Mini Complete & Accurate: David Arquette, So Far

So somehow, this is the 3,000th post in the history of Segunda Caida. I wish I was more prepared to provide statistics as that feels like a fairly major and improbable milestone, but here we are. The wrestler we have written about the most is Negro Casas. That feels about right. But there are many wrestlers we haven't written about at all, so I wanted to pick one of those for our 3,000th. I went with a guy whose comeback is just about as improbable as us writing 3,000 different blog posts. For a guy with a career spanning almost 20 years, you could say that David Arquette has had some pretty wide gaps in his career, and I don't actually think I've seen any of his wrestling appearances. He feels like a guy who deserves some digital ink on the pages of Segunda Caida, and when we hit 6,000 posts I can then cover the rest of his career from 2019-2026.

David Arquette vs. Eric Bischoff  WCW Nitro 4/24/00

ER: This is some first class bullshit right here, with several people getting involved in a 3 minute match, but everyone working stiff. Stiff work will make bullshit succeed. Arquette comes out and visually looks very year 2000, wearing tight black vinyl pants and a black mesh top as if he were heading out to a Sisters of Mercy concert after the show, and just in case we didn't know we were smack dab in the shittiest fashion period, he's got a crushed velvet button up shirt over it. Year 2000 fashion was all about being futuristic, and apparently fashion's idea of the future was that everybody was going to be producing skateboarder pornography on a space station. Bischoff throws some decent kicks and stomps Arquette in the collarbones, but then starts gloating, allowing Arquette to rush him and blast him with an awesome spear. And then the match lifts off to entirely different stratosphere, as Arquette hops around on one leg to get into position for The Worm. The crowd erupts and it's hilarious seeing the super popular goofus move of a guy on the other brand get the biggest reaction of the evening. Except this is flat out even MORE incredible because Arquette doesn't seem to actually know how to do the worm, and whips his face hard into the mat TWICE before dropping a great elbow. He seriously whipped his own face right into the mat, the first time enough to make me go "oh MAN he just hit his face!" and he kinda shakes his head a little...before doing it twice as hard on the second dip. Legendary status. Oh, and remember when I said people get involved? Yeah. Jeff Jarrett yanks ref Slick Johnson out during the probably pinfall, DDP tries to clothesline Jarrett (you see because earlier in the show Kimberly Page had presented DDP with divorce papers, so she was also out here) but Jarrett moved and DDP just decked ref Slick Johnson with an awesome lariat to the side of his neck, and then Jarrett nails DDP with an actual hard shot with the World title. Bischoff recovers and punches Arquette in the balls, then holds him for JJ to hit with a guitar, but you know Bischoff eats that guitar shot. And then, because the ring was not littered with enough people at this point, Kanyon runs out and throws some stiff punches on Jarrett, clearing the way for Arquette to win. This whole segment had an extremely rare combination of genuine excitement, high energy, and true idiocy.

David Arquette/Diamond Dallas Page vs. Eric Bischoff/Jeff Jarrett  WCW Thunder 4/25/00

ER: This is similarly overbooked as the first Arquette match, with Kimberly as the heel ref and naturally Jarrett's World Title on the line. Arquette and Bischoff brawl to the back right away, Bischoff eating decent shots into the guardrail, Arquette throwing weird but effective full swinging arm strikes to Bischoff's back. DDP and Jarrett work a more normal match, with only Kimberly's slow/fast counts making it feel out of the ordinary. '99/'00 DDP was really great, a wrestler who should probably have more written about him at some point, and he's awesome here throwing big punches (way better punches than any of us remember DDP having), a cool sitout powerbomb, works a nice nearfall kickout, and of course JJ only really gets openings when DDP starts arguing with Kimberly. Bischoff comes back out dusting off his hands, and he and JJ pick apart DDP. Bischoff - unintentionally or not - was a great stooge striker, because he was a "karate tournament champ" who somehow managed to stumble after every single strike he ever threw. Arquette makes his triumphant return hobbling down the ramp, selling injured ribs, and gives Eric another great spear for the World Title victory. And to his credit, Tony Schiavone gives an actual tremendous call of the title win, really hits all the notes you'd need someone to hit in this kind of ridiculous situation. And it's weird that WWE doesn't seem to have this match on the Network in any form. You'd think they'd at minimum want to point and laugh and pretend they never made similarly bad decisions.

David Arquette vs. Tank Abbott  WCW Nitro 5/1/00

ER: Nitro actually opens with a GREAT segment featuring Courtney Cox yelling at her husband to cut this wrestling business the hell out:

Arquette: "I just wish the belt fit a little better."
Cox: "Yeah, you know why it doesn't? Because you're NOT. A. WRESTLER!!"
Arquette: "Babe, that's no way to talk to the HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD!"
Cox: "Oh good god."

