Uprising: Lucha Libre Workrate Report 9/27/14

As best I can tell this didn't air last week, or it just aired at a different pay for play time. Whatever my DVR recorded was some sort of music festival held in the parking lot of a Mexican market. There was a 7 year old girl who was pretty impressive. And a 12 year old boy who had a lot of work to do with his stage directions. He spent a lot of time not knowing what to do with his non-mic hand, and stared down at the stage a lot.

Talk about feast or famine. The last several weeks (for better or worse) we've been getting matches from PWR's most recent 2014 shows. And now we get matches from 2/27/10, almost 5 years ago! You can tell it was another lifetime ago because Brian Cage is at ringside and looks closer to my size than the freakish size he is today. Or, he actually looks like a normal human being than a bloated, gassed up freak.

1. Kafu vs. Vaquero Fantasma

I'll cut to the chase on this match and say that it went 8 minutes and ended in a double count out. Maybe you have a better explanation than me as to why they'd pay money to show a 5 year old match as inconsequential as this. Surely they have better classic matches than this in their archives? You could argue that both of these guys are still PWR regulars, so here's a look back at an earlier match in their PWR career. I could see that. Now, the problem with that is that both guys looked in way better shape here than they currently are. It was especially noticeable in Fantasma, who was not only way more slender but wrestled noticeably better. I've seen him live a couple of times and always wondered why he seemed better on TV than in person, and now I know. The live matches are current, the TV matches I liked him in were all from 2010. It's kind of shocking to see how much he's regressed as a worker, but there it is. He looked really good here, bringing a lot of energy and nice strikes to it. I really loved his body punches and chops, and he leaned into some Kafu kicks nicely. Kafu looked sluggish as usual. Here he was in full faux Brody mode (keep in mind he's a guy who actually said he had never seen Brody wrestle before. He just must have decided independently to wear fur boots, stomp around holding his wrist and yelling "Huss!"), meaning he threw some of the loosest stomps you've seen. Kafu wrestles like a giant power wrestler, with the problem being that he's not very powerful, and not a giant. He's 6'2" tops, and while his physique has never looked powerful, he's also never shown any kind of impressive strength that would still be possible with a meh body. He throws these dinky little clotheslines that look more like little running punches. Just bad looking stuff. So yeah, we get some guys doing stuff, before Fantasma just leaves the ring with Kafu chasing, and we get the double count out. Yay! Here's what Pro Wrestling Revolution themselves had to say about this match:

"KAFU picked up from when we last saw him and became an over night sensation. Vaquero Fantasma is on the same boat but with not the same amount of fans in his corner."

I'm…not sure what any of that means.

2. Pierrothito vs. Ultimo Dragoncito

Pretty cut and dry touring match for these guys. This is not the UD that is currently in CMLL, this guy is little smaller, slightly more stocky. But if somebody told you that you were about to watch a 7 minute lucha minis singles match, you could jot down the framework of this match ahead of time and easily predict 80% of this. We start with some fun comedy matwork, with UD being the aggressor and trying to work power moves like waist locks and headlocks, with Pierrothito tossing him all around. UD locks on some armbars which Pierrothito stands up out of, with UD getting him back down with armdrags into armbars. Pierrothito bumps nicely to the floor and we get two nice big dives from UD, one large crossbody from the top, and another tope through the bottom ropes. Back in we hit some roll-ups, with the weakest looking one (a majistral that looked like it was not easily holding Pierrothito down) winning the match even though Pierrothito clearly kicked out at two, which leads to awkwardness as even the announcers (recording this in post) don't know what to make of it at first. Seems like an odd thing to purposely include in the broadcast.

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Uprising: Lucha Libre Workrate Report 2/15/14

This is appropriate as this match is from their 2/23/13 San Francisco show at John O'Connell high school, which is exactly where I am going tonight to see them. So they're showing the main event to their last show there, right before the next show. That's a cool idea. Good work, guys. They had a couple full commercials advertising tonight's show as well, though oddly billing Rocky Romero as 2nd from the top. You obviously lead with Blue Demon Jr., but I would think Super Crazy would be your 2nd lead. Who even knows who Rocky Romero is?

