The G1 Climax is a Concept by Which I Measure My Pain: Day 3

The tournament that has been a measurement of my pain actually hasn't been all that painful thus far, but not for a lack of trying. Let's see how they fare as my lazy ass drags the August Classic into October.

Block A: Manabu Nakanishi vs. Karl Anderson

Karl Anderson has been the MVP of the tournament so far. Nakanishi, not so much. But I'm not sure Nakanishi is an appreciably worse worker than Tanahashi, and Anderson did alright with him, so this might have a chance. I'm amused that Manabu Nakanishi and Daisuke Sekimoto are basically the same wrestler at this point. Anderson extends his hand, but Nakanishi slaps it away, so I guess Anderson is the face here for some reason. Although Anderson then does the "initiate a test of strength and then kick his opponent in the gut" bit, which is always a good heel spot. And well, I gotta give it up to Anderson once more. This quickly turns into a pretty swank match, and Anderson making me care about Nakanishi matches in the 2010 is really damn impressive. Anderson running the ropes trying to shoulderblock Manabu down, and selling his shoulder after each failed attempt was great, and then faking him out by looking to go for it a third time, only to turn back around and kick him in the shin totally ruled it (although it wasn't any more effective than the shoulderblocks). He also eats Nakanishi's forearms really well. One of them looked like it was gonna take his head off. Credit where it's due, Nakanishi has thrown two dropkicks in this tourney so far, and they both looked great. He's also done two pescados so far in this tourney, and they both looked like shit. At least this time, Karl got to move out of the way, so he didn't have to pretend it hurt, although Nakanishi still landed very daintily while selling it like he got splatted. But Goddamn, is Anderson winning me over. Anderson controls for a while, but Nakanishi makes his comeback, as symbolized by making the Sylvester Stallone in "Over the Top" face. We get a pretty solid finishing stretch, and Anderson goes 3-for-3 in having good matches in this tournament. Interestingly, Nakanishi held up his end of the bargain the best of any of his three opponents, and the result is the best match of the tournament so far. Didn't see that coming.

Block A: Toru Yano vs. Strongman

From the MVP of the tournament to the LVP...or so it seemed going into this. I was all ready to claw my eyes out while watching this, as you might imagine. Strongman continues to be more ridiculous than intimidating. He looks like Steve Martin in that one Hans and Franz sketch where he played the guy so perfectly pumped that he couldn't move under his own power. But Steve Martin hasn't done anything in the last decade funnier than Strongman's match with Tanahashi last night. But then Yano hits the ring, and playing a bit more fast and loose with the sake than he usually does. Since that's the only thing he ever really had going for him, I'm glad to see it. He angers Strongman by tossing some his way, and I start to think that Yano might make a more interesting foil for Strongman than Tanahashi. I mean, a box turtle would make a more interesting foil for any wrestler than Tanahashi. But sure enough, they open with the same "challenging Strongman to a posedown" spot, except Yano does it about a million times better than Tanahashi. And then he offers his hand to Strongman, and Strongman accepts, crushing his hand in the process. Yano desperately tries to escape the hold, trying to use both hands to crush Strongman's hand, but Strongman just waves a finger in his face and reapplies the pressure while yelling, since he basically is Strong Mad made flesh. And you know what? Fuck the world. This is a damn good wrestling match. God bless you, you 21st century Paul Ellering, you! Yano escapes to the outside, and Strongman follows, but ends up eating the post. Yano removes the turnbuckle padding as Strongman struggles to beat the count on account of having zero mobility due to his impossibly roided-up physique. He does make it, but takes an Irish whip into the exposed steel corner. Strongman makes his comeback, but Yano is able to escape a rack because Strongman's back is hurting from the Irish whip into the corner. Yeah, that's right, Strongman is doing body part selling. But he recovers from that quickly enough to give Yano a taste of his own medicine by throwing Yano into the exposed steel corner, weakening him enough to hit the torture rack drop for two. Strongman throws him back into the corner, but Yano dodges a charge and Strongman shoulderblocks the steel, buying Yano time to wedge a chair into the opposite corner. Strongman recovers and charges from behind, but Yano dodges again. This time, Strongman is able to stop short, but Yano low blows him from behind, boots him into the chair, and grabs a schoolboy for the win. And holy fuck, Toru Yano vs. Strongman was a legit good match. Not so bad it was good. Actually, genuinely awesome. I'm stunned. This is why it pays to keep an open mind, folks. Yano actually did the heel shtick well for a change, and Strongman was really fun as the powerhouse getting outmaneuvered by the sneaky heel. Who woulda thunk it?

Block B: Hirooki Goto vs. Wataru Inoue

Not really sure what to make of this match going into it. Inoue gave a really shitty performance on Night 1, and a better performance on Night 2, but one that still crashed and burned in the end. So at least he's trending upwards. Goto made his first appearance last night in an awesome match with Nakamura, but typically sucks, and Inoue ain't exactly Nakamura. I didn't set my hopes too high, which turned out to be a smart move. Match opens with token chain wrestling leading to a stand-off and applause. Always a good sign a match will suck. Match goes to the outside, where Inoue rides the rails, and Goto charges in with a spinng heel kick that maybe kinda grazes him a little. Here's a phrase you're not going to hear me say very often - this is kind of a letdown after the Yano/Strongman match. Goto's selling of his gut comes off as less awkward than Makabe's exploded spleen from Night 1, but the work around it isn't as compelling. Really, the match is just kinda dull, and I don't have a whole lot to say about it other than that.

