APW TV Workrate Report: 12/4/10

1. Timothy Thatcher vs. Adam Thornstowe starts us off and Thatcher is British, comes out to London Calling, and has a good build. Thornstowe is in Reno Scum working a punk stable kinda gimmick. Thatcher starts with some nice arm work (including stomping on Thornstowe's arm really nasty like) while the goofball announcer makes vague allusions to Rancid's song "Hooligans" ("a certain well known Bay Area punk rock band..." Not really sure why they had to dance around Rancid.). Thornstowe had tights and a shaved head last I saw him and now he has a goofy Mantaur haircut and silly skull shorts and kick pads. Thatcher is pretty engaging working the arm, dropping knees and elbows on it and bending it all over the ropes. Thatcher misses a corner charge and Thornstowe takes over with some soccer kicks to the face, but Thatcher comes back with a German suplex (and the announcer again calls it a total cringe-worthy "suplay", so apparently that's a thing).

Adam transitions back to offense after another missed charge and hits a pretty great stomp off the top rope to the back of Thatcher's head. We do a headbutt/chop exchange and then the two of them awkwardly mistime a superkick spot.....twice....but Adam covers for it somewhat with a stiff kick to Thatcher's chops. But Thatcher kinda just shrugs it off and gets the tap with a crossface for the win. Entertaining match and Thatcher cuts a condescending promo afterwards showing off his very British teeth.

2. We get a "classic" match now from 2/19/05, Kafu vs. Cheerleader Melissa. Melissa starts with elbows to stun him and follows up with a missle dropkick. Kafu levels her with an elbow and does some throws as the crowd feebly and uncomfortably chants "No means no". Kafu is doing things like pulling her up for 2 counts and then blasts her with a lariat. The announcer giddily exclaims that we might get some blood here. If they're gonna have a cute athletic girl in a skirt get beaten bloody, Bay Area TV 50 might also be interested in showing some apartment wrestling or crushing videos. I mean, if you're going to target a demo, might as well throw out a wide net. Kafu lands a ridiculously loud chop and gets the 3. A four minute man-on-woman squash match is a really odd choice to showcase as a classic match-up. It's like VH1 Classic showing a Tin Machine video highlighting Bowie.

Interview with Jeckels the Jester makes me magically skip forward in time using the power of DVR!!

APW Boot Camp students are in the back putting up some insulation (Diante is apparently the best at it! Sorry, Maria!) but they're interrupted by a doughy heavy breathing goth guy with a lip piercing and anal bead necklace who spits green stuff in some woman's (Tina!) face and she starts making zombies sounds.

We flashback to a goth stable promo with CORVUS (the spitting guy) who is with a couple other doughy goths wearing vinyl and brooding and holding candles and LARRY BLACKWELL interrupts and wants to join!!! Yes!!! The fattest, palest guy in the company wants to go GOTH (why fight it amirite?!) and he gets SPIT ON and Blackwell is IN!! He made a fucking rad mixtape with Birthday Party and Christian Death and Bauhaus and Sisters of Mercy and it was actually really fucking good you guys. It wasn't some greatest hits mix OK? He threw on some Theatre of Hate and a really choice cut from Juju and the real treasure was all the memories they made while listening to it in their BLACK CAR and drinking Dr. Pepper (probably the gothiest soda). I hope they recruit Dana Lee because the goth movement is actually looking for some diversity and could really use some chubby Asians to kinda balance things out.

3. And we get a match with the goth stable member OMEGA (accompanied by CORVUS and DARKNESS (yeah I know right?)) vs........Jeckels. Aw come the fuck on. They have to have a deep enough roster so that they don't have to give this chump match AND interview time each week, right? Right? Omega is the definition of a chubby dude who had money to either go to video game design school, or wrestling school, and he based his decision on which school would let him wear shitty face paint.

We start with a shockingly awesome elbow exchange and every buttery curve of Jeckels is on display thanks to his old friend "torn mesh top". Jeckels hits a vertical suplay (good lord) and apparently the guy working retarded carnival of souls employee is the babyface here. Omega throws a decent left hand and Jeckels responds with a really really shitty right hand and then Omega does Jeckels a favor by bumping big for a really lousy clothesline. Despite his embarrassing appearance (think of something Peter Murphy might be wearing in 2020...only baggier) Omega might actually be good. And then he goes and makes me regret typing that by doing the most preposterous triangle choke in the history of the indies. There was no hyperbole used in that last sentence. Think for a moment on all that entails. I mean he sets it up using a Shining Wizard (we here at the "Indiest Moves Committee also would have accepted it being set up with a Facewash) and then fumbles with it for a really really long time and man oh man MMA moves in wrestling are getting awful. Corvus interferes and cheats to Omega's transition and we get some knee work and Omega brings some real nice attacks to the leg, great kicks and a nice dropkick. But the ref sees additional interference and that's all she wrote. DQ finish and Jeckels is left in the ring making the shittiest faces you can imagine.

OK. APW. You have wrestlers that I like. But those wrestlers are not ending up on your TV for some reason. We better get some GOTH Larry Blackwell SOON and please stop with the Jeckels stuff. Please. It's really not good in any way.