Wrestling For Charity Road Report, Santa Rosa, 4/9/11

We don't get too many wrestling shows up in my neck of the woods. There aren't even that many shows that get run in the Bay Area period, especially compared to the rest of the country's metropolitan areas. So a nice early show on a Saturday night, $10, with proceeds going to the Boys and Girls Club was something I could get behind. Live local wrestling is the best, as you get a real good crowd mixture of a bunch of kids, and some hicks. No douchey chanting, nobody trying to get themselves over, just people watching wrestling and getting into it.

1. Battle Royal

A Battle Royal is a Battle Royal is a Battle Royal. You know? What's REALLY the quality ceiling for a Battle Royal? It all kinda depends on your mood. If this was the last thing on the card, the odds are pretty good that I woulda just called it an early night. But at the beginning of a card, I kinda like them. You're in a good mood, you're about to see some live wrestling, why not see a bunch of guys get chopped and eyepoked while crammed into a ring with 14 other dudes? My pick to win was some guy wearing indie wrestling trash bag shorts, but they were bright green and had the face of Michaelangelo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the butt, so why not? If he got thrown out, I could at least yell "Shell Shocked!!" I kinda hate indie wrestling trash bag shorts, but at least these were lime green. There were three other guys in this Battle Royal alone that were wearing the standard black ones. In 1999 we had boatloads of guys wearing jean shorts and black t-shirts. Now we have trash bag shorts and kickpads. These are the times we live in. Rachel picked some skinny waxed twerp named Kryptonite, because he had the most expensive looking kickpads. Can't really argue with her logic there. This was definitely a Battle Royal, which I always find amusing live (as long as they're kept around 10 minutes). Plenty of people getting almost tossed out but making it back in, plenty of idiots running at another guy and getting matador'd over the top rope (that's like Battle Royals 101, guys), plenty of eyepokes. That twerpy Kryptonite won. And he looked really horrible. So naturally Hurricane comes out and says he wants to team with the guy in the main event. Of course he does.

2. Mothertrucking Otis/Buggy Nova vs. Ryan Von Cool/Davina Rose

Von Cool and Rose are known as the "Hottie Boom Bodies". They have matching tarheel blue velvet shorts (that look much better on Davina, but I appreciate their dedication to looking like a team). Otis is a big tall fat guy wearing overalls, getting cheap pops by pulling out his American flag bandana and waving it around (a little late to the party since we didn't have a flag to look at earlier, while they played a CD recording of the National Anthem) and Buggy is a Hot Topic-y looking girl. This was the shortest match of the night, and they did about all I could ask of them. The girls matched up nicely and wouldn't have looked out of place in comparison to current TV women matches. Davina/Cool took some nice bumps attacking the big and tall Otis while using their Wesley-fighting-Fezzik offense. Otis was about as good as a smaller Plowboy Frazier is going to be, but took a GREAT bump on the floor after getting rammed into the ring post. He really just flew right into the post. It was the best spot of the match and enough to make it enjoyable.

At this point it became apparent that the ring announcer was coming to the ring more and more disheveled before every match. Like he was on a 5 day bender crammed into 3 hours. At this point the top button of his shirt was unbuttoned and his tie was loosened up.

3. Kimo vs. Aaron Solow vs. Perry Von Vicious vs. Matt Carlos vs. Rik Luxury

Not sure why we needed a FIVE WAY DANCE, but at least it was elimination style (so we didn't get a match full of guys breaking up pinfalls). Match was all action and pretty fun. With 5 different guys working, you're going to have a sliding scale of quality worker. Kimo and Solow I kept getting mixed up, as they were ambiguously brown dudes who seemed fine in the ring. Perry Von Vicious is a newish APW wrestler who is very pale and plays a rich snob. His manager is Matthew Theall, a poorly done Cornette rip-off who often clutters up APW TV with horrible color commentary. Rik Luxury is one of my Bay Area favorites. He's pudgy, with a missing tooth, wears a lot of pink, has ridiculous sunglasses, knows how to stooge, has a nice punch, and eats offense really well. His manager Markus Mac has really grown on me, too. He's a stocky white guy with long hair who wears a long fur coat and dress shoes that appear to be about 4 sizes too big for him, acts like a wigger thug, and talks in a real gruff, raspy tone. He can talk a mile a minute and rarely gets tripped up on words.

