WWE WrestleMania 39 Night One Live Blog 4/1/23

 

1. John Cena vs. Austin Theory

ER: Just once I want one of those Make A Wish kids to go into business for himself. Eventually, one of them has to realize that they have full diplomatic immunity, a Get Out of Jail Free card that has unlimited uses. One year we're going to get a MAW heel turn and that kid will burn out a legend. Cena and I have the same exact bald spot and he has the exact same Miller's Outpost jorts that I had in 6th grade, so clearly I'm pulling for him. Cena sells Theory's punches very generously but I like how Theory bit his way out of the STF. Theory throws stomps with the same physical movement as Randy Orton, but doesn't have the finishing strength of Orton's stomps. Cena's stumbling and staggering is what's making this. The way he staggered down to a knee when Theory jumped on him during the sleeper, but I'm not sure any of it was as good as his Namaste prayer hands before doing the five knuckle shuffle. The fistdrop itself was thrown better than he typically threw it over the last decade. 

2. Street Profits vs. Alpha Academy vs. Ricochet/Braun Strowman vs. Viking Raiders

ER: Otis looks fatter since last I saw him, which shows he's a man who truly understands the Grandest Stage of Them All. You want to play to the back row? Fatten up my boy. Ivar's dumb spin kick hit harder than I expected, Erik's knee lift looked good, and the fucking Doomsday clothesline was fucking murder. The tandem powerbomb on Ford looked great but goddamn replay that clothesline. They really should have built longer to Gable hitting the rolling German on Braun. I mean it looked cool, but how cool would his Dead End have looked towards the end of the match after already trying it a couple times? His missed splash is full commitment and so is Ivar's missed moonsault, and capping it with a treacherous shaky Braun top rope splash that hits was sweet sweet icing. Braun's splash looked like the kind of splash we don't get enough Today: messy, and performed by those who do not normally go to the top rope. The tower powerbomb spot was unnecessary and beneath what they had been building to, even if I liked the twist of Ricochet riding Ford down like Clark Griswold hanging onto his ladder. They had been doing a good job mixing up pairings and they took too long tying up every man. But Braun's long stretch of ringside shoulderblocks being blown up by Dawkins made this great again. Dawkins hit Braun as hard as he could too. That shoulderblock would have given me a lifetime injury. Then Ricochet hits the most gorgeous springboard shooting star press balls first into Dawkins' face. For a wrestling company who forgot how to film wrestling a couple decades ago and has seemingly got even worse at it, they set up and shot the shoulderblock and shooting star perfectly. Ford's pin breaking and match winning splash was good. This was good. 

3. Logan Paul vs. Seth Rollins 

ER: I haven't watched any WWE program since Elimination Chamber, but the hype video for this match has made me more excited than I've ever been to see a Seth Rollins singles match. I also know really next to nothing about Logan Paul, only that I've loved everything he's done in pro wrestling. I don't think I'm ever going to understand what Seth Rollins' vibe is supposed to be. Is he like if Willy Wonka was a farmer's market jock? A hipster mom who is obsessed with being the one in the friend group who keeps up with trends? Is he just a guy who misses a big stomp by about 7 feet while wearing attention pants? He's the kind of guy who wears big eyeglasses without needed eyeglasses?  

I like how Logan Paul uses his boxing sparingly. I bet most in his position would do feet shuffling Shane McMahon bullshit. Paul understands to use 1-2 punches to mean something, doesn't have enough of a Wrestler Brain to do unnecessary strike exchanges. He makes his punches into actual turning points of the match. Rollins' triple suicide dives look better than normal, because Paul walks into and towards each one. Usually Rollins' opponents just stand still waiting for contact, leaving Rollins to just lightly bounce off, looking like he was trying not to hit the guy he was trying to hit. Paul walked into these and took growing, appropriate bumps backward in reaction. Find me Rollins dives that look better than these and we'll see a pattern with the opponents' catches. The KO punch nearfall was great and Paul's high leap into the sitout powerbomb was like prime Juventud. 

Bye Bye Bitch is a line that can be pulled off by John Early, but it can't be pulled off by Seth Rollins. High end nearfall after the pedigree and Paul's missed splash through KSI, who I have heard referred to as Logan Paul's Business Partner. Michael Cole calling for YouTube Phenomenon KSI to Capture Another Viral Moment is a 0.6 on the Fallon/Hilton Scale of poor shilling. Literally every nearfall in the match worked great, and the only thing wrong with the match is the company's insistence on keeping the old tired stars at the top at the expense of the young hungry rising stars. I wonder what the actual percentage of WWE in-ring employees are actually pissed off about how much better Logan Paul understands wrestling than they do? Or do they not actually realize this, because they don't understand wrestling as well as he does? 

