belt every single week to just give us more title matches. This one starts off good with the ref repeatedly tapping his earpiece and then wiggling it around and then giving a "it's not working!" hand signal to the back, which also happens to be stationed right behind the camera. This match got surprisingly good for awhile there, but in the end Sorensen really isn't good. I really liked Ryan in this though, thought he drug Sorensen nicely into position for things, he took a real fast bump to the unpadded floor, threw a variety of nice punches, looked real good. I really liked Ryan's scrambling around before locking up a pumphandle throw. It looked all quirky and Johnny Saint-ish, and was executed shockingly well. Sorensen threw some punches that tried really hard and aren't THAT far away from being decent, but they leave a bit too much light. His form is nice though, so they seem like they can be teachable. Ryan occasionally hilariously no sells them, as if he's never taken one of HHH's "Whip Your Hair and Say OOF" correspondence courses on how to take bad punches. Sorensen does throw a real great swinging neckbreaker so that counts for something. But he just looks bland and sorta lost in there.

2. "Big Money" Tyshaun Prince vs. Mikey O'Shea

Well, this was dull as dirt. Two big guys who don't know how to use their size, just gently clubbing each other for 6-7 minutes. O'Shea is so disappointing. He's a big fat guy with the softest fat guy offense you've seen. Baby soft shoulderblocks, sad corner clotheslines, confusing punches that constantly morph from left hooks to weird little forearms to the chest. Tyshaun is disappointing in a different way as he just slowwwwly stalks his opponents, has really bad missed offense (his missed elbow drops and clotheslines will never threaten to come near an opponent) and is just boring. O'Shea is probably more disappointing overall though. He throws southpaw punches which for whatever reason just ALWAYS look cool from a fat guy. Makes me think of a fat Memphis jobber with a bleached blonde bowl cut and pink tights. But his punches are just bleh. Again, though, oddly good form. Feels like a couple people in this fed are just a weekend lesson with Preston Quinn away from having great punches.

3. Caleb Konley vs. Wes Brisco

"A rematch we have waited one week for!" the announcer seriously states. A father lets Wes Brisco touch his young daughter's hands on his way to ring, showing the future custody courts recorded evidence of just how awful his parental instincts are.

But hey, I actually dug this match. They do some shockingly good stuff on the mat with both guys wrestling over a single leg in cool ways, and Brisco having a cool floatover from a pin at another point. Konley attempts to match Brisco's ick factor by slyly touching Brisco's buns a couple times while working the mat. Brisco also puts over Konley's leg work nicely, and I especially liked one moment where Brisco was on the mat and kept lunging forward on his belly trying to strike Konley in the stomach. Brisco is really bad at calling spots, you can constantly see him leaning in and whispering into Konley's ear. I have to assume this is just a bad habit carrying over from his home life, as he leans in to whisper in his victim's ear the next deviant sex act she's going to be subjected to.  Brisco manages to not break Konley's neck this week, the leg work was nice, I enjoyed myself. Then the awful figurehead of the promotion ruins my morning by setting up a triple threat next week with Brisco/Konley/Sorensen. That...will not be good.

Side note: This may have been the fattest wrestling audience I have ever seen. And this being pro wrestling, you know that covers some ground. Everybody in the crowd looked like a former Poison Idea bassist.

4. Whirlwind Gentlemen vs. Hammerstone & Chamberlain

Okay, so I'm kinda loving Hammerstone & Chamberlain immediately beating up the ref at the first sign of trouble. I was positive WG were going to win the titles here but I was realllllly hoping H&C would do the exact same thing they did in their first match against WG. I just want WG to keep getting title shots, H&C to keep cheating, and the fed to keep just shrugging. It's a problem in that there's not really any large babyface they can insert as the special guest ref to prevent them from attacking the ref, H&C are larger than every face in the fed. I kept expecting the figurehead to come out and announce some sort of stip match to give WG a fair shake, but he didn't. So I kinda just want this to keep happening every single H&C title match. This was probably WG's best showing so far, as they worked even but competently. Manley threw a nice low dropkick and Marcel has nice short rights. H&C can be a little too tentative and I really want them to play up their dickhead side more. I love the idea of them being among the biggest guys in the fed, who also cheat and bail at the first side of trouble, like meatheads who sign out of XBox Live when they start losing. More dickhead, less grunting-through-teeth.

This was probably the best show the fed has put on. Good work, gang!

