Wrestlemania 32 Live Blog

Tim Livingston is over and we're watching Mania while my overweight cat son Tacos thought he was getting a day of restful sleep, but instead will listen to Tim and I yell about pro wrestling!

Lita looks like she's wearing a sleeveless dinner jacket. You gotta show off your ugly tats at the grandaddy of them all!! Whereas Renee is wearing the shirtless suit jacket. We can all assume that Booker has no pants.

1. Kalisto vs. Ryback

ER: Gotta put over that US title by having it defended 75 minutes before the main card! I'm calling horse apples on Kalisto having a 9.5 shoe size. Maybe in women's sizes. I worked at a shoe store in college and I've never sold so many size 6 shoes to dudes. And damn this gets really good really quick as Ryback throws great shoulder blocks, Kalisto hits the Fuerza dropkick and Ryback don't give a shit as he just picks up Kalisto and throws him, and then slams him into the ringpost. And Ryback actually looks really great throughout this whole thing. Watch him whip his nose lightning fast into the mat on the tornado DDT and launch himself into the buckles on a low dropkick. Kalisto gets the flash pin and this was super fun. Nice little start to the evening.

2. EVERY DIVA IN ONE MATCH

ER: There must be something extra in my coffee because THIS starts really fucking good too! Alicia Fox blisters Summer with back elbows, Emma slaps the shit out of Nattie, Naomi takes a wild missed crossbody into the ring ropes. Naomi is flat out on fire during this, lacing into Nattie with punches after Nattie tried to do a superplex, taking a mean bump off the apron to the floor after Paige dumps her. Lana's purple gear looks awesome and i LOVE all the heat Eva Marie is getting. That girl has zero babyface charisma so her getting pushed as an unwitting heel is really the best. Things fall apart a tad towards the end but then Brie taps Naomi with a gorgeous rolling crossface and I'm sold. This was so much better than I anticipated. This show is an easy two for two right now.

3. Usos vs. Dudley Boys

ER: Short and sweet and about the best you could hope for. Mauro actually calling the hip attack as Umaga's move, Bubba does nice things like stomp on Uso hands while they're on the mat, and then Tim correctly calls that the Usos will put Dudleys through tables, and this at least didn't drag.

ER: I hate to let the Segunda Caida fans down but I've never heard of Fifth Harmony before.

4. Ladder Match: Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz vs. Sami Zayn vs. Stardust vs. Sin Cara vs. Zack Ryder vs. Kevin Owens

ER: Boy...they really dug into the roster deep cuts for this one. Ryder?? Miz has an amazing gold robe. Poor Jack Swagger. Everybody is on Wrestlemania except for you. And Texas' own Funaki is on Japanese commentary!!! I also love Cara in the immaculate all white gear. This starts off nice and hot with Owens/Zayn phonebooth fighting, Miz taking a bump under the ladder, Zayn taking a huge backdrop on a ladder. Ryder has a great beard and hilariously gets heat by breaking up Owens and Zayn. ZAYN WITH THE DIVE THROUGH THE LADDER! And then rolls right through and nails the ringpost DDT on Owens. Hell yes. Cara jumps from the ladder to the top rope into a gorgeous swan dive and then 4 men decide to not catch him. Gawd the Ziggler HBK aping spots are getting really terrible. Like he needs to go away. Or, again, just be a heel. We get the Dusty polka dot ladder and Cara flies face first into it as Cody Funks with the ladder. Then Cody takes the skull crushing finale on the corner of the ladder and it looks gross. Owens with the brutal splash on Zayn on a ladder and good lord everybody is showing up for this one folks! Tim fully buys into Ziggler hurting his knee falling from the ladder and Cara's dive off the ladder through Stardust on a ladder looks crazy and beautiful. Owens and Zayn make each other's foreheads and temples all purple by punching each other on the ladder, and Owens digs is thumb into Zayn's eyeball like a fat asshole. Then Zayn dumps him headfirst on a ladder. "ARE THEY GIVING IT TO RYDER?? HOLY SHIT THEY'RE GIVING IT TO RYDER!!" ~Tim Livingston. Zack Ryder just done fucked up everybody's Wrestlemania brackets. "After a decade of futility..."~Cole, calling Ryder as he sees it. Futility is defined as "pointless or useless". I mean, yeah, those can certainly describe Ryder. But fuck that's cold blooded to admit that's what you think of him.

ER: What's the over/under on how many times we hear about somebody's "Wrestlemania Moment" tonight? 13? 17?

5. AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho

ER: I'm not excited in the least for this one but then Tim points out Jericho's G.O.A.T. trunks and suddenly my heart grows 3x. I like that they're playing up Jericho actually being a couple steps slower by having Styles work a couple steps ahead of him. Michael Cole has tried to get a lifetime of convoluted catchphrases over tonight. He's terrible. You heard it hear. Jericho is such a bad match for Styles. Man they spend an eternity on the top rope doing...something. Jericho does stick the knee on the Codebreaker and that looked really great. Tim correctly predicts Jericho kicking out of the Styles Clash. And then Tim correctly calls Jericho going over in the middle. Gotta keep these rookies in their place brother.