4. Dakota Kai/Iyo Sky/Bayley vs. Becky Lynch/Trish Stratus/Lita

ER: "You gotta take the WWE Universe out of this early," is such a sucky commentary sentence. Becky Lynch is better as a heel because she's better at taking offense than doing offense, so the match being structured around Damage Control cutting her off from a low energy Lita was smart. She hung in for Sky's nice springboard dropkick. Lita always manages to look like she's never actually gone running in her life. Lita has the worst body language of anybody in the ring so it's a weird choice to keep such an extended heat segment on her. Trish is more explosive but also sells way better. Her reactions to Bayley kicking at her and talking shit would have had the right kind of glowering eyes reaction. Lita just kinda flops around like a fish, like she's trying to make a baby laugh. Trish's assisted handstand rana to the floor gets some set-up excuse because the finished product and Kai's crash into Sky looked good. Hats off to Trish for running face first into Bayley's baseball slide too. After praising the camera work in the tag scramble, I gotta wonder whose decision it was to keep the camera on Lita during this match's breakdown. Mae Young's stomach kicks never looked as bad as the kicks Lita threw here. If someone wants to volunteer their time to a Segunda Caida project that I personally do not want to do, your feature here can be documenting every single part-time model WWE ever employed who threw a better stomach kick than Lita. Remember all those Diva search competitions that I assume some people watched? How many of them were actually worse than Lita here? I can't imagine many were. Dawn Marie and heel Torrie Wilson only look like Fujiwara-level legends in comparison. 

5. Dominik Mysterio vs. Rey Mysterio

ER: Seth Rollins can wear all the try hard entrance jackets he wants, it will never be as good as Dominik's shitty spiked Hot Topic Alucard coat and his entrances will never be as good as Dominik wearing that coat out of an ambulance in his father's mask. Jeers, however, for Rey's American Made-era Hogan gear. That's like the second worst Hogan era next to the N-word era, or the Nick prison phone call era. I think those were the same Hogan eras. Rey goes to the belt whipping way too early. My mom used to use a wooden spoon, but you don't START with the wooden spoon. Even she knew that you throw a slipper or flip flop before you go to the wooden spoon. This isn't as good as it should be, and that's too bad. Seeing them doing armdrags and some of these other exchanges feels like them working some other match, where they were still tag partners but were forced to work 5 minutes of a gauntlet against each other. Dominik's mom held back too much on the slap, even the water thrown into Aaliyah's face didn't sting like it should have. It gets better when Dom really starts killing his father with a Michinoku driver, but there weirdly isn't any kind of father vs. son vibe. It just feels like a Finn Balor Smackdown match. The late match interference shouldn't be the thing adding energy to your match. Santos Escobar shouldn't be getting the big dive in your father/son match. This was a let down. 

6. Rhea Ripley vs. Charlotte

ER: I think Charlotte is leaning more into her Drag Queen era and I hope she keeps leaning harder. Has that been the entire point of The Queen run and I've just missed it? I haven't watched for a long time. I love David Arquette's wrestling, and Charlotte could be a really good Alexis Arquette. Her puffer vest robe is incredible, like she's the Cruella de Vil of litigious Aspen ski slope house wives. The shoulderblock exchange looked good, and Charlotte full assed the lariat that sent Rhea to the floor. That's a good sign for this one. Charlotte's knife edge chops do read more like a drag routine strike than an actual knife edge chop. The wrist action is all wrong, which makes it either bad wrestling or too on-the-nose for a drag routine. Rhea is a strong body vice and I liked the way she fought up from her back out of it. Rhea working as poor man's Dump Matsumoto is really good. The Queen Smells Blood sounds like an incredible drag revue, and Charlotte's chops suddenly come to life during her comeback. I like how Rhea staggered and knee buckled to her feet to lift Charlotte, and the head spike DDT reversal looked awesome.  Their showdown strike exchange stunk, but Rhea's stomach kick and foot stomp to stop the nonsense was a good way to snap out of it. I think I like them doing a messy 2003 GHC Title match the longer they do it, but it started iffy. Once Rhea dropped Charlotte on her face with a suplex it looked like Rikio/Takayama. One of the biggest appeals of Takayama's brilliant early 2000s was that he understood the value of a horse faced weird body wrestler getting suplexed on their face. The big nearfalls worked even if the moonsault press is still going to be overshot. Middle buckle Riptide with a high folded pin is a good 2003 NOAH finish. I'm happy Rhea won this. The shot of her holding the belt with the Actually Cool WWE Babylon Oscars stage lording over her was a great visual. 

7. Sami Zayn/Kevin Owens vs. The Usos

ER: This starts real slow and I'm not sure Jey's side headlock was good enough for the slow start. Sami's big bump to the floor and Jey's elbow suicida kick it into gear though. Jimmy is better cast as the guy who cuts off the ring from the apron than the guy controlling the heat, so not all of the Uso control felt like it was working. Owens' hot tag was necessary, swan dive and frog splashes a nice kick back up. This had a tough act to follow but I'm surprised at what a Regular Match this feels like, even with Owens' dives. Sami's big splash felt a little anti-climactic after Owens had already done like 5 variations of that same thing, but this crowd loves Sami and that's cool. I just wish it didn't feel like such a major step down from where he was at Elimination Chamber. I didn't feel the drama of all the superkicks, and there was a mistimed Sami kickout that was supposed to be BIG but the crowd reacted dead silent. The reaction was there for the 1D kickout and Jey was good enough at the in-ring monologue portion of the evening. Some of it felt too I'm Sorry, I Love You and I knew they had the potential to hit there I'd rather them lean into more ass kicking. All of the Usos tandem superkicks were really well timed. They threw a half dozen of them and they all managed to connect at the same time. That's a really impressive consecutive success rate on that. This is easily Michael Cole's best call of the night, as his energy - which usually feels like an alien trying to blend in - actually captured the mood the more the crowd began to Believe. 

Best Matches: 

1. Logan Paul vs. Seth Rollins

2. Rhea Ripley vs. Charlotte

3. Tag Scramble