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Paragon Pro Wrestling 8/1/15 Review

Looks like they're finally selling some ad time for this program. Every episode up until now had zero commercials. This one was filled with hair restoration products and "Rainbow Logs" which are yule logs that make your campfire various shades of green, blue, and purple. They even said "Build a lifetime of memories with Rainbow Logs". That would be the weirdest thing to have a memory about.

1. Darin Corbin vs. Mercurio Jr.

This match is for the "American Title" which....I have honestly no idea what that means. This is the inaugural match for the American Title, and it's between a guy who has only had one televised match so far (a loss to Gangrel) and another guy who is Mexican (or at least billed as a Mexican). There was no explanation of what the American Title is, or what being the American Champion will bring you. The announcers don't even really talk about the title during the match, just talk about how excited they are for the debut of Wes Brisco, and what an incredible athlete Mercurio is. Now, two things: 1. Nobody should be excited for the debut of Wes Brisco, and 2. Nothing Mercurio does in the ring will make you think he's a tremendous athlete. They are regularly putting over his speed, and his agility, but he always seems tentative and rarely moves quickly. No quicker than Darin Corbin, at least. Corbin fits into this fed nicely. He's good at showing personality to the crowd which counts a lot more than doing neat moves in front of a tiny crowd like this. He knows how to clown for Mercurio in a satisfying way, taking some goofy bumps that make Mercurio look pretty dangerous (loved his bump off a mule kick), and knows when to kill momentum by stooging on the floor. Mercurio throws a nice corner dropkick but that's about it. Still surprised to see Corbin go over clean here, since he's not been featured at all and Mercurio is a guy they always praise. I look forward to GREAT things during the ongoing battles of the illustrious AMERICAN TITLE.

2. Kevin Kross & The Challenger vs. The Whirlwind Gentlemen

Challenger is a short chubby generic masked guy who appears to be doing a throwback to how Ray Traylor looked as War Machine (except he's only 5'9"). He looks like a classic Memphis worker doing a double shot on a TV taping. They push him as a man with size and strength who's an accomplished mat wrestler. I just hope they make Challenger disaster puns when he crashes and burns. Kross is awesome and maybe the best guy in the fed. He has a bunch of cool throws and knows how to land a kick, and does a bunch of stuff I dig like shake his fist out after big punches. This is three WG matches now where they get dominated the whole time, only to suddenly turn it on and win during their 30 seconds of offense. It's a weird strategy for the guys being booked as the faces of the tag division, to regularly get shown up by thrown together tag teams. Manley is an okays FIP, but we rarely get to see them on offense so I'm having a real hard time judging them. I want Kross to keep showing up on TV though.

Yuck. We get a horrible super rehearsed Wes Brisco sit down promo, where he describes his style of wrestling as "extreme sports style, laid back, bungee jumping, shark cage diving". I have zero fucking clue what that means. That reads WAY more like he set his Tinder profile to "generic surf douche". A blind person would have been able to guess that his hair was tied up in a bun.

3. Espiritu vs. Wes Brisco

Oh GOD the tattoos! Oh my lord those are horrible! Wes Brisco has so so so much of his body covered in horrible same-blue-color tattoos. I have no idea what any of this was supposed to be. Brisco blows up super early, he appears to be working heel even though Espiritu has always worked heel, Brisco seems to be out of position for every move he does, and then at the end he throws in a worked knee injury for no reason whatsoever. Brisco just looks like rape. During a post match promo he now starts selling his other knee. God these leg tattoos are one of the more horrifying things I've ever seen. They look just impossibly gross. He looks like an extra from the beach football scene in Point Break, whose scenes had to be removed because he icked out preview audiences.

4. Caleb Konley vs. Wes Brisco

Oh god we get to double down on our Brisco matches. Brisco looks like Ray Wise's rapist alter ego from Twin Peaks, but like an early rough draft, before Lynch decided to scale back and not make Bob so blatantly rapey. "Bob's a horrible person, but if we make him look like this it's just too on the nose." We get 10 full minutes of Konley working over Brisco's knee, while Brisco is just the least sympathetic babyface in wrestling history. He's a sympathetic babyface the same way that a guy who doesn't show up to his child custody trial is a sympathetic babyface. So 10 minutes of leg work, then Brisco turns the tables with a flapjack miscommunication. Konley bumped it like a backdrop, so he must have been surprised midway through when Brisco slammed him to the mat in mid air. So Konley gets dumped on his head and folded in half. And then moments later Konley wins by holding the tights.

I cannot think of a less likable face than Brisco. And I mean that as both "not a likable babyface" and "his actual fucking face is horrible".

