CWF Mid-Atlantic Worldwide Episode 115

Episode 115

1. Mick Moretti vs. Lucas Calhoun

ER: This got pretty decent once they got through all of Calhoun's brand of comedy, but the comedy took up as much time as the actual wrestling. I'd never seen Moretti before and at minimum, I gotta give him credit for specifically getting a bad haircut to be more convincing in his gimmick. That's a level of commitment a lot of wrestlers wouldn't have. They still have to go to restaurants and the post office and a day job, so having Bozo hair gets him an extra commitment point for sure. AND, if he dyes it white he has a pretty great Rick costume (especially if he finds a semi-decent Morty). Beyond his hair I really really liked all his nasty nose twist offense (and appreciate that Calhoun was still selling his nose after the match). Calhoun would bring silly karate, but I'd much rather see a guy locking onto a nose and yanking. I was even amused by the flip bump Calhoun took after a particularly violent nose yank.

PAS: I would have enjoyed this if they had dispensed with the Chikara horseshit at the beginning, nothing I hate more in wrestling then forcing an opponent to sell a a make believe comedy move (invisible grenade, slow motion, ect.), Calhoun's six inch punch was dangerously close to Chuck Taylorville. Once they get into wrestling it was pretty fun, I liked Moretti's bottom rope trip, and all of Calhoun's fatboy sentons. Calhoun is almost a guy I want to see more of.

2. Aaron Epic vs. Matt Knicks

ER: Unfamiliar with Knicks and only have seen Epic once or twice, and the early sexy dance fighting sequences didn't get me excited to see much more. Knicks had some nice armdrags, but every time he had to "miss" a move, he would suddenly throw in slow motion. If a kick was supposed to miss, or a strike was supposed to be duck, suddenly he was throwing through cement. It was really distracting. Epic seemed better but he probably should be as he's been around for awhile. Knicks looked good when doing lucha type stuff, looked bad when doing striking. He should run with that. But there was one punch exchange that looked pretty decent, so maybe I'm just a grump. Finish was at least good, as Knicks misses a moonsault and Epic spikes him with a really great piledriver. A really great piledriver will go a long way with me.

PAS: Epic had some stiff shots, I liked his Tenryu jab and open handed chop. I also loved that the piledriver is illegal in CWF so Epic had to distract the ref to hit it. Maybe Knicks would have been better with a guy he was familiar with, but he was breaking out all this elaborate stuff and always seemed a beat off. This whole show is all about bringing in another big batch of new guys to CWF and it is one of the few things that frustrate me about this fed. They have a big roster of guys I like, but seem to bring in vans of new guys every couple of shows, a lot of times those guys will never be seen again or disappear for months. Epic was fine, but he is basically doing the exact same fake Raven shtick as Tripp Cassidy, right down to the skinny goth valet. Is Cassidy still in CWF? Are you going to run Cassidy v. Epic like Nature Boy v. Nature Boy?

3. Logan Easton Laroux vs. UTAMARO

ER: This match is notable for featuring maybe the flattest comedy spot I have ever witnessed. I honestly don't think I've ever witnessed a comedy spot in wrestling that took longer to set up, and got a quieter reaction. It was absolutely brutal. It was David Brent trying to think of a joke on the spot level of awkward. The spot in question is: UTAMARO (an actual, honest full time wrestler for Wrestle-1) applying the Nieblina/Paradise Lock, pausing over Logan for a photo opportunity, and then kicking Logan while he struggled to get out of the move. And UTAMARO fails at every single step of the joke. First, he doesn't seem to know how to lock on the submission. It's easily the worst I have ever seen that move applied. So essentially, right out of the gates he starts his routine by saying, "What's on First? Oh Wait..." So he already lost the crowd with his execution. Then the language barrier and general unfamiliarity with the wrestler kick in. He crouches over Logan and just shrugs. And that crowd is fucking SILENT. I mean it sounded like UTAMARO called for a 10 bell salute to all the wrestlers we've lost in 2017. I mean Ernest Miller could watch this match and exclaim that his 2004 Royal Rumble entrance officially got a louder reaction than something. I mean the room got so quiet that every single person in that room was suddenly left entirely alone with their own horrible thoughts for the entire duration of that spot. And UTAMARO is just frozen there, shrugging, paralyzed, and the crowd is motionless, treating UTAMARO as if he were a fucking T-Rex and if they hold still and stay quiet enough then none of them will get ripped in half. Then he started doing photo taking pantomime, but he wasn't even good at doing "I'm using a camera!" charades and for several long seconds it just looked like he was voguing.

