Segunda Caida

Phil Schneider, Eric Ritz, Matt D, Sebastian, and other friends write about pro wrestling. Follow us @segundacaida

Wednesday, May 11, 2022

There's a Picture Opposite Me, of Andre's Primitive Ancestry

ER: This was released on WWF' Unreleased DVD, and just look at that body language Andre is giving off before the bell. I love how the man leans into the ropes, love how the cameras cut back to him during Demolition's entrance to clearly show him rolling his eyes with a "These fucking guys" expression. Haku and Demolition throw down, with body blows and bad punches and a great missed Haku headbutt right into the mat. Demolition starts frequently switching out of the match, not making tags, just being annoying. It leaves Andre in the amusing position of complaining to the referee to restore some order. I don't know why it's so entertaining seeing Andre having a very normal conversation with the referee, but the whole situation kills me. Demolition is running in and out of the ring battering Haku with axe handles, and the largest man anybody in the arena has ever seen is standing in the middle of the apron arguing with the ref like he's on the phone with Comcast asking a question about his bill. "Well I'm asking you what the charge is for. No, that's what I said, I'm asking you." 

If I go to the doctor's office and the largest human I have ever seen is having a plain boring disagreement with the receptionist, it might be the funniest thing I will ever witness. "Well they told me my appointment was at 11. It's 11:25 and I have somewhere I need to be at noon. Yes, I understand how you can't control how long each patient exam takes, but I was told to be here 15 minutes before my appointment...Yes, Yes I understand that, but...Okay well the interference and illegal tags are literally happening right behind you...No I am telling you know what, fine. I'll just grab my little rope in the corner."

Demolition has a lot of phony tough guy offense, a lot of stomping to cover up that their strikes never look that good, but let me just say that ALL of Ax's stomping clubbing punches to Haku's neck looked great, and Haku finally creates some space by catching Smash deep under the chin with a superkick, finally leading to our actual Andre involvement. Andre's control is very brief, literally standing on Smash before falling to his butt on a missed sit down splash. Once Andre is prone on his back, that's when Demolition can run wild, beating on a gigantic man who can't seem to turn himself over, a 180 year old tortoise getting stomped and axe handled. Let me tell you, Ax choking Andre and bouncing him up and down on the bottom rope is one helluva visual, right hand wrapped around Andre's throat (choking Andre with just ONE HAND!), Andre's head and shoulders draped over the bottom rope. But it's dangerous just working offense on Andre without sticking and moving, and Ax finds that out when he hits an elbowdrop and Andre just rolls over and starts to smother him. Ax made the foolish decision to lie down directly next to the wounded bear, and was somehow surprised when that bear just rolled over and wouldn't let go. Old Andre on offense is great, as he drops down with that butt splash (holding onto the middle rope for easy plopping), and I love how his eyes go wide with excitement when Haku smashes Ax's head into Andre's gigantic head. 

The finish run has a couple of my favorite ever Andre moments. The first is when he's holding Ax in the corner, pressing in with his butt, and when Ax tries to worm away from the expected Haku charge Andre just grabs Ax by the straps and throws him back into the corner like he's tossing a backpack into his car. I don't know if I ever saw Demolition's Cruising straps used against them and here's Andre just throwing that man by them like it's nothing. Right after that we get an even more incredible Andre moment, one that showcases how much better his physical acting was than any other wrestler's: After throwing Ax by the straps, Andre immediately begins talking shit to Smash, rubbing it in that he and Haku were wasting the old man, without realizing that Haku missed the avalanche. When he notices this and sees Ax crawling away like an escaped lobster, he yells out Hey! the way a giant yells Hey! and then just kicks Ax in the ribs.

Demolition's hot tag is strong, starting with Haku running into a hard Ax back elbow and taking a high backdrop for Smash. Andre drops down into the ropes in a cool way off a Smash clothesline, and a Demolition tandem lariat staggers him and drops him to his butt. Sadly, the finish is a bad one, just Demolition taking the Colossal Connections' belts and using them as a weapon in full view of the ref, Andre getting the hell out of the arena without even considering retrieving that belt. The concierge service, you see, takes care of that. 

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