1. Brian Cage, Derek Sanders & Phoenix Star vs. Blue Demon Jr., El Dinamita & Kafu

Kafu is billed as being 6'4" which is hilarious as that means Demon would be about 6'1", and if you've ever stood next to a luchador you know the odds of them being over 6' are slim. We get a lot of ganging up on Demon to start which is cool, as most Demon matches I've seen don't see him selling or showing much ass. But all the rudos here get to take turns chopping him while he is helpless. Brian Cage is freaking massive at this point. He's close to Jon Anderson levels. He has a look that would work well in WWE, if they didn't do wellness testing. You know who may be a worse wrestler than Blue Demon Jr.? Kafu. I remember when this guy broke into APW and had a silly capoeira gimmick, and then went through his long Brody gimmick, and now is just some sort of semi-Brody who has been working 12 years and can't throw a clothesline. I don't think I've ever seen a match of his where he was anything but the worst guy in the match. Gotta tip my cap to Demon in this one as he clearly has his working boots on in this match. His kicks on Cage look real nice, then he does a nice double dropkick to clear Cage/Sanders out of the ring, and then actually breaks out a spinning headscissors against Phoenix Star! Follows that up with a nice baseball slide dropkick to the floor with a cool uppercut I've never seen him use. Who the hell is this guy? I hope he shows up when I'm there tonight. The match itself was fine, if not a little predictable. Once the tecnicos took over at the 2/3 point there was no real looking back. Not excited at all for the feuding refs things they have going on between Sparky Ballard and Tom Castor. Match ends with Sparky pulling up lame during Blue Demon's likely pinfall victory, but then Tom Castor saves the day by running in and usurping Sparky's authority. Man I don't want to see feuding refs. Maybe if the good guy ref was like a local kid with cancer or something and he got to come in and be the hero. I think that's the only thing that could make me enjoy that spot. I want my refs to be wallpaper, not focal angles during a match.

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Uprising: Lucha Libre Workrate Report 1/11/14

According to Pro Wrestling Revolution's website, this 7/28/12 show from Watsonville, CA was a show "that Watsonville, CA will never forget!" So either Watsonville had their socks knocked on their ass by some awesome wrestling, or there was a horrible tragedy that will necessitate in memoriam t-shirts printed up so that they never forget that one horrible, tragic day in Watsonville.

1. Kafu & El Dinamita vs. Rik Luxury & Famous B

Man Kafu just brings nothing to the table. He's sorta big, he has no presence whatsoever, almost all of his moves are horrible 2008 Roderick Strong backbreaker variations (a chokeslam into an over-the-knee backbreaker is so fucking stupid that he deserves crippled arthritic knees in his late 30s. That is the most indy-riffic move I have seen in a looooong time. I'm surprised it wasn't a chokeslam into a backcracker), he throws some wimpy clotheslines, he constantly telegraphs his spots, etc. He's just a bad worker, and he's not only been working for over a decade, but he's been pushed as a top Bay Area indy guy for almost as long. He was signed to WWE developmental  and worked as a doofus Brody clone for awhile. He wore big fur boots and did every trademark Brody spot, and then hilariously claimed in an interview that he had never heard of Bruiser Brody. I wish I could find some Brian De Palma interview circa-"Body Double" where he claimed he had never heard of Hitchcock, never seen "Rear Window, only heard of "Vertigo" in reference to dizziness. It should be noted that I *LOVE* Brian De Palma, and have never enjoyed a Kafu match in the slightest, so any "Blow Out" fans out there don't get all worked up thinking I was making a direct De Palma/Kafu comparison.

Pro Wrestling Revolution seems really obsessed with getting over their referees. The announcers talk about them constantly, way more than they mention the workers by name during a match. Sparky Ballard and Tom Castor, Sparky Ballard and Tom Castor, Sparky Ballard and Tom Castor. Tom Castor is a hispanic referee who works like a totally normal referee, but the announcers talk about him so much during the match it comes off really strange. You would never even notice him as a referee if they weren't constantly talking about him. It's so bizarre. A tecnico will take a big move, kick out, and the announcers will praise Tom Castor for being in position to make the call. Can you imagine CM Punk kicking out of the RKO and hearing the announce team put over Mike Chioda for counting? WWE has fucking Scott Armstrong as a ref and he's only even been referred to by name a few times over the last 8 years on TV. You know why? Because nobody watching pro wrestling gives a flying fuck about who is refereeing the match, even if it's somebody fucking killer like Scott Armstrong. Refs are fucking wallpaper. Keep that shit in the background.

