TNA iMPACT wORKRATE rEPORT 1/24/07

WHAT WORKED:

-I actually kind of like Raven’s new Clockwork Orange look. Raven has been looking more ridiculous than Rad Radford sporting his grunge look 10 years past its due date and so the change in style is smart move… Raven’s been spouting nonsense about the Clockwork Orange House of Fun for several years now and you get the impression that he was just saying it because he thought it sounded cool and never actually saw the movie. So he finally saw the movie and went with the Clockwork Orange look with the white suit, mask and the kendo stick as sophisticated walking cane. I’m assuming he caught a whole Kubrick marathon as the rest of his stable are stuck dressed like extras in Eyes Wide Shut. Still the look is kind of neat and it’s a shame its being wasted on someone as washed up and useless as Raven. It would be really cool look on someone slightly more talented than Raven, maybe Supreme. I don’t really understand why all of Serotonin attacking Rhino doesn’t cause DQ but AJ Styles attacking him does. They ran a last man standing match on the Last PPV…and it wasn’t the blowoff? What’s the follow up stip after Last Man Standing? It’s Russo so I’m guessing its something on a pole. Did Russo watch the Kubrick festival too? Will they need to climb the Monolith to get the tools to win?

-FIREBALL!!!! James Mitchell throwing a fireball only helps to remind you how mediocre his mic work is. As really he can’t come close to pulling off sick and twisted evilness as well as Dougie Gilbert. And the fireball wasn't enough to save the Sting v Abyss arena tour brawl. The non-fireball section of the Sting v Abyss arena tour was completely underwhelming. The whole current Christian Sting angle completely contradicts the one from three weeks before and well is a less interesting aspect of Christianity. This weeks Christian Sting booking felt like it was not just on a different page theologically and characterization wise than the Christian Sting booking from three weeks ago but it also felt like it was on a different page then the Christian Sting booking from last episode. I did kind of like the idea that Sting was turning the other cheek, refusing to fight back…he will sacrifice himself so that Abyss can see through his demons. Of course the announcers have no idea that’s what he’s doing and go on and on about how this is beating that Sting wasn’t ready for and most one sided beating he’s ever faced. Idiots “It’s one sided because he won’t fight”. The whole thing also is hurt by Abyss really having pussy offense. If your going to do guy sacrificing himself to free others from sin, you really need to have guy get whipped, speared and nailed to a cross. Meekly put through table and aggressively hugged though walls won't cut it. Really it needs more than a fireball. But still it was a FIREBALL! And the combo of fireball and Sting’s melting make-up is a cool visual. And c’mon you think FIREBALL isn’t going to make the top side???

-JEREMY BORASH~!!! Two weeks in a row where Jeremy Borash’s mugging positively contributes to a TV segment. Here Borash made what would have otherwise been an unwatchably stupid Paparazzi pictures video of Eric Young buying condoms. Um who is embarrassed about buying condoms? I mean I could see if Traci Brooks asked Young to buy her Tampax, but who over 9 years old is embarrassed to buy condoms? When did purchasing condoms become shameful thing for a man to do? Borash saved this segment as he seemed to be selling less embarrassment and more irritation at folks cock blocking him.

James Storm “Hey you find another kid you promised to teach how to be a man? Tell him you’re the love doctor? Eric, ol’ JB tell you hew was going to teach you how to please a woman? Nice of him to have you buy condoms. He’s mentored quite a few lil Haitian raft riding kids on the “art of love”…Knows what he’s doing”
Borash face seemed to glare “shut up shut up, you’re ruining it.”
And then Slick Johnson in a tank top winked at Young.
And Borash’s eyes bugged out: Eric don’t be distracted by Slick, I can’t loose you to Slick.
Borash looks at Eric protectively.
And that just put the whole thing over the top.
First time ever where the combination of Slick Johnson and Jeremy Borash equaled the “what worked” side.

