Segunda Caida Classic: Phil and Tomk's JAPW Road Report

Beyond ran a rematch of this tag 14 years later, so I drug out this old school road report

ALLIGATOR JERKY! works stiffer then the HIT SQUAD! LAITHON! hits a RANA! MAFIA! is the meanest Puerto Rican JOHN TATUM! ever! SCHNEIDER! meets the cops of NEW JERSEY! and more stuff from the longest road trip ever. 

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Jersey All Pro Wrestling (10/13/01)
PAS: Phil Schneider
TKG: Tom K

BACKSTORY
TKG: I meet Phil outside of subway station. When I get out of subway, I am met by college kids giving out free cans of tuna fish as part of some sort of promotional campaign. They shove the can into my hand. I meet Phil and throw the can away. And we’re off to Hackettstown.
PAS: I borrow the good Doctor’s car, and go swoop up Tom. I was up till about 4 a.m. DJing and disposing of a clinging college girl, so I was a bit fatigued, thus explaining the embankment.
TKG: Phil drives and eventually we get out of DC.
PAS: And drives, and drives and drives.
TKG: We talk and joke for a while. Phil nearly drives us up an embankment and we keep on going.
TKG: Note: driving up an embankment is a good way to get the car behind you to stop tailgating. He kept far far away from us after that.
PAS: Also almost driving up an embankment is a good way to wake your self up. The adrenaline rush was like doing a packet of mini-thins.
TKG: We drive some more miss an exit and end up driving past all the old ECW house show towns. We’re in a part of the map that’s covered with pictures of Skiers. The fall foliage and the mountains are pretty beautiful.
PAS: The exit was very unmarked and we end up driving into the Pocanos. I wanted to go stop and see a ventriloquist and meet a rich homely Jewish girl and fall in love, but we decide to go to the show instead.
TKG: At one point, I panic as the signs tell me we are near Scranton.
TKG: We decide to stop at worlds largest General Store which I think I saw on an episode of Road Rules or something.
PAS: I actually drove past this, and then hit a U-turn, figuring a visit would add some color. It in fact added quite a bit of color to my stomach.
TKG: The funnel cake is preposterously expensive. I try to find out if there is any wrestling at the Pumpkin Festival. I decide that if we can’t get to see JAPW I want to at minimum get to see Todd Morton vs. The Stro.
PAS: It seems to me that Julio Deniro would be working a pumpkin festival somewhere, although not this one.
TKG: Alligator Jerky~! The can of tuna would have been a far better choice.
PAS: Alligator Jerky has a very spicy initial taste, which is an attempt to mask the overall fishy flavor. That attempt is a failure.
TKG: This trip never ends.
PAS: No, no it doesn't
TKG: I am a passenger. And I ride and I ride and I ride. I watch the bright and hollow sky. You know it looks so good tonight.
TKG: Shockingly we make it to Hackettstown skating rink before bell time. Even more shockingly the show starts on time. An indy that actually starts at advertised time!!!!
PAS: No 10 minute intermission which goes 45, and no Crowbar gimmick table either.
TKG: Audience of about 60 people. Lots of young kids who are showing off their abilities to curse. Easily worst wrestling crowd I’ve been to a show with as they go for all the “smart” chants including “Your mic skills suck”, “RVD!”, waving dollar bills at the valet who is young enough to be even MY daughter ( we left show quickly before any paternity could be proved) and going to try to get Crowbars autograph while the main event was taking place.
PAS: Jersey fucking sucks, what a bunch of smarmy little pricks. I had to move my chair because I was about to pound some obese teenager, who spent the entire opening claiming he could wrestle better then Reil and Jobber, when it seemed unlikely he could even climb the ringsteps without puking on his shoes.
TKG: My favorite chant of night to a guy wearing tights that looked like Electro-Shock “NOVA RIP-OFF! NOVA RIP-OFF!” Nothing is as unintentionally funny as calling someone a Nova ripoff.
PAS: Someone also claimed that during Dixie’s, air raid crush variation. It might have been Donnie B.
TKG: Also preposterously low ceiling.
PAS: Which didn’t stop anyone from doing highspots, ahh the hubris of youth.