Now on to "Out of Control" Matt Carlos. He is a small flyer who does absolutely nothing out of control. Nothing about him is out of control (except spending money on becoming a professional wrestler...that's pretty much one of the most out of control things you can do with your life). He seems very polite and works a very safe style in the ring. He cuts promos that are very rehearsed and sound like he's reading off cue cards (but not in a crazy Christopher Walken way, just in a boring way). He did kind of a funny little brief jig on the apron before he got into the ring, but that seemed like he kinda practiced it, very controlled. I was really hoping he'd come out and grab a middle-aged woman's boob, or run full speed into a kid, or throw a chair at a basketball hoop, or not cooperate on spots in the ring, or key somebody's car, or leave in the middle of a match, or eat unrefrigerated meat. Anything. You know what the most out of control thing he did was? Wear different-colored shoelaces. That was what we got. We paid money to see some insane, out of control maniac, and we get different colored shoelaces. The thing is, they were perfectly laced. I mean, you've never seen a finer boot-lacing in your life! And these boots had at least 16 eyelets, which means he had to be very careful lacing them up, smoothing out the laces, tying them properly. The most out of control thing about him is he may be colorblind. That could make him a semi-out of control driver, if he doesn't pay attention at traffic lights...but I think that's about it. So, at WORST, Matt Carlos is a man who I would be hesitant about carpooling with.

All that aside the match was real fun, ending in one of those runs that some people hate (but I actually kinda like) where one guy hits a finisher, then gets hit with somebody's finisher, then that guy gets hit with another guys finisher! Is it silly? I couldn't care less. Something satisfying about a dude hitting a spinebuster, getting into it with a fan, then turning around into a superkick that everybody saw coming but him. I love it.

4. Vennis DeMarco/OMEGA vs. Chicano Flame/G.I. Jose

Vennis' team was managed by Alexis Derevko, which is frustrating in the same way ECW was frustrating when they would have Chris Hamrick managing Julio Dinero. This match wasn't much but it wasn't long, either. Jose was working an army luchador gimmick, with camo mask and cargo pants. He got crazy height on a dropkick and a backdrop bump, which is really all I can ask for. I have seen OMEGA look better on APW TV, and Vennis doesn't do too much for me, for someone who's been at this the better part of the decade. Chicano Flame has been around Bay Area indies for as long as I've been aware of Bay Area indies, and I'm not sure I've ever seen a great performance out of him. My favorite part of this match came when Alexis Derevko was taunting the crowd with his chain, and some 9 yr. old kid sitting in front of me flippantly said, "Lose the chain!" It was so odd. Like, 9 yr. olds usually don't speak in such a dismissive way, especially when some fat Russian dude is yelling. Just a wave of the hand, lose the chain, bud.

By now the ring announcer was really falling apart. Necktie still loosened and crooked, sweaty upper lip, brow covered in flop sweat. He was looking as if somebody called him before belltime and told him his family would be just fine, as long as he did the ring announcing as planned. Everything will be just...fine.

5. Jody Kristofferson vs. El Chupacabra

This was worked in a way that really confused the fans, as both were working babyface. But one guy is a country boy who doesn't have a heel bone in his body, whose father is a beloved singer and actor...while the other is a man with facepaint and fangs, who comes out wearing a cape with back spikes, crawling and snarling at kids...So the fans were confused when Chupacabra would work babyface armdrag spots, like a sheep-and-cattle-mutilating Ricky Steamboat. Kristofferson hasn't been working long (like less than 2 years) and really seems like he improves every time I see him. He's a big guy who crowds seem to like, and he looked good here hitting nice shoulderblocks, and looking like he has a lot of natural strength when it comes to throwing guys around. But crowd was too quiet here since they weren't really sure who to get behind.