WHAT DIDN’T WORK:

-Holy fuck this show is amateurish and embarrassing. I don’t even know where to begin.
I mean I guess I could critique the whole show without mentioning the wrestling at all, but I may as well mention the wrestling.

There was more sustained selling in the Wrestling Society X premier. Main event of Wrestling Society X had Chris Hamerick and Waltman but everyone else was just a glorified backyarder and still able to put on a more compelling match than either of the ones on this show. Hey Chris Sabin whipped out a really loose Garvin Stomp. What’s the point of doing a loose Garvin stomp? There were moments in that 4 way were I thought the match was a rib…hey these guys are just taking a piss and its funny and then there were moments where I realized "no" this is just a shitty match. I’ve kind of enjoyed recent chickenshit heel Christian as that’s where Christian really shines but here he was back to doing move for move exchange match and it was not pretty. Daniels can’t even take the unprettier well. Tenay and West keep on talking about how Christian is promising someone who works exactly like Kurt Angle. Watched this match and I think the consultant is Chris Daniels.

Speaking of Tenay and West this may have been one of the worst displays of Tenay doing play by play on mic work ever.
Samoa Joe: Fans have one burning question for me: Why would I help Kurt Angle?
Tenay: What’s the story? There has to be a reason Samoa Joe would help Kurt Angle.
Samoa Joe: I’m proving a point
Tenay: I heard Samoa Joe say he wants to prove a point.

You heard him say that? Guess what so did the audience. We are watching the same show.

Even if this was a radio drama the audience would still here the mic work, you don’t have to repeat it. Speaking of radio dramas: HURRY MAN HURRY!!! I was disappointed that we didn’t get to see Borash clapping coconuts to capture the sound of Sting riding in on his white horse. This is a prerecorded show!!! A Prerecorded show! And they let that go on the air!!

So last week I just quoted the part of the Observer where Meltz outed Nash. May as well quote the full thing. “Kevin Nash is claiming he's the reason Jeremy Borash is back handling the bulk of the interviews. Nash and Borash have been friends dating back to WCW. Apparently they were having to redo segments over-and-over because Leticia Crane is so green at what she was doing. Nash made a remark along the lines of asking if her face is so pretty and her hair or boobs were so great as to justify them having to work until 1 a.m. because they had to do so many takes with her”… So wait they do multiple takes? They redo segments? I mean the show is pre-taped but I just assumed no one was editing. Someone watches this show? And does editing? And let Tenay and West reading radio scripts slide? Someone watches the backstage segments and goes “yeah perfect”? Someone watches Borash going apoplectic when Cornette mentions an S&M parlor and doesn’t think that they need to do a retake? They do editing and retakes and still this is what they get??? I guess lately they have been doing these weird video packages where the packages air before the actual angles take place. They do video packages/angle recaps before they actually do the angles. Traditionally you’d have James Gang do a confrontation and then a series of interviews and then do the video recap. Traditionally you’d have Dudleys attack Konan on screen, and then you’d have Konan send in a promo and then have team 3D respond and then do a summary video recap. But in TNA …they just do the video recap montage at the beginning. Show is so hurried they can’t even let an angle play out before they do the angle package montage. Who was supposed to be face or heel in the Konan video package? TNA wants to expand/dilute the LAX group by adding Apollo and Machete which is absolutely stupid unless they plan on bringing in Brother Snot, Dances with Brother and Brother Brother too. Anyway, Konan gives a face promo and Team 3D have a bunch of quotes worked into a montage in response and what the fuck? Instead of playing this storyline out over a couple weeks it’s just compressed into one video package. It’s weird and well I’m not a big fan of Sahadi’s video packages to begin with, but I guess you need to say that they demonstrate that the promotion actually does editing. Someone watches James Mitchell ramble on doing a “Satanist tweener” promo where he ends with the “catchy” line “forewarned is forewarned”? Someone watched that and didn’t say “we need another take”. Why not splice and edit that? Damn that’s was unfocused and shitty. I mean for a threatening prison yard promo someone needs to watch some Shank. I imagine Izzy Slapowitz is living in a Florida retirement home ( I mean Devil Duo member Doug Vines smokes Abyss too but whatever…ooh Jeff Sword in Clockwork Orange outfit would rule). It really is either one way or the other with TNA. So its either editing segments into video montages or no editing at all…TNA can find no middle ground.

