APW TV Workrate Report: 11/27/10

I used to go to APW shows a bunch at the gym in Hayward, but stopped after the gym got kinda creepy. I checked out a live show they did in my neck of the woods earlier this year and had a good time, found out they had TV on a local station and decided to start dvr'ing it. I'm not too familiar with a lot of their talent these days, so you will learn as I learn.

Steve Stamp starts us off on the STICK and he has tattoos and is caucasian and doesn't have an opponent tonight so the OPEN CHALLENGE is ONNNN!

1. And Jeckels the JESTER is out wearing his mesh tank top that always makes the best bodies in the world look like buttery fluffy rolls. And when you have a buttery body like Jeckels then every nook and cranny is on parade. You got love handles? Let mesh top highlight each supple curve for you. His body is not bad, but so far Trent Reznor is the only person in history to pull off mesh top and still look fuckable. Maybe Right Said Fred. Jeckels is unhinged and CRAZY and makes all these really awful muggy faces and I know he's a clown, but this dude looks like a clown. He's been at this wrestling game for like 6 years now and still isn't what you'd call very good.

Stamp I've never seen before and he seems fairly inoffensive in that ROH date rapist lacrosse player kinda way. He shouldn't do a knee drop though. That didn't look too good. Stamp is on offense most of the match and Jeckels is really lousy at selling because he does a lot of goofy mugging and slithering. I'm not sure what his gimmick is but he's a clown of some sort who is sorta...dark? Jeckels pulls off his reverse chokeslam out of nowhere and that may have been the one piece of offense he hit all match and this was not that good.

It should be noted that these matches took place during APW's yearly Halloween Hell show, where the crowd is encouraged to wear their best Halloween costume. The results are usually less-than-inspiring, as you get a couple people in V for Vendetta masks, a busty woman in devil horns, a fat guy as a Dudley (**note, may have just been a fat guy wearing a Dudleys jersey), a lot of Kevin Steen costumes, pretty standard stuff. BUUUUTTTTT, two guys went as Weekend at Bernie's!!!! One guy was doing a so-so Andrew McCarthy of Jonathan Silverman (or might not have been wearing a costume), but the guy playing Bernie Lomax NAILED it. The other guy was controlling Bernie's movements and making Bernie's arms limply cheer and it makes me believe. IT makes me believe that this wrestling fan may actually be the owner of a corporation and he is cooking the books and fooling around with a mafia boss' woman. And watching wrestling. GREAT costume.

Will Rood is a smaller frame black man in a suit, and builds up his fight with Jody Kristofferson (Kris Kristofferson's SON!!) by saying his boss scolded him for botching some interference. Scolded him. His white massa boss SCOLDED him. That is the saddest thing to say in a promo. "I'm gonna beat you because it's your fault my boss SCOLDED me." My boss scolded me. What the hell is that? I get scolded by my boss DAILY. But Rood makes it sound like his boss rolled up a newspaper and swatted him on his shanks a couple times. He literally says he got "scolded" 4 or 5 different times during the promo. I've never hear that used in a promo before, with good reason. So this fight is gonna be ON because Rood screwed up at work and his boss sat him down and told him he was gonna need to kick it up a notch. He got a scolding. Nobody but nobody reprimands me verbally, and it's YOUR fault it happened mister!

2. The match itself really doesn't do much for me. Rood had a nice dropkick. Kristofferson's dad gets mentioned constantly by the fed and he does throw a nice overhand chop. He hasn't been at this wrestling too long, and Rood looks scared out of his wits when Jody picks him up for a powerslam but doesn't quite lift him well and starts to lose him and Rood's life flashes before his eyes and he just tucks his chin to his chest and holds the fuck on for dear life. That was what I took away from the match.

Celebratory title win promo backstage from Matt (something) is interrupted by Rik Luxury who is just totally awesome. Gets in his face, he's coming for the belt and I am instantly intrigued and want to see that match. Luxury leaves and the camera centers back on Matt and Luxury PUNCHES BACK INTO FRAME with the best right hand of the evening (and we watched a Necro Butcher match before this, so that is some high praise right there) and then just bails. I want to see this match.

3. APW has a ridiculous amount of alliteration in almost all of their worker names and it's a bit much. Annnnnnd our next match is Dylan Drake vs. Dave Dutra. They start on the mat and it's pretty nice, good struggle and Drake is looking sharp. Sadly we get a bunch of Dutra offense which is really crummy. Real stumbly sunset flip convinces no one and then the announcer calls Dutra doing a "suplay" and we all groan and anticipate him calling a "lariat-o". Dutra transitions to offense really awkwardly all throughout and we start to fall apart. Dutra hits a real bad bulldog and then completely BRAINS himself not rotating properly on a horrible missed split-legged moonsault. I mean he just WHIPS the back of his head DIRECTLY into the mat and it looks GROSS. Match should probably just be called as Dutra could legit have a concussion, as the back of his head whipped WAAAAAYYYY too fast into the mat off the top rope.

But this is motherfucking wrestling, so instead...

The announcer puts over the missed moonsault by saying "He could've given himself a CONCUSSION".........RIGHT as Dylan Drake gives him a fucking ALABAMA SLAM!!!! The SAME FUCKING MOVE that Great Khali KILLED a concussed APW student with!!!! In the SAME RING!! Do APW wrestlers not spend any time in the tape room!? "He could have a concussion!! --> Alabama Slam. Can you think of another move that could be WORSE to give somebody who had just moonsaulted onto the back of his head!? "Oh shit, this guy may have a concussion, I'ma gonna whip the back of his head into the mat again!!" Is the Alabama Slam after a guy gets a concussion APW's version of Survivor Series '97? And of course it doesn't get the pin. Jesus this is horrible. This is just a means to end the match with a Sharpshooter. Yeah why not. I was hoping for some unanswered punches to the back of the head, or maybe a couple spike piledrivers.

Well that happened. Let's get some Larry Blackwell and Rik Luxury on future shows, please?