My dad used to tape all of the Saturday Night's Main Events for me, as I was too young to stay up that late. I would be too excited to sleep the night of, then eventually wake up when it was barely getting light outside to watch them. I watched those tapes so many times, that after a few viewings I would know what happened, so to mix it up I would occasionally put a match on in slow motion. So I'd watch Hulk Hogan doing the legdrop in slow motion and you'd see occasional frames filled with camera flash.

There was no camera flash for UTAMARO.

We've all dealt with language barriers in our lives. It's disarming, no matter how expected they might be. And no matter how vast the language barrier, there will almost always be familiar body language. And if you pause at the right moment, you can see the exact moment where UTAMARO recognizes the crowd's body language. He knows he's bombing. He knows he's the Best Man, and he's telling stories about the groom fucking other chicks in college during his Best Man's speech. So UTAMARO stands up - and Logan has been selling this hold for an eternity at this point - and in a stunning moment of obliviousness, UTAMARO continues the bit. He does. not. bail. on. the. bit. We all know he's going to kick Logan in the butt. And he thinks he needs to build to the kick to that butt. And he builds it. And nobody wants it. And the spot does...or does not, happen.

Here's the funny thing...nobody actually knows if the spot happened or not. Nobody actually knows if the match ever finished. In that moment, the eyeballs of the room were collectively shut. Those eyeballs were shut TIGHT, because nobody in the Mid-Atlantic Sportatorium could take seeing another second. Indiana Jones' eyes weren't shut this tight when the Ark of the Covenant was opened. The crowd's scarred faces looked like the kids in the nightmarish final scene of Pearl Jam's "Jeremy" video: They all knew they had just witnessed the worst moment of their collective lives, and they all simultaneously knew that the only chance they had of moving on in life was to try their best to forget this one, horrible moment that one, hot July evening.

PAS: It is too bad that comedy spot was such a turd in the punch bowl, because the rest of this was pretty OK. UTAMARO has a really nice dropkick, and I enjoyed his comedy spot where he made Logan run the ropes until he blew up. Still that Nieblina was rough, and I am not sure I buy Logan winning with a single cutter. I am still holding on to some Logan stock from the NOVA pro show, he did put his hands on me in a really dickish way before the show and I appreciate that kind of dedication to being a heel, still he is 0 for 2 so far in CWF and I am hoping he justifies his push.

4. Alex Daniels vs. Stevie Fierce

ER: I really do not get the "Real Life Ben Affleck" gimmick. Alex Daniels looks nothing like Ben Affleck. Is it really just a social commentary that all white males look alike, so we all are real life Ben Affleck? Is "Real Life Joel Edgerton" just not marketable enough? Did he want to do a "Real Life Joel Edgerton" gimmick but somebody was already using it? Is Ben Affleck even a funny reference? There was a funny "All white dudes look like Ben Affleck" joke in the movie "Role Models", but that was NINE YEARS AGO. "Real Life Channing Tatum" would at least match the hair color, and while Affleck movies maybe gross more on average than Tatum's, Tatum is probably a much better current "hunk" example. Affleck moved past hunk status years ago. At this point he has a marriage that ended in scandal and is over a decade removed from hair plugs. Referencing Affleck as a hunk in 2017 is almost as topical as a "Real Life Bobby Sherman" gimmick. Would Daniels have the charisma to pull off a "Real Life Bobby Sherman" gimmick? Because a sweeth-toothed safe grinning popstar would be a really great gimmick that could work for a face or heel (like 3 Count, but way, way more dated).