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Paragon Pro Wrestling 7/25/15 Review

1. Joey Ryan vs. Ethan HD

One of the commentary guys refers to Ethan HD as "perhaps a quintuple threat" and does not explain what any of the actual 5 threats are. Singing, dancing...maybe an acquaintance taught him how to do some entry level welding? Match goes barely over two minutes and ends with a Ryan feet on ropes cradle. He at least hooked a nice high cradle. HD bumps a couple punches really nicely, buckling his legs and kinda going down forehead first. Looked nice. Ryan bumps a springboard roundhouse from HD nicely as well. Ryan seems to be maybe the only guy in the fed who knows how to bump to the hard camera. HD starts to get crossed up on a couple spots so it might have been for the best that the match ended when it did.

2. Tyshaun Prince & Graves vs. Gangrel & Mikey O'Shea

Another disappointingly short match ending with Caleb Konley running in for the DQ. O'Shea is a disappointing big fat guy, as none of his stuff has much impact. Tyshaun is a disappointing large black guy as he has these light little stomps but scowls like he'll be a monster. Graves is a really cool worker who was pretty wasted here, used as cannon fodder mostly. This seems to be setting up a 6 man adding Eric Right to one side and Konley to the other, so hopefully that gets some time as I could see that being good.

3. Espiritu vs. Mercurio Jr.

These two have already matched up on this show and I have no clue who they are, whether they are actually Mexican or not, or if they wrestle under other names. Espiritu bumps around in front of dozens of tourists, old white men sitting with legs crossed and packs fannied, one of them pumping a solitary fist as Mercurio Jr. hits a big splash.

4. Sugar Brown vs. Caleb Konley

Sugar Brown is officially my favorite jobber, and I'm glad Paragon is bringing back the jobber (even if it's only Sugar Brown). He's got nice little worked boxing punches, nice snap to his bumps, and easily the best 360 clothesline into the corner that I've seen. This doesn't get much time but Konley hits a big shoulderblock, puts Sugar's punches over, and shows nice professionalism. I wanna see more Sugar. He deserves better than this, with some of the chumps getting pushed in this fed.

5. La Rosa Negra vs. Riea Von Slasher

This was supposed to be Negra vs. Lisa Marie, but Marie came out and taunted her a bunch by calling her Mami in an exaggerated Rosie Perez voice, leading to Negra getting jumped by Slasher. Slasher and Negra clicked nicely here as Slasher's power offense worked much better here with Negra bumping for it. Negra can ragdoll really nicely, especially as she bumps a clothesline off the back of her head. I don't totally buy her comeback offense against Slasher, some combo of Slasher not taking offense very well, and Negra's impact not having enough oomph.

6. Hammerstone & Chamberlain vs. The Whirlwind Gentlemen (Jack Manley & Remy Marcel)

Well I would have bet on the WG winning the tag titles here, so I will applaud the promotion for showing a little restraint. For the first few weeks WG are the only team to get regular hype videos, promo time, clearly treated like the kingpins of the fed. And I'm not totally sure why as other than their appropriate Peter Gabriel entrance they don't bring a whole lot to the table. They work long extended FIP segments and work as undersized RnR types, even though they haven't appeared to be smaller than any of their opponents. So their matches come off like them getting dominated and then just winning in the end anyway. So for the bulk of this match we get Chamberlain taking apart Manley, keeping him confined to their corner (the commentary made me smile with a line at one point, where they go "now the rings is actually twice the size of what we're seeing right now, you'll have to take our word for it as we've only seen half of it."), adding a few mocking touches like holding Manley in a pumphandle slam, walking him over to Marcel and letting him allllmost tag out but throwing him overhead. After this long FIP we get Marcel's hot tag, they do a nice double team where Marcel goes for the Code Red and Manley boots Hammerstone in the face to send him over. Hammerstone takes an awkward bulldog by taking it with a somersault bump. That's dangerous. I thought the title switch was projected with how how much they've been hyping WG, so I was fully expecting the win after Marcel's nice frog splash...and didn't actually see Chamberlain pulling the ref out of the ring and decking him. So I could see people not liking that finish but I really think it was for the best. WG got to power back against a tough team, get a visual win, Hammerstone/Chamberlain get to establish that they'll stop at nothing to keep their titles, and we eventually get to build to some sort of blowoff match. So this really felt like the best finish they could have done.

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Paragon Pro Wrestling 7/18/15 Review

We start with a real clunky backstage segment with a guy who is the owner? Management? Authority? Chubby guy in a suit? talking with his hands a LOT about how he needed to be here because with a main event like Gangrel vs. Tyshaun Prince, "a LOT of people are here". He then cuts to a video of Hammerstone & Chamberlain winning the tag titles, and then comes back and talks with his hands a lot while missing his cues and trying not to look at the camera.