THE SHOW

TKG: The Hit Squad, their manager Johnny D, Dixie and Dixie’s valet Valentina come out for a promo. Monsta does pretty good comedy mic work while Mafia does the serious mic work. Johnny D mugs around the ring like your best friend’s really embarrassing uncle… which is a good thing. Dixie doesn't look old enough to shave. The same can be said of Valentina.
PAS: I really liked the Hit Squads mic work, although they were working against the role which they play the best. Hit Squad are scary motherfuckers, and making fun of the crowd - especially the way they worked the main event - plays against the type. It is nice to see diversity, but they should be working like twin Vaders not like the Heavenly Bodies.

Billy Reil vs. JT Jobber:

TKG: Reil tells ring announcer that he no longer wants to be introduced as Billy “Highlight” Reil. From now on he is to be known as Billy “Kiss My Ass” Reil.
TKG: JT Jobber works a Mickey Whipwreck circa 95 gimmick and is not good. Reil heels it up for most of the match and looks great. Reil does fun theatrical selling bumping twice in ring and then falling to floor for Jobber’s crappy tornado DDT.
PAS: I was really impressed by Reil. Jobber was pretty poor, but Reil did a very good job of making him look credible and passable. Great brainbuster - the best I have ever seen live. Plus a neat dive from one ringpost to the other end.

Skinhead Ivan vs. Judas Young vs. Chino Martinez

TKG: It’s a three way dance with elimination rules. I can’t identify Young’s entrance music and that pisses me off. Martinez is the face in this match and it’s a mess. No one punches well.
PAS: This match really sucked, I kind of liked Young last time I saw him, but he wasn’t good here. Chino had ridiculous pants, and was really green. Ivan seemed to be able to hit his spots crisply, but had some of the worst punches I have ever seen (which is a real business exposer for a guy with a skinhead gimmick) kind of like a crappy indy nazi Saturn.
TKG: Ivan might have some understanding of how to work a match and I would kind of like to see what Homicide was able to do with him. But so not good.

Insane Dragon vs. Dave Greco:

TKG: The match starts with a quick mirror sequence that ends with both guys even and a round of applause. I HATE THIS SPOT! DAMN YOU MALENKO/GUERRERO!!!!
TKG: Despite my hate of said spot Greco manages to keep up with the superfast Dragon which is pretty impressive. Greco works a nice sequence out of a knuckle lock. In general Greco looks a little too deliberate in ring like he is trying to give an instructional on how to put on octopus hold. I dig Greco and he tries to reel some of the match in. He isn’t quite successful but it’s a noble effort.
PAS: I thought Greco seemed pretty slow, especially compared to Insane Dragon. This match had some really nice stuff and some very poor stuff. Insane Dragon is really flashy, although flashy doesn't really do it for me so much in 2001.
TKG: Insane Dragon sells well and when he hits his highspots they look really impressive.
PAS: The finish was Insane Dragon trying a springboard 450 and landing ass first on Greco’s chest, which may have fractured his ribs. This was Matratsian.
TKG: Post match Dixie comes in to beat down Insane Dragon. Dixie does a air raid crush onto his knee which is the nastiest move I’ve seen live (next to THE OKLAHOMA ROLL). It’s an awesome move that someone should steal.
PAS: I imagine NOVA will invent it soon. Dixie’s match wasn’t very good, but his run-ins were great.

Laithon vs. Magic:

TKG: If you always wondered why the Zambouie Express never broke up to run the Elijah Akeem vs. Kareem Muhamed feud, this here is the answer.
TKG: Laithon is a tall and awkward but so so not Taue. He is better than Big John Studd in his prime. He tries a hurricanrana which looks really bad and amusing.
PAS: The hurricanrana was great, in a completely ill-advised way. Laithons chops were stiff. Magic hit a ludicrous dropkick.
TKG: Magic is Tony Starks dad. He left Starks' mom at a young age and is now trying to reconcile with his son by incorporating the Wu Tang pantheon/philosophy/orientation into his indy wrestling. It seems like a legit effort to reach out but is still sad and pathetic. It reminded me of that movie where the Allan Thick plays a dad who tries to study up on opera so he has something to talk about with his son who he kicked out of his house four years earlier for coming out. When the father tries to discuss opera, his son (Danny Pintauro) doesn't see the love that his father has put into this effort and angrily rejects him, “I may be queer, but I’m not a QUEEN!”. Stark has come to one or two shows but still won’t talk to his estranged father. It’s a touching story but it doesn't make for compelling wrestling.