Block B: Go Shiozaki vs. Satoshi Kojima

Even the ring announcer in New Japan has a fruity-looking haircut these days. Kojima gets in the ring and flings his jacket around like he thinks it's attacking him. Go has done an OK job working as higher-ranked guy whooping on lower-ranked guys, which obviously wasn't going to come into play here. Outside his comfort zone with an opponent who brought as little to the table as Kojima, not surprised this sucked. And hey, this also had obligatory chain wresting leading to a stand-off and applause! Thanks, New Japan. Really needed two of these things back-to-back. Again, Kojima's selling is pretty good (he gets his lariat arm worked over, so he has to use the other arm instead), but it's a bit of a lost cause, as neither of these guys bring much else to the table. At one point, there's a weird camera angle that makes it look like Go is doing a shooting star press when it was really just a moonsault. That's about it in terms of highlights. This thing sucked and just went on forever. Dopey finishing stretch where Go idiotically keeps trying to lariat Kojima's lariat arm, only for Kojima to lariat Go's arm first with his good arm. A few more lariats later, and the worst match of the tournament so far finally ends. Go and his mussed up hair sadly walk to the back as Kojima's Sega Genesis theme music plays triumphantly in the background.

Block B: Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Giant Bernard

These are two guys who can go, but sometimes don't. Wasn't really sure if Nakamura's shitkicking heel style and Bernard's taller Arn Anderson style would gel, but this came out really good. Bernard is a guy who throws kicks now, which is very funny to me. Obligatory opening matwork is actually a good, competitive-looking exchange rather than the 90's indy mirror-sequencey stuff we've seen elsewhere in the tournament. They end up going for a more of a big bruiser vs. scrappy smaller guy dynamic, and while Bernard isn't as good in the big bruiser role as Takayama was earlier in the year, he still delivers. Bernard knocks Nakamura around for a while before Nakamura dodges a corner charge, sets him up lying along the top rope, and hits a big Boma Ye that sends him to the apron, and a dropkick that puts him on the floor. Bernard regains control, and I am not gonna mince words: he ain't the brawler he used to be. He is strictly a guy you call on to do comedy now. It kinda pains me to say it, as I was an early adopter of his back in the WWF, but that's the way it is. Nakamura, by contrast, is kneeing the fuck out of Bernard, and Bernard still eats and sells stuff really well. He also breaks out that Rocker Dropper to the arm thing that he did last night again. That's a pretty sweet looking move. Glad to see it's a regular spot for him. We get a good example of Bernard as "guy who does comedy shtick" as he catches a kick, taunts Nakamura, but wastes too much time and eats an enzuigiri. Then we get a good example of Bernard as "not the brawler he used to be" when he charges out of the corner with a weak looking clothesline to regain control. What happened? I did like Bernard landing on his feet after Nakamura moved out of the way of a Big Van Crush. And Bernard just sorta throwing tossing him off of his back when he tried to grab a sleeper. But generally, the match isn't as awesome when Bernard is on offense. I also notice that Bernard is growing out his back hair again, for whatever that's worth. Nakamura makes his comeback and re-does the "kick out the back of the guy's knees -> Boma Ye to the back of the head" spot from last night, only Bernard sells the set-up better than Goto did, so it was even more awesome here. Nakamura is a total asskicker on offense. Throws a nasty kick to the chest to escape a Derailer attempt, and even floors him with a punch as Bernard tries to get back to his feet at one point, which looks way more convincing than you would think. A running Boma Ye seals it for Nakamura, and both guys get back-to-back good matches.

Block A: Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Tetsuya Naito

I tried to remain optimistic, but I still went out on a limb and predicted this wouldn't be as good as Yano/Strongman. Figured that was a safe bet, and boy, was I right. I really don't have a whole lot to write about in a match where nothing happens. I guess I can point out that it's a match where nothing happens for 30 minutes. Actually, at least one thing happens down the stretch, as Naito puts Tanahashi in a Texas Cloverleaf variant that has Tanahashi positioned kinda on his head in such a way that the move puts no pressure on him whatsoever. He is good enough to correct this by basically just putting himself into proper position. Have I mentioned that Tanahashi blows? This comfortably out-sucked Shiozaki/Kojima. Clearly, this shit merited a time-limit draw. Even worse than Go/Kojima

Block A: Togi Makabe vs. Prince Devitt

Well, after that soul-crushing experience, we close out the evening with a match that isn't a whole lot better. Odd to see a Makabe match opening with a friendly handshake. Makabe overpowers Devitt early on, while Devitt tries to use quickness to try and counteract it, but it's not terribly interesting. "DANGEROUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I like Devitt way more than most of my interwebs contemporaries do, but seriously, what a tool. Devitt also busts out the shitty Ghetto Stomp variant where Makabe is in the Tree of Woe and has to pull himself up like an idiot to get stomped. Makabe does uncork a nifty-looking kneeling powerbomb, so there is that. He follows it with a Polish Hammer that Devitt hilariously sells like death, and a great top-rope kneedrop for the win. Makabe was game down the stretch trying to save this thing, but it was too little too late. Makabe gives Devitt another handshake after the match, giving the kid his seal of approval. Would have been nice he got it after a good match, but whatever. We had three really good-to-great matches tonight. Everything else was utter shit. I suppose that one can't feel pain without having pleasure as a frame of reference. Tonight, they gave me pleasure, and they took it away, and they gave me pain, and boy, did I ever feel it.