1. Mikey O'Shea & Ethan HD vs. Hammerstone & Chamberlain

I had never seen any of these guys before. O'Shea is a large bald Irish fat guy, like Will Sasso with Smashmouth facial hair. I wish his fat guy offense had more heft. For some reason fat guys throwing chops looks weird. Like...just club them with your giant fat body. He also worked from under too much. I wanted to see him steamroll. Ethan HD is your indy workrate guy, doing flipping slingshot ranas and kickpad offense. As most of these modern workrate guys he bumps a clothesline well and occasionally has decent strikes. The flipping rana did look nice, and keenly set up Hammerstone catching him with a powerbomb from it later. Hammerstone mostly looked bad. He's a Thor looking guy who has the lamest missed strikes you've seen. He worked HD a lot (who is smaller) so it was a lot of cat mouse with Hammerstone having to miss a lot of strikes, and all of them would have missed by a mile even if HD hadn't been dodging. They all looked horrible. Chamberlain really didn't get in much but ironically was my favorite in the match. Threw a nice falling clothesline and did some real nice apron work. At one point he choked out HD behind the refs back and it was a glorious cheat to win from the apron choke. It was pro wrestling. Match was fine, meant to put over tag champs Hammerstone and Chamberlain.

2. Joey Ryan vs. "The Gentleman Brawler" Eric Right

Right gives out a fake handlebar mustache to a child at ringside. That's actually a nice little touch. This match was a nice little TV match. Right is a little schticky but makes it work better than I would have guessed. He throws nice uppercut punches, works in moves I miss like atomic drops and a good aggressive headlock (say 0.5 on the Dundee scale). Joey Ryan is a good guy for this fed, comes off so much better on TV than a lot of the waxed/oiled short brown hair WWE types. This was simply worked with Ryan controlling with stomps and decent punches, feeding into Right's comebacks. Ryan won with a spear, which was odd. I'm not a big fan of that as a finish, let alone with two guys the same size.

3. Nick Price & Kevin Kross vs. The Whirlwind Gentleman (Remy Marcel & Jack Manley)

A lot of gentlemen in this fed, apparently. Whirlwind Gentlemen are basically your Vegas LMFAO types with bad suits and bad big hair and colorful sunglasses, coming out to Peter Gabriel's "Steam" (which admittedly fits great with douchebag babyface charisma, almost like the FBI coming out to that BeeGees remix). They aren't very good, and it's a bummer they're being pushed as a big deal when a guy like Kevin Kross is cooler in every way. This was really strange as they've been hyping the Gentlemen with 3 weeks of video packages, and then the match was worked with Price and Kross dominating the whole match, and WG only winning by banana peel roll up after Lisa Marie's botched interference. I mean, if you want to push a team, actually DO IT. Don't make them look like total weenies in their first televised match. All the match made me want was more Kross throwing dudes at awkward angles.

4. Gangrel vs. Tyshaun Prince

Disappointing match that ends in a DQ. Instead of doing a heavyweight brawl they worked it cat and mouse with Gangrel dodging the larger Tyshaun's attacks. Except Gangrel is not very fast, so it was a very lethargic cat and very tired chubby mouse, with a hands on the ref finish. Bleh.

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Paragon Pro Wrestling 7/11/15 Review

Paragon Pro Wrestling is like Too Many Cooks, in that there are about 9 false starts before the show actually starts. There are several commercials for Paragon Pro Wrestling that air successively, and each time you think you're just seeing the intro for the actual show, but then there's another commercial for the show, and suddenly you're two White Russians deep and you're wondering when the fuck the actual show is going to start. There are just an endless amount of PPW commercials featuring every wrestler on the roster, set to AC/DC's Thunderstruck, and you're like "Well surely the show is starting NOW" and then it's just another trick and another video package advertisement for the show airs and just when you think you've had enough..........you get presented with a Darin Corbin match against a 45 year old vampire (but what's 45 years when you're immortal amirite!?).

1. Darin Corbin vs. Gangrel

Presently Gangrel looks like what RATT's dead guitarist would have looked like present day, if he hadn't died of AIDS. I love the announcers here as they really capture the vibe of off-strip Vegas, saying that they saw Corbin earlier in the day loading up on garlic pasta at the Italian buffet "but it doesn't appear to be helping him against the Vampire Warrior Gangrel". You gotta know your characters, you gotta know that you tape all your shows in front of 85 people in Sam's Club Casino, and these guys understand every wrinkle of this dry fucking desert town.