Arquette goes through like 7 costume changes during this episode. He was wearing something entirely different in every single segment he was in. No overlap. New awful pants, new awful shirt, every single time they cut to him. It was amazing. For his actual match he is wearing white wrestling boots with red and gold lighting bolts and blue stars (great looking wrestling boots, actually), brown and tan rider pants tucked into those boots, and a sequined forest green button up nudie suit shirt. Abbott manhandles Arquette, slamming him backwards into the buckles after Arquette jumped on his back, and hitting a big double leg slam. Arquette goes for his big spear but Abbott totally brick walls him. Abbott shoves the ref which allows DDP to run down for a Diamond Cutter. WCW hilarious shows Tank standing in the ring waiting for DDP to get there for 30 seconds, then cuts backstage to Bischoff so entirely misses the Diamond Cutter. DDP drags Arquette's carcass onto Abbott, but the ref is still KO'd forever, so Arquette is just stuck in time for eternity with his arm and hand draped across Tank Abbot's heaving bare belly.

Ready to Rumble Cage Match: David Arquette vs. Diamond Dallas Page vs. Jeff Jarrett  WCW Slamboree 5/7/00

ER: I've never seen this match, but it is an actually matched which was talked up as a miracle match at the time. The triple cage looks impressively absurd, and they eat up a good 5 minutes lowering the cage to the floor, shooting off tons of sparks as each part locked into place. Quite the amazing bloated bullshit show. Arquette is wearing a red and silver bellbottom suit like Vegas Elvis, but it's got these wild red vinyl lightning bolt suspenders that makes him more look like he's playing bass in Sweet. And this whole match looks incredibly dangerous but did make it genuinely seem like a big deal. This felt like the most dangerous version of a 90s Nickelodeon game show. Arquette doesn't really get involved in any of the action, more just used as a moving prop around the match long DDP/Jarrett fight. You have to actually go up through each level of the cage to get the title hanging at the very top of the arena, and there are weapons in the middle cage, and to climb to the top cage you have to be outside the cage standing on the middle cage. What the fuck you guys. Jarrett and DDP each blade and get good color, the weapon shots all look suitably violent and the brawling is good in a messy way. We get a lot of great, unique visuals when they get to the middle cage, as the brawl around on the outside of it, do a Dundee type spots where Jarrett gets hit and leans way off the cage while only holding on to a support cable; there's an awesome visual when DDP and Jarrett go crashing through the wall of the middle cage, filmed straight on so both of them came crashing at us, looking like they were going to fly right off the edge of the cage. Arquette gets involved after being not shown for a long time, and scrambles up and past everyone to get to the top of the cage first. He doesn't grab the title and instead waits until both JJ and DDP are climbing up to him...and Arquette turns on DDP to let Jarrett win the title, hitting him off the cage to the next level. I have no idea how I didn't expect Arquette to turn even while I was explaining to Rachel just how frequently people turned in this era. And to cap off this PPV, Kanyon runs out to attack Mike Awesome on top of the cage...and Kanyon takes a freaking insane flip bump, getting tossed off the cage and crashing splat dab in the middle of the entrance ramp. This was an honest to god lunatic, movie level stunt, a stunt that would look just as crazy if done in an actual movie. It was a Spiro Razatos level bump, completing insane. Schiavone does a great flip out as Kanyon lies motionless and the slightly caved in rampway, "We can't go off the air like this!" My god so many things could have gone horribly wrong on that bump.

David Arquette/Alex Riley vs. Randy Orton  WWE Raw 12/13/10

ER: Arquette is out in a full American flag stars and stripes karate gi to go with his brown belt, and is mostly on the apron during this match. He's really fun on the apron though, locking on a full arm choke on Orton at one point. His only match involvement is coming in and hitting an almost Bret Hart diving elbow on Orton, which Orton stand right up from. Alex Riley, who is not as relevant to 2018 pro wrestling as his partner, looks pretty good here; he has surprisingly good grounded punches and cuts low on a lariat, really making Orton duck as he ran off the ropes. In a match with David Arquette, it's notable that Riley is also the one who gets pinned. Miz and Arquette jump Orton after the match and a table gets involved, and Arquette gets powerbombed through it while Lawler makes fun of Ready to Rumble 11 years later.

David Arquette/RJ City vs. James Ellsworth/Frank the Clown  Warrior Wrestling 9/2/18

ER: I am unsure who RJ City is, but he and Arquette have matching tights. Frank the Clown is a guy who I've avoided until now, who apparently shot his shot from full court and landed Noelle Foley. Ellsworth has a really nice showing here, knowing exactly how to work Arquette into the match, throws some nice straight rights, works from the apron (including a great leveraged choke on Arquette at one point). We build to Arquette calling for the Diamond Cutter, which is nice to know that relationship has maintained itself over 18 years, and eventually he plants Ellsworth with it (who takes a great celebrity cutter), and then hits a big flying elbow drop onto Frank. After the match Arquette does a dive off the top onto everybody.

And tomorrow, we *just* might have ONE MORE Arquette match review. For now...