And man I really don't like Alex Daniels' shtick. Maybe it would play better if it weren't so prevalent?  But he really does seem to be always "on". There was a lot of stuff I liked in this: I thought the opening roll-up/sunset flip spots were really well executed and actually looked like plausible pinfalls, not just brainless Malenko/Guerrero pin flash; I think some of the kicks both guys used were creative and looked good; I liked Fierce's overhand right>kick to the knee>DDT combination; and overall I liked how it built. This read like a good match. But I couldn't help being annoyed by the constant attempts at jokes and yuks the whole damn match. Daniels feels the need to come up with his own David Caruso CSI opening punchline before hitting most moves. He can't just hit a knee, he has to point out to every one that Ben Affleck's face is on his kneepad! Class clowns rarely know when to pick their spots. They want as much attention on them as possible, so they feel the need to constantly show people just how funny they can be. I don't like ham on pizza, but I don't always mind it in my wrestling. I think Metalico is a really great ham. Hector Garza was a REALLY great ham. Alex Daniels just wants to tell jokes. I came away impressed by Fierce, someone who I don't believe I've seen before, as he came off closer to an early 2000s JAPW guy than a modern Kyle O'Reilly type. Also, I did chuckle when Stutts no sold Cecil Scott's "Alex Daniels is smart, like an Accountant" joke, and Cecil Scott knows that's what it deserved.

PAS: I agree that the puns felt really forced here, his previous two matches in CWF were a workrate sprint and a main event epic, here in a first round tourney match he felt he had time to land all of his hack punchlines. Stevie Fierce had some cool moments, and the finishing reverse rana into a corner brainbuster combo by Daniels was super nasty. Still I wasn't impressed by any of the 8 guys in this side of the tourney bracket, and would have rather they just use CWF regulars.

5. 7 Team Gauntlet: Ethan Alexander Sharpe & Dr. Daniel C. Rockingham vs. Percy Davis & Frankie Flynn vs. AC Hawkes & Zicky Dice vs. Colby Redd & PB Smooth vs. Donnie Dollars & Mike Mars vs. Arik Royal & Cool J vs. Darius Lockhart & Caprice Coleman

ER: This was a tag scramble for a shot at the Dawsons belts, but the format of the match made it pretty difficult to have an actual good match. It was a weird set-up, as it was basically Royal Rumble rules, but with pinfalls allowed as well. So within a few minutes you had 8 guys in there and it was kind of a mess. No teams were in the match for very long, so nobody really stood out as an actual contender. I actually liked Sharpe and Rockingham in the opening minute or two, they were showing a mean side that should come out more. The whole thing was meant to build up a win for Royal and his thrown together partner Cool J (man is J tiny!). Royal makes a killer entrance by doing this huge leaping face palm to Dollars (I think Stutts called it Face Jam) and then upending Mars with a low shoulderblock like a killer whale ramming a boat. We get a surprise team of Lockhart and the long absent Caprice Coleman, and these two teams going at it were fun. Coleman and Lockhart complement each other nicely, especially liked their drop toehold/legdrop combo. Coleman is a guy who can throw a nice legdrop. Royal does "flustered" really well and I loved him bumping to the floor and crashing through some front row regulars. It was a good way to keep him out of the finish, which saw Cool J bump huge for the surprise team. This Cool J has a death wish and I'll enjoy him while I can see him.

PAS: I am upset that they teased a Cool J v. Donnie Dollars rematch and we didn't get any interaction between the two. I kind of want a best of 5 series of Dollars murdering Cool J. Loved Lockhart's awesome Rustin & Newton & Shakur & Carmichael & Hampton & Lockhart T-Shirt, shows that the historical context for this gimmick runs deeper then your normal indy gimmick. I have been a Coleman fan back since the Ice days in OMEGA, and I am really amped for the Lockhart and Coleman tag team. The final 5 minutes were pretty great and the eventual All-Stars v. Militants tag feud is going to be epic.