The Quest for the Whitest Match in History: Day 1

Apocalypse vs. Orion
Matrats - 2001

Well, to me, it seems like the natural follow-up project to the Black History Month project, doesn't it? As a guy who hangs around Crush Kill Crush a lot, my first instinct was to attack ROH, and really, there are few things whiter than copying the Japanese, but then I was like, "oh yeah, Matrats", so that's the route I went.

Matrats was your basic Hollywood wrestling promotion, save for the fact that it was only ever aired online and it was filmed in Calgary. If nothing else, internet-based wrestling promotion founded by Canadian tech company must be the whitest origin for a wrestling promotion ever. Eric Bischoff was involved in some capacity, though it's not really clear to me what he actually did there. It was a "youth-based" promotion, which seems insane to me, since this is a promotion whose only exposure to the world was through their website, and your typical internet wrestling fan is either a dude who rejects youth culture or has been rejected by youth culture, so there's really no appeal there. Granted, they were trying to get on TV and PPV, but those plans didn't exactly work out in the long run. This is a promotion where the entire roster is attractive men under the age of 21 (at which point they get booted from the promotion, or would get booted if this had lasted long enough for any of them to turn 21 under their watch). Promotion of pretty boys under 21 of questionable talent aimed at young girls and gay men seems like the kind of niche product that could be successful, but you won't find that market this way. This is pre-YouTube. Hell, this is pre-actual wrestling fans watching wrestling on their computer with any kind of regularity. What kind of audience were they expecting to find? I'm sure they had most of their eggs in the TV basket, but they couldn't have expected that to be a sure thing, could they? They were trying to sell a wrestling show in the 21st century. Good luck with that.

So this is basically the anti-UWA, being basically the whitest possible Hollywood wrestling promotion. Tom already went over the problems inherent in Hollywood wrestling, and most of them are present here, save for the fact that it's Calgary, and so there is a history of white audiences attending wrestling shows. It's a style that I do think has it's strengths, though. Nobody ever talks about them, probably because no one has ever successfully utilized them, except for actual successful wrestling promotions. As really, there's a logic to approaching a wrestling show like any other TV show, and when you look at your more successful promotions' runs over the years, they tend tend to happen when they're doing this, consciously or otherwise, while keeping in mind that the show is in the wrestling genre. You have your show's big, popular "star" or handful of stars around whom everything revolves, compelling antagonists, a focus on traditional storytelling, a roster that the audience connects to as characters, and a general thematic connection between everything going on in the show. Hollywood wrestling promotions put a premium on all these things, and in theory, that should make them conducive to quality wrestling and/or money drawing wrestling. In practice, that never happens, because they're always run by people who don't know shit from shinola with regards to the wrestling genre, and they're usually not that talented to begin with, anyway. So would seem to be the case with Matrats.

We're introduced to the two competitors with a pair of quick promos where they give a rough outline of their characters. Orion is your cocky surfer dude who the ladies love, and he looks down on the other wrestlers who aren't as handsome as he is. He's ostensibly a heel, although he doesn't really do anything heelish, and "cocky pretty boy" is a stupid gimmick to give a heel in Matrats if you're not going to book them as actively heelish. Also, Orion delivers his promos with all the gusto of Ben Stein on NyQuil. I mean, he's a surfer, I can understand if he's going for mellow surf bum delivery, but he doesn't even get that. Apocalypse is introduced next, and it's kinda unclear if he's supposed to be homeless or if he's a college hipster who makes money on the side as a street performer. If it's the latter, that might be the whitest gimmick in the history of wrestling. When he makes his entrance, he gets on the top turnbuckle by the announcers and reaches out with a styrofoam cup looking for spare change, which would suggest "homeless", but somehow I'm still unclear. I'll give Hollywood wrestling this much, the gimmicks are usually pretty straightforward, so this seems particularly odd. I don't know what they were thinking here. Hearkening back to Tom's point about Hollywood wrestling having too many valets, this is a match where both men come to the ring with valets, both of whom are only briefly identified by name by the announcer before never being mentioned again, and were only really seen for about five seconds while walking to the ring before disappearing into the void. Seriously, there were two valets in this segment, and the only thing I remember about them five seconds after watching it is that I think the first one was blond and I want to say her name was "Muffy". Also, for a youth-based promotion in 2001, the wrestlers' theme songs were "Fight For Your Right to Party" and "Enter: Sandman". I suppose you could do a lot worse than that, but really, come on. And finally, before the match starts, they give the tale of the tape, which I wouldn't bother pointing out except they include little Dungeons & Dragons stats for strength and speed and whatnot ala Pee-Wee Moore's ridiculous plan.

Match itself wasn't too great. Orion - whose name is apparently "Evan G. Orion", as the announcer continuously calls him this - is actually not too bad in the ring. The ring had a ramp connecting to it like early-90's WCW or current CMLL at Arena Mexico, and he did a neat tope con hilo onto Apocalypse while he was on the ramp. Also had a pretty sweet super DDT. Apocalypse is a guy I've seen in other settings and liked, but his timing seemed to be off here. He looked as bored working this match as Orion did cutting his promo. Also, the ref has bike shorts, a loose-fitting sleeveless shirt, and a headband, making it look like a zebra-striped version of Billy & Chuck's old entrance gear. He's also booked as the toughest guy in the match, as Apocalypse, who was ostensibly a face here, suddenly starts pushing him around, and he easily drops him with a running clothesline. This is shortly before a bunch of other dudes run in for no obvious reason, and then a cop runs in and arrests Apocalypse. The announcer speculates that he was busking without a permit, which would seem to suggest "college hipster who makes money on the side as a street performer" was his gimmick. Who can be sure?