Just like last week the audio sync is off, so the thud thud thud of men stomping across a mic'd ring don't come close to matching up to the footwork of the actual match, so instead we get the appearance of two men fake fighting while an avant garde drummer just hammers out of time beats. Gangrel throws a great corkscrew elbow drop. Corbin has nice form on a missile dropkick. Gangrel catches a crossbody off the top and swings Corbin into the Impaler DDT for the shockingly satisfying finish.

2. Nick Price vs. "The Gentleman Brawler" Eric Right

Eric Right is the hipster mixologist I mentioned from last week's battle royal. Recently I had to serve MY COUNTRY and do jury duty for two whole days (didn't even get to interview, just had to sit through everybody else getting interviewed), and there was a hipster also waiting to be interviewed as well, wearing suspenders and sporting a delicately styled handlebar mustache, while reading a book on how to home brew. That felt a little too on the nose to me. It felt like a Chuck Lorre adaptation of a hipster waiting to serve on jury duty; the kind of guy who brings his vintage Royal typewriter to the coffee shop to work on his screenplay. Eric Right is not quite there, but it feels like he should strive to be there. Go all the way with it. Right does less modern hipster dressing vintage, and aims for more "guy working at 1920s printing press who enjoys himself an occasional scrap". He has a bottle of cure-all tonic that he uses for an amusing hulk up spot. That kinda thing.

And I dug this. Right throws nice punches which is a good trait for a "Gentleman Brawler" to have. His hooking rights look good and his left jabs look nice. Price is more of a Caleb Konley type in a fed that has Caleb Konley, but he worked a nice heel routine here, choked Right nicely (at one point hanging him in a tree of woe and really laying in his boot under Right's chin). They do an actual nice double clothesline spot, Price commits on a missed elbow drop, the announcer allude to Right's finisher being a top rope fist drop (which would skyrocket Right up my list of personal favorites) and Right takes a nice bump after Price yanks his leg mid fist drop attempt. This ends in a DQ which is meh, but I liked everything that happened between the bells.

Joey Ryan is doing another hotel room promo when he's again interrupted by housekeeping. He throws down moves on her (while wearing trunks and a towel) and when she says "look I'm just here to clean the towels" he takes his towel off, tosses it over her head and says "Then wash this. It's FILTHY." Hilarious.

3. Riea Von Slasher vs. La Rosa Negra

Von Slasher is Canadian and built like Mickie Knuckles, Rosa is from Puerto Rico and has been around for awhile, wrestled a bunch for WWC and IWA but has been working stuff like Shine the last few years. This wasn't bad but it didn't really feel like they had much of a plan. Slasher has size and a good large build, but doesn't really work as nasty as it looks like she would. Her strikes weren't too impressive but watching it FELT like they should be. I dunno. They work a really fun wristlock/monkey flip chain sequence, but things fall apart a bit when Rosa way overshoots on a sunset flip (and really why go for a sunset flip on someone who has 80 lb. on you anyway?), then we get a Lisa Marie Varon run in that leads to a roll up finish and it just kinda petered out. Rosa has good energy and showed some polish (really liked that twitch speed she showed on her avalanche) but this felt like it should have been better.

4. Jessy Sorensen vs. Caleb Konley

This was a serviceable workrate kickpad modern indy main event. This was probably the best I've seen Konley look, but sadly Sorensen had a real clunky showing. It's like he kept literally tripping over his own feet, and forced Konley to have to freeze time a few different times. Example: Konley gets tossed into the corner and Sorensen charges, Konley gets the boots up, Sorensen is supposed to catch them and spin Konley's legs through the ropes, but Sorensen whiffs on the catch so that Konley has to leave his legs stuck forever out, until Sorensen finally grabs them and does the spot as planned. There were other moments like that, with Konley hung out to dry waiting for Sorensen to get his act together. But Konley held this together nicely and really deserves credit for making this as watchable as it was. He threw some fun strike combos and mixed them up nicely to avoid the whole "I forearm you, you forearm me, we both make screaming double jack off poses". Instead Konley would throw a snug left forearm, mix in a nice body shot, spin with a nice back elbow, etc. All his shots looked good. At one point he caught Sorensen with some great body shots as Jessy was getting back in the ring. But it looks like this fed has chosen Sorensen as their guy, which I kind of get. He has a build, he's young, he's clean. But he also appears to be very much not good.

This week's show was a massive improvement over the debut show. This was a plenty entertaining, quick moving hour of wrestling right here.

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