6. Adam Thornstowe vs. Dave Dutra

This was completely awesome. Great, great match. Thornstowe is part of the tag team Reno Scum who work one of the only punk rock gimmicks I've ever seen that doesn't seem forced and phony. He's got a great look and is probably the best worker in the Bay Area. Dutra always seems game, had a cool springboard dropkick and did a neat feint (where they were both on the floor, Thornstowe tried to throw him in the ring, and Dutra just bounced off the ropes back to the floor and elbowed him) and they just clicked too well here. Both took big bumps to the hard floor, Thornstowe took his head off with a superkick, threw great punches, got dumped on his head and this was just really fun. Thornstowe a guy who I think would get talked about a lot if he worked anywhere other than the Bay Area. He has a nice set of offense with solid basics mixed in with occasional flashy indy moves (stomach stomp transition to senton looks real nice) and bumps great. At one point where both go up top, Thornstowe practically ruptures Dutra's eardrums with two of the harder slaps you'll ever see. Rarely do you see guys work stiff on the top rope, as they're more concerned with keeping their balance, so that stood out even more. Whole match was just awesome and I hope somebody was recording it.

7. Jack Brinx vs. Dana Lee vs. Shannon Ballard

Brinx is a guy who wrestes in jeans and a workshirt, who I remember stinking up the joint last year when APW came to Santa Rosa. Dana Lee looks like an extra from Gran Torino and works a generic 2001 Minoru Tanaka tribute gimmick. He looked real lousy on that same SR card last year. My brain remembers a clunky match filled with awkward kick combos and random legbar roll-ups and mistimed thigh slaps. I have not seen either of the Ballards in years, and instead of a Hansen gimmick Shannon now appeared to be slightly gothy, with eyeliner and a heartogram on his trunks. I hate 3 ways by design, and didn't have fond memories of two of the guys in the match, so my hopes were low for this. But it ended up being real fun. Yeah it had the awkward 3 way problem of one guy disappearing for long stretches of time, but it was good for what it was. Brinx threw some insanely loud and painful chops, Lee threw some decent kicks and except for one awkward kick combo against Brinx looked at least as good as present day Minoru. Shannon deserves all the credit for holding this thing together though. He took all the big bumps and ran all the miscommunications really nicely. Made me want to see some 2011 Ballard tags.

Ring announcer was on his deathbed at this point. Shirt partially untucked, his balding, thinning hair was now resembling Bill Murray during the final battle in Kingpin, sweating profusely, clearing his throat into the microphone. It was as if ring announcing was slowly killing him, and he was soldiering through it, mispronouncing as many names as he possibly could and botching the date of the return engagement (then getting incredulous when a fan corrected him on the date). I guess this is what drunken Santas do when Christmas is over.

8. Shane Helms/Kryptonite vs. Billy Blade/Kadin Anthony

This was for the tag titles, and before the match Markus Mac came out and got into it with a bunch of kids, saying when the Rock of Love wins that they'll also be taking all the money away from the Boys and Girls Club.

Blade/Anthony used to work a vampire team gimmick, but have been working a Sunset Strip rock gimmick as Rock of Love for awhile now, and I think they even got to go on that Hogan Australia tour. Hurricane looked a lot like X-Pac physically and facially, and I was worried whether or not he was going to "show up" for this random small show in front of 200 people. His partner was the aforementioned Kryptonite, who wore kickpads and was horrible. Just cheesy and wimpy and like the worst indy CAW you've ever seen. Also, nobody seemed to make mention that Hurricane was teaming with a guy named Kryptonite. I'm not sure what Helms' superhero weakness is (Twitter?), but seems like a joke somebody should have made. Haven't seen Blade/Anthony work in a long time, and they have gotten really good, especially Blade. They always came off really cheesy when they worked the vampire gimmick, but the Rock of Love thing fits them nicely. Plus Poison is a way better band than people give them credit for. Blade has really nice offense, some cool sliding kicks, easily the loudest and most painful looking chops of the night, and sets up and eats opponents' offense well. Anthony also eats offense really nicely and really fed into Hurricane nicely. Hurricane really showed up to work, crashing into dudes with nice shoulderblocks, throwing nice elbows, and the crowd was way into him. Kryptonite was horrible. One of the worst workers of the night. He had a bunch of flimsy flyer offense and he seemed really desperate to get cheers. His playing to the crowd was lousy. Match would die slow death with him in, but it made the crowd want the Hurricane hot tag even more. They really seemed desperate to give Kryptonite the rub, but what a twerp. Overall a good match as Rock of Love were awesome, and Hurricane put on a good show. Seemed odd to put the tag titles on Hurricane, since I'm not sure how often he'll be in.

But hey, good night of pro wrestling, and it was for charity so no complaints there. They said they'd be coming back June 18, and as far as I know I'll be there.