And then there was the Paparazzi pictures video of Eric Young buying condoms. Um who is embarrassed about buying condoms? I mean I could see if Traci Brooks asked Young to buy her Tampax, but who over 9 years old is embarrassed to buy condoms? When did purchasing condoms become shameful thing for a man to do? I enjoyed Borash as annoyed Quintin Crisp, helpless realizing that even his most biting bon mots would go over James Storm’s drunken head. But I don’t think that was the intent of the segment. Segment ends with Traci Brooks watching the Paparazzi video and telling Robert Roode “Now I can seal the deal”. She needed to WAIT for Eric Young to buy condoms before she could fuck him?? She couldn’t buy condoms herself. She’s being portrayed as something of a whore, but doesn’t have condoms available? Apparently in TNA world, men can get prescription birth control pills over the counter but a drug store won’t allow women to purchase condoms. The writing on this show is more embarrassing than capturing your announcers reading from a script.
And it’s the poorly written Russo mystery tour. Who is Christian’s mystery consultant? Why is Samoa Joe out here to help Angle? Is consultant here? Who is it? What does Ryan Shamrock have in her envelope? Detective Angle struggling to put together the clues really makes him look dumber than Shaggy. Dumber than Scooby Do, without really the charm of Scooby Dum. And then we semi solve another mystery. Right before Sting reveals the big mystery of Abyss’ past, they decide to do a close up of the audience sign that reads “TNA is Professional Wrestling, not Soap Opera Wrestling”….Not editing that out may have been more embarrassing than Tenay and West reading Green Hornet scripts too.

So months ago Christian promised that he would reveal a secret from Abyss past. He said this secret was so horrible and sickening that Cornette wouldn’t be able to use Abyss anymore, and so horrible that when people found out it would in essence end his career.

Really, so Abyss shot his dad three times in the back. That’s the big shocking reveal. ? He didn’t even kill him; just put him in a coma. This is supposed to be the thing that would disgust Cornette? Cornette? Cornette hears this and goes “Fucking pussy, let me tell you about Bruiser Bedlam. “ No one pushed Johnny K-9 harder than Cornette. Well that’s not true, as I have tapes of 90s Midwest indy that Damore booked where Bedlam was the champ. Russo brought Snuka into WCW. Brought New Jack into TNA. Repeatedly brings Luger into TNA. Mantell co-booked WWC and IWA with Invader 1. Abyss didn’t even succeed in killing his dad. Why is attempted murder supposed to be so shocking?

Abyss had shots of prison in his entrance video…where we supposed to believe he was in prison for drug dealing? Extortion? Graffiti?

I guess the shock is supposed to be that he shot his dad? But it’s wrestling. Didn’t Vince try to kill Linda, Shane try to kill Vince, Vince try to get Undertaker to rape Stephanie? Why would attempted patricide be a big shock?

So it’s Russo and I was expecting incest and so I guess should be shocked that he didn’t go back to his old formula. I assume Russo read the Bible and went "incest isn’t that shocking, it's normal...I knew it all along". Russo found the gun in his daughters draw one night and decided to read her some Biblical passages. While fingering her he explains “See incest happened all the time in the Bible, but what God really frowned on was patricide. PATRICIDE is TERRIBLE! MOST TERRIBLE OF CRIMES! No crime more horrible in God’s UHHUHHH eyes. Damnit!! How many times do I need to tell you? You need to swallow. He frowns on spilled seed too”.