6. New Day vs. League of Nations

ER: I was ready to fast forward through New Day but then they tip over the giant box of Booty-Os and it's like an awesome Double Dare spot as giant bagels spill out and I can picture Mark Summers yelling "gotta find the flag! You gotta look for that flag! Check over there!" And then I just fast forward through them actually talking! And then Wade Barrett comes out and kicks Booty-Os all around the entrance. Kofi does a flying stomp directly on Sheamus' balls. Rusev throws a gorgeous thrust kick on Big E on the floor. Big E gets a little bit too ambitious trying to suplex Rusev to the floor. Then catches feet on a dive. Tim says that "Rusev has transcended selling" over the last year as he just lies on the floor not actually grimacing or anything. ADR's big stomp through Kofi's chest on the apron looked nasty. LoN is hilarious in the ring afterwards with them all slapping ass and Rusev doing celebratory bicycle kicks.

ER: Remember, nobody on the current roster is as good as a professional podcaster, a dad giving stand up comedy a try, and a televised hunting expert. You gotta be reminded of this.

7. Brock Lesnar vs. Dean Ambrose

ER: I was really excited for this one because they've built up Lesnar as pretty invincible. And you know you're seeing tons of suplexes and cocky laughing, but how will Dean gets his shit in? And we do get tons of suplexes, and Dean hits him with a stick and Lesnar flees from it as if he was getting swarmed by bees, and then Lesnar breaks the stick and laughs like we want.....AND THEN DEAN UPPERCUTS THE BALLS! And Lesnar does the most accurate ball shot sells you have seen, and we have found his weakness. Dean jams a chair into Lesnar's throat a bunch and it looks gross, and then dropkicks the chair into Lesnar's face with the hard edge of the chair getting kicked into his nose. Lesnar's refusal to get a tan is really great because damage always shows up spectacularly on his body. You can see all the cuts and scrapes and his forehead turning purple. Lesnar takes a brutal DDT and Dean gets suplexed into a bunch of hastily piled chairs. These guys are lunatics and I love them.

ER: Can you really search for "Former Best Friends" and get results on the Network? Also, that Snoop microphone. Wowza. Sasha's Eddy tights look fantastic. Tim is flipping out about them. And finally we are doing away with the Jeff Hardy Bratz title belt. And boy. This match certainly is a three way. Sasha isn't great at doing the Eddy spots, but her frog splashing the girls out of nowhere during the figure 4 was great. And then Lynch tosses her with a trap arm german suplex. Flair flops onto Lynch during a tope and then it looks like he attempts a bladejob but I think I was just seeing things. Ehhhh they do some okay 3 way submission spots and a lot of this was pretty sloppy. Wreslemania moment.

8. Shane MacMahon vs. Undertaker

ER: Oh god in the hype video Jericho calls this a "Game of Thrones" situation. Oh brother. Shane comes out and I get excited thinking the Mean Street Posse is coming out, but then his talentless and charisma-free children come out instead. Those kids could have at least practiced the Shane dance. Shane's kids are duds. Undertaker really reached closing speed there during his walk to the ring. And hey guys, this isn't very good and it's making me sad. Undertaker looks like a guy who is being forced to be there. And the Last Ride is now a transition move. This is really sad you guys. Like this feels like some sort of wicked Saw scenario where two old men have to wrestle a match until one of them dies. Shane does the Van Terminator (I think that's the name? It's been like 18 years) and lands weirdly so the trash can gets punted directly in the balls. And then Taker does this hilarious crossed eyed lower lip sucked in ballshot sell. Wrestlemania Moment. Undertaker looks like all those videos of Danzig getting KTFO. Both guys stumble around and fall into tables and monitors. Shane finds a toolbox that's filled with neon Lisa Frank tools. Shane falls. He is noble. You still got it. Welcome Back. This was all slow walking death. I laughed. And I hated. I thought Undertaker looked like a sad broken horse the whole time. Or like a bear being forced to ride a unicycle in a Russian circus. I don't understand anything that I just watched. Where was Vince? How did Vince not celebrate or gloat or express regret over what his son went through. Instead we watched 8 minutes of fake medics working on Shane so he could have his Capt. Lance Murdoch moment. I'm so confused.

ER: I do love that Cole and JBL do their Owen voices for Shane, but then we cut away to Lita, Corey, Renee and Booker dancing at the eagle's nest and talking about what a blast they're having.

9. EVERYBODY GETS A PAYDAY BATTLE ROYAL!

ER: Bo Dallas' singlet looks like it says "RACIST" on the front. I don't know who Baron Corbin is. He doesn't look like any more or less of a star than anybody else in there.

ER: Wow this Rock segment is unbearable. His flame gun was one of the more spectacularly pointless things I've seen. And then he mugs and improvs for an eternity while talking about how people are so pumped to be there that they're going to go home and fuck without protection. This is truly the longest attendance announcement in the history of our great sport. Far and away my biggest regret of the last month of my life was catching up to the live feed of this show. This Rock segment is one of the most boring things I've seen in my life. It's so painful and slow and just bad and I'm hating most of my life decisions in this Wrestlemania Moment. This is the longest thing I've ever watched in my life.

10. HHH vs. Roman Reigns

ER: HHH kicks Roman in the balls and that's basically what this PPV feels like. HHH coming over to my house and just kicking me in the balls. This whole things really is a greatest hits played slower. This things is just never ending.

ER: Wow this thing got bad. I'd say the show got real bad in a hurry, but there was NOTHING "hurried" about the last 3 hours of this fucking show. I don't know why things happened the way they did, but I found myself asking WHY so many times that it just got confusing. Even if parts of the show weren't for me, I have no clue WHO they were for. I'm not sure who benefits or comes out looking good or who had Wrestlemania Moments or....I just don't understand a lot of what happened. Maybe I just have a lot of growing up to do.