Tag match itself was pedestrian. Kafu stinks, and Dinamita is a slightly better Kafu clone (they look really similar, Dinamita seems more athletic). Match structure is kinda killed as Famous B/Luxury have to act like Kafu and Dinamita are giant monsters, but Kafu and Luxury are essentially the same size, so you get a lot of fear stooging, but Kafu doesn't have an ounce of fearsome presence so this is kinda dead on arrival.

Also, not one second of lucha libre in this (there was an armdrag, so...there you go). I may have to retitle these "Uprising Lucha Libre: Not Sure What They're Going For Here" since I find myself saying that outloud whenever I watch it.

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Uprising: Lucha Libre Workrate Report, 10/20/13

Alright, so with this episode (with more matches from the 5/11/13 show in Turlock), literally EVERY match on that card EXCEPT for the Santo match has now been aired. Does the match exist on tape? Did the match actually even happen?

1. Pantera/Famous B vs. Kafu/Dinamita

I realize fairly early that this is not the real Pantera, just some guy. Kafu and Dinamita are two Brody-ish clones (But look more like El Terrible a few weeks after losing a hair match). Match is structured really weird as Kafu is billed at 6'4" and 240, and Dinamita looks to be the same size or larger. But they're both working FIP to Famous B and Pantera who each look about 70 lbs smaller. None of the heel control segments worked well, as neither Pantera or Famous B seemed believable enough to control two significantly larger dudes. There was a real ugly Total Elimination where Pantera's weak leg sweep and Famous B's whiffed spin kick left Kafu just kinda windmilling his arms around before just softly bumping. Kafu is a guy who started in APW over a decade ago, and still does not look good at all in the ring. He had a WWE developmental deal at one point, but still looks tentative and soft in the ring. Real light clotheslines thrown at half speed, slow big boots, okayish knee drop. Leaves a LOT to be desired. Dinamita on the other hand looked like somebody I would want to see again. Everything Kafu did lousy, Dinamita made look good. Plus he busted out a real nice rana, big slingshot somersault senton, squashed Pantera with a back senton, etc. His offense didn't fit his look at all, as he's decked out like Brody but then does moves like a 170 lb indy undercarder (I'm gonna catch your bodypress off the top with a Diamondcutter!!!). Face-dominating tag matches are pretty pointless, especially when your two faces tower over the two "heels" (who didn't really attempt to be heels). Still, goofiness aside, I'd like to see more Dinamita. Preferably not with the other three. Also Sparky Ballard now appears to be working a heel ref gimmick but completely half-assed, as the only times you would notice it would be when he'd slow count Kafu or Dinamita, and then after the match he was pissed that they won. Other than that he was totally normal. I don't get it.

2. Cheerleader Melissa vs. Ivelisse Velez

Short match, just a few minutes. Ivelisse didn't really look that good. I have almost zero memory of her on Tough Enough, but she apparently hasn't learned tons since then. There really just isn't much that happens here. Melissa carries her through some sequences, Velez throws a weak kick to the stomach, Melissa ends up winning after a nasty curbstomp and a cool surfboard variation. Too short to be much of anything.

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APW TV Workrate Report: 12/4/10

1. Timothy Thatcher vs. Adam Thornstowe starts us off and Thatcher is British, comes out to London Calling, and has a good build. Thornstowe is in Reno Scum working a punk stable kinda gimmick. Thatcher starts with some nice arm work (including stomping on Thornstowe's arm really nasty like) while the goofball announcer makes vague allusions to Rancid's song "Hooligans" ("a certain well known Bay Area punk rock band..." Not really sure why they had to dance around Rancid.). Thornstowe had tights and a shaved head last I saw him and now he has a goofy Mantaur haircut and silly skull shorts and kick pads. Thatcher is pretty engaging working the arm, dropping knees and elbows on it and bending it all over the ropes. Thatcher misses a corner charge and Thornstowe takes over with some soccer kicks to the face, but Thatcher comes back with a German suplex (and the announcer again calls it a total cringe-worthy "suplay", so apparently that's a thing).