Deranged vs. Ghost Shadow:

TKG: Deranged is not the Deranged from IWA-MS King of the Deathmatch. I am disappointed but in actuality this is a huge improvement.
PAS: I felt like I was going to hit the KOTD Deranged signature spot after eating the Alligator jerky.
TKG: Deranged works the crazy guy gimmick that has him giving himself a bunch of back bumps because he's crazy (like Crowbar). Axl Rotten would be disgusted.
TKG: They do several joshi spots which you don’t tend to see in US indy jrs matches. Ghost Shadow does a Kyoko Inoue style pendulum swing. The set up for this is really cool as it looks like hes going for a lucha submission and then pulls it into the pendulum swing. He swings Deranged against bottom turnbuckle which is cooler in concept than it looks in reality. Deranged does a series of Ito like double footstomps. I dig the joshi.
PAS: This was a basic trained together indy highspot match. Ghost Shadow did very little memorable, but Deranged has some very nice jawdropper spots, including ending the previously mentioned double stomp sequence with a standing shooting star press while starting on the guys chest. They also had a loony Shannon Moore/ Willowish roll up combo which looked really neat.

Dixie vs. Exploited Child:

TKG: Exploited Child I think maybe doing a huffing gimmick. He seems to laugh a lot and has that “Big sale on butane at Home Depot” look in his eyes. He does a bunch of comedy stuff.
PAS: Exploited Child was the least of the JAPW teen division. I think the guy who exploited him was the guy who took his money for training.
TKG: On the DVDVR 900, I’d put Exploited Child right underneath XPW’s Pogo.
TKG: Dixie sells really well and is able to make this into a match. He is the Matt to Dragon’s Jeff.
PAS: Match was not so good, although Dixie looked like a keeper.

Crowbar vs. Kid Kruel:

TKG: I never understood why Storm would keep his shitty Russo name after he left WCW, but he is way over with the kiddies.
PAS: The crowd was into this the most, cause Crowbar used to be on TV.
TKG: Kruel has a body that Meltz would like and looks to be a little old to be calling himself Kid.
PAS: Crowbar however seems to have replaced his polish with Polish Sausages.
TKG: I expect Crowbar to not take any bumps in this match but he takes a bunch including 4 suplexes. Phil decides to start counting types of suplexes.
PAS: Kid Kruel broke out four types of suplexes, including a high end side suplex. While Crowbar had a Northern lights and a German. If this was the 70’s Idol would be going apeshit.
TKG: There is this odd Battlarts section where Storm reverses a fujwara armbar into a lucha roll up and Kruel reverses something into a rolling knee bar.
PAS: A fitting tribute to the erstwhile worked shoot promotion on the day of its demise.
TKG: Crowbar hits a dvd on Kruel which Kruel pops right back up from. Crowbar then hits the finisher.
PAS: Damn you Kobashi

Low-Ki/ Homicide vs. Mafia/Monsta Mack:

TKG: This is the match we came to see. Half the crowd clears out to find Crowbar to get his autograph. The Hackettstown show was clearly a houseshow and so while we came expecting a preposterously stiff stiff match what we got was a really really fun house show match. It was stiff as hell but not what we expected at all.
PAS: Yeah I was figuring this was going to be stiffer then Hash vs. Corino, but instead it was a basic southern tag stuff. Which was well done and all, but not what I wanted to see from these four. This was kind of like the Tajiri vs. Minoru Tanaka match in Bat-Bat where they did all of that lucha, or those Lucha six man with Blue Panther on one side and El Dandy on the other, that don’t go to the mat and just get worked as brawls.
TKG: The Hit Squad come out and act like scared heels, which is somewhat tough to buy given that they look pretty legit. They go through all the Zbyzsco motions including walking to the back and then they work a southern tag match. With Low-Ki/Homicide as the stiffest Rock n Roll Express vs. the Hit Squad as the stiffest most willing to bump Jack Victory/John Tatum.
PAS: It strains credulity for the Hit Squad to do a chickenshit heel act, considering their size and demeanor. They did it well however.
TKG: Mafia works most of the match and does all kinds of goofy amusing John Tatum-esque selling. He hides in the ropes, crosses himself before taking a bump and makes me laugh. He takes most of the beatings as Low-Ki/Homicide do the stiff face kick double-teams (so much nastier than a double drop kick).
PAS: Low-Ki did most of the work in this match as well, as he was face in peril, which he did fine, but again Low-Ki as Ricky Morton is not the Low-Ki I drove 6 hours to see.
TKG: Monsta mostly comes in for offense, which is a weird reversal of the mic work at beginning of show where Monsta was all comedy and Mafia was all intensity.
TKG: They worked the face double teams early in the match
as opposed to saving the double drop kick for the end. This was a good variation as it told a different story than the cliché and built up well towards both Homicide’s “house a fire offense” and Low Ki’s finisher.
TKG: Homicide/Low-Ki can’t beat the Hit Squad with your traditional southern flash pin (double drop kick quick pin). The Hit Squad won’t allow for that. Double-teaming is used to weaken. But the Hit Squad can’t be beat by double-teaming. They are a team and the only way to beat them is to isolate one member one-on-one while keeping the other away. Of course this leaves the face one on one against the member of Hit Squad. This story makes all of the face teams non-double team offense seem far more important.
TKG: Ref Hanson does a good job of getting shoved around by both teams and never quite seeing what he shouldn’t see.
TKG: Low Ki works Ricky Morton and takes a great high back drop that legit puts him through a ceiling tile. Low-Ki goes for the hope offense before making the hot tag to Homicide. Low Ki is able to knock down both members of the Hit Squad independently in the hope offense section before the hot tag and I think this lessened the heat for Homicide coming in House-a-fire.
PAS: I am with the house of fire criticism, and it was the only artistic flaw in this match. They did a nice counter spot with Homicide breaking up a Mafia attempted burning hammer by putting him in the STF. Cool spot which did not get the reaction it deserved from the dogshit apathetic crowd. Fuck Hackettstown
TKG: There is a table spot post match and Low-Ki gets on the mic setting up the rematch for the belts.

EPILOGUE

PAS: Rat report card
Girl in the red shirt: B-
She had the chubby delinquent look down, and was continually absent during the show to go smoke, both of which are rat pluses. But she refused to blow Laithon to get to the back, which violates the rat code, no ass no backstage pass darling
Missy Hyatts aunt: A+ :
She had the 45 year old rough stripper look down pat. I expected Vince to put her on a Divas poster. Looks like she may have ratted for Unpredictable Johnny Rodz at one point
Loud Mouth Fat Kid C+:
Went to go get Magic's autograph during main event. Did not offer him head though. Did have appropriately large bosoms.
TKG: We leave Hackettstown and we drive and we drive. The jerky does its damage as we both realize that alligator jerky is not digestable. Our bodies continuously try to reject the jerky. The car odor becomes un-breathable.
PAS: Usually I like the smell of my own gas, but the Alligator jerky did bad bad things.
TKG: We try to find an open gas station, which is an adventure in and of itself.
PAS: New Jersey police are the nicest police in the world.
TKG: The partially digested fishy taste in my mouth becomes so bad that I decide to eat a Roy Rogers bacon cheeseburger to attempt to cover it.
PAS: While I spent much time ruminating over the evening in a Turnpike rest stop bathroom.
TKG: The trip home takes forever but at least we don’t get lost or drive into an embankment.
PAS: I believe I got into bed at 5:30 a.m.
TKG: I am the passenger and I ride and I ride I stay under glass. I look through the windows so bright I see the stars come out tonight. Fuck it I felt far less Iggy and more like Dave Dudley at this point. Unfortunately I can’t find any little white pills to keep my eyes open wide but we were going to make it home tonight.
TKG: Phil starts to hallucinate at one point. Unfortunately, I don’t. I take a big breath of the foul alligator jerky scented air hoping that I can join Phil on his “trip” but still nothing.
TKG: We get back to DC pretty delirious from the experience.
PAS: You got to love the wrestling.