Adam transitions back to offense after another missed charge and hits a pretty great stomp off the top rope to the back of Thatcher's head. We do a headbutt/chop exchange and then the two of them awkwardly mistime a superkick spot.....twice....but Adam covers for it somewhat with a stiff kick to Thatcher's chops. But Thatcher kinda just shrugs it off and gets the tap with a crossface for the win. Entertaining match and Thatcher cuts a condescending promo afterwards showing off his very British teeth.

2. We get a "classic" match now from 2/19/05, Kafu vs. Cheerleader Melissa. Melissa starts with elbows to stun him and follows up with a missle dropkick. Kafu levels her with an elbow and does some throws as the crowd feebly and uncomfortably chants "No means no". Kafu is doing things like pulling her up for 2 counts and then blasts her with a lariat. The announcer giddily exclaims that we might get some blood here. If they're gonna have a cute athletic girl in a skirt get beaten bloody, Bay Area TV 50 might also be interested in showing some apartment wrestling or crushing videos. I mean, if you're going to target a demo, might as well throw out a wide net. Kafu lands a ridiculously loud chop and gets the 3. A four minute man-on-woman squash match is a really odd choice to showcase as a classic match-up. It's like VH1 Classic showing a Tin Machine video highlighting Bowie.

Interview with Jeckels the Jester makes me magically skip forward in time using the power of DVR!!

APW Boot Camp students are in the back putting up some insulation (Diante is apparently the best at it! Sorry, Maria!) but they're interrupted by a doughy heavy breathing goth guy with a lip piercing and anal bead necklace who spits green stuff in some woman's (Tina!) face and she starts making zombies sounds.

We flashback to a goth stable promo with CORVUS (the spitting guy) who is with a couple other doughy goths wearing vinyl and brooding and holding candles and LARRY BLACKWELL interrupts and wants to join!!! Yes!!! The fattest, palest guy in the company wants to go GOTH (why fight it amirite?!) and he gets SPIT ON and Blackwell is IN!! He made a fucking rad mixtape with Birthday Party and Christian Death and Bauhaus and Sisters of Mercy and it was actually really fucking good you guys. It wasn't some greatest hits mix OK? He threw on some Theatre of Hate and a really choice cut from Juju and the real treasure was all the memories they made while listening to it in their BLACK CAR and drinking Dr. Pepper (probably the gothiest soda). I hope they recruit Dana Lee because the goth movement is actually looking for some diversity and could really use some chubby Asians to kinda balance things out.

3. And we get a match with the goth stable member OMEGA (accompanied by CORVUS and DARKNESS (yeah I know right?)) vs........Jeckels. Aw come the fuck on. They have to have a deep enough roster so that they don't have to give this chump match AND interview time each week, right? Right? Omega is the definition of a chubby dude who had money to either go to video game design school, or wrestling school, and he based his decision on which school would let him wear shitty face paint.

We start with a shockingly awesome elbow exchange and every buttery curve of Jeckels is on display thanks to his old friend "torn mesh top". Jeckels hits a vertical suplay (good lord) and apparently the guy working retarded carnival of souls employee is the babyface here. Omega throws a decent left hand and Jeckels responds with a really really shitty right hand and then Omega does Jeckels a favor by bumping big for a really lousy clothesline. Despite his embarrassing appearance (think of something Peter Murphy might be wearing in 2020...only baggier) Omega might actually be good. And then he goes and makes me regret typing that by doing the most preposterous triangle choke in the history of the indies. There was no hyperbole used in that last sentence. Think for a moment on all that entails. I mean he sets it up using a Shining Wizard (we here at the "Indiest Moves Committee also would have accepted it being set up with a Facewash) and then fumbles with it for a really really long time and man oh man MMA moves in wrestling are getting awful. Corvus interferes and cheats to Omega's transition and we get some knee work and Omega brings some real nice attacks to the leg, great kicks and a nice dropkick. But the ref sees additional interference and that's all she wrote. DQ finish and Jeckels is left in the ring making the shittiest faces you can imagine.

OK. APW. You have wrestlers that I like. But those wrestlers are not ending up on your TV for some reason. We better get some GOTH Larry Blackwell SOON and please stop with the Jeckels stuff. Please. It's really not good in any way.

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